PHOTOGRAPH SMILE

CHAPTER 11

BY SUE

 

I don’t own the Beatles or their families. This is just a fan fic from my warped mind.

 

 

Julian woke to the noise of people trying to be quiet as they moved around. He noticed the gloomy dimness of the room. Looking outside he saw it was raining again. His eyes went to the rug along side of the fireplace and saw the quilt, pillows and sheet were gone. He sat up and stretched. Paul was still fast asleep and Julian knew he’d be that way for a while. He felt the dryness in his mouth and throat as he stood up. Julian’s brain was still foggy from sleep but not foggy enough to take away what had happened the night before. Thoughts of what happened with Paul, thoughts of Mary and her sisters raced through his mind. Slowly, padding to the kitchen he saw the girls showered, dressed and cleaning up. The clock read 11 am.

 

Stella turned to see Julian enter the room. “ Hope you don’t mind, but we made something to eat. We saved you some.” She offered a plate and a glass of juice to him.

 

“ No, don’t mind. Didn’t feel like cooking. “ The juice went down and quenched his parched throat. He made a cup of tea and then sat to eat, “ This is good. Who cooked? Not you Stel.” Julian teased. He knew Stella wasn’t the best of cooks and that her sisters were better at it.

 

Stella gave Julian a quick accusing stare. “ No, I didn’t.” She huffed, and then went back to cleaning the dishes.

 

Heather snickered. “ I cooked, so she is cleaning and Mary set up and made the tea. We want to thank you for taking care of daddy last night and letting us stay,” Heather stated with gratitude, her other two sisters turning.

 

“Yes, thank you, Jules.” Mary said quietly, knowing he was still upset from last night, making her feel bad. She wanted to shrink, wanted to throw herself into his arms, wanted to figure out how she could be in love with two men, at the same time. One she had been with for a while and engaged to, yet, he didn’t support her when she needed him. The other man, she had known her whole life. They visited, her dad sent birthday and Christmas cards every year, never forgetting him. Then out of the blue she fell in love with him. She told Julian she didn’t feel the same, but she did. Her heart swelled and beat faster when she saw him. She was so confused. She didn’t know what to do. Then he professed his love to her. They had been falling in love at the same time. She sank back to drying the dishes, to painful to look at him.

 

“ Yes, thanks, Jules.” Stella offered up. 

 

“ I was glad to do it,” Julian waved the girls off. He was glad to help out Paul and the girls.

 

 “Did you sleep all right? I felt bad that we took your bed.” Heather questioned sitting on the stool next to him.

 

“ A, yeah, after I fell asleep. It’s o.k. I wanted you two to have the bed. Did you sleep well?” Julian didn’t want to tell her about the dreams that kept waking him all night. He gazed at Heather and then went back to eating.

 

“ We slept well, thanks. I guess we should get daddy up?” She questioned.

 

Julian shook his head. “ Naw, leave him sleep. Better than the hangover he is going to have. You girls go home and I’ll bring him back later. He’ll be sick and have questions and such.”

 

Mary came over to him. “ Are you sure, Jules? I mean we do have to pick up his car and stuff. You don’t mind taking care of him when he wakes?” Mary asked with concern.

 

“ No, you do what you have to and I’ll be over later tonight with him. “ Julian simply answered as he finished his meal and brought his plate over to the sink. Stella took it from him and washed it.

 

Mary turned to her sisters. “ You think that’s all right?”

 

“ I think it is, don’t like to take care of daddy with a hangover. Done it too many times, lately. “ Stella offered, honestly.

 

“ Yeah, let him sleep. Jules, as long as you’re ok with that.” Heather pushed, just to make sure.

 

“ Told you I was fine with it, even suggested it.” Julian stated flatly. He wanted Mary to leave. He needed some time to think and his company was suddenly giving him a headache. He walked to the kitchen archway, “ I’m off for a shower. See you girls later.” Julian didn’t give Mary a second look as he went to the shower.

 

“ You’re in the dog house, sis.” Stella laughed as she wiped the last dish and put it away.

 

“ Stop it, Stel. I know. He needs time to process what was said. Julian’s like that, daddy is like that, for God sakes, we are all like that.” Mary ‘s voice shrilled with irritation, “I’m getting my things. Obviously he doesn’t want us here when he gets out of the shower.” She marched off.

