CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the drive over to Paul’s they had been quiet. The rain still came down and all they could hear were the wipers fighting back the drops and the gun shots that would forever echo in their ears. They knew this would be hard. Paul would probably have had a few in him by now. Would he believe them? How do you tell someone something like this and especially in his current condition? That was the question that silently went around in their heads.

 

 

Ringo finally broke the silence.

“How we gonna do this then?”

 

 

George thought for a minute and shrugged. “Y know I never thought this far. I always thought we’d have Laura and John with us to tell him. …….I guess show him what we have.”

 

 

“He’s not gonna believe that . The police said he had to go down to the morgue and identify the body and sign some papers for the burial.” Ringo breathed out with a heavy heart.

 

 

“I, that he will. But I think that can wait a day don’t you? I mean …….he won’t be able to do it now will he?”

George sighed at the thought , not wanting this part of the job. He looked up to see Paul’s house. It was already late in the day and he knew Paul would be up and somewhat about.

He pressed the key pad and the gate opened. He parked and let out an audible sigh, resting his head on the wheel.

 

 

Ringo looked over to him and patted him on the back. He didn’t want to do this either. Someone had to do it, but he didn’t have to like it. He gathered the papers in the note book and gave George and encouraging look.

“Ready mate?”

 

“No, but I guess we better.” George gave a weak smile.

 

 

He took out the key to the house and they ran up to the porch. Their cloths had finally dried and they didn’t want to get soaked again. He opened the door as they hurried in out of the weather.  They looked up the three stairs leading to the first floor and saw the light on in the kitchen. Then they heard a noise followed by a voice.

 

“Sandy? Is that you? You didn’t leave a note and I didn’t know…..”  Paul stepped out of the kitchen to see George and Ringo , stopping in mid sentence . He starred at them , almost as if he never saw them before. They hung their coats on the rack by the door and slowly started up the stairs. Paul watched them , wondering why they were there and why they hadn’t rung in.

 

“Hey, you’re all wet.” Was all Paul could get out. He didn’t know where Sandy was and seeing them confused him.

 

“Yeah raining a bit out there.” Ringo Answered. They climbed up the stairs and followed Paul into the kitchen seeing an already started bottle on the table, along with a pack of cigarettes and a newspaper. They both starred at him for a moment , not seeing him in a while he had a shadow of a beard and looked disheveled . His eyes were sunken back and he looked like he had lost some weight.

 

 

He waved to the chairs and they sat down.

 

 

“Want a drink it’ll take the chill off or so me da always said.” Paul got out some glasses and put them on the table.

 

 

Ringo eagerly took the bottle, he’d need a drink for this and then passed it to George , who also poured one.

 

Paul sat down and pour him self another.

“I don’t know where Sandy is.  She didn’t leave a note and that’s not like her. I thought you were her actually. Why didn’t you ring in? Hey she didn’t go out with Mo or Pattie did she?” He spoke fast and nervously, almost like he was afraid of them being there.

 

 

The two men looked at each other, obviously uncomfortable. Paul noticed it and looked at one to the other, waiting to see why. When they didn’t answer he took a drink and then spoke up.

 

“What?” He inquired as he swallow it.

 

 

“No, she isn’t with Mo or Pattie but we do know where she is.” Ringo sighed.

 

 

“Well where then?” Paul looked at them questionably.

 

 

George looked at Ringo and then got up from the chair after downing his drink. He walked over to Paul with the book in his hand.

“Paul……I a don’t know quite know how to tell you this.”  He put the book of papers in front of him.

“Maybe you should look these over first.”

 

 

Paul took the book and then looked up at George.

“Tell me, it’s obviously something or you wouldn’t be here and just walk in like that.” His nervousness turned into annoyance.

 

 

George laid his hand on his friends shoulder.

“Sandy was never what she seemed. We …….well just read the stuff there. Ok?”

He turned his gaze down to the papers, not able to look Paul straight in the eye.

