PHOTOGRAPH SMILE CHAPTER SEVEN

BY SUE

 

I don’t own the Beatles or their families. This is a fan fiction from my warped mind.

(This has a graphic sexual part in it. So if you want to skip that part do so, just wanted to let you know. Remember this is fiction from things I’ve read and built on.)

 

Julian jumped off the counter and turned to look out the window at the rain that poured down. The huge drops splattered to the ground hard with anger, making puddles of mud, while the flowers stayed closed, hiding. It was all gray, no light, no color, and no life, he thought. When had he changed? When had he slid on the mud and back into that puddle of doom? All he knew was he felt the way it looked out side, gray, with some anger, but mostly hiding himself away, so cold and lifeless. He felt an arm around his shoulder and knew it was Zak. He wished it could be Mary, but he knew too well it wasn’t. Julian turned to his friend, he leaned against the counter as Zak’s arm slid off of him.

 

 Zak noticed Julian’s face shadowed the image of outside, gray. Zak had seen this before in Julian and his heart went out to his friend. He felt funny hearing the intimate details of this affair, but he knew there was more to the story. Zak squelched the feeling within him. This was one of his best mates, someone with whom he had grown up with, and someone who understood living in the shadows of their icon fathers. He knew he had to keep pressing Julian to continue; sometimes he was too much like his father, John Lennon. Keeping things inside, hiding away from the world, and Zak didn’t want to see Julian keep doing this. Zak remembered how hard it was for Julian to climb out of the morose feelings last time. That was one of the things Julian had inherited from his father. Zak thought about all the times Julian would complain about him inheriting more moods from his father then his money. They had gotten a real laugh at that one. Zak watched as Julian’s face slid to his chest and he walked out of the room. Zak had been quiet too long and he knew Julian noticed. He followed him out into the empty living room. He found his friend sitting cross-legged on the floor, his back against the wall and his head tipped back with his eyes closed, smoking a cigarette. Zak sat down next to Julian. It was then he noticed the wet streaks on Julian’s face.

 

“Jules?” Zak shook him lightly.

 

Julian jumped, not expecting to be touched, “ Sorry mate.”

 

“Come off it, I’ve know you forever, no apologises needed. You got anything stronger then water in this place?” Zak asked as he looked around and only seeing some bags, along with Julian’s favorite guitar. Zak thought something stronger was in order and would help get Julian through his tale that he wove for Zak.

 

Julian swallowed his tears, wiped his face, and nodded towards his bag by the door,      “In there.” He played with the cigarette in the ashtray.

 

“Good, You know, why don’t you call that limo and tell them to hold off. I think we need to talk some more and you can spend the night with us. We’ll stay here for now whilst we talk. You could catch a flight out tomorrow or the next day, when things are more sorted.” Zak had retrieved the bottle and sat back down on the floor. He cracked open the seal on the bottle and took a swig. He handed the bottle to Julian and watched him take a few long swigs.

 

“Don’t know, I can’t think, maybe change the flight ‘til tomorrow, I don’t know.” He told Zak as he took another swig, and then put out his smoke.

 

Zak took the bottle from him and capped it. “ Right, then I’ll think for you. I’ll even call your mum.”

 

When Zak didn’t see a fight he went to the phone. He called and changed Julian’s flight and then spoke quickly to a relieved Cynthia. She felt better that Zak was with her son and that he was in good hands. She told him that and then told him the limo service that Julian used. Zak called and canceled them too. He walked back after about 15 minutes and sat back down on the floor with Julian.

 

“ Called your mum, she told me she knew you were pretty gutted and was glad to hear I was with you. You have a flight out tomorrow night and I’ll be driving you to Heathrow.” Zak explained the change of plans to his friend.

 

“ Looks as if you took care of it t’all. Ta mate.” Julian nodded and then unscrewed the cap of the bottle and took another swig. Reliving this wasn’t easy and he needed a little help, a shot of courage, as his dad would have said. 

