WE CAN WORK IT OUT

 

 

                                                     Author abbeyrd {Sue}  

 

                                                Chapter one

  

 

 

     She stood there folding clothes, putting them into boxes. Her long blonde hair in a ponytail, wearing jeans and a t- shirt, she wore a strained look on her face, still she was pretty.  Slowly she sat down on the bed, pushing the boxes over to the side; tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at them.  How did it get to be this way?  They were supposed to be a family, grow together, share raising their son, and if they were lucky enjoy playing with their grandchildren and now that would never happen.  She had seen them growing apart, at first denial set in. Then she tried what she could to bring them closer.  Hadn’t she tried to be the perfect northern wife, making a home as close to normal as she could under the circumstances?  A haven for him to come home to after the stress of touring, the pressures of success and the trappings of fame?  There was never any privacy, between the fans and press, locked on the estate like prisoners, they led their own lives.  Some times , he seemed interested in planning Julian’s future or a house hold decision, but mostly he left that to her , telling her she knew better what to do  .

       She held his shirt tight in her hand, lifting it to her face, trying to see if there was any of his scent left on it.  Tears quickly turned to anger as she threw the shirt across the room.  “Bloody Hell!”  Hadn’t she done everything she could?  She tried drugs for him, with that boyish charm he’d say “Com ead Cyn it will bring us closer” playing on her fears she ‘d do it only to find she couldn’t handle it.  Paranoid to the point of freaking out and only to try it again, hoping to see the answers he found in them.  It didn’t work, so she gave up.  Then putting up with his moods and drug induced state, hangers on partying till they passed out in her house!  In the morning she would clean up around the bodies draped all around the house, trying to get rid of everything before Julian woke, to make it as normal as possible.  “A small child shouldn’t have to see the likes of this lot!”  She would bitterly think.  Hadn’t she been tolerant of his going out till all hours without her?  She never knew how he would be, what to expect, his moods were like a yo-yo, swinging up and down, thrown out at her.   It was bad enough in the early days when he’d be gone on tour for months at a time choosing not to think about his infidelities.  It was lonely without him raising their son on her own at least when he came back from tour he showed his love for her.  What happened to the man, who would die without Miss Powell, the man that wrote her long love letters everyday when he was in Hamburg, then loved her to exhaustion when he came home.  The man who hated to be away from her and promised her it wouldn’t always be this way.   Gees it had been months and she could still go off on theses thoughts.   Slowly, she got up pushing everything out of her mind.  “I can’t think about this, I have to get on for Julian  if anything”   The door bell echoed through the house,  Dot was outside with Julian , she would never hear  it, pulling her shirt down, she wiped her eyes ,fixed her hair, a quick look in the mirror, then down the stairs to answer it.

                                        

 

 

 

     She opened the door, her face held a surprised expression , as she looked up to see a tall dark haired brown eyed man holding a bouquet of roses.  “Paul?”  Smiling he handed them to her. “I came to deliver these to you” Still looking a little unsure she took them, Paul broke the uncomfortable silence. “Ya gonna ask me in then?”  He saw her blush as she stepped away motioning him to come in, this made him laugh and hearing the familiarity of it made her relax.  “I need to put these in some water, come to the kitchen with me.”  He followed watching her closely, she filled the vase with water, put the flowers in it, then set it down on the table, all this was done without expression.  He sat down still watching her; she turned to him with a look of questioning.  “There beautiful, but why?”

Again he had to laugh “why the flowers or why am I here?”  It was then that he noticed her tear stained face and puffy eyes.  “I guess both” he got up off the stool, as he moved towards her she looked up at him waiting for his answer.  “I’ve been worried about you and Jules for the longest time and last time I spoke with you , you didn’t sound convincing”  He put his arms around her ,  hugging her he thought about how long he had known her, she was great , how could John leave her for that strange Japanese women.  She had always struck him as vulnerable and at the same time strong.  She had to be to put up with John and the lifestyle of a Beatle.  She hugged him back for a minute then released him.  “we’re ok  ....really,  sit now , I’ll make us a cuppa .”  Doing what she told him he sat down but he knew she wasn’t ok.  All he could do is let her go at her own pace and be there for support.  She put up the water, fumbling around nervously knowing all to well he was watching her.  At that minute, much to her relief, Julian ran into the kitchen followed by Dot, the housekeeper.  She had been doing more hours the last few months, helping Cynthia since John had left.  Julian ran excitingly right to Paul.  He loved to play with Paul, he wasn’t like his father and Paul got down on the floor and played with him. John loved him, but could never get the hang of it.  He read to him, tucked him in to bed, but never showed the attention that Paul did.  “Uncle Paul!!!”  Julian jumped into his arms, hugging him. ”Did you come to take me out?”  He had always loved John’s son and gladly took him out every so often.  They both enjoyed each others company.  “Where’s Martha?” Laughing Paul gave him another hug. “Oh ,  she wanted to stay at home this time and no we aren’t going out, but that doesn’t mean we can’t play”  He lifted Julian over his head  flying him into the sun room  like an airplane, Julian laughing all the way.  Cynthia smiled up at Dot as they watched the two disappear.  “No tea I guess” Dot turned around giving an encouraging look.  “Is Mr. McCartney staying for dinner? There is enough here and a bit of company would be good for you ya know” She smiled at her then turned to check the food in the oven.  She had been so concerned about all the time Cynthia spent alone Mr. McCartney would be good company for them.  Slowly and thoughtfully Cynthia answered her housekeeper and friend.  “I don’t know if Paul has plans” Dot smiled, and then nodded towards the sun room.  “OK.... I will ask him.”  She laughed and then slowly walked to the sun room. She watched the two of them on the floor, building with blocks. He was standing on his knees building the blocks up while Julian knocked them down. “Paul.....you are staying for dinner right?”  He thought for a moment mentally going over his calendar, he realized he didn’t make any plans for the evening. “yeah  I don’t have anything goin tonight, so why not.”  He went back to playing with Julian who got all excited about him having supper with them.  Cynthia was relieved, Dot was right some company would do her good, maybe she could forget about things for awhile.  She hated walking through that big house alone after Julian was asleep; it often reduced her to tears. Dot had already heard his response, Cynthia saw her add the extra place setting on the table, then put on her coat.  She told her to leave the casserole in the oven for another 15 minutes, and then left for home.  Suddenly, Cynthia felt nervous.  why should she be nervous, she had known Paul forever, but John was usually around and she didn’t know how long she could put on the charade of being fine. 

     All through dinner and then for awhile after they talked about small things, breaking it up with playing around with Julian.   They spoke about how Martha was doing with her training, glad to hear his housekeeper hadn’t killed her yet.  Paul spoke about a new group he had seen at a night club a few nights ago, maybe she might want to go sometime. He told her how his father’s garden was growing this year. They spoke about everything, except the obvious.  Paul helped her clean up, then played some more with Julian until, much to his dismay, Julian was told it was time for bath and then bed.  Like any child having fun he put up a stink about going.   Paul seeing Cynthia just didn’t have the patience for this, chimed in “Jules if you do what your mum says, I’ll come around this weekend and we can take Martha out to the country, maybe all of us...”  Trailing off, he realized he hadn’t asked Cynthia if she even wanted this outing. Quickly, to cover his tracks and quite sheepishly he looked over at her “that is if it’s ok with your mum” Cynthia let out a sigh, as Julian kept begging her to say yes. “Well ok, for a little while I suppose.”  She then ushered Julian upstairs listening to him yelling happily all the way up them.

 

 

                                           

 

 

 

         Paul walked to the living room, finally resting against the mantle.  He picked up a picture of John and Cynthia, looking at it. It was taken a few years ago at a party they had all gone to.  Who was it for?  Oh yeah, John Dunbar and Marianne.  They seemed happy there, what a great party that was. He put the picture back down, leaving the house to go to the car he brought back in his guitar.  He took it out of the case, sat down on the coach and then began to tune it.  He had a song in his head on the ride down, he figured now would be a good time to do something with it.