 

 

Paul nodded slowly, fear ran threw him. George was being so cryptic and he didn’t like how it sounded. George walked over to the counter and leaned up against it, praying his friend would understand but somehow he doubted it.

 

 

Paul read the police report first, then the doctor’s report from the institution and then finally the other doctor’s report about the blood. He shook his head as he read. His reading was laggard from the alcohol and it hampered his abilities to fully understand.  He wondered why they would do this to him. This couldn’t be true and if it was what did it mean? He slammed the book shut and grabbed the bottle off the table, swallowing as much as he could in one gulp. He put it down and looked from one to the other in disbelief.

 

 

“Why ?....... How?.......I don’t understand. What are you trying to tell me?”  He looked at them in bewilderment.

 

 

Ringo got up and came around the table. He pulled the chair up close to Paul.

He reopened the book and took out the papers. He looked up sadly at his friend.

“Paulie, she lied to ya. She was never preggers and faked the miscarriage. She staged everything. Look at these reports. This one telling you she was institutionalized and this one telling you she comes from a Posh family . Look here, see?” He pointed.

“Laura Walker, she knew her , Laura grew up with her and she blackmailed her to stage this thing so you would marry her.”

 

 

Paul pushed at the table , knocking his chair over and stumbling backward. He would have fallen if he hadn’t of hit the wall.

 

“No” he said quietly .  Then he shouted “No! She wouldn’t do that to me!”

 

 

George stepped towards him stopping as he saw Paul put his hand up for him to back off.

“He’s right…..The blood …..out in yer garden under some bushes are mouse traps. She used the blood from the dead mice….It’s sick I know but .John…..He found them when they were cleaning up and showed me. I took the towels and the dead mice to get tested and ……well…they were the same.” He waited to see what Paul would do but he did nothing, just stood there. His voice dropped and softly he went on.

 

 

“Once we had the Police report and the doctor’s we had to wait for the test to come back on the blood. It took awhile and we wanted to be sure before we told you.” He could see the tears running down Paul’s face.

 

 

Ringo stayed in his seat as he watched everything unfold. It scared him to see Paul cry and he knew it would only be worse once they finished. He decided to back George up. The two eyed each other, not wanting to finish the horror story, but he had to know and they were his best mates. Ringo took over the story, remembering every detail, still fresh in his mind. The drama replayed itself for both, vivid and still clear as he glossed through it.  He watched the changing emotions on Paul’s face; he picked up on it and his voice filled with compassion.

“Then we went to talk to Laura this morning. She confirmed everything. She told us how sick Sandy was. That she was not taking her medicine and how she would obsess on things and do what ever it took to get what she wanted and what she wanted was you. Anyway she could get you.”

 

 

Paul slid down the wall, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest; not believing , not understanding how this could be true.

 

George saw Ringo getting choked up and he continued for him. “She told us how manipulative Sandy could be , of her tirades and blackmail. She killed a Man . You saw it William Baker in a cold calculated way, the same way she planned to get you. She told Laura that she was involved and threatened her to help and Laura, who had promised Sandy’s mum to watch over her just wanted to see her happy . It was wrong and Laura knew it.” He quickly got out the last few sentences and then stopped; trying to believe, himself, that everything they were saying really happened

 

 

Paul slowly got up and dried his eyes. He went towards the table with furry. Ringo backed up , thinking he was going after him. He watched as Paul’s hand passed him and grabbed the bottle.

 

 

He swallowed the liquor; willing it to stop the pain, willing it to make this nightmare go away and willing it to just let him pass out so he wouldn’t have to deal with this.

 

 

They watched as he drank with a vengeance, pacing around the floor and holding the bottle to his lips. His was mind racing, he had to prove them wrong, he just had to. He dropped the bottle to the table throwing open the back door like a mad man, he ran out into the garden. George and Ringo followed him wondering what he was doing and where he was going.