 

“Well, you’re a little gone to think straight,” Zak took the bottle from Julian and again recapped it, “ And too much of this stuff mate, won’t help. I thought a bit might, but let’s put it up for now. “ Zak pushed the bottle to the other side of him. He didn’t want to see some of the other things Julian had inherited from his dad come out. Zak knew only too well how he could have ended up inheriting a drinking problem from his own dad as Jason had, so he always watched himself. Now, he’d watched out for Julian as well. After all, there were times Julian watched out for him too.

 

“Right, you’re absolutely right Zaky.” Julian nodded with his eyes closed, “ Your dad told you, that’s how you knew, innit?”

 

“ Actually no, Barb told Sarah just before I came back from the tour. She thought that if Sarah told me the little that she knew, well, then I’d come over and be there for you. The last thing Barb had heard was that you two had called it off, or that Mary had. Hearing this, I had to come, you’re me best mate, known you since my birth. I needed to come.” Zak explained to Julian, knowing that he’d understand.

 

“ Blimey, Barb knew too? I didn’t know that one. She must have been there when I told your da. Didn’t know that anyone knew Mary went off, though. Maybe Stella, she figured it out too, y’know,” Julian told Zak, surprise laced in his sad voice at the fact that Barb had known and talked to Sarah. He understood and appreciated that Barb told Sarah in an attempt to look out for him. Truth was, Julian was glad that someone he trusted so much was there for him. Although he found it hard to talk and even harder to reach out, he could always do that with Zak, finding comfort with his mate being there. 

 

“Right, with all that out of the way and now that you know how I learnt of it, let’s have it. The rest, no holding back.” Zak told him gently, but also sternly.

 

“Yeah, sure.” Julian sighed, his energy depleted and his depression overwhelming.

He searched his mind for the chapter where he had left off. Finding it, he started the tale again.

************************************************************************

Julian woke to a bright light shining into his eyes from the window. Bloody hell, he thought, I really need blinds. He wrapped a pillow around his aching head, blocking the sun from his tired eyes. He tried, but couldn’t get back to sleep. Rolling over, the clock blared its red light, showing it was noon. Julian didn’t usually sleep this late. He only did when he was out all night. He thought of his flat in Monaco and the late nights there, listening to the bands that didn’t start before midnight and the club he invested in. LaRascasse was a great club and he loved it. He remembered the long birthday party they threw him and how they did it again on Saturday. He loved going down to his favorite club, sometimes jamming with the bands, some local and some well known. It was fun, but he’d return to a more normal life in Italy, New York or Los Angles, and sometimes England.

 

He stretched, stopping in the middle from the pain in his body. Why’d his body hurt? Then Julian remembered falling down the stairs at Paul’s flat. He slowly sat up and lit a cigarette, letting his mind and body wake as he smoked it. He put out his smoke, got up and threw the quilt back on the bed. He gathered up some clothes and headed to the shower.

 

Clean and freshly shaved, he felt a little more like himself and wondered how the rest of them felt today. He had a grand time with everyone. He smiled at the thought until he remembered being so drunk that he had flirted insanely with Mary. God, he hoped she didn’t hate him. He slowly walked down the stairs. Finding himself in the kitchen he started the kettle. He squinted, remembering he forgot to put in his contacts as he measured out the tea. He put a few slices of bread in the toaster and started taking out the jam when the buzzer to the front door rang. He wondered who that could be. He placed the jar down on the island and walked out to the front door. Opening the first door he saw a silhouette outline. He tilted his head and through his fuzzy vision made out Mary’s curves. He opened the door, not sure if she would be mad. He cautiously looked at her long brown hair, her sundress that held her curves with an empire waist that allowed the purple and white flowered skirt to fall to her knees. He knew that Stella had made it for Mary, he had always loved Stella’s work Mary wore slip on sandals and he thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He noticed she had a bag in her hands as she turned to the opened door and Julian’s unsure face.

 

“ Help me with this, would you?” Mary asked, putting a paper bag in his unready hands.