        Julian went to bed easier then she thought, closing the door to his room. Standing at the top of the stairs soft music drifted up them. She leaned against the banister listening to it.  Her heart raced for a minute and then she realized it wasn’t John.  She stood there for a moment and then slowly started down them, calming herself as she went.  When she got to the entrance of the living room she could finally hear Paul’s voice.  The smooth gentle sound mixed with the sweet sound of the guitar engulfed her.  Not making a sound she quietly listened to him, singing a song that was obviously about Julian.  “Hey Jules don’t make it bad.....”   He stopped and fiddled with a line suddenly breaking Cynthia’s trance.  “that’s beautiful”  she walked over to him, he glanced over his shoulder, smiling shyly, not realizing that she had been listening.  “Um a thanks.....yeah, it’s been floatin around in me head all day.  It’s for Julian......I might change the name though...but it’s for him......children get lost in divorces , ya know, they sometimes have that guilt and I just wanted to do something to make him feel better”  He went to put his guitar back in the case as she sat down sideways facing him.  He could see tears in her eyes. He slid over and wiped her cheek with his thumb.  He felt badly for upsetting her.  “ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry”  He pulled her close to him and held her .  He could feel her whole body shuddering under the storm of emotion coming out of her, he felt helpless, as he tightened his arms around her.   Slowly and gently he started rocking her back and forth, and then started stroking her hair with his one hand, still holding her with the other.  “It’s ok luv........get it out ......that’s right.....go on” He rested his head against hers wishing he could fix it for her.   After awhile the sobs slowed, raising her head she wiped the tears with her fingers.  She smiled when he offered her his sleeve. “ It’s ok ya know....my housekeeper does my wash.”  With that she took his sleeve and laughed.  “There you go, your laughin.” “So much for keeping my composure tonight.” she smiled wearily “It’s ok I really didn’t think ya would and I didn’t come here to be entertained, I came as a friend, I want you to know, both you and Jules, that just because John left doesn’t mean I’m not a friend.  We’ve known each other a long time and I’m crazy about the little one.” looking into his eyes for the first time that day, she could see he meant it and it felt good to know.  He was still considering himself her friend. So many times when people got divorced the friends spilt up staying with one or the other person.  She knew under the circumstances that a friendship with her and John separately would be difficult for any of the three of them and their families.  Yet, Mo and Patti had told her not to worry they would remain the best of friends they always had been, which made her feel better.  Now, Paul was saying the same, thank God, she needed these people.  Who else would understand?  she had been so isolated by the fame , she really didn’t have to many people to count on.  “Thank you”  she said weakly “ I thought that wouldn’t be  possible with you guys workin together and all, it means a lot to me , ya know, when I was young  groin up in Hoylake, I would always dream about marriage, kids , a house the works. But I never in my wildest dreams thought my life would be like this......”  She motioned around the big house. “Never the money or the fame” waving her arms in defeat, she sank back into the couch against the arm. “Certainly not a divorce...” Paul gave her a sympathetic look and took her hand in his.  “I really don’t think anyone can really imagine how their life will turn, I mean I never thought I’d be a musician, not like this anyway....not this successful.  I thought I’d be married with a brewed of my own by now.......I think you just work forward with what ya got and appreciate it, make the most of it.  Of coarse that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for bad breaks in life.  Ya have to feel what you need to then go on with it.”  He looked at her gently and stroked her face wiping yet another tear from it.  “You do have a lot ya know and you have Jules, he is a treasure......ah Cyn, I wish I could take the pain away and fix it for you.”  They looked at each other for a moment and then she turned away,   getting up off the couch she picked up the same picture Paul had been looking at earlier. “I guess I forgot to pack this one. “ She let out a sigh “I knew things weren’t working out for us, I just never expected to walk into my kitchen and find Yoko....and wearing my dressing gown too!  Of course I threw that out.....It’s hard to accept is all.”  Paul went over to her; he tilted her head up looking right into her eyes sympathetically. “I don’t think you have to like it Cyn in order to accept it, yeah it’s daft what he did.....but you have to accept it, live with it .....Go on.”  She put the picture face down back on the mantle then looked back at him.  “What am I goanna do?”  He put his arms around her and drew her close to him holding her, she surrendered, defeated she laid her head against his shoulder, holding him, tightening her grip, he tightened his.  “ I miss having a man hold me like this, John, even when he was here, he didn’t hold me like this, not in the longest time. “  she sighed sinking more into his hold “there’s nothing like having a man hold you”  she rested in the safety of his arms aware of the strength ,smelling the scent of his aftershave mixed with tobacco, breathing it in, closing her eyes.  Yes, it felt so good having him hold her.  It felt safe, warm and after all these years she couldn’t ever remember him holding her, not like this. God, it felt so good.  Paul was a good man.  Sure he could be stubborn, self-centered and pushy but he could also be sweet, loving and understanding too.  The girls always loved him, he was gorgeous, with a smile that would melt you away.  She had seen his charms with many women, but now it was genuine.  She let him hold her listening to his breathing, feeling him stroking her hair, so peaceful, she was so tired and he felt so good.  My God, what was she thinking! She wiggled   out of his arms, looking at him, she was confused.  He looked puzzled not knowing what was going on. “What’s the matter Cyn?” “I don’t know......” she trailed off, her head was spinning, her body felt funny, what was going on. Paul caught her before she went down; he brought her over to the coach resting her gently and placed a pillow under her head.  He went off to the kitchen and brought her back something to drink   he handed it to her and she sipped it. He sat down next to her. “Cyn   you’re not taking care of yourself, Dot tells me you’re not eating right or sleeping well…. Go on drink up.” He looked worried   helping her sit up he lit two cigarettes and handed her one, he exhaled a cloud of smoke thinking about what just happened. “You feel better?”  She saw how worried he was and got herself together. “Yes, thank you   when did Dot tell you this?”  “Remember I told you, you didn’t sound very convincing?  Well before you came to answer I spoke to Dot and asked her, that’s when she told me.”  He sat there biting his lip,   finishing up his cigarette he put it out, and then looked back at her.  “Listen, you got to take care of yourself, can’t the packing wait?”   She starred back at him “It has to get done. John has most of his stuff, but the rest has to be packed and the house has been sold so I have to get this done, he isn’t goanna do it.”  “ So ya goanna kill yerself doin it then” She could hear frustration in his voice, the accent always got thicker with emotion.  “No....I mean ....come on Paul, It has to get done now.”  He got up , thinking , she watched him , he was so familiar to her , she knew when he got  agitated , frustration or worried he bit his lip or ran his hand through his hair and right now he was doing both.  After a few minutes of silence he found his way back to the coach, he didn’t like to see her this way, she needed to get away. “That’s it then” He said excited at the idea he just had.” You know my farm up in Scotland, I bought awhile back?”  She wasn’t sure where he was going with this but she did remember him mentioning it to them last year when he had gotten it. “Yes, you bought last year, a way to invest your money so the taxman didn’t get it you said” she chuckled a bit at the thought. He relaxed at seeing her laugh. “that’s it, well then maybe you and Jules should go up there for a little, You can get away , get yourself together, it’s quit nice up there.  I have horses and a stream that runs through the property. It’s just sittin there, Cor, Cyn, it would be great for you and Jules.  Hell, I’ll get movers to pack up the rest of this, you have to leave here anyway, everything can be put in storage that you don’t need.  Where were you going to stay from here anyway?” she looked a little overwhelmed as she answered him “my mums” he jumped back into his idea. “That’s all well and good but first take  a break, It is quite lovely up there, you need to find yourself again, you might even consider having Jules stay with your mum for a bit while you rest.”

“It’s tempting Paul, I don’t know if I’d leave Julian, he’s already lost his dad, I think it might scare him if I left him.” 

“Maybe your right, but I think you should go. I can drive you up and stay a few days, I ‘d have to rearrange some things at the office but I could get away and help you settle in.” she sat there thinking about what he was saying.  Could she really let him do all this for her?   What would people think especially her mom. It did sound so inviting, getting away from everything that reminded her of the past would be nice and she was so in need of a rest, so tired of this house and everything that went with it. “Ya know, that doesn’t sound half bad, but I don’t know” he could see the reservations she was having. “Com ead Cyn, don’t be daft, take me up on it. I’ll show you around, Jules will love it.  The   care takers wife could clean the place up and stock it with food and what ever you need. It will be great, help you heal, It’s been a while since he left, you need to do something to get on with it.”  She took awhile before she answered, thinking it through.  “I’ll have to tell mum and Dot. ........and .what will I tell everyone?” He started chuckling “Ya just tell em to sod off you’re a big girl now.” She rolled her eyes up and had to laugh.  He was right, it was her life! She was a grown women, she didn’t have to explain to anyone….well maybe her mom. She smiled and gave him a hug; it felt like a weight was lifted off her. “Thank you ....maybe your right. When would we leave?” Christ, he had gotten so caught up in the excitement he didn’t even think of that. Today was Monday and if he juggled things around. “Right…. pick you up Friday?” she looked up a little surprised. ”wow,…  that fast?”  He didn’t want to give to much time to let people talk her out of going, it would be tight but he knew he could do it. “right quick . We’ll go straight away Friday at 10:00am?” She nodded in agreement “we’ll be ready” he got up off the coach, smiling at the decision they made. “Great!!! Now let’s get you upstairs to bed I’ve got arrangements to make” he helped her up and grabbed his guitar, as they walked towards the door he stopped and put his hand on her shoulder. “Your not going to regret this….I promise.....I’ll pick you up at 10:00 am and we’ll be off.” she opened the door and kissed him goodbye on the check. “Thank you “ he smiled down at her. “ It’s always a pleasure helping a beauty. I’ll ring you, take care.”  She watched him leave then went upstairs.  She smiled as she turned off the light to go to sleep  He was right it had been a long time since John left getting away would be good for both her and Julian.

 

                                                                              Chapter two

 

                                               

 

 

          The next few days were busy packing, making arrangements for the furniture, letting everyone know she was going away.  Her mother, of coarse, wasn’t so sure this was a good idea but she hoped it would do her some good.  Paul picked them up Friday, sharp at ten.  Martha was in the back seat and couldn’t help giving Julian kisses when he got in with her.  The ride was long but enjoyable.  Paul had Julian singing with him, a song he always sang to the children in his family.  Cynthia joined in laughingly as they sang, Martha barked occasionally.  The top was down, it was well into summer and everything smelt so sweet, the grass, flowers and trees.  The warm sun beat down hard but the breeze from the car cooled them.  Soon the city was gone, the suburbs too.  The farms were spaced apart by expansions of green fields with horses and other animals lazily grazing.   There was a peace about the land.  They passed through small towns stopping for sandwiches, drinks and bathroom breaks.  Finally, after traveling for such a long time, they turned down a long dirt road.  Cynthia soon realized that it wasn’t a road but a long drive that ran through Paul’s property.  A small house was settled on the right.   He told her the house was for the care takers, Mr. and Mrs. Edwards.  Further down she saw a barn with horses fenced in.  It was a little run down, but not as bad as the house across from it.  The house was a nice size,  you  could tell it had once been beautiful before the years of  neglect took it. 

       Martha was the first out when they stopped, she stretched and relieved herself.  The rest got out of the car.  It felt good to get out after such a long drive.   Julian ran right for the horses, Paul followed him, while Cynthia looked around.  He picked up Julian then brought them into the house.  The living room was big, a fireplace made of brick set in the back wall.  On the right was a dining area closed off   by two heavy sliding doors, there were windows in front and sides of both rooms.   The walls were pale in need of paint, but with the windows allowing the light to shine in brightened it. Cynthia noticed there was hardly any furniture in either room, a small table and two chairs in the dining area. There stood a small old coach with a table in the living room, with an equally old rug trying to cover the worn wooden floors.  She went back into the large country kitchen; this room seemed to be in better condition.  She went to the back door, which had a top and a bottom to it. She opened the top of it, laughing at the fact that the bottom stayed closed.  Paul watched her amusement with the door.  “ I gather you have never seen one like that”  “ No , I rather fancy it though”  she then went over to open the window, as hard as she tried it would not move. Giving up she smiled at him “ Windows,  they’re  suppose to open ya know” He shrugged slightly embarrassed . “ I never tried opening it. I‘ve only been here a few times and I don’t need much........I suppose it needs some work then.”  He followed her up the stairs after checking that Julian was in the living room playing with the dog.  He watched her as she entered the master bedroom.  “  I see you did most of your entertaining in this room.” she winked at him as she flopped on the huge fluffy four  post bed.  The night stands and dresser matched it, all in a dark cherry wood, with a lamp on each.  In the corner was a Television with a stereo.  Paul opened the big walk in closet to hang his coat, he closed the door then sat down on the bed with her.  “Right.....I’ve brought some birds up here, one of them was Jane, she picked out the bed set when I bought the place, we didn’t have to use the other roomsreally.”  He chuckled...” I don’t think I want to hear this.”  She smiled then got up, walked down the hall to the other room  “ the guest room furnish then?”  She yelled back to him as he came out into the hall.  She walked in to see that although it wasn’t furnished as nice as his room it did have a nice bed, dresser and night stand. He walked in to see her looking around,. “Guess you didn’t entertain in here then .”  Paul was leaning against the door jam still thinking it funny that he never had really thought about this before. “Naw, No entertaining in here.”  “Good”  She went downstairs walking around the house again thinking and looking, she glanced over at Julian who was still playing with Martha but now he was trying to play horse with her and she wasn’t letting him get to far.  Paul followed her around.” What do you think?”   She turned from the fireplace to look at him. “Paul? Why didn’t you ever do anything with this?”  Spreading out her arms; gesturing to the whole house.  He looked puzzled  “I fancied the farm , but I’ve never seriously thought of doing anything with it. ‘I’ve always been so busy and really, like I said I don’t need much , I bring my guitar up and......” she quickly looked at him cutting him off “I don’t need to hear what comes after and.......It is a pity  though, this house could be something wonderful.”  Paul looked around trying to imagine what he would do with it if he ever got the chance to fix it up when Cynthia looked at him excitedly. “This is great!!! Paul?.....why don’t we do it?” he looked quizzical “I never really thought about doing it until now , and I really never have the proper time to put into it, I suppose I could hire someone .”  “