 

He felt crazed, his head whirling with the thought of how much he grieved for a baby that might not have been real He remembered the blood and her face so pale. How could she have done that? He ran franticly, sliding in the wet dirt, until he fell to the ground in a pool of mud and sat there for a moment as the rain dripped down his face. The mud clung to him as he reached under the bushes, desperately trying to prove them wrong. He felt around and got down on his stomach to reach further; then he felt something wet and furry. His hand recoiled out of fear and disgust from what he felt. He again pushed his hand under the bush until he was able to pull out what he felt. Afraid to see what it was but afraid not to see the truth, he held it up to the light from the back porch. When he realized that it truly was a mouse in a trap, he dropped it as if he had been burned. His tears mixed with the rain and he didn’t know which was which. He slowly got up sickened and distraught over finding her trap or was it his trap he found, he didn’t know. He painfully, walked back towards the house with the two following behind. Once in the house Ringo got some towels to dry them off.

 

Paul just pushed past George who was drying himself, grabbed the bottle and went into the living room, again gulping the liquid.

 

 

George and Ringo looked to each other and went after him at the same time.

George pulled the bottle from his hand. Paul grabbed for it angrily, standing there letting the muddy rain run from him to the carpet. George kept it from him and pushed him easily into the arm chair.

 

“This isn’t gonna help mate!” George scolded; then gave the bottle to Ringo who put it back in the kitchen and came back out.

 

“Listen to us….Listen to me! You saw those dead things out there!….. I love you man and I wouldn’t lie to ya….. we’ve known each other since …..well …..  since forever!” George said desperately.

 

 

Paul sat there with anger spread across his face. “Give it back!” he yelled; only half listening to what George was saying. He needed that bottle, couldn’t they see? He needed something, he needed to be anesthetized. He hadn’t wanted to feel for quite some time.  He needed it to block out the on going anxiety. It festered inside him, like a deep wound, growing worse with each passing day. He felt it coursing through him, getting worse with each minute that passed. He could no longer carry the anger as he whined.                                                                                                                             “Just please give it back.  I don’t want to hear anymore…..please?”  

 

“I’ll give it back after you hear me out.” George answered, calming himself down.

He realized that what they were telling him no one in their right mind would want to hear, let alone believe that it happened to them. 

 

Paul looked at him, he felt powerless. He slumped back into the chair knowing he wouldn’t win and had to he hear them out.

 

“The worst thing was what she’s done to you. I hate seeing you like this and so does everyone else.” He sighed looking at the pitiful site in front of him. He searched to Ringo for help.

 

 

Ringo came to the other side of the chair.

 

“Mate he’s right y know. She was a sick girl. She grew angry that you still thought of Cynthia and when we went to Laura’s today we found out she was going to meet someone today and pay them to do away with her like she did William Baker.”

 

 

Paul’s eyes shone as he looked at Ringo threw tears. They fell faster then before and he didn’t care, he just starred at him, lost, confused and terrified.

 

 

“We had an idea and Laura agreed to it. She was supposed to go to that meeting today with Sandy. Sandy drugged you with the rest of her pills from the hospital. She put it in your tea along with your pick me up.” He looked at Paul to see if any of this was registering and saw him thinking about what he was being told.

 

 

“Anyroad, That’s why she didn’t leave a note cause she figured you would never know she was gone and when you woke she’d be there. Her perfect alibi to where she was. She didn’t realize that we sussed her out and taped a small recorder to Laura to tape the conversation and get the man before he killed Cynthia. John went in disguise and watched and George got the cops. When Laura had everything on tape , John got it from her  and took it out side to the cops so they could arrest them.” Ringo finished.

 

“So she’s in Jail?” Paul spoke with no emotion.

 

 

George put his hand on Paul’s shoulder and squeezed it.

“No mate……..she’s a…….a……she’s dead.”

He waited for a response, but none was given so he went on.

