PHOTOGRAPH SMILE CHAPTER 14

By Sue

 

Remember I don’t own the Beatles of their families. This is just a fan fiction from my warped mind.

 

 

Julian struggled to get up from his sitting position. He thought it was hard before, but this time he slipped and then held on to the brick of the fireplace to pull himself up, and stand. He wobbled slowly to the window. Had he really drank that much? Over the last several months, since Al came back and Mary left, the days had slid together with drink. It helped take away the pain he was feeling, only the nagging feeling in the back of his mind about drowning his sorrows once again, worried him. He tried to focus on the outside. It was still as gray as he felt out. The rain fell hard, pounding against the ground and running into the gutter, in the road and he truly felt part of him seeping down, rolling into the gutter, too. Tears and his feelings had pulled him into it, a dark place that he hadn’t seen in some time. He hated it and knew he had to get out of England, away from all that brought him down and back to the more positive. Julian knew he’d fight harder than he had ever done before to get it all back, but he knew Mary would always be there. Be there in the back of his mind. A girl that might look like her, a smell that might remind him of her, or her smile that always lit him up. He knew he had to stop slagging off and get on with it. He’d deal with each situation as it came up. He felt Zak’s hand on his shoulder and slowly turned.

 

 

Zak was concerned about his friend. He wanted to help. He knew listening and understanding would open the wound up further. But, it was a chance he needed to take, with Julian. Otherwise, his friend would keep it in until it festered worse; eating Julian up on the inside. He knew Julian was doing this already, drowning himself into oblivion.

 

“ Jules, I hate to sound like your mum, but you have to stop drowning yourself in drink.” Zak confided in his mate. He loved Julian and didn’t want anything to happen to him.

 

Julian scratched his head and then nodded, “ I know that. Why ya think I’m goin’ home? Gonna stay in Italy for a few days, and then to me mum’s for a few more days before home in Monaco to continue work on my CD and at the club. Wanna see how my studio is coming, as well,”

 

Julian thought for a moment. He didn’t know whether to finish what he was going to say and then decided to go ahead. Zak, after all, was a good friend, “ I bought some pills off an old mate of mine. While in Italy I’m goin’ to take them to ease my nerves whilst I slow down on the booze. Then go to mum’s and she’ll just think me tired, which I am. I don’t want her to know how bad things have gotten, although I believe she has a faint idea,” Julian turned a weary head to his friend. What in God’s name did Zak think of him, ran through his mind once again.

 

Zak turned what Julian said over in his head. He was more than concerned at Julian’s admittance. “ Whatcha mean, pills?” Zak gave a cautious look.

 

“ Nothing hard, just something to ease the withdrawal. Been through this before, remember? It’ll help me with the shakes, sickness, sweats and that sort. So will gettin’ back to my old way of life. I’m hopin’ that, anyways. When I’m home I can drink normally, I just go on benders in times like these, so no worries.” Julian gave a small but unconvincing smile to his friend and went back to have a seat on top of the bag, this time. It was more comfortable, he thought. He stared at Zak, wondering again, if his friend thought badly of him now, between what he had just told him and the tale that he wasn’t done with. Had he lost, yet, someone else important to him?

 

Zak walked over and crouched down by his friend, “ I don’t think less of you, if that’s what’s going on inside your whacked mind. Just worry ‘bout you, is all.” Zak mussed Julian’s hair, jokingly, “ Just ‘ope you know what you’re doin’. “ Zak slid down on top of the other bag, deep in thought about all Julian had told him so far.

 

Julian groaned. “ You think me quite daft, eh?” He rested his head back against the wall. His bloodshot eyes and tired face turned slightly to Zak, waiting for an answer.

 

Zak noticed again how bad his friend was looking. “ Not daft, mate, worried. I don’t like what I see. You’re off colour due to all of this, back into a downward path and those pills,” Zak thought for a moment and decided not to mention anything else about the pills. He knew what Julian had bought, from the description. He remembered Julian taking them the last time he had this problem, “Right, I ‘ope you can see your way through this, is all. But I’m ‘ere for you, always have and always will be, “ Zak gave a tight smile and sighed as he too, lay his head against the wall. “ I think you need to spill more. Get it all out in the open, you hold too much in as I said before, it’s not a good thing to do. So, finish what ya started telling me. Ya left off with Mary and you, Al on his way back.” Zak reminded Julian.