 

“ Sorry, not fast enough, I suppose.” Julian felt foolish as he recovered the bag before he dropped it.

 

They walked into the flat and towards the kitchen.

 

“ Is that tea I smell?” Mary sniffed.

 

“ A, yup, just getting ready to eat something. Do you want anything?” Julian asked, putting the bag down on the island.

 

“ I’d love some tea. I bought some pastries over, along with a few things you might be interested in. I was going to come by earlier but after your sinful night, figured you’d be still kipping.” Mary teased, combing her fingers through her hair.

 

Julian turned to her with slight embarrassment. “ Sorry about last night. I was really pissed. Your da helped that one. Can’t blame him totally, I did drink it. I hope I didn’t make you too uncomfortable.” Julian again gave her a cautious look.

 

“ Right, you did embarrass me a bit, but you also turned me on and if there were no one around,” She slinked up to his back and ran her hands over his torso, “ You would have been a very lucky man. But the question is, would you have remembered?” She again teased him.

 

He felt his body react to her hands, hot tongue and butterfly kisses in the nap of his neck, while her body pushed against his back. He bent back for her, knowing she was probably on her toes.

 

“ Yes, yes I would have. How could I not remember anything with you?” Julian turned and embraced her in his arms. His lips met hers for a few long kisses before she squirmed out of his arms and he groaned.

 

“ Oh, poor lad.” She laughed, “ I’m hungry for food, and then maybe something else. I thought you’d be hung over,” She gave him a peck and then picked up a pastry. She sat on one of the stools and he sat on the other one.

 

“ I am. Uncle Ritch gave me aspirins, which helped, but still not 100%. I puked me insides out last night, probably the only reason I can eat these,” Julian laughed as he shoved a second pastry in his mouth, “ Ta for the pastries, was fixing on toast.”

 

“ Right, I hear there is a great cure for a hang over. Might go and try it out on you, later.” Mary giggled.

 

“ You wonton tease.” Julian growled jokingly. He sipped his tea and felt her eyes on him, “What?”

 

“ After you left with everyone and daddy was in his bed and Heather in hers, Stella came into my room. You know Stel, she didn’t fish, just came out with it. She told me she knew that something was going on between us.” Mary watched for Julian’s reaction to what she had just said.

 

“ Did she now? And what did you ever tell her?” Julian half joked as he asked. He didn’t care. He wanted the whole world to know. He knew the love he held for Mary, it was more than he had ever felt for a woman. But, for Mary, he kept their secret, hoping it wouldn’t be for to long. He thought a bit longer. Stella, he smiled in his mind. She never was one for mincing words and he for one was glad that she didn’t. He was thrilled about her knowing. Julian also hoped that maybe Stella would be for them and help Mary see that they were good for one another. Maybe then they wouldn’t have to hide anymore.

 

“ I can’t lie and Stel knows that one. So we talked and she told me to be careful and not hurt you. Said that with all that is going on with Mum, da, and Alistair, I could. She promised me that she won’t say a word, but was a bit jealous and asked what it was like to sleep with that sexy Julian Lennon. Her words,” Mary laughed as she remembered their long discussion about Julian and how Stella too, had wanted to get with him at one time. How both girls thought he was so sexy.

 

Julian’s brow rose like a typical man. “ Whatcha tell her?”

 

“ You were horrible, of course.” Mary laughed so hard her head fell, lying on her arms.

 

“ Come off it. You rather enjoyed me and I you.” Julian’s eyes lay on Mary.

 

“ Oh, silly, I know that one. Only Stel seems to have wondered at one time what it would be like and also fancied you.” Mary admitted to him, matching his stare and smiling, “Think a part of her still may. She told me she didn’t want either of us hurt,” Mary sighed and then went back to finishing her tea.

 

“ So, all this time I could have had my pick of the McCartney girls. Bloody ‘ell I should have taken you both years ago. “ Julian gave her a wicked smile.