 

 

“When she figured out what was going on she took Laura as a hostage. She was carrying a gun and took her outside. John saw this and well. He went after her , knocking her to the ground and tried to knock the gun out of her hand. Laura was sent flying and was hit by a vehicle but she’s ok. John struggled with Sandy and got shot but he still managed to keep her there on the ground for the police. She got the gun back and was going to kill him when the cop shot her. She died instantly. John’s ok beat up and stitched up; he has a concussion and is at home. He wanted to come…..to be here with you” He paused for a minute. “ I’m sorry mate.”

 

George realized he was just rambling on out of nerves. He didn’t know what else to say; all he knew was that he had just told one of his best mates an ugly story that he had trouble believing himself.   

 

Neither of them saw a reply as Paul sat in shock.

 

George nudged him. “Mate you ok?” he looked cautiously at him.

 

 

Paul shook his head slowly at first and then faster as he shot up out of the chair. Ringo and George caught off guard fell into one another, piling one on top of the other in the arm chair. Ringo got up and then helped George up. They ran into the kitchen after hearing a crashing sound.

 

 

“NO!!!!” Paul threw anything he could at the wall , scaring Martha as she ran out of the room. He again grabbed the bottle, the only thing that didn’t betray him. He couldn’t , wouldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be true. Everything that he was told and saw raced threw his hazy brain, as he tried to make sense of it. He couldn’t , it wouldn’t register and it suddenly seemed to much for him . He threw himself into a chair , drinking and crying.

 

 

When they ran in, what they saw was a lost boy, a shadow of the man they had once known. They watched as the sobs came harder and the bottle almost dropped from his hand.

 

George carefully took it from him and put it on the table. This scared him and he didn’t know what to do. He knelt down to Paul, Ringo kneeling by his other side.

 

 

“Paul?” George reached out to him.  Paul grabbed on tight; burying his face into George’s shoulder. There he lay for a few minutes just sobbing.

 

 

He clung on to his friend, his mate, the one he grew up with and he knew; his George would never lie to him. He shook with sobs and fears; he didn’t know what to do. He felt more lost then he ever had in his life. Images swam in his mind until the image of John stood in front, he couldn’t think clearly but he felt desperate to see him; see that he was alright. Paul whispered in a child like voice.

 

 “I…wantta see John.”

 

 

 

Ringo looked into his eyes.

“John can’t come by. Remember, he was hurt and is home in bed.”

 

It broke Ringo’s heart to see him like this. He was at a loss and decided to call over to John’s.

“Geo , I’m gonna call John’s why don’t you get Paulie here some dry and clean cloths and why your at it maybe something for us.”

 

 

George nodded. He didn’t know whether to take Paul with him or just bring the cloths down. When Paul didn’t move he ran up the stairs to Paul’s room and got some cloths for them. He knew they’d be a bit big on him and long on Ringo but it was better then the wet ones they had on. He came downstairs and looked over to the phone, trying to listen.

 

“Yoko , Ritch here.”

 

 

“Richard how is everything?” she asked.

 

“Not good . Is John well enough to take a call?” he asked hopefully.

 

“He’s been sleeping on and off. I should wake him and I’ll see if he is up to talking. Will you hold on a moment?” With out waiting for a reply she put the phone down and went to see her husband. She walked in to the room as he stirred and then painfully turned his head to see her.

 

 

“Mother was that the phone? Is it the boys?”

He hated not being there and hoped that the phone call was from them , saying everything was alright. He knew though that everything wasn’t alright and that Paul would be worse then ever.

 

“Yes John , Things aren’t going to well and  they wanted to know if they can speak to you.” She said softly.

 

 

“Bring the phone from the nightstand over here and would you prop me up please luv.” He smiled.

 

 

“Of course.” She propped him up on a pile of pillows, making him sit up and then put a pillow under his head so he didn’t have to hold it up. She then brought the phone over to him and left to hang up the other.

 

 

“What’s going on over there?” The words flew out of his mouth with great concern.

