PHOTOGRAPH SMILE CHAPTER 18

By Sue

 

Remember I don’t own the Beatles or their families. This is a fan fiction from my warped mind.

 

 

Zak gave Julian an incredulous look after hearing the end of the tale.

 

Julian shrugged and then looked around for the bottle they had been drinking from.

 

“ Stella got through to you? Blimey, the girl is good, I’m glad she caught you.” Zak stated, and then noticed the distraught and exhausted face on his friend. This had taken more out of Julian than Zak had thought. He kept a steady eye on Julian. He looked more shattered now that the story was over. 

 

Julian picked up the bottle, uncapped it and drank more then he thought he would. After several large gulps he put it down, licked his lips and turned to Zak. He knew Zak saw his watery eyes and the redness brought on by tears. He felt helpless and as the alcohol hit his brain he gave a hopeless attempt at the anger that was hidden by the hurt, fear and vulnerability. He threw the cap of the bottle hard across the room until it hit the wall.

 

“Bloody Fuckin’ ‘ell man, I feel so ………so gutted, and torn up. It’s wrong, we’re wrong, the whole fuckin’ thing was wrong, I know,” He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand, “ So why the fuck do I feel this way? “ Julian banged his head against the wall.

 

“Don’t know mate. Why does anyone feel so bleedin’ bad when a relationship comes to an end? No answers for you there. Just got to get through it as you’ve done before. You know I’m here for you, Jules. I do love ya, man.” Zak tousled Julian’s hair.

 

“Ta, mate.” Julian whispered, his anger no longer there as fresh tears welled up in his eyes. He thought over the past weeks that he had cried himself dry.

 

 

Zak put his arm around his friend and brought him in for a long hug. He let his friend just lay against him. Julian’s head lay limply against Zak’s chest, not moving as the tears slid down his face. Zak could feel Julian’s shaking body and hear him sniff as he cried.       Re-living the story took so much out of him. After a while Zak nudged Julian up. He gave Julian his sleeve since he didn’t have a tissue or anything else to offer. This brought a small laugh to Julian.

 

“Go on use the bleedin’ shirt. I can take yer snot, just don’t blow, that can wait for me to get something else for you. “ Zak teased Julian when he heard him laugh a bit. Zak found this encouraging and playfully punched Julian after he did wipe his nose on Zak’s shirt making Zak laugh.

 

“ You bloody tosser, you DID wipe it! “ Zak stood up and then pulled Julian up, “Ya think you can get a tissue or something there, Jules?”

 

Julian smiled through red-rimmed eyes and a tear stained face at his friend. He felt a bit embarrassed, but this was Zak. No, not just a friend, his best mate, and the one who always knew when he needed him. Julian had also been there for Zak too when he knew that Zak needed him. They were brothers and had always said so, this helped Julian feel a bit stronger, plus the liquor that had hit had his head in a haze, and the pain starting to subside.

 

“Ya told me to, you wanker.” Julian slurred the words slightly. He started toward the back of the house and stumbled from the booze. Zak caught him and helped him walk to the bathroom.

 

“Ya sure you can use the bog on yer own now, there, Jules?” Zak howled, his face red from the laughter.

 

“Har, har yer a riot there, Starkey,” Julian fell against the wall in the bathroom and then looked at Zak.

 

Their eyes met and the laughter came out easily, but so hard it hurt their sides. Julian slid down the wall and then Zak followed suit. Julian was drunk and Zak knew that he had a good buzz on as well.

 

Zak turned to Julian trying to hide the grin on his face, “Eh, I feel a bit insulted, Jules. Why haven’t you ever wanted to have it off with me?” Zak burst out in a fit of giggles, defiantly the affect of the alcohol.

 

Julian punched him lightly in the gut, and caught off guard, he heard the oomph escape Zak’s mouth, “Because of yer nose, you twit.” Julian laughed more, “ Plus, you’re a bleedin’ bloke, arse.” Julian sucked in air, howling more.

 

“Really?” Zak climbed up the wall and looked in the mirror at his nose and his body as if in shock.

 

“Here maybe this will make it smaller.” Julian smiled as he handed his friend the nearly empty bottle.

 

“You think it will?” Zak asked and then they started giggling again, “ Maybe if it turns me to a bloomin’ bird, I’d have it off with me self.” He laughed more.

 

 Julian pulled himself up, he then shook Zak’s shoulders as he told him, “ You do, every time Sarah says no,” Julian couldn’t take the laughing anymore, “No, now stop it, my sides ache,” He wheezed as he calmed down and then grabbed the tissues, blowing his nose, then flushing them.