 

 

“ You had plenty of wicked women back then, Julian Lennon. Especially when you were drugging and drinking so bleedin’ much.” Mary reminded him, “And both of us? You are a greedy bloke,” She hit him gently.

 

“ Hey, told you us blokes can be right bastards and selfish. And I don’t drug anymore that’s a dead end, never thought of what it would do to me until later on” Julian said as he got up and cleared the dishes, washed them and put them away.

 

 

Mary didn’t know if this would be the right moment to show Julian the paper. She hadn’t read it, but saw the pictures and headline. She figured showing him would be better than him finding out later. She fished through the bag. She put the paper upside down on the island so he couldn’t see the front page. Then she put some food she had picked up into his fridge.

 

Julian walked over to the island as he watched her put some vegetables away. “ I have plenty in there for your kind of salad, which I have to say I do find tastes grand.”

 

“ But you don’t have these so I bought them,” Mary closed the fridge door. She started to talk as she walked over to Julian, “ Daddy is going away for a few days. Maybe four or five, to a friends on Friday and thought, well, I had hoped I could stay here.” She felt funny inviting herself. Mary looked up at Julian, waiting to hear his answer.

 

Julian was happy at hearing this news. This would be the first time they would have a few days and nights together. Several ideas ran through his head. “ I think that’d be brilliant. I hear it’s suppose to be nice Friday and a picnic lunch in the park, your camera, my guitar would be grand. Maybe even a boat. I’d row you around the pond, think it would be rather fun and I would love to have you alone for a few days along with the wonderful nights. How long? “ A beatific look took on Julian’s face as he thought more and more about the long weekend with just him and Mary.

 

“ I think Friday until Monday would be smashing. I can’t wait. I’d love to take some pictures of you and of us, hear you play, and then that wonderful boat ride. I think we could come up with some fun and lovely things to pass the time.” Mary’s face lit up at the thought until her eyes hit the newspaper on the island.

 

Julian saw her look change as her eyes hit the paper. “ What? Is there something in there I need to read, something I won’t like?” He looked up suspiciously.

 

“ Yes, I’m afraid so. Think you better get your glasses so as you can read the front page.” Mary told him quietly.

 

Julian tilted his head at her, his brow furrowed and he turned over the paper. He squinted but saw pictures. One of him and Paul, years ago, when he went onto a telly show, the other was a picture taken only two years ago of him with George and Ringo at the Royal Albert Hall for George’s concert for the Nature Law benefit. Finally, there was a picture of the four Beatles and tucked along side a recent picture of Julian. Julian could feel the fury growing inside of him. He quickly went into the living room and tore open a few draws until he found his glasses. He put them on and came back into the kitchen. He again looked at the pictures. His heart raced as he saw the headline, “ Is a Beatle reunion finally on its way?” Julian felt queasy as he read this, emotions building up inside of him.

 

“ Blimey, I did say at one time maybe I would. But, this and now?” Julian whispered as he picked up the paper. He leaned on the island as he read the story that covered the whole front page.

 

Mary could see the anger growing inside of Julian as well as the fear while he read the article. She studied him, looking on from the side and read the article as best as she could.

 

“ Bleedin’ ‘ell, Says that a fan ran home and got his powerful and modern tape machine with a device that brings in the distant sounds clearly and drowns out the close range noise. This bloke has all of what we did last night and wants to put it on the Internet. They say that the fans were excited over the Beatle tunes, how much I sounded like me dad and how Paul and me made the songs sound almost like the real thing, except my voice is a pitch higher in places. Fuckin’ arse’s say that they didn’t think that Paul played the harmonica and that it was me. Another thing I picked up from me dad, “ Julian went on to finish the article, rage was visible, he seemed ready to explode at any moment. Julian grabbed some of the paper, balled it up and threw it across the room. Picking up more, he thrashed it, hard, onto the floor. He then pounded the island with his fist, the noise echoing. 