 

Stella and Heather eyed each other. They knew that there was a lot left unsaid last night. They also knew that there was plenty left unsaid between Julian and Mary.

 

Heather figured she’d talk a bit to Mary and then later when Julian came over the two of them could talk it out. They’d give Julian and Mary their privacy and distract their father.

 

“ I hope she doesn’t hurt him.” Stella pondered.

 

“ You know she will sooner or later. He was shocked that Mary didn’t tell him that Al’s been calling. Weird, this whole thing.” Heather mused, leaning against the island.

 

“I know she didn’t. She doesn’t know what to do and told me she’d slowly tell him after their weekend together. I am surprised at the feelings she claims to have for him and Al. I can’t imagine being in love with two men.” Stella shook her head at the thought.

 

“ Guess she’s going to have to figure some things out. Do you think she’ll see both of them? I mean it sounds as if Al doesn’t know about Jules. Do you think Jules will agree to seeing her on the side?” Heather wondered as she asked her sister.

 

“ I think he is wrapped around her finger. He couldn’t sleep last night. Saw him in the music room with a bottle of whiskey. I felt so bad for him, but he is allowing it to happen. I wanted to go and talk to him, but I didn’t think that would be proper at this time, you know?” Stella looked to Heather to see if she did the right thing.

 

“Well, I think you did the right thing. It’s up to them. Shame, I’ve always liked Jules and I like Al too. I don’t know what to make of this whole thing. But I suppose we should get on with things. Drive me over to daddy’s car and I’ll drive it back? “ Heather asked Stella.

 

“ Sure.” Stella answered, distracted by the goings on around them.

 

“ Good, lets go and I’ll grab dad’s keys off the coffee table.” Heather stated as they walked out of the kitchen, grabbed their things and then left, with Mary in tow.

 

 

After his shower, Julian walked into the music room. He took out the two pictures he hadn’t framed yet. He stared at Mary, so beautiful. She had his heart and he wished he could change that. It was as if she was a magnet and he was a piece of metal, like a nail or something that would be pulled to the magnet without a chance of being released, grounded there as it rusted. Why was this happening after so many years? He had known them for so long and it still surprised him about how he suddenly fell for Mary and how he felt about her.

 

He traced the picture with his finger, remembering the carefree and lovely day that he took the photo. The love that soared through is heart as they were in public, just enjoying each other. Yet, he didn’t understand why she hadn’t told him that Alistair was calling or that he was coming back in less than three weeks and wanted to see her. Julian knew exactly why. His mind went back to the words that drifted up the stairs, last night. How she was in love with both of them. How she had wanted to tell Julian, but was afraid. Everything that happened between them came down like an avalanche in his aching head. He couldn’t seem to get away from it. Part of him knew it was a losing battle, yet there was a part of him that had hoped that if he hung in there, she’d choice him. How could that be?

Was he kidding himself, holding off the inevitable? Either way he knew he’d be hurt. When did he hand over his life to a girl he was in love with?

 

Yet, he knew he’d hang in there as long as she wanted. Would she still see him when Alistair came home and would he agree to something he had never found right? Would he go against his beliefs and still see her out of need? He felt trapped, he felt he had gone back wards to know he’d stay as long as she wanted, hoping she’d choice him. Could he handle being with her as she still saw Alistair? The thought of doing something that went against him again turned his stomach. The love he felt was so strong he felt he couldn’t fight it. He didn’t want to go against his principles, but, yet, he felt trapped in a mesh of emotions that he couldn’t clear away to reach the other side. Lost and entangled in something that should be beautiful and full of light instead of darkness, where light only shone through at times.

 

Julian tucked the pictures quickly back in the draw. He turned his tortured thoughts to Paul. He emptied a rubbish bin, got a wet flannel, grabbed aspirins and went downstairs. He put everything down by on the coffee table. Julian brought back a large glass of water and sat that down too on the table. Paul was softly snoring and Julian let him sleep. He ran upstairs, bringing down a small mirror from his shaving kit and sat it all in place to explain and talk about what was going on with Paul. He stared at his uncle as the pictures of him and John entered his mind. They must have been hilarious to watch, both stubborn and going back at each other. Julian knew his father’s gift of words and knew that John would eventually win. He smiled as he picked up the picture on his mantle of him and his dad at an early stage in his life. He always loved that picture. He had a larger one hanging on the living room wall at his home in Hollywood and planned to have it sent to where ever he decided to settle. After awhile he stopped his imagination and put the picture back up.