 

 

“Nothing good Johnny. We told him and he a er well he’s pretty gutted . He’s been drinkin a lot and now he’s all muddy and wet from finding those bleedin traps and rodents under the bushes.” Ringo cringed at the thought of them.

 

 

“ We’re gonna get him changed…… Oh Cor Johnny his moods are changing like me mum changes her bleedin curtains. He’s mad , shocked , scared, lost and I can’t even begin to read the rest of how he’s feelin.”

 

 

“I bloody knew I should have been there.” He cursed his head as he felt it pound.

He stopped when he realized what Ritch had just said.

“Rodents?”

 

“Yeah , He went potty,  flew out the door and went to find them. He went under the bushes in the puddles of mud until he found them. He was crazed I tell you. “ He cringed at the memory.

 

“How could you let him do that? Run out there in the mud and rain for what? To find the bloody mice! I should be there.” He took a second to calm himself. He wasn’t mad at Ringo or George but at himself and at Sandy for what she had done. He felt bad at taking his anger out on poor Ringo who was just doing the best he could. He mulled over the situation in his head.

“Sorry Ritch it isn’t you.”

 

 

“Salright I know I feel helpless too.” He said putting the feelings John felt into words.               “John , he wants to see you.” Ringo stayed silent waiting for an answer.

 

 

“Well I can’t just sit here being duff now can I…..Bring him over and he can stay here the night.” John told him. He would feel much better with his eye on Paul he thought.

 

 

“It’ll take a bit we have to get him to change , get him to move for that matter. We’ll be by soon. You sure you’re up ta this?” Ringo said not sure if this was a good idea.

 

 

“Yes yes I’m sure don’t be a nesh bring em ere.” John scolded.

 

 

Ringo could here his accent getting stronger and knew John’s patience was growing thin, from the pain and from worry.

 

“Right be over in a bit.” He hung up the phone and looked at George

 

“He wants us to bring him.” He shook his head and then stole a glance at Paul who just sat there in a daze.

 

 

George had changed and threw Ringo some cloths.

“You think he’ll change?”

 

 

Ringo again glanced at Paul and then back at George.

“You better wait till I come back as I can help you.”

 

 

George waited , sitting at the table smoking a cigarette and watching Paul as he sat there. Every so often Paul would take the bottle and swallow some of its contents. He sat there chain smoking his cigarettes and just watching the smoke swirl up to the ceiling.

 

 

 Ringo came back in the shirt a pant hung on him as they would a bum. He rolled up the sleeves and pant legs and then he helped George dress Paul.  When he saw George’s frustration he waved him aside, undressing and then dressing Paul as he would a child.

 

 

“How do you have the patience? He’s not even helping you.” George asked.

 

 

“I have kids y know. He’s just a bigger version is all.” Ringo said as he buttoned Paul’s shirt.   

 

Paul felt numb, he knew he should help Ringo dress him but he couldn’t even get his body to move. He wanted to see John , he wanted to know he was ok. He needed his comfort as well. He stood there fully clothed, he didn’t care that he needed a shower or that he was dry. He didn’t care about very much lately and now he care even less if that were possible.

 

 

“Come ead Paul we’re gonna see Johnny.” Ringo said as he pushed him along.

 

They got there coats and put on Paul’s as he stood at the bottom of the stairs, being nothing more then a life size mannequin .

 

George opened the door and they both started to pull Paul along .

 

 

When he got to the door he stopped, refusing to move another step. He hadn’t been out of the house except for the garden since they finished the album. The thought of going outside and away from the house scared him.

 

 

“I can’t …..can’t John come here?” He said in a soft shaky voice.

 

 

“We told ya Paul he can’t get out of bed.” George said not understanding his sudden waking from his almost catatonic state and the fear that went with it.

 

 

Paul backed up and sat on the stairs.

“I …..I a ….haven’t been out there since we finished the album. I don’t know why but I’m…..afraid to go out.” He said ashamed.

 

 

They could see the frustration, shame and fear mixed in his face. This once confident outgoing man was now filled with fear and reluctances that they didn’t understand.