 

“You never seriously answered me question, Jules. Why not me?” Zak took on a         semi-serious look and tried not to laugh.

 

Julian scratched his head and pretended to think about it.

“Well son, you there are married and married before I could get ta ya. Plus I ain’t into that sort and ya know it, so quit larking about,” Julian cracked a joking smile at Zak.

 

“Cheeky” Zak threw back at him and handed him some more tissues.

 

“ Always, I’m me da’s son….” They both snickered at that.

 

“Explains a lot. Christ I’m pissed as well. S’pose Sarah would pick us up?” Zak asked Julian.

 

“She’s your wife not mine, man. Lets get a car and go to a pub instead, or are you to hen pecked fer that one?” Julian teased his mate.

 

“Naw, I’ll call her and just let her know. She ain’t a wench y’ know.” Zak told him seriously.

 

“I know that one. You’re a lucky bloke. C’mon, lets see who is better at dialing.” Julian wrapped his arm around Zak, each using the other to walk, “Hey maybe we should just go to your flat and drink some more there. I don’t think I can stand to well.” Julian slurred.

 

“Right, my flat then.” Zak called for a car. They finished off the bottle while waiting and then left for Zak’s flat.

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Julian was woken out of sleep, his head pounded like a bass drum and his eyes couldn’t quite focus on the person who wouldn’t leave him alone.

 

“Let me sleep.” Julian grumbled, covering himself tighter with the quilt and trying to leave the hangover behind.

 

“You being like yer old man?” Zak teased him.

 

“Maybe.” Julian grumbled back as he hid under the quilt.

 

“C’mon Jules, You’ll miss you’re plane. Here take these and drink all the water. That’s what a hangover is from y’ know, lack of water in the brain.” Zak told Julian.

 

Julian reluctantly scooted up in the bed. He felt horrible, why did he get drunk, never again he thought. Then again how many times had he thought that one? He slowly took the pills and water from Zak. When he finished the whole glass he put it on the nightstand and grabbed his glasses so he could see.

 

“Ok Professor Starkey, drank me up all the water. Now, tell us where’d you hear this? Cause I’ve heard the same too, ” Julian looked up at Zak. He lay propped up on his elbow with his head on his hand and waited for his answer.

 

“ Just read it is all. Now get up you lazy sod and shower. We need to leave soon. Sarah is running errands and told me to tell you good-bye and not to be a stranger.” Zak threw a towel and flannel at Julian.

 

Julian sat up gingerly, he just wanted to go back to sleep, but he knew Zak was right. The hour was late and He had to catch his plane; he could sleep on the flight.

 

“ Eh, why don’t you have the dreaded hangover?” Julian asked curiously.

 

“ I took some headache pills last night and drank a lot of water, you my friend passed out and I hauled your heavy arse up here.” Zak smiled at him as he pulled the quilt down the bed,

“ Now lets have ya!! We have to leave soon.” Zak told him before disappearing out the guest room door.

 

“Eh! Me arse isn’t heavy!!!” Julian yelled after Zak and heard the laughter as he went downstairs.

 

 

 

Heathrow airport was packed with people coming and going, rushing to their loved ones or going to meet them. Others just sat in cold hard plastic chairs waiting for their flight to be called. Julian checked in his luggage and then made a call to make sure everything had been shipped home all right. He and Zak looked at the board to see if his plane was on time. It was, another 30 minutes to go and he’d be away from London, away from the reminders of past and present. Home was looking better and better each minute. He would miss Zak, his Uncle Paul, Uncle Ringo, Uncle George and all his fellow Beatle children. He had seen some of them while he was in London, but not all of them. He looked at his watch again and lit a smoke as he stood in the lounge with Zak. He had missed their friendship, he always did. Mary crossed his mind and he wondered what she was feeling, doing and how she was. He turned to Zak.

 

‘”Eh, you watch over Mary every now and then?” Julian asked him as he tapped his ashes into the ashtray.

 

“Yeah sure, not a problem. You gonna be ok?” Zak asked concerned.

 

“Yeah, I have you don’t I? “ Julian gave him a small smile.

 

Zak put his arm around Julian and slapped him lightly on his shoulder.

“You have always had me, Jules. We’ve been friends since I can remember. That’ll never change, you know that one.” Zak reassured him.

 

Julian nodded with gratitude to his longest friend. He turned into Zak and gave him a hug.

“Thanks for all you’ve done. I guess I really needed a friend and to let all that out. “ Julian looked down a bit embarrassed, but at the same time he wanted Zak to know how thankful he was to him. It hurt like hell, but he did feel somewhat better with things in there proper place in his mind. Now, he just had to work on his heart.