“No, listen , when John and I got Kentwood I wanted so to decorate it but then he got a bug on and Brian told him about this expensive decorator and he told him to go ahead, Well he didn’t even ask me and  well I never fought him on it. I watched for a year as these people put together my house I never wanted most of the things they did, it didn’t feel like my house. I did learn some from watching, you can do some things ......I bet we could get this place looking fab!  You have great taste look at Cavendish, it’s beautifully done...”  He cut her off” Most of that was Jane” she started pacing around the living room. “You still have good taste, some paint on the outside and on these walls, a sander to strip the floor then recoat it. Fix the windows .....I noticed an antique shop in town. I bet you could get some glass cupboards put in the wall in the kitchen. You could re wire the electrical system.”  Again he stopped her. ”I would get fried” she stopped and thought for a minute, maybe he was right. “ Right.....then hire someone for the electric and maybe the plumbing......We could do the rest, you have a care taker , I bet he knows some things.  I bet he could fix the doors on the barn. “ 

“ Oh right the barn doors  .... .I forgot about them, he’s been asking about that”

“ maybe , you could come up more often., then I could help you pick out some good furniture so the rest of the house matches your room.  You will love it.”  Now it was Paul’s turn to think, he could see how excited she was, he hadn’t seen her like this in a long time. “Paul, look. you said I need to move on and this would be gear.....I’d be busy doing something worth wild that I like and it will be therapeutic”

“You’d stay that long?  It will take awhile to do this.  what about Jules?”

“ He only has nursery school but three times a week and I could let him stay with mum those days, that is if you could come up a few days a week. I know you are busy and it is a long ride.  I want to do this but I don’t want to leave Julian with mum all week, I explained that to you all ready...........Please ???    Oh Please say it can be done.”

It would be tough to do, the album had been started for awhile, but they were almost done and there were still projects going on, business at the office and the ride alone. How could he say no, she looked so happy and it was his idea to come up.    He’d just have to figure some thing out.  Maybe he could just come on the weekends.  It would be rough but for a few months or so he could do it.    “I guess I could rework my schedule.......I ‘m not sure Jules could go with me every time I have a lot of work.  I think I could work a few holidays in. I could leave you the car to get around in.”  She was so excited “I could do plenty while you’re gone and I’ll work the rest out with mum.”   She could picture everything.  She’d be to busy to think in the day and to tired by night.  Paul gave her a look of surrender. “I guess I’m keen on the idea...Oh Bloody Hell, let’s do it!!!’ She got so overwhelmed she ran over jumping up on to him hugging him hard.  The unexpected weight of her tipped him against the wall.  The wave of excitement over took her with such force she hugged him again then kissed him.  He was   caught off guard; he returned her kiss without a thought even harder. She was so beautiful,   even more so in this state of excitement. The kiss became longer more enticing; nature took its course as she slide down his body back on to the floor.  The physical reaction was becoming stronger, like the kiss.  Breathlessly he pulled away from her, remembering who she was.  He put some space between them and took a minute to catch his breath.  She was doing the same, a little flushed and embarrassed knowing that she was the one who kissed him, then allowed it to go on, even more important she liked it.  She remembered what the girls he had been with would tell her ......his kisses are like heaven ......and it was true.  “ Sorry....I....I got carried away”  He looked over at her as he sat down on the coach.  He felt uncomfortable, the way he reacted to her, this was John’s X-wife!  He would have to play it down.  :”aww  no harm done, I think we both got a little carried away .  Next time instead of chatting a bird up I will just tell them they can decorate my house.”  He laughed breaking the tension and then laid back against the coach, his face quickly dismissed everything.  He was always good at hiding his feeling, he could be very unreadable and he was going to make sure he was now.  She was relieved that he was playing it down and then quickly changed the subject back to the house.  “Shall we make plans for the house?”  

“ We can go into town tomorrow and collect someone to do the plumbing and electric, get some supplies to do this house up right. What do you think?”

She looked at the window sills and door jams. “While they are doing the electric I can sand the sills and door jams get them ready to paint,  while your gone I can do a lot of painting , not a lot to know to painting a wall.”  Just then Julian walked over to them, looking crabby he whined “I’m hungry mummy” They looked at each other, Paul got up , came over to him and picked him up.  “Right, then off to town to fill up your tummy, we can talk more while we grab a bite.”

 

 

                                

 

 

     The next day they left Julian and Martha with Mrs. Edwards the care takers wife.  Paul explained to Mr. Edwards what he wanted to do with the place; he would try to be there as much as he could.                                     Mr. Edwards said it was about time, that he would do what needed to be done and he and his wife would make sure Cynthia felt at home during her stay.

              The ride into the small town took about 20 minutes.  The houses were spaced a good distance apart with a main street that held  a grocery store , bank , post office , drug and department store and right in the middle was an old brick building  were hardware and lumber were sold.  They walked in, the old man was very friendly saying hello and if they needed any help just to ask.  Paul took out the list of measurements and things they would need to pick up.  He smiled as he gave it to the man.  “Looks like your building a house”  “We’re rebuilding my farm, shaping it up a bit.  Do you know of any one that could do the plumbing and electric?”   The man gave it some thought, picked up a pen and wrote the number and name of two men then handed it to Paul.  “These blokes know their stuff?”   “Ring um up, You can use my phone.”  He motioned to the phone on the counter.   Paul phoned the two men and made the arrangements.    He found Cynthia in one of the aisles sporting a painter’s hat, he had to laugh at how funny but cute it looked.  She looked up then modeled it for him.  “Like it?”  Still laughing he said “Sure it’s the trend of the future fashion world, quick call Patti!”  She beamed from ear to ear at that, and then watched him put one on too.  “I’ll wear one too.”  She shook her head furiously still laughing. “ Don’t wear it to much you’ll lose that wonderful  thick hair of yours.”   He looked up confused. “ How’d you figure?”

“Well, I read some where about men wearing hats all the time lose their hair quicker then men that don’t”  He shook his head. “Don’t be daft.”  He took it off just in case .  They walked over to look at the paint catalog.  “  What color  should the house be ?”  She looked up from the book.  “I guess it was white at one time, now it looks more of a gray. So I guess white.”  “Paul, go for a different color, you push the barriers in music and art why not your house?”  He thought about it for a moment, raising his eyebrow he asked “purple?”  They both laughed at the thought of a purple house. “ I don’t think that extreme, a psychedelic  house, I think that would be a little to much.”   His face lit up as he seemed to have the answer. “ Well, the barn would be red of coarse. The house will be blue, like the sky .”   “ I think that’s fab!,”  They ordered the paint for the outside then decided on a color scheme for the inside and ordered that.  The old man said they’d deliver everything on Tuesday, which would be good since the plumber and electrician started on Monday.  They drove back to the house making plans on when they would do what.  Since, Paul wouldn’t be there much he gave the instruction to Cynthia to give to everyone.  He would be in touch often to see how things were going, coming up as much as possible.  He had to leave for London on Sunday, dropping Julian at Mrs. Powell’s.  Schedules had to be rearranged, there was much to do in the studio, and he would try to get back soon.  Mal would pick him up at the railway, this way Cynthia could have the car, and not be trapped on the farm. 

         Cynthia went to the care takers, to pick up Julian.  Mrs. Edwards was in her late fifties, short with graying brown hair.  She told wonderful stories of her younger days, how she met Mr. Edwards, offering tea and biscuits. Cyn was lost in her animation.   The stories, finally got around to Paul and how he needed a good women, who would straighten him up.  Both, Mr. And Mrs. Edwards found Cyn a delight and thought her perfect for Paul, having a child was a bonus; they all knew how well Paul got along with children.   Cynthia blushed as they both went on.  “Being a musician is hard enough, but Paul needs direction in the world, these little girls he brings up here are only of entertainment value, you see.”  She refilled Cynthia’s mug.  Mr. Edwards then looked over from his tool box that he had been going through.   “You have a good hold on that one; he never wanted to think about fixin up this mess before this little lassie came along.”  He looked back at his wife.  “Straight away,  he never had a care about it.  I see how you two look to each other.  There is luv bloomin there.”  She smiled a warm friendly smile as she took Cynthia’s hand.  “ He’ll be good to you child.  I’ve seen it before, he loves ya.  He might not say it yet, but heed me words he will.  The boy loves him, is all he talks about, not much about his father though.  A boy needs lots of his father’s eye ya know.”   Cynthia shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  “ He sees his dad just not as much as he has seen Paul is all.  I don’t think Paul loves me in the way you think.  He has known me for years and cares about both of us as friends.”  Mrs. Edwards shook her head “No child, I have seen the look before, tell her Ross …. I know, I have predicted it before in other young ones.  You mark my words, the two of you aren’t comin out with it yet but it is there.”  A satisfying grin crossed her face, as she got up and cleared the dishes. “Any time you need us to watch the wee one just tell us, we love children and he is such a good boy he is.”  Cynthia thanked them, got Julian and went looking for Paul.  She decided not to tell him what the Edwards had said to her.                                                                                     