 

It was two o’clock and Julian could see Paul starting to wake. He pulled up the coffee table and sat down, waiting for Paul to wake and the interesting happenings that would come after Paul got sick. Julian pushed the rubbish can with his foot closer to the couch.

 

Paul’s eyes fluttered open, he groaned in pain. Julian waited a moment. He wondered how much Paul would remember as he leaned down to the couch.

 

“ Paul?”

 

Paul’s head slowly turned, it took a few seconds for his eyes to focus in on Julian.

“ Jules?”

 

Julian gave him a small smile. “ Yeah, you probably have one hell of a hangover. You were pretty pissed when you came by.”

 

Paul thought about what he said. Yes, he was at a pub, but didn’t remember a thing after a few drinks. “ How did I get here?”

 

“ The barmaid must know you. She took your cell and found your home number and rang the girls. They got you, but going up the stairs, well you fell backwards. They caught the banister, but couldn’t get you in time and you tumbled down the stairs. You tore above your left eye opened. Probably all bruised up and will be sore moving about.” Julian explained as he saw the pain register on Paul’s face as he slowly tried to sit up. Julian helped him into a sitting position.

 

“ Christ, I feel sick.” Paul groaned quickly, with alarm.

 

Julian took the rubbish bin and put it under Paul’s face. He held it there as Paul retched. When he was done, Julian took a wet flannel and wiped his mouth. “ Better?”

 

“ No” Paul grumbled and grabbed the bin back.

 

Julian took the bin and placed it on the floor. He handed Paul the flannel. Paul wiped his mouth. His head ached fiercely. His body attacked him with pain.

 

 Julian let him settle first and then took out several aspirins along with picking up a huge glass of water.

“ Here, take these and drink all this water. The headache from a hangover is because you dehydrate the water around your brain from the alcohol. Drink it all. You need fluids to replace the water. Takes the headache away quicker. “ Julian told Paul.

 

Paul swallowed the pills and drank half the tall glass. His stomach couldn’t handle anymore and he reached painfully to give the glass back to Julian.

 

“ Nope, drink it all up.”

 

“ I can’t” Paul complained.

 

“ Yeah you can, now go on with it.” Julian ordered as he waited.

 

“ Ya sound like your bleedin’ da,” Paul told him with annoyance, but quickly changed his expression when he felt the pain above his eye, “ Bloody hell.”

 

“ Right, I should. I’m my father’s son, as everyone seem points out to me. Comes in handy too, at times,” Julian grinned at Paul, “You’ve got a nasty cut up there. Drink and I’ll fill in the blanks after your done. First I’m gonna get you some tea and a scone. You need food in your stomach, or the aspirins will eat away at it. “ Julian watched until the whole glass was empty. He took the glass, still grinning at Paul.

 

“ Don’t be cheeky. I drank the blasted thing.” Paul croaked out.

 

“ You did at that. I’ll be back in a mo.” Julian picked up the trash bin and went into the kitchen. He washed it out and then took a tray, filling it.

 

He came back with a cup of hot tea, made the way he knew Paul took it and a heated scone. He broke it up and placed it down on the table. Julian went to hand the teacup to Paul, but remembered how he shook with the glass.

 

“ You want I should hold the cuppa for you?” Julian cocked his head as he waited for an answer.

 

“ I can do it.” Paul said stubbornly. He grabbed the teacup and moaned at stretching. His hand shook and Julian pulled the cup away before it spilled more. The hot liquid sat on Paul’s trouser leg. Julian mopped it up and then gave him a piece of scone. He held the cup to Paul’s mouth.

 

Paul was embarrassed, but he drank it. He eventually finished both.

 

“ Now you should feel a bit better. But your body is going to hurt for days, probably some nasty bruises as I said before.” Julian put both the plate and cup down on the table.

 

“ I need to use the loo.”

 

“ O.k. You gonna let me help you?” Julian questioned, knowing Paul would keep up his stubborn attitude.

 

Paul tried to get up and fell back down with a groan. He didn’t want the help but it seemed he had no choice. “ S’pose I do need your help.”

 

Julian pulled a moaning Paul off the couch. He held Paul and helped him to the door of the bathroom. “ Can you handle the rest?”