 

Julian didn’t need to be reminded of where he left off. He was painfully aware of the part that was coming up and knew Zak was right. He had to get it out, he couldn’t hold it in, or he’d never be able to go on with his life. Julian shifted uncomfortably, lit a cigarette, closed his eyes and let the pictures run through his mind, as he again began his tale.

 

 

The next several weeks Mary spent a lot of time with Julian. Their feelings deepened as the time marched on. Both tried not to think of Al coming back. Julian knew when Al would call by the nervousness that shot from Mary’s usual calmness.

 

Time crept forward, as the day came closer. Julian felt himself growing more despondent. He hid it from Mary, but couldn’t hide the doom he felt from himself. The feeling of abandonment, he thought, sitting at the piano nursing a drink whilst plucking out some random chords. Chords he didn’t know, but recorded it anyway. The sounds of a hollow soul as it rang from the instrument.

 

Abandoned: Having been given up and deserted: forsaken. That’s what the dictionary said, Julian remembered looking up the word a long time ago. This was what he was teetering on now as he looked over at the clock and knew Alistair’s plane had landed and Mary would be picking him up.

 

 

The next few weeks Mary wasn’t around as much. She was helping her dad or with Alistair. Julian encouraged this so she would make her own choice, although he felt like the walls were tumbling down around him. He felt himself cling more to Mary every time the young woman came around, even though he tried not to.

 

 He tried to keep busy, seeing friends he hadn’t seen in awhile that lived in London.  Even with this, Mary still haunted his thoughts. He found himself drinking more then he had in a long time. Some nights he’d come home and after a few more drinks he’d pass out on the couch.

 

Julian had been so together for years until he stepped back into London and back into the memories that he had worked so hard to settle. He wanted to help Mary, but he never expected that he would have such strong feelings for his father’s former partner’s daughter.

 

Julian walked around the empty flat one night after Mary had to cancel.  He stopped at the mantle with half a bottle of booze in his hand and picked up a picture of his father with him as a child. It had always been one of his favorites and he always took it with him. Julian stared at it, imagining what it would be like if John was more like Paul was with Mary and the other children. He stopped pondering this and reminded himself that he had come to terms with their relationship years ago. He sighed heavily bringing the picture with him as he sat down on the couch and lit a cigarette.

 

“Is this the way you felt about Maureen Cleaves, dad? How did you get over your feelings? I guess you were lucky, Maureen was closer in age then Mary is with me. I feel guilty, like I took her innocence. Christ dad, I do love her, I don’t know why, but I do. I never felt this way about another man’s woman before. I’ve always just wanted to be with a single woman. Funny how mum understands. I wonder if she knew about your sexual habits, after all? “ Julian looked hard at the picture as if it would come to life and John would answer him. When it didn’t, he swigged more of the alcohol and took a pull of his cigarette before smashing it into the ashtray.

 

Suddenly, anger tore through Julian’s body. He picked up the picture and threw it as hard as he could against the mantle. The picture hit the brick hard and shards of glass flew as the picture slid to the floor. He didn’t know it right away until he felt the wetness on his face that he had started to cry.

 

“ Bloody fuckin hell!!!!  I don’t want to feel this! I don’t want to need her so much. Fuck, I’m a bleedin’ secret! For Christ sakes, this just isn’t right!!!!” He screamed to a father that wasn’t there. His screams shook his body from the frustration he felt. Julian never heard the front door open or close, his mind to caught up in his torment.

 

The door opened and a man peeked in. He saw the back of Julian’s head, the bottle tightly on his lips. The man then noticed the picture that lay shattered on the floor. Walking in he shut the door quietly.

 

“Jules?” A concerned voice called.

 

Julian jumped at the intruder’s voice. He recognized it, still he didn’t move. The man walked over to the mantle and picked up the picture, He studied it and the broken glass. His face held a dismayed look as he turned to Julian.

 

Julian sat on the couch, drunk and in a bewildered daze. He looked like the small child in the picture that the man held. He carried the picture to the couch and sat next to Julian. He sighed heavily with disappointment as he looked from the picture to the older Julian.

 

“I really failed you didn’t I?” He mumbled to a drunken Julian.