 

 

“ What the fuck are they doing? This was done with a long time ago! I fought, Christ we all fought for so long to get rid of this. They’ll never see me for my own talents, only how I am a miniature of the fuckin’ famous John Lennon! For bloody fuckin’ sakes, can’t they just leave me alone? My dad was indeed a famous talent in his own right, but I too have talents in my own right! They’ll never get it, will they! “ Julian’s umbrage feelings jumped out wildly.

 

Mary got up to try and comfort him. “ Jules, it will blow over, I’m sure. You know how the paparazzi are. “ She tried to touch him and he pulled away, rage tightening his body.

 

“ No, it won’t, Mary. They are after it and if they keep up the pressure they think we’ll cave. When my record company didn’t back me, thinking it was great publicity, Paul, Ritch and George had to help. Now the vultures are at it again. WHEN ARE THEY GONNA LET THIS GO!” Julian yelled.

 

Mary jumped back, not expecting such a strong reaction from Julian. She stood there and watched as he kicked the papers around on the floor. Then he walked into the living room, Mary followed.

 

“ When I first told dad that I wanted to go into music he warned me. Told me that I’d be in his shadow and he was sorry. He saw my talents, even thought how wonderful and different they were, but saw how he had influenced me along with the Beatles. How could they not? I grew up listening to them. Took a back seat to them. Christ, he told me he was too young to be a husband and father and he did apologise to me for that. One of the few times he did. I didn’t start until after his death and was always sorry, but I was young. The press ate me up. I had to quit and run from the comparisons of me to dad and the pressures among other things. Living in his shadow as he had told me. My record company didn’t help, they said it was good free publicity and I argued with them. “ He stopped, staring at a photo of him, Cyn and John.

 

Mary took this opportunity to say something. “ That was a long time ago. I remember some of what you went through. I was short of a teenager and remembered my da and mum discussing it. I remember da talking to George and Ritch about it and how to help you and squelch the reunion stories. They wanted to help and let you be seen for the talent that was in you. A talent they saw was different from your dad’s, yet they also saw the similarities between you and your dad too. Jules, I think this will pass a lot faster than back then. Please calm down.” She didn’t want to fuel his anger. Mary had never seen this part of him and it scared her. She remembered her father talking at times of John’s temper, laughing at the past, but admitting how they all would be afraid of it at times.

 

“ Calm down? Calm down, you say! How the fuck am I supposed to calm down? I fought this before and don’t fancy doing it again! Will they ever accept me for me? It also pointed out in the article, which is probably in every paper and most likely in the international ones as well! They spoke of the CD that I’m working on after so many years and wondered if George, Ritch and your dad will sing on a few songs, making a trial reunion! Will I ever get out of your blasted shadow, dad? They also talked of the song I jokingly made to sound like a Beatle song. They said it was great with all of us on it and commented how that would make another Beatle song!! They had that with the tapes of my father on the Anthology!” Julian stalked around the room like a caged animal. His mood was horrible and all over the place.

 

 Julian took off his glasses and threw them on the coffee table. Then he went over to the end table with balled fists, he rammed one down hard on it. The noise was loud and made Mary jump as the lamp slid from the vibration and fell down, little pieces of it scattered.

 

“ They’ll never give me peace, NEVER!” Julian screamed with mixed frustration and anger. After a few minutes his mood shifted again to defeat. He leaned against the mantle, glancing at the picture of him and his dad, again.

 

 

Mary watched Julian. She knew it might be hard for him, but didn’t he tell Mary at one time that he’d want to know something like this? The young girl got up and went to Julian, who crumbled into her arms.

 

“I don’t want to be like him anymore. I just want to be me. Why can’t the demons leave me alone? I feel like I’m about to fall, again. I mean, yeah I look like him and sound somewhat like him, can’t help that, he’s me dad. I’m proud he is, but just want to be me.” Julian wept

 

Mary held Julian tight, running her hand up and down her lovers back. After all, wasn’t that what they were, lovers?

 

“It’s gonna sort itself out Jules. You’ll see. Look, just because we’re hiding things right now doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t real.” Mary kissed Julian on the top of his head.