                Finally, she found him sitting cross leg in the grass, looking up at the sky.  She noticed him putting some thing in his cigarette pack, then lay back with his head on his hands.  She stood looking down at him, seeing the stupid grin on his face she realized what he stashed in his pack.  “Stashing it in with the ciggies then ?”  The look was one of innocence and then the grin got bigger making him look like a little boy who had been caught.  “Didn’t think you’d be so soon.” He laughed a little more then usual.  Cynthia was used to this, but it didn’t make her like it any better. “Hmmmmm……..I see……you’re whacked!”    He laughed even harder; tears ran from his eyes as he struggled to get out his words. “yup mum , I am.”  Julian started laughing too, just because Paul was then dove on him.   He raised Julian up over his head.  “Where you good for Mrs. Edwards Jules?”  He placed him on his stomach still smiling, Cynthia sat down next to them .  “Yup, we made cookies and I ate some.”  Paul put on a pout “and none for me then?”  Julian started squealing, trying to answer the question but being tickled at the same time.  “Nope, ate them!”  The grass felt cool and relaxing, so Cynthia lay back too.  Julian slid off of Paul and then took his toy cars out of his pocket and began to play with them.  She turned resting on her elbow looking at Paul.  “I’ll make some thing to eat in a bit of awhile, I know you’ll be hungry…...”  She stopped to consider what he had done.  She had always hated the fact that drugs were used by all the Beatles and that John used them at home.  He never did it right in front of the child, but the effects were there, all she could do was thank God that Julian was too young to know what he was doing. It really wasn’t her place to tell Paul what to do, but she wouldn’t have it in front of her son anymore. “I hope you won’t do that in front of Julian, I think he’s seen enough of that sort of stuff.”   He lay there relaxing enjoying the euphoric feeling he had; his stomach rumbled as he listened to what she said “Ya know I am kinda famished” He was a little slowed down by the effect of the pot. He looked over at her when what she had said started to register. “ I wouldn’t do anything of the sort in front of him . I didn’t know you two would come looking for me.  I didn’t have much.”  He gave her another smile of innocence. Paul watched the boy play for awhile, remembering how he used to play as a child.  Children could just block out the world, they didn’t need anything to block out distractions like using Pot did.  He became aware that Cynthia was looking at him and turned over to look back at her.  “ I was looking at the clouds , just needed to get away for a bit.”   She let out a long sigh. “ I’m  sorry, I have no right…..I’m sorry.”  He pulled her back down, to look up at the sky. “ah , just lay down here and look at the clouds.”  He pointed to one “That one looks like an old man.”  She laughed and pointed to another one. “That one looks like a lobster.”  Paul rolled over laughing hysterically. “aaaa lobster?”   She shoved him , then pointed it out. “oh sod off….look …..look.”  She tried to get through to him but all he could do was laugh.  He tried to stop, apologizing; he followed the direction of her finger pointing at the cloud in question.  “There’s the claw and the tail.”  Finally, he quieted down. “ok luv, I see it, I do….you’re the one that’s stoned.”  She made a face at him “You wanker!” she giggled “I’m putting up some food .  comin?”   He laid his head back on his hands as she got up. “Com ead Julian.” 

“Naw… I’ll be up soon, goanna watch the lobster.”  He chuckled, she started to take Julian up to the house, yelling back to him.  “ half an hour  ok?”  “ Ok” he yelled back. 

                Cynthia had made a wonderful dinner; Paul helped clean up while Julian watched television up in the bedroom. He sat down absently strumming his guitar while thinking.  He had noticed such a change in her since being up at the farm.  The past two days she was happy, a big difference from last week, he wondered if she had even thought of John, only time would tell.  He had to go back to London tomorrow for early meetings Monday and Tuesday about the direction of Apple.  Then on Wednesday there was more work with the other three Beatles to finish up the album.  He hated to leave; he was enjoying his time with them.  There was a certain illusion of family life with them. He knew they weren’t his family, but it felt so nice, a feeling he hadn’t had since his childhood, a feeling he had longed for.  He had always wanted a family and with Jane he thought maybe it would happen, but they both had different dreams and ended up growing apart.  The one night stands where exciting, especially since there were no strings attached.  He could move through the night life as he pleased, from one stranger to another.  Some times he’d even forget the names of the faces he had been with.  Sometimes he would let women crash at his place for awhile, temporarily playing house, hoping to win him over, only to be asked to leave when he became bored with them.  Right now it was Sandy who sat at his house waiting for him, never questioning him of his comings and goings.  She was like all the rest, hanging out, willingly doing anything to please him.  Yes, she would have to go; he had been planning on it but hadn’t gotten around to it yet.   He’d be up at the farm more now with the renovations going on and when he wasn’t he’d be at the studio or the office.  He hated to admit it but he found himself feeling very attracted to Cynthia.  He had always loved to play with Julian, he was a good kid and John was lucky to have him, although he didn’t think John realized it.

                Cynthia was starring at him wondering what had him so far away.  Finally, she walked over, gently,   she place her hand on his shoulder.  “Paul?”  He jumped coming back into reality, still in the transition of coming back from a dream state he looked up at her “What?”

“You’re a million miles away luv, what’s a bloke like you thinking so seriously about?”

He readjusted himself laying his guitar against the coach.  He was slightly embarrassed at his thoughts of her, so he let all expression leave his face and just smiled up at her.  She knew by this look on his face he wasn’t going to tell her. “Nothing for you to worry about, I’m goanna take a walk, I’ll be back later. I won’t be long. Com ead Martha.”  He smiled as Martha scrambled out the door with him.  She wondered if he was going out to finish the joint he didn’t have the chance to before.  Well, it wasn’t her concern about whether he did or not.  Julian was tired and she had to tend to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                      CHAPTER THREE

 

 

 

               

 

                Paul had gone back to London, dropping Julian off on the way at Mrs. Powell’s.   When he got home he managed to get Sandy packed and out of his life, not before bedding her one last time.  He knew that wasn’t the right thing to do just before telling her to leave but he had an urge to take care of.  He found himself thinking about Cynthia while he was with Sandy and he had held that urge for a few days so why not.  Over the next few days he had his meetings, keeping himself as busy as he could. He just could not stop thinking of her.  He tried to push it away but the thoughts would come back.  He couldn’t understand this new obsession with her.

                Wednesday afternoon was a typical rainy London day.  He got to Apple at two; the studio session didn’t start   until three.  He put his umbrella up with his mac and then went to check with the secretary and get his mail.  He walked up the stairs slowly going through it, not noticing the two figures sitting on the bench in the hall way.   Dressed the same, even down to the sneakers sat John and Yoko.  “Hullo Paul.”  He looked up to see Yoko leaning against John.  Paul noticed they were a little if not more, high.  They had been taken by heroin and their use of it was growing.  Everyone was concerned, they all had tried to talk to John about it, and he just wouldn’t hear it.  Besides, trying to get John alone was hard, he had to have Yoko everywhere.   He said they were in love and wanted to share everything with each other.  When Ringo asked about it the answer he got was that when he went home to tell Mo about his day it would be maybe two sentences, where he and Yoko knew because they shared everything together.   This caused a great strain on the other three; they weren’t used to having someone else at their sessions.  They no longer had John to themselves,.  This was very distracting to them, any idea not only got run by John but now Yoko too.  Then she would voice her very unwanted opinions, that the others were forced to listen to.  They loved John and didn’t want to hurt him and tried not to when at all possible.  Slowly, he answered them.  “Hullo John ….Yoko.” and then started to walk towards the studio, John quickly called to him.  “Paulie, would ya com ere.”    Paul turned around; walking back he gave them his attention.  The look on Johns face told him he didn’t want to hear what he was going to say.   “I hear you’re shagging me X-wife now up at your farm there.  Typical bloody McCartney move, knowin she’s vulnerable.  Taken her up there to woo her eh?”  He knew John was looking for a rise from him and he really wasn’t in the mood for it.  He quietly spoke. “I haven’t been shaggin her and it is really none of your concern anymore is it?”  Yoko at that point decided to put her two cents in “Oh Paul, I think it’s great. You need some one like her, ya know , settled in life.”  She smiled

“Don’t think you’re my son’s dad now either” John piped in.  Paul look confused for a moment, then looked at John in a brotherly way.  He didn’t want John to worry about that and obviously he was, but it was just like John to hide behind accusations to get his point across.  “I’ll never be his dad John, you are, and you don’t have to worry about that.  Even if some thing did happen between Cyn and me.”  John’s face softened. Much to Paul’s relief; the last thing he wanted was more stress between them.  “Ya know, it won’t bother me if you do get together .”  John laughed then continued “But you are getting sloppy seconds there.”  Now he and Yoko were both laughing, Paul just shook his head , he wasn’t going to get into this anymore, John would just tear him apart in this mood.  “John this isn’t worth the bother,  I’m going to the studio; Yoko nice to see you again.” With that he turned and walked down towards the studio, where George and Ringo were sitting talking.   They looked up when he walked in.  George was helping Ringo put new heads on his drum set. “ I suppose Yoko will be here again for the session.” He said to both of them.  They grimaced at the thought, Ringo looked up.  “They’re staying at my flat, there’re wrecked most of the time.  I’m really worried about John; he’s in over his head. “ George got up he started to fiddle with the equipment.  “He’s gotten so thin.  We’ve all tried talking to him but he won’t hear us.  Even George Martin is getting upset at this whole thing.”  Paul went over by George watching what he was doing .”I guess we just have to wait it out, I just got some sunshine from them.”  George looked up at Paul.  Ringo got up to hear what Paul had to say. Paul looked dismayed as he explained the encounter to them.  They listened carefully; when he was done they just had to laugh.  They all knew Paul’s reputation and were concerned for Cynthia. George decided he would voice his opinion in joke form.  “Paul with your reputation it’s no wonder he’s questioning you.” Ringo knelt down next to both of them and decided to voice his concerns as well. He and Mo had just been talking about it last night and they were both very worried about Cynthia staying up at Paul’s farm. 

“Mo, told me about it, she was concerned too.  If it happens you better not hurt her.  I think John did enough of that.”   Paul sat down at the piano; he hit a few chords helping him think about what they were saying.  The others just stared waiting for a reaction.  “I don’t know what’s happening to tell you the truth, we’re going to fix up the farm so she’s staying for a few months and she’s happy …ya know, like I haven’t seen her in a while.”  George was going to make sure Paul understood what could happen.  They all knew he always had a soft spot for Cynthia.  Some times they would catch him looking at her a little to long, John had even notice, especially in the early days, but towards the end John just didn’t seem to care anymore. Now that he just told them she was going to be spending a few months up there it would give him amble time to give in and act on his feelings. “Look Paul,  all Patti and I are concerned about is that she is happy.  But like Mo and Ritchie we don’t want to see her hurt again. We’ve always known you’ve been a little soft on her . “ Paul looked surprised at the last part of what George said.  He just brushed it away, not wanting to get into it especially with John just down the hall.  “Well, don’t worry so much then, your all turning into mother hens now.” They heard voices coming down the hall, so they dropped it .  They had conveyed their concerns to him and that’s all they wanted to do.   They began joking around to lighten things up before they had to get to work.

 

 

 

                                                                                CHAPTER FOUR

 

 

 

                The week had gone by fast for Cynthia.  The electrician and plumber had started working long hours to get things done as fast as possible.  Brain had always said get the best money can buy, give them a little more and you will get a good job done faster.   Paul learned this from Brian, all of them had, but Paul seemed to put it more into effect. 

                By Friday, with the help of Mr. Edwards, a lot had been done.   The barn had been painted and the doors fixed.  The Edwards and Cynthia enjoyed each others company and true to their word they made her feel at home.  During the day they worked together talking and joking. By the time they would finish Mrs. Edwards had a hot meal waiting for them.  She would stay for awhile help clean up and listen to the stories the older women had to tell.  The couple was warm and loving, it was always there, even if she were scolding him you could feel the love they had for one another.      Some time during the evening the subject always seemed to turn to how good she was for   Paul.  They both told her that sooner or later she and Paul would give in to the love that had been there longer then either of them had known.   Cynthia would just listen knowing that there was no use saying anything; besides, she too had realized how much she was thinking of him.  She spoke to him a few times during the week telling him what was going on listening to what he was doing.  When she got off the phone she would feel a glow in her that had been missing for so long.  She also called Julian every night she missed him so much, the only thing she hated was the third degree she got from her mother.  No she didn’t know how long she was going to be up there.  She needed this time it was doing her good.  Her mother would sigh and tell her she hope it was and then talk of other things.  