 

“Fuckin’ did!” Julian slurred angrily, trying to sit straight up.

He strained his eyes and then squinted as he looked at the familiar man that sat there. He saw the aquiline nose, the auburn hair with small bits of gray throughout it. The man’s lips were tightly pursed as he examined the picture. The man finally broke his concentration, pulled off his glasses and looked back at Julian when he heard the answer that was given. The man put his glasses down on the table along with the picture.

 

“That was always my favorite picture too.” He gave a slight smile as he looked at it once more before his gaze fell on Julian.

 

Julian clawed his way up straight on the couch and looked into his own eyes in disbelief.

“You’re not real. I think I’ve had enough of this.” He placed the bottle next to the glasses and picture on the table.

 

“ I remember how I felt when Maureen left me and when Yoko threw me out. I was bloody gutted I was. Mary hasn’t left you yet, but I reckon you know it won’t last. She’s unsure of breaking it off with her fiancé and not that sort. Neither are you to get in the way of another couple, a bird tha’s engaged,” The voice was soft with emotion.

 

Julian shook his head as he listened to what he was being told.

“Why are you here?”

 

“Didn’t you ask me here?” The man gave a small smile.

 

“I suppose I did, sort of.” Julian gave a leery answer His hand reached out and tried to touch the man in front of him. His hand brushed against the man’s face and he jumped back. The man laughed a familiar sound to Julian’s ears.

 

“Dad?” Julian asked completely bewildered by what he was experiencing.

 

“Well, you didn’t think me the queen did ya?” The man laughed again.

 

Julian had been able to touch him. How could this be? Tears slid fast down his face, even though he tried his hardest for them not to. His mind was in a haze from the alcohol, frustration, confusion and the disbelief he felt.

 

“Son, sometimes things happen that we can’t explain. I never wanted to fall for Maureen or out of love with yer mum. It simply just happened, is all. I wanted to be loved so much and be able to give it. I didn’t learn that until later with Yoko. I even smothered her. Remember our split in 74? I had to learn to love without being so needy. I think you know that one. It’s just that this thing with Mary has you at a loss. I didn’t understand it either when it happened to me. All of a sudden the feelings were there. Maybe, I just thought since we were so close that being with her was the way. I know that they both loved me, Maureen and yer mum. Your mum still does,” John explained to his son as gently as he could. He had never been there much for Julian, so now he tried.

 

“You’re lyin’ to me. Why would you come back after all these years and try to be the father you should have been when you were alive? What do you know about Mary and me?  WHY ARE YOU DOIN THIS?!!!!” Julian jumped up almost falling from his drunkenness. He fell against the wall and then turned to see his dad looking at him in amusement, “Oh you think this rather funny do you?” The wall held Julian up as the sarcasm dripped from his mouth.

 

John shook his head at his son, ”Don’t be so shirty. You’re just cheesed off and bladdered, something I’m very familiar with. You asked me here, and I want to help. You’re right; I wasn’t the best father to you. All I can say is, I’m sorry.”

 

“Mum gave you plenty of love so don’t give me that. And yeah you were always sloshed and took it out on the people that loved you. I remember being so bloody afraid of you when you were like that.” Julian spit the slurred words out at him still leaning against the wall. Anger, hurt and fear that he might be losing his mind shook through him.

 

“C’mon Jules, sit down here before you go hurtin’ yerself. I know yer mum tried her best to love me and give me what I needed. I wasn’t able to handle it; I didn’t know what to do. Oh, sometimes I did, but there was this other side to me and I just couldn’t deal with yer mum, you or me. I got caught up in the fame and I couldn’t hide out like you did. It all became even more complicated. Then I met Yoko and all though we had our problems too, she showed me things I needed to get myself together. Listen I loved yer mum once and Maureen, really I did, but I was looking to them for my answers. I needed their love to feel complete. Isn’t that how you feel with Mary?” John asked as he patted the seat next him.

 

“I didn’t need it before, don’t know why I need it now. I love her, but she doesn’t just love me. She loves Al, and I know she’ll leave as sure as I knew you would. “ Julian again felt the tears trickle down his face. His legs could no longer hold him up as he slumped into the seat on the couch.