 

 

“Just one step Paulie and it will be ok . You’ll see and we’re with ya. Then we’ll go see John. Ok?” Ringo said trying to coax him along.

 

 

Paul slowly got up and starred outside in to the darkness filled with his fears.

He stood close to George and Ringo as they helped him slowly step onto the porch.

He stood frozen for a moment. Part of him wanted to run back in the house, finding shelter in a drink with the familiar surroundings. Part of him just wanted to push on so he could see John and maybe feel better. He shrugged it off, allowing them to escort him to the car and help him in. Ringo started it and they drove off to his flat, where John and Yoko lived.

   

 

 

 

                                                CHATPTER THIRTY-TWO

 

 

 

 

Yoko opened the door and let them it. She took notice of the cloths they wore. George was swimming in his and Ringo’s pant legs were cuffed as much as you could cuff the flared jeans. They walked in with Paul in tow. She wasn’t prepared for what she saw. Paul’s eyes were puffy and red , his hair a tangled wet mass with dried mud, the same brown stains were on his face, arms and hands. He looked to her to be empty; barely alive. The eyes that once sparkled with life; were now big void pools. She could smell the alcohol from him, even from a distance it seemed to seep form his pores. She ushered them in offering to make tea. She told them to go on to the bedroom, where they had carried John to earlier that same day.  

 

 

 

John heard a light tap at the door. He looked around to see Ringo peak his head in.

 

“John? You up ?”

 

“Of coarse I’m up you nit. Don’t stand on formalities just get your arses in here.” He chuckled, stopping himself because of the pain.

 

Ringo and George came in, leaving Paul standing against the door jam and starring at John.

 

They sat down on the bottom of the big four poster bed, surprised to see him awake and his usual self. It was good and so familiar to see him like this. It almost took the tension of the day away until they saw the pain on his face.

 

 

He glanced over at Paul holding up the door jam and then seeing him, he wondered if it wasn’t holding him up. He smiled at what had become part of the door and waved him in.

When Paul didn’t respond; John verbally offered the invite.

 

“Ya gonna come in then?”

 

 

It made John frown to see him slowly almost mechanically walk with wobbly legs into the room and around the other side of the bed. John inspected him. Mentally, he seemed despondent, unsure and afraid. Physically, he had lost weight, was in need of a good bath, shave and hair cut. If he sat out on the street one would mistake him for a beggar, he thought.

 

 

Paul tried to keep his balance when he cornered the bed. He felt his weight sink into the bed when he sat down on the other side leaning against the headboard. His eyes felt as heavy as his heart. John seemed alright and he was relieved. He starred at him, wishing he could say something, anything but his mouth wouldn’t move. 

 

 

John looked tight lipped at him. The clean up would take awhile he thought as he eyed him.

“You look a right mess.”

 

 

Paul continued to stare, his eyes blinking away the tears.

 

 

Yoko brought in some tea and handed them each a steaming hot mug placing Paul’s on the night stand.

 

The silence was awkward. They were all tired. The day had been long and emotional to all; each in his own way. They drank their tea, Paul not touching his as he sat motionless.

John looked at the other two; they looked worn out and in need of rest. He knew he could take care of Paul, even in this condition

 

 

“You lads should go home, get some rest.” He told them.

 

 

“Yeah, Mo’s probably asleep by now.” Ringo said with disappointment in his voice.

 

 

“What you’re scheduled in tonight?” George laughed.

 

 

John grinned , never one to miss the opportunity to needle Ringo. He also needed to ease the tension in the room.

“Ritch, I’d rework that schedule if I were you. You can’t whack off when you have Mo.”

 

 

George added to John’s laughter, welcoming the release.

 

 

“Ah, shove off the lot of ya.” Ringo smiled back, enjoying the teasing.

 

Ringo watched Paul for a moment . He didn’t react to the teasing but saw him slid closer to John.