 

Zak kept looking around through the crowd nervously. Julian noticed this, his brow knitted together in confusion.

 

“What?” Julian asked him.

 

“Nothing, just gonna miss my sad bastard of a friend” Zak quickly told him. He thought just how good it was to see Julian and hoped the next time would be better and wouldn’t be so long between visits.

 

“You and the family need to come to Monaco. I’m goin’ to Italy for a few days then going to me mum’s for a few and then I’ll be home. You don’t go back on the road for 6 weeks, so come out. Love to have you guys, it’s been way to long and I didn’t realise how I missed ya.” Julian extended the invitation and hoped Zak would take him up on it.

 

Zak nodded in thought, “ I’ll talk to Sarah, and I think she’ll fancy the idea as much as I do. Of course Tatia is a teen so she might not want to leave her friends and with school and all, maybe she could stay at friends for a week. “ Zak smiled at the idea.

 

“Brilliant, then we’ll have a good time. I’ll ring ya when I get back from mum’s and then you can tell me when the two of you plan on comin’.” Julian was happy that they would come see him. Things were starting to fall back into place; all he had to do was forget about what happened between Mary and him. But could he, he wondered?

 

Zak seemed to be looking at something for a minute. He then led Julian out of the lounge and over to the large windows that over looked the planes.

 

Julian looked up at him, confused at being led away suddenly to the corner of the airport.

 

“ I thought we’d be more comfortable over here. Besides, I wanted to see the planes” Zak lamely explained.

 

“Whatcha going on about? You fly all the time.” It was then that Julian saw a brown haired young woman walking towards them. His eyes snapped to Zak, not understanding what was going on.

 

“Closure mate. I’m sorry. Had to call her and tell her when you were leaving. She wants to say good-bye and didn’t want to leave things the way you two did.” Zak explained

 

Julian gave him a bewildered look, “ You called her? What gives you the right?”

 

Zak tried to quiet Julian, “Listen Jules, I care about you and thought you should talk before you left. I mean sort things out a bit is all. Please, don’t be cheesed off at me.” Zak put his hand on Julian’s shoulder and gave him a pleading look.

 

Julian saw Mary coming closer and then turned to Zak, “ I don’t know if this is very cleaver. “

 

“You’ll be fine. Just hear her out and talk to her. I know it hurts, but it might hurt less with a chat. Ok?” Zak searched his friends face. He saw different emotions pass over it and then Julian nodded.

 

“Right, I couldn’t be upset with you. I’ll talk to her.” Julian conceded.

 

Mary came up and gave Zak a huge hug. The two gave each other a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Good to see you Zak. Thanks for giving me a ring and the heads up. He up for this?” Mary quietly whispered by Zak’s ear.

 

Julian wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying as he looked on with mixed emotions and wondering what was being said.

 

“I think it’s best. “ Zak released Mary and turned to Julian, “I’ll go over to the bog and then get a paper. Don’t leave before I get a chance to see you off.” Zak smiled at his nervous friend as he watched Julian’s lips purse in a tight smile.

 

“ Not a problem, ta.” Julian told him as Zak walked away and then Julian turned to the young woman that he held so much affection for. His heart hammered and his blood pounded in his ears as Mary approached.

 

Julian saw a shy look come from Mary’s face as she appeared in front of him. He had to resist the temptation to pull her into a hug and never let go.

 

“Eh Jules, Hope you don’t mind that I came to see you off. When Zak rang I just had to see you. Couldn’t leave thing the way they were.” Mary searched Julian’s face to see how he felt about her coming to see him off.

 

Julian took in a deep breath; he hid his desire and held it close as he took in what Mary had just said.

 

“ No, just surprised is all. Zak didn’t tell me he had rung you,” Julian thought a minute before he started to talk again, “I’m glad you came. Wouldn’t want to leave things that way either. After all it was a dream, right? And dreams don’t always come true no matter how much you’ve been through. It’s fine, really.” Julian ‘s mind quickly ran over the past several months and wanted to move on with out blame, but the pain would be inescapable. Part of him didn’t want to break away or let go, he again shoved his torn self away and only exposed the other half that knew he had to leave and be free to be himself again.

 

 

“Good I was worried about that. Listen Jules, I never meant to hurt you, you do know that right?” Mary asked him, hoping Julian would understand. Being he had some time to think, she hoped Julian would. She felt the pain of not having Julian at her side, but she couldn’t do it and in doing so had left a broken heart. It wasn’t just Julian’s it was her heart as well.