 

John caressed his son’s hair, trying to sooth him. “ She does love you, but not the way you want her too. It’s gonna be hard, but you’ll get through it. She feels to loyal to Alistair.  One day you’ll see the girl that’s right for you, and that I can promise you. This girl will appear. It will surprise you and shock you.“ John smiled at his son as he pulled Julian against him in a hug.

 

“You are about the same age as me, five years older? You’re still forty?” Julian asked, staring at him.

 

John shook his head, “Yeah sometimes I am and sometimes I’m younger. It all depends on how you see me. Paul will always see me younger when I watch over him, George and Ringo too. Linda, we see each other, she’s young and healthy. She thanks you for being there for Mary, but doesn’t’ want you to hurt yourself over it.”

 

 

 

The cold air entered the house when Mary opened the door. She had rung the bell, but didn’t’ get an answer and became worried as she let herself in. She saw an almost empty bottle of whiskey on the table and a broken picture frame on the floor by the mantle. She went and got a broom and dustpan. She swept up the glass and emptied it into the rubbish bin. She then put the broom and pan away. She started the kettle and then went out and picked up the picture from the coffee table that she knew was Julian’s favorite. She stood above Julian and stared down at him, wondering what had happened.

 

“Jules? ………JULES!” She repeated, trying to wake Julian. It was noon and she knew Julian never slept this late. What could have happened to make him do this, she wondered again, “J-U-L-E-S!!!!” She finally yelled and shook the sleeping body on the couch.

 

“Dad?” Julian answered with a hoarse voice.

 

“No, it’s Mary,” The girl sat above Julian’s head and caressed his hair. She was starting to get more worried.

 

“Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” Julian appologised groggily, as he tried to sit up. He hadn’t heard Mary. After a minute or so he was able to focus in on her, he squinted in pain as his head throbbed from the night before, “Mary?” His voice was filled with confusion. Wasn’t his father just there? Was it a dream or was it Mary all along?

“When didcha get here?” Julian asked while rubbing the temples of his aching head.

 

“About 20 minutes ago. I rang the bell and when you didn’t answer I got worried and let myself in. I found you passed out with this picture on the table and the frame smashed on the floor. I cleaned up the glass, put up the kettle and then woke you. “ Mary examined Julian with concern.

 

“Ta you needdit have clean up my mess. I could use something for my head. You said you put on the kettle?” Julian inquired in jumbled thoughts.

 

“Yeah I did put on the kettle. I’ll get you something for your head,” Mary paused as she got up, “You called me dad a few times. Is that what has got you all out of sorts?” Mary looked down at her disheveled lover with worry.

 

“Must have been a dream is all.” Julian waved her away, not wanting her to worry.

 

Mary nodded and went to the other room. Julian looked around for some kind of clue to whether he had had a dream or whether his father had really been there. He decided it must have been an alcohol induced dream, yet it had felt so bloody real. He saw the picture on the table, but figured Mary had picked it up.

 

Mary came back with aspirin and a glass of water. She handed them to Julian, who sat in agony, his head hurt and his stomach churned with nausea.

 

“Oh Christ I feel lurgy!” Julian exclaimed as he jumped up and ran into the kitchen.

 

Mary heard and winced with every retching noise from Julian. She got up and walked into the kitchen to find Julian rinsing out his mouth and running water down the sink.

 

“Right, up ta bed with you. You need to sleep this off more.” Mary put her hand on Julian’s shoulder and led him with out a fight up stairs to the bedroom.

 

Julian lay under the quilt. His head throbbed, his stomach burned with the fire of his hangover. He took the aspirins with the water Mary gave him. His eyes then traveled to Mary, “Don’t leave me. Please?” Julian pleaded softly.

 

Mary smiled and shook her head as she lay down on the bed, “No, I’ll stay. I do have to run out for a short time but will come right back.”

 

Julian scooted over to Mary. He rested his head against Mary’s breast as he felt the warmth of an arm surround him, gently stroking his hair.

 

“Stay ‘til I fall asleep?” Julian asked looking up at the young woman.

 

:”You sleep and I’ll stay. When you’re asleep I’ll do what I have to and then I’ll be back when you get up. We can share the evening together when you feel better,” Mary continued to stroked Julian’s hair. She watched Julian’s heavy lidded eyes finally shut, satisfied with the answer he got and then she heard the soft breaths of sleep coming from the man in her arms.