 

Julian pushed away from Mary, suddenly needing air.

“I am my father! What would he say at this shite? At times I need him. Christ, I thought I was over this bloody shite.” Julian sniffed as anger filled his voice.

 

“You said it yourself to me, remember? It’s like the ocean? Isn’t that what you said?” Mary reminded Julian and asked at the same time. She was confused at Julian’s reaction. Mary came closer; she tried to reach out to Julian.

 

Julian pulled away,” Yeah, I said that didn’t I. It’s bollocks, this whole bloody thing!” He yelled so loud, Mary, again, felt some fear run through her body.

 

“Bullocks Jules? It doesn’t matter and getting mad isn’t gonna change it. Hey, I care about you. You’ve helped me so much. I hate to see the pain in you. I had hoped that you settled that. You said you did.” Mary spoke softly, but urgently to Julian.

 

Julian didn’t know where to run, to the bottle, out of the house, or to Mary? He felt weak with emotion and he either needed to escape into the bottle or Mary’s arms. He saw Mary out of the corner of his eye, coaxing him over. He sighed loudly in surrender and went to her.

 

He fell into her arms and his lips pushed hard on Mary’s. He needed Mary and felt almost possessed by his father as he brutally continued to kiss Mary. He quickly took the dress off and tore at the young woman’s underclothes. Mary didn’t stop him, it excited her and she never thought it would. She had been learning a lot about herself with Julian.

 

Julian tore violently at Mary’s bra and panties. He pulled her again, naked to him and kissed her so hard he could feel his lips bruise. He pushed Mary down hard on the couch as he pulled his own clothes off. He reached to the end table draw and took out a condom that he kept downstairs, since Julian never knew where they might make love. He put it on and came at Mary. Julian held Mary’s beautiful face in his hands, tightly as he entered her with his hard erection. He pushed in and out, groaning in escape. He needed to be inside Mary, he needed to feel peace. He hoped he could feel that, and Mary was the only one that could give it to him, as Yoko did with his father. There were times he hated his father for what he had done and right now with everything going on, the emotions were overpowering. He knew he loved his father and had figured most of it out some time ago. Yet, with this and his anger so free, old feelings intruded in his head.

 

He felt torn in two; he just wanted to be free from the anger and guilt. He wanted to release it. Releasing it was to be done with animal lust and without a thought, but his own selfishness. He wanted to move on without the pain, and he just wanted to stop tearing himself apart. He wanted the strength to break away from his father, but he never wanted to let go of Mary. When did this all come back to him? He thought it was put away, dealt with a long time ago.

 

 He pulled Mary into another kiss, pushing deeper so he could have her the way he desperately needed. He didn’t care, his mind was jumbled and he could see his dad’s face with one of the many women he cheated on with his mum. He pulled almost all the way out and then slammed into Mary, hard. He shoved into her, pushing hard and fast. He felt his hands on Mary’s hips, pushing them towards him. He faintly heard Mary yelp in pain at first. Then as his pace became an even tempo, he held Mary with one arm and wrapped his other around to grab Mary’s breast. He was enjoying this, Julian thought in the back of his mind. He started to violently push insane thrusts into Mary while he rubbed his pelvic area against her swollen aching place between her legs. He just wanted an exorcism from his dad’s memory, but he saw John egging him on. He hoped that he could achieve this exorcism of his father’s bad side, freeing his feelings that he felt so tangled in. Starting with the talks Mary and he had about their parents. Then the article and then all the old feelings flooded back. His body took over, his mind just a blur of his dad, he felt John come out. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this was how John treated some of those woman in the early days, he wondered if Maureen Cleave was, also at times, treated like this.

 

Julian could feel the wickedness come through as he started to hiss to Mary.

 

“You do like this. You want me, all of me, don’t you? “ He raised his voice when he didn’t get an answer, “DON’T YOU?!”

 

It felt so good, and Mary never thought that she could be attracted to another man other than Alistair, or to such violent sex.