 

“Mary I completely understand it. You’re gonna get married and I shouldn’t have tried, should have known better. I did know, actually and I’m sorry for that one. It just hit me and I lost control. I hope you can forgive me. I do love you and I wouldn’t lie that it hurts. I should never have let it go so far. So, I’m sorry too.” Julian exhaled shakily, meaning what he was saying, but knowing that he did try to fight it back then and had lost horribly.

 

Julian watched a smile spread across Mary’s face.

 

“ There is nothing to forgive. What we had together stays with you, Zak, his dad, your mum, my sisters and me. For what it’s worth I loved every minute of us. I guess we both knew it wouldn’t keep. I just want to know if we can move on and someday have that friendship again that I am missing. I do miss that Jules, I mean joking and talking. I want us to be mates again, someday without any awkwardness between us. Do you think we can?” Mary drew closer to Julian as she asked hopefully.

 

Julian didn’t mean it, but backed up a step when Mary came closer.

“Sorry” Julian apologised at his unconscious move backwards.

 

“No, I understand. I guess I was being a bit bold.” Mary looked down, her face taking on a sad look.

 

Julian tilted his head and his heart cried out at the sadness on Mary’s face.

“I didn’t mean to upset you Mar. Just reflex, moving back is all. I’ll live and yes, we’ll be the best of mates once my mind is clear again. “ Julian moved back towards Mary, he’d rather hurt himself then her.

 

Mary turned her face up to Julian’s, her eyes shined up at Julian’s hazel ones. Julian’s heart skipped a beat, but again he pushed it away.

 

“Just take care of yourself and your dad. I’ll be fine. Going to Italy, then to see me mum and then home. Need to work on the CD, and I have to give a song to charity. Y’ know the proceeds go to them. Zak’s coming out in a few weeks to visit with Sarah and then after the CD, might be off to my flat in New York and visit Sean, then onto a tour.” Julian figured telling Mary his plans might make the younger girl feel better.

 

“Sounds about right for you. I did want to ask. Will you come to the wedding?” Mary asked before thinking.

 

“Yeah that’d be a real kicker. No, I can’t do that. You marry Al and be happy, I’ll send a gift. Maybe the CD with the song I wrote for you and the others you inspired,” Julian thought that a better idea and it sparked the music inside of him. 

 

The two stood there face to face by the big window. Julian didn’t know how much Mary wanted to hold on to him and beg him to stay, but she just couldn’t. Mary’s heart ached. She didn’t think that seeing Julian again would bring out such emotions. The emotions shot through her like electricity, shocking every part of her body. She wondered if she’d ever feel the same again about him. What would she do if he did get over her and she never got over him and married Al? Then, she thought, Al and her were marrying and the thought of having Julian stay or never get over her was just selfish on her part.

 

Mary wondered if this was how their father’s felt when they ended affairs back in their days. Without thinking Mary asked as it swirled though her brain along with all of her feelings about Julian and what they had.

 

“ I wonder if our dad’s felt this way at the end of their affairs or relationships, whatever you would call them?“ Mary asked mindlessly as she thought about it.

 

“I think it was the music. I mean when we just spoke about the song, I felt it and that is probably what saved me dad. I think they both loved the music so much that it helped to heal things so they could go on with the lives they already had. Mar, we too will get through this and be close again, but only as dear friends.” Julian put a hand on Mary’s shoulder. He hadn’t planned on it, but it felt right. Suddenly he felt hopeful that they would get passed this, like their father’s had with all the women they had gone around with. He prayed that he wouldn’t lose that hopeful feeling. He could feel the other side when he touched her. The side where the emotions overflowed, pouring out of his heart over her. He chose to hold onto the other part, the hopeful part, and the part that would eventually get through this.

 

Julian met Mary’s eyes again. He saw how they held the hope in them of what Julian just told her. Julian instinctively pulled Mary into a hug. They stood there for a minute, both holding on tightly to what they felt, saying good-bye to the past and hello to the future of their friendship at the same time. They both knew it would be very hard, the feelings ached inside both of them, as Julian pulled away first. His hands lay on both of Mary’s shoulders and a small smile crossed his face.

 

“We alright then?” Mary asked, hoping they were, and also hoping after talking they could be, she just needed to hear it from Julian. Why did she still need Julian’s protection? Why did her gut feel so twisted, even though it seemed things would eventually be fine between the two of them?

 

“Yeah, we are.” Julian answered. Mary’s face held a thankful smile on it.

 

Without thinking, Julian ran his hand through Mary’s hair and then he pulled it away.

 

Mary felt the feelings in him as well as herself. She fought hard not to lean into his hand, just as hard as Julian fought to pull his hand away.

