Thoughts of Yesterday

By Terri J. Deno

 

        "C'mon Julian," John said to his three year old son, taking his hand and helping him out of the backseat of their car. Cynthia was on the other side, taking out a picnic basket and a blanket.

        "Swim?" Julian asked, his bright eyes staring up at his father.

        "It might be a little too cold for that," Cynthia answered.

        "No! Swim!" Julian ran from his parents toward the rough, cold ocean. John stood there, watching him.

        "John, I don't think he should be out there. He might catch cold."

        "Oh Cyn," John sighed, "A man's got to learn to make decisions for himself."

        "He's not a man, John. He's just a little boy!" Cynthia looked upset.

        John looked at his wife and said, "Yeah, okay. I'll get him." John jogged across the sandy beach and retrieved little Julian, who had almost made it to the water. He picked him up and put him on his shoulders. Julian started to giggle. John loved that sound. It was almost like the way his mother had laughed. John, however, had not noticed that about his son right away. It was Paul who had first pointed it out, one day while they were rehearsing at Kenwood.

        John carried Julian back to his mother, who had spread out the blanket over by some rocks. He sat Julian on the blanket next to his mother, and then he went exploring on his own.

        "John!" Cynthia exclaimed once she noticed her husband trying to climb the rock cliffs behind them. "What on earth are you doing?"

        "Being adventurous!" was his explanation. He kept climbing, and within a minute or two he was at the jagged top.

        He stood atop those rough rocks for what seemed to be an hour in his mind. He couldn't stop watching the ocean waves. It soothed him. But it also brought back many memories. Memories he was trying to forget.

        John's legs became stiff, so he sat down upon the rocks, hanging his feet over the edge. He heard Julian laugh and say, "Daddy!" John smiled.

        Even if a family wasn't what he had wanted, it was what he got. He didn't know how things would have differed if he hadn't gotten Cynthia pregnant, or if they hadn't married. He thought for awhile, and then decided it didn't matter. He couldn't go back and change time, so it was pointless to just sit around and wonder.

        "John! Come and have something to eat!"

        "All right, all right," John muttered. He found it easier to get, or rather fall, down from the rocks than it was to get up there.

        The family dined on the breezy beach, and then John became restless again. He wanted to see why the ocean seemed to be calling him. He removed the sandals from his feet and left them in the picnic basket when Cynthia wasn't looking, just for a little joke. He stood up, and Julian was at his side. "Want to walk with me?"

        "Yeah. Daddy!" Julian stretched his arms up as much as he could. John bent down and picked him up. Then they took a walk by the edge of the tide.

        Walking along the beach mad him think again. Think about how life would have been had he'd chosen to stay with his father. He may have never became interested in the things that he was now. He may have become a seaman, like his father. John shuddered at the thought. Then, as he did before, shrugged the whole memory off, telling himself he couldn't change time.

        Then he notice Julian how grown relaxed and limp in his arms. He walked up to where Cynthia was standing, taking in the view. "C'mon Cyn, let's go home," John said, putting his arm around her shoulders. They then packed up the car and went home.