                At 5:00 she pulled up at the railway and parked the car.  She got out excited at seeing not only Julian but Paul too.  She walked quickly to where the train was looking through the crowd for them.  Her eyes fixed on Paul lugging two suitcases with Julian in tow.  Running she picked up Julian.  “Mummy!!!!!”

She hugged him tightly to her laughing and kissing him.   “Oh mummy missed you so.”   Paul stood there smiling as he watched.  He noticed how pretty she was in a cotton sundress with sandals, her hair tied loosely back with a scarf.  He couldn’t take his eyes off of her and in the back of his mind he could hear John’s   voice from Wednesday, accusing him of wanting her.   He pushed it out of his mind then put the luggage into the boot of the car.   She walked over to the car still holding Julian and gave Paul a smile.  “Hi, how was your trip?”  He closed up the boot then looked up.   “Long, I’m half starved and knackered. Let’s get back to the farm, can you drive?”   They got in to the car, half way home she noticed she was talking and he had fallen asleep along with Julian.  Boy they must be exhausted.  She woke them when they got back.  Julian only needed that small nap to recharge and off he went to the barn.   Paul staggered to get the luggage, God was he tired; he hoped he could get used to this. He had done it for so many years on tour, how did he survive it? He’d just have to get used to it again. He looked up to see a brand new barn or so it looked all finished.  Cynthia came over and looked at the barn too.   “ It looks gear doesn’t it?  The doors are fixed it looks new.”    He walked over to it.  “It looks great.”  “ I took the horses out and found the stream you told me about it is so lovely here. “ he smiled at her as he listened intently.  “I think the brown and white horse is my favorite.  She is so sweet.”  Julian now started begging for their attention, he stood in between them pulling on his mom’s dress.  “I’m hungry mummy.”  “Ok , let’s go get some food.”  He ran into the house with the two of them trailing behind.    Paul picked up the luggage and brought it up stairs.   Cynthia heard him yell some thing but couldn’t tell what it was; she figured she would see what it was after she finished putting up dinner.  Julian came in the kitchen along with Martha.  “Julian you have to take Martha out of the kitchen I am making dinner and I don’t want dog fur in it.”  He frowned at this “ I just wanted to talk to you.”  She turned to him “that‘s all well and good but the dog has to get out of the kitchen ok?”  “come on Martha”  He led the dog out of the kitchen , then came running back in .  Much to Cynthia’s dismay so did the dog.  “Look Julian ….put the dog out!”    “mum I tried to but she loves me and keeps following me.”   Cynthia walked over to the back door and opened it .   “Ok girl out you go.”  Slowly and with a push from Julian she went.  “I don’t think that made her happy.”  “Well it made me happy.  So tell me what you did all week.”  Julian filled her in on what he did while she made dinner.  Dinner was about done, so she sent Julian off to wash up and ran up stairs to get Paul.

                The shower woke him up. That’s exactly what he needed after that long trip.  He was looking forward to a day or two of rest and the company of Cynthia and Jules.  He rapped a towel around him and with another   towel dried his hair.   He walked out to the bedroom to get dressed when he collided with Cynthia.  “oh sorry.”  He looked up to see a rather shocked look on her face.  “No ….um I’m sorry, I didn’t know you showered.”  She looked down quite embarrassed at what she had walked into, but at the same time managed to get a quick peek at him.  He grabbed his robe and casually put it on.  “I yelled down to you that I was going to take a shower to wake up a bit.  Never mind, what did you want?”  He could see her blush as she looked up at him.  “I just wanted to tell you to come down for dinner.”   He opened the closet grabbing some clothes out of it.  “Are you going to change now?” Cynthia‘s voice squeaked with embarrassment.  He looked over to her raising his eyebrow.  “Well yes I would like to.  You can stay if you like.”   She blushed even more as she moved to the door. “aaa ….no I think I’ll put dinner on.”  He laughed as she crept out of the room, almost running down the stairs. 

                She leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs for what seemed to be along time thinking about what had just happened.  It embarrassed her at the time but now it seemed to excite her.  “My God he is some thing.”  She startled herself as she heard the words come out of her mouth.  She slowly walked to the kitchen thinking about how much she wanted to touch him.  No not just touch him; run her hands all over his beautiful body it confused her. What was happening here? She came out of her day dream when Julian came up to her.  “Is Paul coming down for dinner?  Do you want me to get him?”  “No  I told him .”  She quickly changed the subject to him helping her set the table.

                At dinner Paul suggested they take the horses out tomorrow in the afternoon after getting the fixtures for the bathroom, he could put them in later.  They’d take a picnic lunch by the stream.   He needed to relax and that would be the perfect way to do it.   He could see her get excited at the idea.  She felt like a kid again, she had so much energy, she didn’t understand what was happening but whatever it was felt so good.

                Later that night she got a tired Julian snuggled down to bed.  She walked out on to the porch following the sound of the guitar.  She watched as Paul sat on the steps playing.  He stopped when he realized    he was no longer alone.  “He’s in bed then?”  “Yes, he was so tired he was falling asleep in the bath.” She laughed as she sat down a long side of him.  “What was that you were playing? It sounds so pretty.”  He thought for a minute then started playing it.  When he sang it he looked at her.  Their eyes locked as he sang; there was a bond that was so intense both of them could feel it.  When he was finished he looked away and lit a cigarette.  He offered her one and she took it, both silent for a moment.  “That was really beautiful what is it?”  He looked down as he took a drag from his cigarette.” Well, as you could tell I haven’t finished it yet, so I’m not sure.”  “Are you writing it for anyone?”  On that he didn’t answer right away trying to figure out what to say.  He was writing it for her and didn’t know how she would react if he told her.   “I…um…..I’ve been writing it the last few days actually.” She smiled at him. “I didn’t ask you that.”  He thought for another minute, the only way he would know her reaction was to tell her after all she wanted to know.  He started slowly stumbling for a minute looking for the courage to go on.  “Right ….I a….. I wrote it with you in mind.” There he got it out; he looked at her smiling nervously waiting to see what she would think of his confession.  He felt almost like a school boy with his first crush.  He hadn’t felt like that in years.  He never had problems pullin birds.  Yet, he wasn’t pullin her and she wasn’t just a bird.  She smiled thinking about the song, the words, how she was feeling and what Mr. and Mrs. Edwards had said. “Paul, I don’t know what to say…..”  She watched him fiddling with his cigarette.  It must be hard for a guy to admit his feelings for a girl, especially Paul who never had to.  They threw themselves at him.  Now he was so quiet, a littleembarrassed.  “Well fancy that … girls all over the world want Paul McCartney to write them a love song.  How did I get so lucky?”  She figured she’d let him keep up the confession, see if he was sincere.  He took a deep breath. “You’re not just some bird that I’m pullin Cyn.”  He started biting his lip.  She had only seen this side of him a few times.  Usually, he was confident, self assured and now just like a school boy fumbling for the right words.  “I like this side of you.”  He looked up unsure what she was getting at.  “What side of me?”  “The unsure side….you always know what to do or say, this is rare. I’ve only seen it a few times in the past years.”  Now she could see his frustration starting to build up. Her own feelings were whirling around, how did this happen after all these years? She was too nervous to tell him how she felt at that moment; but she knew she had to say something.  “The verse that you have is so lovely. I’m flattered.  How will you finish it?” Oh that was great she laughed to herself , she was flirting with him , now the ball was in his court and she figured she would see how it played out. He relaxed a little and took a final drag of his cigarette then threw it on the ground.  He picked up his guitar and started picking some chords, after about five minutes he started playing the song again.  Towards the end of the song he stopped for a minute thought then finished it.  He put down the guitar then looked back up at Cynthia who was grinning.  Her face was lit up with tears streaming down her face.  He looked almost amused by this.  “How can you be smiling and crying at the same time?”  He laughed.  She wiped her eyes. “I’m happy, confused, just down right filled with emotion I guess….. The words are so lovely.” The walls came crashing down allowing her true feelings to surface.  When she had heard the rest of the song the words told her how he really felt. She took her hand gently placing it on his head, lightly running her finger through his hair.  “Those words just came out of here?  Just now?”  She ran her hand down the side of his face.  He took it and held it in his. “Yes, well… They’ve been there for along time, I’m just now listening to them”  She looked deeply into his eyes. “You’re so talented.” Trailing off “so beautiful.”  She looked down not knowing if she should go on but then he gently spoke.  “Cyn, I know this is strange but I can’t stop thinking about you… I mean I try.  I know I probably shouldn’t, you being John’s X-wife and all but I can’t stop my self.”  She didn’t know what to do; she looked back at him then away thinking.  My God is this really happening? There was no denying it any longer for either one of them.“ I know….. I feel it too, I just don’t understand it.  I’ve known you for so long and all of a sudden my feelings seem to be changing.”  She was so conscious of him holding her hand; it felt like electricity was going through it.  Her heart was racing, she felt like a school girl herself.  He got up, pulling her up with him.  He took her other hand and pulled her tightly against him.  His arms slid around her, hers around him.  They were so close, then he kissed her, lightly at first then stronger, harder more urgently.  His heart was racing with excitement at finally kissing her finally holding her; he pulled her up even closer fitting her into his body.  His hands ran over her back down to her bottom drawing her up leaving no space at all between them.  He could feel his heart and hers pounding as he kissed a trail down her neck then up again  over her face and back to her mouth.  She moaned as she felt him grow hard against her.  She couldn’t think, she wasn’t aware of anything but him, his touch, his lips and his body..  She touched him, wanting to feel every part that she had craved earlier.  His breathing was hard and faster, she wasn’t the only one that was being driven to madness.  Finally, she pulled away breathless, panting.  “Let’s go inside.”  He scooped her up in his arms and took her upstairs to the bedroom.  He laid her gently on the bed then closed the bedroom door.  He lay down along side her gently stroking her long lustrous hair, God she felt so good. Everything inside him racing, he wanted her, not just sexually but in everyway.  He felt the need to make love to her, to have her, it was so strong it shook him.  He had to be sure that this was truly what she wanted. Not some rebound love, but to be with him, the way he wanted to be with her.  He stopped, looking at her he sighed trying to control himself.  “Are you sure this is what you want?…..I mean us luv, not just a roll in the hay.”  Things had gotten so heated.  He just didn’t want to hurt her, make things worse.  She thought for a minute, she didn’t know if she could speak.  She did know that she wanted him, all of him,  to give herself to this man she had known for so long.   This wasn’t just a roll in the hay; that was the mistake she had made with magic Alex.  Paul was different, she wanted him to take her to make her his.  Shaking from excitement she nodded yes; then pulled him to her, kissing him feverishly.  She was on fire, the need so strong for both of them.  She drowned in his kisses as he unzipped her dress. She got up off the bed with him, they started kissing again as he slid her dress down over her shoulders, lightly touching her skin, down her arms until it dropped to the floor.  He sat down on the bed, watching as she stepped out of her dress, slip and shoes.  Slowly, one strap at a time her bra came off.  She stood there looking at his face as he eyed her body.  His hungry stare roved over every inch of her.  Finally, she wiggled her panties down.  She looked again to see his wanting but yet adoring gaze.  Slowly, she came towards him; she slid his hands around her bottom.  She unbuttoned his shirt then to his amazement franticly pulled it off.  She dropped it to the floor and pulled his shoes and socks off.  This got a laugh from him, with a devilish smile she looked up at him.  “Take off your pants, your shorts too.”  With that he laughed more and got up taking them off as quickly as he could.  “Well he is well practiced at this.”  She thought of his swiftness on taking off his bottoms.  She pushed him down and straddled him.  He smiled as she did that then pulled her down against him smothering her with kisses.  He explored her mouth deepening their kiss.  He could feel her rub against him faster then harder til he moaned with pleasure.  He was so hard and felt so good, his body and hers naked against each other.  “ahhh…Paul, you feel so good…so good.”  His hands slid over her , back down then up again sending her further in to a fury.  He rolled her over onto her side while still in a deep kiss.  He ran his hand down her waist to her thighs.  Slowly he slipped it between them.  “mmmmm…… so wet “  his husky voice whispered in to her ear; that sent chills up her spine, her back arched as she opened herself to his touch.  It felt so good, she didn’t’ know how long she’d last.  His mouth found her breast, kissing it, then taking his tongue he circled her nipple, licking it , then sucking it.  He started moving his fingers slowly rubbing the spot that made her body come alive.  Under his touch everything was being washed away, cleansed and reborn.  She felt herself starting to give way.  She couldn’t think anymore her hand automatically went to his hardness and she heard him moan.  Firm and ready, she stroked it, going along with the movement he was doing with her.   Her head drifted in to the clouds spinning out of control, closer to the pointed she desperately needed to get to.  He felt her getting closer, moving quicker and harder he brought her to explosion.  Her body convulsed with such intensity that when it was over he had to hold her shaking body.  She calmed down after a few minutes, never had she reached such a fury as she had just now, and she wanted more.  She looked at him; he was so hard so ready.  He kissed her with such desire she knew it wouldn’t be long until he was in her.  He laid her back down, her legs rapped around him.  When he entered her she gasped.  She felt him go in her gently and slowly. It felt so good having him inside her.  He kissed her as they started a rhythm   His thrusts came harder and faster after a while he stopped.  She wiggled trying to bring him further into her again but all he did was kiss her and whispered; waiting just a minute to calm down. When he finally did start up he heard her cry out.  He brought himself down to her, whispering in to her ear “Your so beautiful , you feel so good.”   She stroked his face, looking at how beautiful he was, how good he was.  He started faster and her head swam with a current that rocked her body.  She watched him as he got closer and felt her body do the same. His body tensed, she saw the sweat drip off him.  Then the flood gates opened he cried out from the release that overwhelmed him, bringing her along with him, until it was over.  He lay on her for a moment, and then rolled off.  Both of them spent from the passion they had felt.  He kissed her gently after a few minutes still breathing heavy, he tried to calm down.  She snuggled up into his arms.  “That was so wonderful.”  He squeezed her “I have never felt like that.”  He smiled at her “What do you mean?”  She rolled over to look at him, waiting for an answer.  “Well the emotion the intensity, I just never felt some thing that strong.”  She knew right away what he meant. “I know, with John it was great, but with you, you’re so loving so gentle…..so different you were, well…..  let’s just say you didn’t disappoint me.”  She laughed “You thought I’d disappoint you?  With my reputation that everyone is so fond of reminding me about.”  He smiled and looked down at her then kissed her forehead.  “Cyn?  Do you have any regrets? I mean this happened very quickly.”  He felt her body next to his; it felt so natural, so good he knew he had no regrets. “No, I don’t, I always heard from Jane how wonderful being with you was. I have to admit she was right, no I think it was good for me.  I didn’t think of John at all I was totally with you.  I was always afraid that when I did make love to someone else he’d be there in my mind.  This was so natural to me. I had been fighting it. When I kissed you that day the electricity, my whole body became alive again; your response to it let me know I’m still attractive. I don’t know if you understand what I mean.”     “I know exactly what you mean you became aware that you still are a desirable women, and you are.  I always thought so, I thought John was so lucky and I had hoped one day I’d find that in some one.  I never allowed myself to think of you in any way except as John’s wife and my friend, but I always found you attractive.”   She smiled to herself, she felt at peace, some thing she hadn’t felt in a long time.   They were quiet for a while, touching each other kissing a bit lost in their own thoughts.  “Paul?’  “hmmm?”