 

“ I s’pose you board soon.” Mary asked to relieve the moments tension.

 

“Ah, yeah, about ten minutes until they call for it.” Julian looked down at his watch.

The same one Mary had given him.

 

“ You’re still wearin it?” Mary asked, with surprise.

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Julian looked puzzled.

 

“Dunno, just surprised. I did want to thank you again for the necklace and earrings you gave me. I still can’t believe you had the earrings made to match the necklace for me.” Mary shook her head in amazement.

 

“ It wasn’t hard to do. Look, I collect all me dad’s things and that’s hard to do. I enjoyed giving them to you. Think of me when you where them.” Julian smiled, telling her this again. He looked down at the tile, kicking the tip of his shoe on the floor.

 

“ Right, you got the Shea Stadium suit your dad wore.” Mary smiled, in awe that he was able to do that.

 

“Got all of them. I told you I have to collect me dad’s things. Seems wrong, but I have too. So when I found the actual one, and they had a few of the same, I bought all four. Posted one to Zak, being the eldest, one to Dhani, posted one to James, being the only male and of course I have dad’s. I think Uncle Paul and Uncle Ritch and Uncle George were really chuffed by it.  Anyways, I do have to get ready to be off and I have to talk to Zak. Thanks for coming down here, it really meant a lot for me and I feel better after talking.” Julian felt a bit lighter as he told Mary this, but knew it was going to be an emotional roller coaster, filled with these feelings of ups and downs.

 

“Right, then off I go. Ring me when you can, you know how to reach me.”

 

“Yeah, I got the number, as the song goes.” Julian started to laugh along with Mary as they hugged good-bye.

 

Mary kissed his cheek, turned and left. Julian felt the warmth of her kiss still on his cheek as he brushed his hand over it. He watched her go until she blended into the crowd and could no longer be seen. He felt a hand fall on his shoulder and turned to see Zak.

 

“You gonna punch me now?” Zak smiled ruefully at him.

 

“Naw, was though, but thought better of it now that we talked.” Julian shrugged, both lips pursed in a tight smile at his friend.

 

Zak again, saw so much of John, in that one look of Julian’s and smiled at the thought.

“You looked like your dad just now.” He said with a slight laugh to his voice.

 

“People do tell me that. Y’ know like aren’t you one of those famous Beatle kids? “ They both howled at that one, the joke never getting old.

 

“You are one of those aren’t you? John Lennon’s son right?” Zak clowned around with Julian.

 

“Naw, I’m Ringo’s kid.” That got a bigger laugh from both of them.

 

The P.A. System called for Julian’s plane to board.

 

The two friends stared at each other.

“Thanks Zak, for everything. Thanks for ringing Mary and having her come here. It made things a little better for both of us. Sometimes you can be a bit cleaver after all.” Julian chuckled.

 

“See told ya, I was. Now, we’ll see you in a few weeks I promise you that one. Get that Italian wine ready and make us some of your great cookin. Sarah’s a right good cook, but don’t tell her I said this, but you’re better.” Zak snickered along with his friend.

 

“Again, Zak thanks, I don’t think I’d have made it without you or Stella. I’ll write her and post it within the week. I do feel a bit better and I have plans to go home with. I also needed to get it out and you always know when I need you and what I need. Bloody hell I should have snagged you before Sarah, mate.” Julian teased as he howled with laughter.

 

“Told ya that one. Seriously, we made a promise years ago as kids to be there for each other, and we always have. You’re me bezzie mate, you are…” Zak teased him with some of their father’s scouse. He then gave Julian a tight hug as the last announcement was made to board the plane.

 

“ That’s me, gotta go. See you in a few weeks then?”

 

“You can be sure of that one, mate.” Zak answered him as they gave a final hug.

 

Julian picked up his carry on and started towards the ramp. At the door he turned and waved to his brother, his mate and then turned to walk onto the plane.

 

Zak stayed until the plane hit the air. He thought about the latest thing the two friends had been through. Again he felt grateful for Julian’s friendship and could hardly wait to see him on better terms in Monaco as he walked back towards his car.

 

He didn’t see Mary as she had hid in the crowd watching Julian and Zak. Seeing Julian again had stirred feelings she had buried. The hug had tingled her body. She knew she’d have to fight her feelings to get through this and was glad that Julian was opened to one day being good friends again. She wondered if that would be possible as her heart thumped a lonely beat. She watched the plane leaving the ground, he was gone now. She knew she’d have to again deal with this opened wound. Slowly, she turned around, put on her dark sunglasses, her body feeling drained, but glad that they had talked. She walked out of the airport to her car, being careful that Zak didn’t see her.

 

 

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