 

“Yes” She whimpered to Julian. She felt the electricity pulsate through her body as Julian pounded and rubbed on that certain spot. Julian’s hands molding Mary’s breasts and teasingly rubbing her taunt nipples.

 

Julian felt the sweat run down his body as he worked it hard, trying to release everything with physical force and with his orgasm. He drew in ragged breaths, not able to stop himself from an act that was so not like him. He felt Mary squirm with pleasure and heard her heavy breathing as he fucked her on the couch.

 

“SEE YOU FUCKIN LOVE IT!!!! TELL ME!!” Julian yelled more. He realized somewhere in the back of his mind that this wasn’t him and Mary, but his father and some bird. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t bring the thought to the front of his mind.

 

Again Mary whimpered with pleasure, “Yes…..Jules…..yes I LOVE IT!!!” Her whimper turned to yelling as she felt herself getting closer to her release.

 

“BUT YOU DON’T LOVE ME DO YOU?” Julian yelled again, angry tears ran down his face as he kept thrusting hard into the young woman that he loved so much. God, what possessed him to ask that or do this? He knew the answer, the truth that blasted ink on paper truth!

 

“JULES!” Mary’s body started to shake as she began towards her rapture.

 

“DO YOU LOVE ME?” Jules cried as he felt Mary begin her descent into her release

 

“OHHHH, I ….I …..care. “ That’s all Mary could say as her body snapped. She jerked into the rapture that she needed.

 

Julian felt himself being drawn into Mary. After a second, he felt his own cravings hit a peak as his body convulsed with the hard power of his own orgasm. He hoped that it would rid him of the insanity that had taken over his body and mind.

 

Mary collapsed and Julian fell back on the couch. Both panting like dogs in the middle of a hot summer day. Julian wiped at his brow as the salt water rolled down his face and into his eyes. He felt flushed from the sex and flushed from embarrassment of how he had just treated Mary or one of his dad’s women. He knew that’s whom he saw as he teetered back and forth. Thank God, now he felt more himself, and the monster was gone from inside him. His thoughts became clearer, he only hoped that wouldn’t happen again.

 

Julian realized the rage that came back into him was the fear of becoming his father and being compared to him in their music. He loved his dad, but he knew of the violent temper and other things, he always knew about the other side of John Lennon. The time with Brian, the affairs with other women and Maureen Cleave and he saw those affairs clear as day, when he brutally took Mary. He imagined the way John might have drunkenly taken other women, maybe even Maureen and his mother. He didn’t know as he leaned his head back and rested it against the couch. He wondered if Mary would be scared of him now. He’d be lucky if she didn’t tell him to bugger off. How could he explain his temporary insanity to Mary and make her understand how he needed her? How could he tell Mary that the article and all he had found out about his father mirrored the feelings of his father’s in him? Afraid to lose Yoko and only at peace with her, no matter how Julian felt about his father’s wife, it was true and John hadn’t faired well when the broke up. Julian too, was afraid to lose Mary and only feeling totally at peace with her.

 

 

Julian lifted his head and turned to Mary, who sat sideways, with her head and arm lying on the back of the couch. Mary looked satisfied, but gave him a confused look. Julian shook his head, hanging it in shame.

 

“I’m sorry.” Julian said quietly.

 

“ What happened there, Jules?” Mary extended her hand until it touched Julian’s.

 

Julian got up and started to get dressed. He then realized he had ruined Mary’s bra and panties.

“Christ Mar……I didn’t mean to do this.” He held up the torn under garments, “ I’ll get a needle and thread and replace these.” He hurried to the closet, after slipping just his jeans on. He came back with a sewing kit and put it down. Mary grabbed his hand.

 

“You don’t have to replace a thing. I just want to know what happened. You snapped. Why?” Mary searched Julian’s face before she got up and kissed him gently.