“I want to make love to you again.”  He laughed. “ Oh luv, I do too but it’s goanna take me a little bit  here.  Let’s just relax and see what happens.”  She wandered off thinking. “Ya know yo’rer so good with kids. John just never could get it with Julian.  He never changed the dirty nappies or took care of him. I mean sure he’d read to him or make up stories but he never just got down and played with him.  He seemed afraid there was no solid connection. I know it bothered him but he never did any thing about it.”  Paul thought about the times when John would talk to him about it. He was often frustrated at his faults of fatherhood.  “Yeah , he’d talk to me about it .  He never had that as a kid and was never around it like I                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            was. I have so many children in my family, uncles and my dad played with us. Now I have a five year old step sister.  She’s a cutie that one is.  So sweet you can’t resist her.”  She brought him back from his drifting thoughts. “ you said you want children, how many?”   He sighed then turned on his side looking at her.  “Doesn’t matter ya know I just want them, as long as it’s more then one.  It’s to lonely being an only child. That was another one of John’s troubles he never had any one but himself.  It’s much more fun having a brother or sister or both.  I’d like a boy of coarse but I’d also love a little girl, daddy’s girl I guess, yeah I rather fancy that.”

“Daddy’s girl huh, she’d have your big brown eyes, she’d be a beauty.  I’d love to have more with a bloke who’d appreciate them and share in taking care of them.”  He stroked her face; looking gently in to her eyes he kissed her, tenderly and sweetly.  She didn’t want him to stop, she felt herself melting in to him.  He didn’t stop, to her surprise they ended up making love again. This time it was much slower and gentler, all he wanted to do was let her know how much he cared. To her it was like a dream, she couldn’t believe it was happening; the only thing was she was afraid to wake and find it was only a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                  CHAPTER FIVE

 

 

 

 

 

                The morning sun shone in the room waking Cynthia up from a very blissful sleep.  When she was fully awake she jumped up and gathered her clothes in her hands.  She looked at Paul sleeping so peaceful, she just wanted to stay there with him, but Julian, she thought, he’d wake up soon and she had to be there for him.  She didn’t want to confuse him, she didn’t even know where things were going with Paul and until she did it was better for Julian if he didn’t know.  She crept into the room, good he was still asleep.  Carefully without waking him she changed and crawled into bed.

                A few hours later she was up making breakfast for her little son.  Her mind was still on last night as she got Julian and herself ready for the day.  Paul got up about ten and came down in his robe.  He found Julian playing with his toys on the floor, then went towards the kitchen to find Cynthia.  He watched her do the dishes for a moment as he thought back to the night before.  Never had he felt such closeness to a woman, and last night if anything; told him he couldn’t deny his feeling any longer.  He went behind her, sliding his arms around her waist, then kissed her on the neck.  “Good morning, still no regrets?”

She tuned off the water, wiping her hands she turned around to him and returned the kiss.  “No, I do think we shouldn’t be …..um…..anything but  friendly around Julian though.”  His face looked questionably at her.  “Jules, why?  I thought after last night……..  “  a defensive voice came next. “ Well it wasn’t just sex to me ya know.  This was totally different.”   She couldn’t understand the hurt he was feeling. “I know that I just don’t know where this is going or what this is.”  He took his arms from her and leaned against the wall. He looked like someone had punched him in thegut.  His face quickly masked the hurt he was feeling. “Oh, I guess maybe your right” With that he walked out, she could feel the coldness of his mood.   Oh God I know where this is going she thought out loud.   This felt all to familiar to her, with John she was quiet, obedient to his whims, never finding the strength to defy him and later on when she did it was just to late. To much space had grown between them, he was too used to getting his own way. That wasn’t going to be the case this time she was going to speak her mind.  The shower was running as she marched into the bathroom with her new found courage.  “Paul we need to talk!”   Surprised that she was in there he peeked out from the shower curtain, soap dripped on the floor from his hair.  “Can’t this wait til I’m out of the shower?”  Suddenly, reality hit her and she could feel her face flush with embarrassment at her impulsiveness.  “Oh …..yeah sure, just tell me when your done.”  She backed out and closed the door.  Well that was a good start she giggled to herself at the sight of poor Paul shocked and dripping wet.  She picked up the phone and dialed Maureen.  She needed someone who knew her well enough to help her sort through this, help her calm down.  There was so much happening at once and so fast she needed to be grounded.  Maureen had always been there for her and helped her sort things out.

“Hi Mo?  It’s Cyn.”

“Cyn, How are you? Cor, I thought you were lost to us.  What are you doing with Paul up at his farm?”

“Well I am helping fix the place up It’s been neglected so long it looks like a rubbish bin here.  It will take awhile to fix it up.”

“  Oh …..Well rumor has it you and Paul are….. um…. Together?  He threw that Sandy bird out of the house and wasn’t with anyone else while he was back here.  Ritchie said Paul had words with John over it”

“What? Paul didn’t say anything to me about that or about Sandy”

“Of coarse he wouldn’t; he can be a gentlemen sometimes you silly git.  Tell us what is up?”

Cynthia needed to tell someone and isn’t that the reason she had rang Mo in the first place. She was silent for a minute, then taking a deep breath decided to dive in. She filled her in on how she was feeling and everything that led up to the night before.

“Last night was the first time we were together. We didn’t expect it. It just happened and it was wonderful.  He was sweet and gentle so loving I had missed that so much!”

“Wow, our girl is on her second Beatle. Now, fancy that.”  She heard Mo laugh, but it wasn’t like that; she thought.

“Oh com ead I never expected it. It just happened.”

“Oh really now, come off it Cyn, Paul has always had some thin for ya.  We all new it and were waiting to see what he’d do about it after your marriage was through.”

“You think he always had feelings for me?”

“Sure; don’t be so thick luv even John noticed it at times, he just knew Paul would never act on it or that maybe he didn’t realize it himself.  John told Paul the other day to go ahead with his blessing that’s was Ritchie said.”