 

“ I think so.” Paul quietly said as he closed the door behind him.

 

Julian waited by the door for Paul to get done. When he heard the toilet flush and the water run, Julian opened the door.

 

“ Christ, my head.” Paul examined the bandage.

 

“ Oh yeah, I have to explain that to you. C’mon.” Julian tugged at Paul and led him back to the couch. Paul slowly sat down on it, feeling the comfort against his body.

 

Julian stood over Paul. He slowly pulled at the bandage to take it off. Paul winced, but was surprise when it didn’t hurt. Julian then took the damp flannel and washed the dried blood he couldn’t get the night before off, along with some of the ointment. He dropped the flannel onto the table. Julian placed the palm of his hand on the coffee table and guided himself backwards into a sitting position.

 

“ The gash was deep. The girls didn’t want to take you to the hospital. They were afraid of the Press. I had them get some things. I knew you were rather bladdered and wouldn’t feel a thing, but reckoned I’d give you some more so you’d pass out. You were a bit off your head, there. So, making you pass out was the only thing I could think of after stitching you up. Took four stitches. You need to see your doctor though.” Julian picked up the mirror from his shaving kit and gave it to Paul. He noticed Paul’s shaking hands had calmed down. He watched as Paul examined his work. The older man’s eyes dropped to Julian with questions.

 

“ This was done rather well. Where’d you learn to do this?”

 

Julian let out a long sigh. He then brought his arm up and showed Paul the inside of his upper arm and the scar that sat on it.

 

“ Back when Jas and me used to go out, getting high and drunk, well, I tore open my arm. Didn’t want mum to worry and really as high as we both were, dunno how I did it. Then Jas tore himself up twice and I sewed him up as well. Was a while ago, but it wasn’t so hard. I even hid it and took them out myself, did the same for Jas. Figured I could do it for you, but you have to see your doctor, this gash was deeper. I mean you probably need antibiotics or at least have it checked on. I’m not a doctor, just a poor musician.” Julian chuckled at the thought.

 

“ Wait!” Paul flashed a harder look at Julian, “ You got me more pissed? Why the fuck did you need to make me pass out?” Paul asked, trying to remember what happened the evening before.

 

Julian eyed Paul for a minute to see if Paul would remember or if he had to tell him.

 

Embarrassment suddenly covered Paul’s face. Christ, had he really done the fragmented images that ran in his head. The images took on more form the more he thought about it.

 

“ Oh Christ,” Paul’s head fell, “ Did I not remember my girls? Did I think you were your dad? Tell me I didn’t.” Paul shameful asked.

 

Julian knew this whole thing would indeed embarrass Paul. He remembered getting so blasted in the past to where he didn’t recognize people. He figured Paul had mixed pot in with the alcohol. He knew the amount and combination must have given Paul the affect he wanted, remembering nothing that caused him pain. The Beatles, at this point, was an easier time in Paul’s life. It made sense to Julian as he came out of his thoughts to answer the questions.

 

“ If you want me to tell you that you didn’t I will. But that’s not what happened at t’all.

  You did indeed not recognize your girls, thought they were birds you brought back for you and dad to have fun with. That’s one of the reasons I thought giving you more and letting you pass out would be better.” Julian explained, a sorry look on his face as he stared at Paul to see if Paul remembered anymore.

 

Paul pushed his hand nervously through his hair. “ Right, remember a spot of it. Remember John saying some stern things to me and me answering him as I always did. Even remember a bit about saying he was a right drag. But that was you, pretending to be your dad?” Paul couldn’t filter it all out and was unsure if it was real or a dream.

 

“ Yup, was me. I tried to sound more like I thought dad would have. Didn’t think in your state you’d listen and that it would be easier to go along with the whole thing. We do that, I did, and when we get wasted and don’t want to be in the place we were. You can make a nice cocktail from pot and booze. After so much, the brain can play tricks on you and figured that’s what happened,” Julian studied Paul’s face to see if he were right. Paul’s grim face told him he was, so he continued, “ What happened Paul? What got you to that state? Linda?” Julian asked him straight up and with concern.

 

Paul blew out some air, exasperated with himself. Then after Julian’s words sunk further in he laid his head back against the couch as a melancholy feeling took hold of him.