 

Julian hugged her, “Dunno, My dad, the Beatles, a letter I found a while back from Maureen Cleave, a journalist he had a long affair with, Yoko, and his peace with her, all that sort. I thought the comparisons were over, but seeing it again, made it real. Then I saw my dad’s feelings towards Yoko, and well, as much as I don’t fancy her, the feelings he had for her, it mirrors mine for you.” He backed away, an embarrassed look on his face.

 

Mary shook her head knowingly. “ I was in shocked with that article as well, them bringing the reunion up again. Yeah it was a surprise also to find out these things, with the hundreds of women, really happened. My dad did his share too, but I know he wasn’t married or had a kid. But you said as well that at John’s young age he didn’t know how to handle it and his head was fully into the Beatles. I think he even later on said it publicly. He also said because of the Brian thing, which must have also been a shock to you. Didn’t he say, it doesn’t matter who you love…….:” Julian cut Mary off.

 

“ As long as you love. There’s too much hate in this world. Yeah I remember what he said. He opened the doors for the homosexuals in New York. He felt strongly on that, just as they did with the segregation in the states during their tours.” Julian finished, rubbing his eyes, “ I need some aspirin.”

 

“I’ll just put my clothes on then.” Mary watched him go into the other room, in search of aspirin and probably a cigarette.

 

Julian took some aspirin that he found in the bathroom cupboard. He then sat on the toilet and lit a cigarette. He smoked it as he thought about the last hour. He needed to say more to Mary, it couldn’t be left this way. Lack of communication could bring a relationship to an end quickly. He flushed his smoke, rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash, splashed his face with water, and then went back out to Mary.

 

He stood there watching Mary sit on the couch drinking a cup of tea she had just gotten and saw one for him. She looked up at Julian. He saw her pat the couch next to her. Julian ashamed slowly walked over and sat down next to Mary.

 

“We need to talk more about this, luv.” Julian spoke as Mary shook her head yes.

 

“What else is on your mind, Jules?” Mary asked softly.

 

“ I feel selfish, what I did to you. I’m sorry. I know you said not to, but I need you to hear me out. I just had this flash, like I said of my dad and all the women he was with, especially that journalist that meant so much to him. Suddenly, I felt like my dad and it felt like I was him with all those women, with that Cleave woman or May. I felt the comparisons between him and me. With this latest thing, I feel like it’s starting all over again. I know it sounds like I’m off my trolley on this one, but I did at that,” Julian fidgeted uncomfortable, with the situation, “ I thought the anger and pain was behind me. I mean it comes every so often, but it hasn’t come like this in years. I doubt myself and I haven’t felt this way towards someone in quite some time. Like I said, I looked in the mirror and saw my dad, not me. I know I shouldn’t say this, but I love you, Mary and feel the same peace with you that my dad must’ve felt with Yoko. I know I say things about her, but she made him happy. I know you don’t feel as strong for me and it bothers me. I don’t want you to leave and bloody hell Mary, I feel so vulnerable. I wasn’t myself just then, really, you know that,” Julian begged as he stole a glance at Mary to see how she was taking his confession.

 

Mary just sat there thoughtfully for a few minutes, listening to Julian,” I know that wasn’t you, Jules. Am I hurting you? I never intended on that.”

 

“No, I’m hurting myself, I think. I want something that you’re not ready to give yet.” Julian was blunt and honest even though it did hurt.

 

“I care more then you’ll ever know about you. I love being together and no one makes me feel like you. I can’t give you what you want right now. Can’t we go on the way we have been? See what happens?” Mary asked after telling Julian how she felt.

 

“Yeah, I guess that would be best. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I just want us to get closer.” Julian would take what he could, he thought as he answered Mary’s questions. Julian thought how much he had already gone through in his life and knew that Mary hadn’t had as much. She had gone through some things, but not like him. For the millionth time he thought of how she had just recently lost her mum and on top of that Alistair, who told her it was just some time off. He didn’t know if Alistair was coming back, or what he’d do if she went back to her fiancé. He couldn’t let go yet, although he knew he might have to eventually.