“Well that was bloody nice of him! Really, he can be such a bloody idiot some times.  John isn’t the reason I called though. I don’t know what is going on.  I have to talk to him about it.  I think I hurt his feelings. I told him nothing but friends around Julian and he got rather upset. Then all of a sudden I couldn’t read him anymore. You know how he gets that phi sod. The walls go up and then he’s just so…. Oh I don’t know…” she sighed trying to find the right words to describe him to her. Maureen knew Paul for awhile , maybe not as long as Cynthia did but she new how he was. “Cyn I know how Paul is that mask he wears so no one can see what’s going on in that head of his. You remember Jane complaining about that .”  

“ yeah , I remember I just wish he didn’t just  walk away. I wanted to talk to him , then I got anxious so I   decided this time I wasn’t go to let a man take all the control of the situation so I marched into the loo .  He was in the shower and dripping wet.. I told him we had to talk.  He said to let him finish his shower and get dressed I guess I was a little to anxious..”  They both laughed at the thought of the situation and the fact that Cynthia had the courage to open her mouth first about things.

“I can’t believe you did that . So what are you gonna do?”

“I think I’m gonna ring off and take Julian over to Mrs. Edwards the caretakers wife so we can have time to talk.”

“Good show, ring me soon and let me know what is going on, but Cyn, be careful, you’ve been burned by John don’t make the same mistake with his mate. “

“Thanks but I think this is different, at least I hope.  And Mo don’t say a word to anyone not even Patti, not yet anyway.”

“Yeah, I’ll keep me gob shut.  You owe me so don’t forget to ring me. Give me the number there will you?”

“Sure”  She went on to give the number and hung up .  She heard Paul coming out of the shower so she hurried to get Julian and a few toys , yelled to Paul she’d be back in a little while then was out the door.

                When she came back she found him in the bathroom measuring for the vanity , jotting figures on a pad.  “Can we talk?”

He whirled around looking up at her from the floor. “a… yeah  hold on a minute.”

“Ok I’ll be in the dinning room.”

                 She sat down waiting for him, wondering what she would say .  Boy was she nervous this was new to her and Paul could be very opinionated.  He came out and sat down. He didn’t look mad, more of a gentle patient look.

“Well then , I guess we should straighten things out.”

He smiled at her seeing how nervous she was but he didn’t want to let on .

“Well, it’s just I don’t know what this is , if it’s not an affair then what is it and what do we do?”

   He laughed at her bluntness , he could understand her uneasiness over the situation and he was a little short with her this morning.  “I’m sorry luv, really I am , no; contrary to my reputation ,no baby, this isn’t an affair. I said last night and again I will say it , I care deeply for you.  I’d like to make a go of it. That is if you do?”  He waited for her answer. She realized that as self assured as he was he wasn’t sure of what she wanted, was she even sure?  She thought for a bit and realized she wasn’t cut out for affairs and   Just jumping into bed wasn’t for her, she wanted the wholething.  She thought about what Mo had told her , how Paul had always had a thing for her, about what happened between him and John and kicking Sandy out.  She didn’t even realize that Sandy had still been living with him.  It dawned on her that he was genuinely sincere with what he was saying.  “No , I don’t want an affair either, I want a relationship with you.”  She smiled at him as he  got up ,bent down to her and kissed her on the forehead.  “Good …. We can  take it day by day and see what happens ok?”

“Yes, I think that’s the best way…… Until we tell Julian I think we should be discrete ok?”  She saw him nod yes and then she felt a bit better now that she knew that he wanted the same thing she did a relationship. Curiosity got the best of her and she remembered what Maureen had said about the run in with John. 

“ I spoke to Mo today, she told me you and John had words.  What was that about?”

He screwed up his face , he wasn’t going to tell her this but now he had to.  He sighed biting his thumb for a second then sat against the dinning room table. “Yes at the office…. Yoko and he were wrecked and he tried baiting me.  I really wasn’t in the mood for it, he would have chewed me up and spit me out in his frame of mind and I wasn’t having any of it.  He seemed to be afraid of me taking his place with Jules , I think that is what the problem was.  I assured him that I wouldn’t come between them , then he wished us well, even Yoko said we’d be good together and I didn’t even know what was going to happen between us and they did, how’s that for a laugh.” 

“ I don’t really see why he is so worried he hasn’t seen much of Julian or called for that matter , I would think it a relief for him.”

“Cyn , He is the boys father and I’m not , there is still a bond there I know he wishes he could be more to him.  Still I can be there for him in the absence of his dad.”

“I guess so ….. Mo  also told me about Sandy.”

“Hang on it’s sounds like your checking up on me,  I don’t know who has a bigger mouth the press or Mo.’

“I’m sorry we were just talking and she told me is all .  I am not keeping tabs on you, so relax.”

“Alright, Sandy is gone, but you know that already I gave her the boot when I got back to London.”

“Oh so you were paving the road , you were so confident you’d bed me.”

He chuckled at this. “No actually I wasn’t , I was hoping something would happen, I would have waited.” He got off the table , moving around to her back he began to rub her shoulders.  “That’s why I asked you last night if you were sure you wanted to……  I gave you an out you just didn’t take it.”

She leaned her head back to look up at him.  “No I suppose I didn’t”

He leaned down to kiss her then walked over to the window, leaning against the frame he looked out over the expanse of land. “Do you feel better now or do you still have questions?”

“I feel better, thank you.”

He looked at her funny.  “thank you?  For what?  Talking things out?”

She stood up , walked over to him, laying her head against his shoulder she slid her arms around him. “I was never able to straighten things out to often with John.  We either ended up in bed or I would just watch him get drunk and listen to him yell.  Towards the end he would storm out or get stoned.  I never had the luxury of this.”

He turned around to her and pulled her to his chest.  “Oh I see, I promise you  that you can talk to me . I can get in moods too but I will tell you and later we will talk I promise you that , but please don’t say thank you for something we should be doing .”

At that moment she realized just how much she felt for this man , the friend she had for years who had now become her lover.  Here was that same  man  willing to talk things out, to work on the relationship not run from it.  She felt him give her a reassuring squeeze .  “ We need to go to town and get the stuff for the loo, that is if you are ready”

“yes I’ll go grab my bag and we can tell the Edwards we are going.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

               

                                                                              CHAPTER SIX

 

 

 

                They drove to town and ordered the accessories for the bathroom and a few other things.  On the way back to the farm Cynthia was quite deep in thought , with Julian over at the Edwards she had no distraction and now what haunted her was what to tell her young son about her and Paul.  Paul after listening to several tunes on the radio and singing with them noticed her deep in thought.  “ What are you going on about in your head?”  He waited a minute , when he didn’t get an answer he slid his left hand on to her lap , gently rubbing her leg to get her attention. “Huh?….. oh sorry, just thinking.”

“Bout what?”  She turned to look at him.  “We should tell him something about us so he isn’t confused but how do we say it?”  Paul looked confused himself,  not sure if she was speaking about Julian.  “Jules you mean?”  She looked mildly annoyed at him. “Of coarse Julian who else?” 

“Not sure that’s why I asked.  The truth of coarse, just cause he’s little  doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand.  He knows the difference between a lie and truth.  I think just tell him how we feel and that John will always be his dad , I don’t want him to think I’m taken John’s place .  It will come out fine.”

“suppose your right .  Tell him later I think.”   Paul slid his hand up her leg and over to her hand and squeezed it.  “Right… “ 

                They picked up Julian then saddled up the horses.  Julian was so excited to ride even though he was riding with Paul.  They rode down through the trails breaking off to a wooded area that led them to a   beach with a  stream which was still a part of High Park , part of Paul’s land.  There they had a picnic and let Julian splash around in the water.  Paul held him and showed him the fish swimming through the stream, they would go fishing one day while they were up there he promised.  Cynthia stood in the water by them, she loved to see how they got along it was nice; the way a child should relate to a man.  The water was cold and numbing; they got out and rode for a few more hours.                           

              They put the horses in the barn and sat down on the porch swing watching the dog and Julian play.  Cynthia thought that Martha was the best play mate for Julian,  she put up with so much, kept him busy for  periods of time and watched out for him.  The sun was getting closer to setting, cooling things down with a nice summer breeze. Paul had gotten up and walked in the house to get them a cool drink. Cynthia lay her head back on the swing , pushing it lazily with her left foot.  He came out standing there watching the breeze softly moving her hair.  Emotions seemed to surface as he watched this, it reminded him of so many other times he had watched her. Times when she didn’t know, now he didn’t care when she noticed it and flashed him a smile.  He strolled over handing her a drink he then sat down .  “One day I ;want to take you two over to see the standing stones, it’s a bit of a ride but it is fantastic to see.  They tower over you with such strength and power.  The Celtics say that there are all kinds of energy in them.  Healing powers all sorts of things.  People just gravitate to them looking for that power to answer there quest.”

She turned to him as he spoke to her imaging what it would be like to see something that was so mystical and been there so long.  “ Do they really have a power about them?”

“Straight away, people that stay around there have stories about it.  Me mum and da took us there a few times . He said it was part of our heritage , I have some relatives of his up there.  They took us places when they could , mum thought it only right we go places to learn as well as have fun.  She told me to learn as much as I could to improve me self and always talk the queen’s English .  “

“ She didn’t like the scouse huh.  Like just now when you said me instead of my?”

He laughed a bit at how easy it was to slid slowly back into his native accent which if he didn’t catch could get stronger the longer he let it go. “ She would correct us, often” He laughed at the memory “ You’ll never amount to much speaking that way she would say.”

“and your dad?”

“He was the historian of the family , like the trips to the standing stones. He would say if you listen close enough you could hear the music they made to tell there own stories.”

“Sounds so mystical and magical. It obviously means the world to you , yeah take us I’d love to see them.”

“It does mean a lot to me .  We went when I was young but just before me mum past on we went , so you see it was the last trip we all took.  Having relatives up there we could stay with them , I’d love to show you off .  We wouldn’t sag off to long just a few days then back here to work.”

“You never talk much about your mum or her death.”

His expression changed with this.  He seemed to slip away for a minute at her observation then tried to change the subject.

“I been meaning to tell you I can’t make it back on the weekend .  It’s the first showing of Yellow Submarine we all have to be there; I’ll come along the following weekend .”

To Paul’s relief she forgot the question about his mom but to his dismay he watched her face drop at the news. “I know you do, remember I was at thepremiere of Hard Days Night and Help.  I enjoyed that so, I wish I could go to this one .  “

Paul rocked the swing a bit looking down he thought the same thing.

“I really would love you to go I just don’t think it’s wise , the papers will be everywhere, photos will be taken and you and I will be the buzz of the papers.”