“ I was at friends. Thought I should get out of my isolation, though I think it may have been a bit to fast. These friends were Linda’s and mine. I became overwhelmed by it all and left early. I just couldn’t take anymore. The depression has been so bad. I drink too much and cry. I have never grieved like this before. Linda was always there to help me though the rough spots in life. I think of myself as an optimist and mostly I am, but a few things in life have taken me down,” Paul spoke with eyes closed, remembering how Linda had gotten him through the rough spots. Through the break up of the Beatles, John’s death, Ivan’s death and even his own fathers death among a few. He couldn’t tell his children about some of the thoughts that had gone through his head. He had told George and Ringo a bit of it and they had helped him to get away from those thoughts,

“ I can’t tell the kids everything. I’ve talked to Ritch and George about some horrible thoughts in me ‘ead. It helps but the thoughts come back, “ Paul sat up and looked seriously at Julian, who by this time had moved to the couch. Julian sat sideways listening to Paul.

 

“ I didn’t think you would be able to tell them everything. It’s good that George and Ritch are there for you.” Julian expressed, putting his arm across the top of the couch and leaning into it.

 

“ Jules, there have been times when I’ve wanted to commit suicide and that’s no lie. I don’t for a few reasons. One, even though I don’t practice my religion I’m afraid it might be true that you go to hell if you commit suicide and Linda, I’m sure is a beautiful angel in heaven. Two, George and Ritch have helped me away from the thoughts. Three, the kids, our kids, they can’t handle losing me after losing their mum. Last night was one of those nights. I did get high and yes went to the pub and drank like a bleedin’ swine. Diane knows me. I’ve been sneaking there for a long time, with or without Linda. It’s a quiet place no one bothers me. I had to get as far away from myself as possible. On the way back all I wanted to do was press on the gas and crash the motorcar,” Paul scratched his head and broke Julian’s stare. His face fell to his chest and then he turned and laid sideways against the back of the couch, “ I had gotten some great pot from my friends, high quality, maybe laced, who the fuck knows. I then proceeded to get as drunk as I could and smoke in between. Guess it sort of worked,” Paul shook his head. Why was he running on to John’s son about this? He missed John was all he could come up with and he needed to talk. John and him had had many serious conversations about things in their lives. He sighed and then focused on Julian.

 

“ I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. Forgive me, but I guess I miss your dad. Not that you’re John, but I feel close to him sometimes around you. Maybe that’s part of what happened last night. Bloody ‘ell, I gotta apologise to the girls. I hope I didn’t come off …………  well y’know in a bad light. I was quiet a whore back then.” Paul swallowed. He smelled Julian’s cigarette and wanted one so badly. It had been years since he had given it up, “ Jules, can I nick a fag from ya?”

 

Julian’s brow rose. He knew Paul had quite years ago, due to health problems and didn’t know whether to give him one or not. “ I dunno. Can you have one, I mean with your health and all that?”

 

“ Yeah, that was years ago. I just every once in a while crave one, is all.” Paul explained eyeing Julian’s pack on the table.

 

“ Aye, go and have a fag. Suppose I should get it for you,” Julian tapped out a stick and gave it to Paul, along with his lighter, “ So you still feel like doing yourself in?” Their eyes locked when the question was asked. Julian’s features etched with concern and worry.

 

Paul projected a forlorn expression. He inhaled the smoke and blew it out slowly. He would occasionally smoke and enjoyed it when he did. “ No, I don’t. I do feel barmy for telling you this. You wouldn’t tell my children, would ya, Jules?”

 

Julian shook his head no. “ What you tell me is between us, unless of course I need to worry about you offing yourself. “ Julian gave a small smile as he said the last part of the sentence, “Can’t be doing that, y’know. One might think you serious. I mean feeling is one thing and doing it is another, issinnit. I do believe you fall under the first category. I could give you that daft bullocks about you having so much to live for shit, but you know that already. It’s just getting through the pain of it all and getting used to living on your own. I don’t think you’ve ever been single, have you?” Julian tilted his head and tapped the ash off his cigarette.

 

“ No, no I haven’t. Not since I was a teen, anyways. It’s just the pain is so gut wrenching, so overwhelming, the thoughts are bound to be there, they were in the past. But again, Linda was there to buffer it. Oh bugger it, I’m not going to do it and we both know that one.” Paul told Julian and then lightened the mood by laughing at himself.