She knew he was right

“I know your right, all the same I’ll miss going and miss you .  So I guess just keep Julian here with me I don’t want to be away from him for two weeks. Salright, I guess I should be used to this by now. I’ll do what I can here.  You will ring me ?”

He gave a look of surprise when she said this.

“Of coarse I will.  …… We still have tonite.”

He thought it was cute the way she blushed as he said this , with a wink he gave her a rueful smile.  He certainly wasn’t used to making arrangements with a woman on his constant whereabouts, it wouldn’t be  hard to get used to with how he felt about her. 

                Paul played with Julian while Cynthia cleaned up the dinner dishes.  Thoughts whirled around in her head , she just didn’t know how to tell Julian.  Paul seemed so sure , what he said sounded right. This would be so hard , probably harder on her then Julian , he loved Paul it would be fine.  She wasn’t just afraid to tell Julian she was afraid of letting everyone know.  That was probably why she told Mo not to say anything to anyone , to keep the secret .  It felt so good so right , no one knowing  messing it up, her safe little world.  Going back to London would change that , it scared her , the thought of people chasing her again to get a story a picture to sell their bloody papers.  What scared her more was the thought of Paul away from her for two weeks.  She had trusted John when he was away only to find out he had been unfaithful to her.  It hurt her a pain she didn’t want to feel again , a pain that Paul was known for .  Was she crazy?  Could he be faithful to her and with the reporters so crazed for a story would they fabricate something ?  She shook thinking about it , terror engulfed her winding around  her whole being.  She could never follow him around , but the thought of going through all of it again made her feel sick to her stomach, her mind whirling around caught  in her own fears , she didn’t realize she dropped a glass until she heard it shatter bringing her back to the present only in thought , emotionally she still shook and tears slid down her face  in that haze she stooped down to pick up the glass.

                Paul hearing the glass break came running in with Julian along side of him.  “Jules stay in there you’ll cut yourself here .”  He bent down to her, he carefully took the glass out of her hand.  Blood streamed down it, he realized she didn’t even know it had cut her.  He looked at the state she was in which scarred him a bit , tears ran down along with the blood.  He slowly helped her up, everything was moving in slow motion around her it was like a dream..  She didn’t even feel the cold water numbing her hand as he put it under the tap.  Grabbing a towel he wrapped her hand in it , putting pressure on it to stop the bleeding.  Julian had slowly crept into the kitchen watching the scene unfold .  “What’s wrong with my mum?”

Paul  turned quickly around to see him leaning against the table.  “Jules….it’s ok mummy just cut herself on some glass.  You go back and play I’ll take care of her .  The glass hasn’t been cleaned up yet and you’ll cut yourself too.  Go on back and keep the dog from coming in.”

“But mummy is crying.”

Paul smiled a reassuringly at him. “Well don’t you cry when you hurt yourself?  Now go on with ya. Let me help your mum.”  Julian started to go then turned giving an uncertain look.

“I promise I’ll take good care of you mum Jules ok?”

He thought a minute before telling Paul what he was thinking.  “Mummy kisses my boo boos to make them better.”

Paul laughed as he kept the pressure on her cut.  Kids were great they had an answer for everything and so simple .  “Later Jules, you can kiss it after it’s bandaged and I’ve cleaned the mess….Now is it ok?”

He looked more satisfied, shook his head then left.  Paul pulled Cynthia  from him, she had been crying into his shoulder while he was talking to Julian.  He lifted her face with his free hand to look into her eyes . 

“Hey what’s all this cryin about?”: She sniffled and shook her head , her thoughts were still cloudy and she felt embarrassed at the situation.  He looked at her pouting face as she wiped the tears from it.

“No?….Com ead luv something got you going not just dropping that glass.”

He kissed the top of her head to let her know it was ok.  His voice was soothing as he took her other hand with his and looked gently down at her.  “It’s ok……. You can tell me, we said we would talk things out remember?”   He paused for a moment waiting for her answer , when she didn’t say anything he started again.  “right, tell me what’s troubling you.”

He could see the uncertainty in her eyes the fear of his reaction to what ever was bothering her. It reminded him of how Julian was a few minutes before with him , Paul had to coax him ,reassure him that everything would be alright.  She was like that child and he would have to be patient and coax her until she felt comfortable sharing her fears with him.  He hugged her close to him then checked the bleeding , it had slowed down enough to take care of , it would wait a minute until he found out what was wrong with her.

“I’m sorry.”  She said very timidly , this was so hard for her , she could see the concern on his face. God why did she have to feel so intimidated by her feelings . She wished she could be like others who spoke their minds as things happened.  It would take practice , she just hoped Paul had the patience with her.

He could see the hesitation from her , he tried coaxing her again. 

“Nothing to be sorry about luv, just tell me and I promise you’ll feel better.”

He was right she knew that, it had always been hard for her to share her fears always afraid and unsure of the response she would get.  “ Ok….. “  She took a deep breath and pulled away  a bit from him.  She didn’t look at him when she spoke afraid to see his reaction. “ I started thinking about how to tell Julian and well your so sure of things and your probably right he will be ok with it .  But then other things started going around in my mind.  When we go back to England everyone will know about us .  the media will say I am on my second Beatle; the head lines will go crazy with it . I just want it to stay quite enjoy the warmth that we have now.  It will all be ruined .  What will happened to us then back there , will we still betogether.  Will I go back to live with my mum or you or what ?”  She took a deep breath looking up to see Paul’s reaction only to see he was listening with concern on his face. Then like a  storm it all came pouring out of her , shaking her from the inside out a rage from the past, her voice raised to it catching him off guard.

“I trusted  John and look what happened!!!!  How can I trust you , your known for the same thing.  I’ve seen it.”  She started crying again harder then before.  He held her to him and thought for a moment.  He could understand her fears they were so real , but how could he make her see that he was trust worthy , especially like she had said he was known for it.  She saw what happened with Jane and all the women he cheated on her with.   He pulled her face to his and kissed her gently , his hand slid under her chin then slid up to her face wiping away her tears he gave her a napkin.

“Boy is that all.”  He smiled at her in such a loving way she couldn’t help but feel that he would make things alright .  She listened as he spoke so softly, the sureness and even the reality of what he was saying.

“Luv, listen to me, now your worrying about so much at once you’re overwhelming yourself.”  He picked her up and put her on the counter so he could look straight into her eyes.

“First, we do one thing at a time here. We tell Jules, and he’ll be fine I promise you that.  Now, about John and me, yeah we we’re whores , no doubt, but you are going to either take a risk, starting a little at a time trustin me or then we can’t do this.  I won’t have you upset like this luv, little by little you’ll see that I’ll be true to my word to just be with you . I know my track record is bad and that’s on me I am going to have to show you that I swear I will do my best to be true and I will. If I can’t I will tell you. I will not do to you what John did. I will leave before I let that happen I promise you that one, I will.”

She looked down , his honesty was to much she only wanted to hear that he would never cheat on her or leave her. She knew that wasn’t being honest with herself.  She just wanted for once to be the most important thing to a man , not be in the back round like she had been with John.  She wanted to feel secure but she knew he was right that it would take some time, he did have a bad track record and proof and time was what it would take.  She listened a little calmer as he went on.

“As far as the media goes it is going to happen you know how it is you’ve been there before we can’t stop them they will say what they will and we will just stick it out.  I reckoned  when we got back to England you and Jules would stay with me at my flat but that’s up to you and I was just going to take it as we went along there is no need to fret over it.  If you do decide to come stay with me you could redo the place . Give Patti a call and have fun with it . Right now it’s still the way Jane decorated it.”

She shook her head and surrendered to the good sense he was making.

“Right , I know you are saying what is right I’m just letting my ghosts get the best of me.”

She laid her head on his shoulder. Boy, he did seem to calm her down all the time with his reasoning , understanding and loving way.  Maybe this is a good thing she pondered it for such a long time Paul started to get worried.

“You ok?”

She looked up at him and smiled , her eyes were red, her face tear stained , she wondered how he was going to put up with this part of her.

The answer came as he drew her close , kissed her. then whispered in her ear.

“Don’t worry luv, I can be very patient when I have to …. Well when I want to be and with you I want to.  I understand , I know you are going to have doubts more times then you might want to , but in time I think everything will work it self out.  Now let’s bandage this hand up for you.  First let me clean this mess up.”

He took the broom and swept it all into the dust pan, then in to the rubbish bin.  When he got it cleaned up he helped her down.

“Ok that’s in the rubbish bin, now the bandage. I told you that you would feel better after you told me what was up. Man , I knew this would be hard for you but I didn’t realize how hard , I am sorry but I know if you keep believing in me and in us it will work. “

She smiled as he kissed her, then led her to the bathroom.  He was right she did feel better a little silly even; but better.  She winced when he cleaned the cut and relieved when he was finished. True to his word he called Julian into the bathroom to see that his mother was ok.  He saw his mom sitting on the toilet hand bandaged not crying anymore. Paul led him over to her.

“Go on then, kiss it and make mums boo boo  better.”  He smiled as Julian looked up at his mom then kissed her on the  bandaged hand. “Does it feel better mum?”

God did she love this kid, he was so sweet she couldn’t imagine her life without him.  He had changed her so much, watching him now with such concern and love on his face she was lucky the love just seemed to pour out more at times and this was one of those times.  She scooped him into her arms, hugging him and kissing him. “yes luv mummy feels so much better.”

Paul felt a glow of such warmth come over him as he watch Cynthia with Julian.  A mothers love is so deep such a connection with their children, more then with the father.  He drifted back to his mother , how she would always make things better some how.  From cuts and bruises to the harshness of how cruel other children could be.  She was always there for him, there was just something so special about a mother and child relationship.  He always watched this with other people, even with Mo and Zak.  It  made him marvel at the beauty of it but it also hurt him to see it.  He missed his own mom so much , he could never bring himself to go to  her grave site since the funeral.  He never told a soul , alone; there were times he would still weep for her .  The child within him would cry out in fear and at times rage.  Sometimes he would dream of her , only to wake up calling for her  he would grab his pillow and curl up like a child crying.

Cynthia saw his far away look she called for him but couldn’t get his attention until the second time.  He slowly looked up at her and Julian, quickly filing his memories away , keeping them safe, guarding himself against the hurt that it caused , his face went blank, the hurt erased .

“Where were you?’

“oh no where……I think we are done here.  I’m going to grab a beer want one?”

“No ….no thanks.”

He walked out , she sat there hugging Julian .  He didn’t cover up his face quick enough , the look of hurt betrayed him.  She wondered what he had been thinking that hurt him so much. It seemed strange to her , here he helped her feel better from hurting emotionally and physically and she couldn’t help him with what ever he had been struggling with , she had seen that look before a few times , when were they ?  If she could figure that out maybe she could find a common thought or situation that could help her know what it was but for now she couldn’t maybe he would tell her in time.   She got up and ushered her son out into the living room while she went back into the kitchen to finish what she had started.