 

 

“You gonna be ok with him tonight? Y know he has to go down to the morgue sometime tomorrow and identify her and sign for the burial. I don’t know if he’s up to making the decisions.”  

 

 

 

John watched Paul out of the corner of his eye as he spoke.

 

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. Yoko and me we’ll clean him up and take him in the afternoon to do what needs to be done.”

 

 

Paul sat there listening . They spoke as if he wasn’t even there. Truth was he wasn’t and he knew it. His mind drifted through clouds in his mind , sliding from one thing to another.

Occasionally, he heard them as he rested his heavy head against the head board; the words just passing through him.

 

 

George came over to them and knelt down to John.

“Y know they all saw her. It will be all over the papers. We have to talk to Derrick, let him know what’s up, so he can get a press release goin.”

 

 

They nodded at him.

“I reckon one of you lads should do it. Just make sure Paul gets sympathy and that Derrick makes it clear he knew nothing. Let them know she was a loon and hid it well.”

 

 

George stood up. “I’ll call, when I get home since I don’t have a schedule to follow.” He chuckled again at Ringo’s expense.

 

 

Ringo nodded at him. ”Oh you’re a riot you are son. Come let’s shove off.”

He turned to Paul. “We’ll see you soon mate.”

 

 

George turned to him , hopping he would get through this and feeling guilty about how it turned out. He was the one that had suspected there was something wrong and then followed it up. It was good he did but the damage was done.

“Yeah, Paulie just try and get your self together. I’m sorry we had to tell you something like this.” He starred at him for a minute, then looked at John , who shrugged. He bowed out of the room, closely followed by Ringo.

 

 

John’s lay there his head hurt . He closed his eyes for a moment and heard a gut wrenching noise. He didn’t have to open his eyes to know what Paul was doing.

 

 

Paul grabbed the can, took the bag out and began to purge his insides in to it. It almost felt good, like he was getting rid of the darker feelings that plagued him, inside.

 

 

John sunk his head deeper in to the pillow cushioning it from the pain he felt as he called for Yoko.

 

Yoko came in and was sick at the site she saw. She took the can from Paul.

“You done?”

 

He nodded. She started to walk out and John called her back.

 

“Luv? Will you get Paul a pair of my night cloths and some towels so he can have a shower?”

 

“Yes, I think that would be good.” She said as she went over to get the cloths.

 

 

“Paulie go take a shower you need it mate.” John instructed.

 

Paul nodded, listening to what he was told. “Right dad.” He said in a soft detached voice.

John was caught off guard by his answer and chuckled , thinking it a joke.

 

Paul felt so drained, he couldn’t make a decision, so he listened. He shadowed Yoko to the water closet and took the things she offered him. She set the water for him, like you would a child and turn on the spray. When she left he slowly looked around, then dragged off his clothes. He got into the shower , letting the spray soak him. He turned to the front tile and put his hands against it, leaning his body into the wall. He felt the water hit his back, but it wasn’t hot enough to wash all the self loathing, doubt and shame that he felt. He lowered his hand to turn it as hot as he could. He soaped his hair, scrubbing so hard his scalp bled. He saw a small amount of blood on his hands and almost smiled at it. He rinsed his hair out. Then took the flannel that was left for him and soaped it up, scrubbing as hard as he could, making his skin raw in the process.

 

 

The pain felt more real then anything he had felt in months. He got out and toweled off. He rubbed the steam off the mirror with the ball of his hand and then looked at a face he no longer recognized, his eyes held no familiarity to them. Sickened he backed away and dressed. He shook to much to shave. Every part of his body needed a drink; his nerves screamed for it. He walked slowly down the hall , hearing voices from the bedroom letting him know where they were. He crept quietly over to the small bar. His hand shakily landed on the bottle he needed. There was no thought behind it as he uncapped it and felt the wonderful familiar burn down his throat and into his stomach. He was so engrossed in his need, he never heard Yoko approach.

 

 

She watched remembering the need she had just a little over four months ago to do the same with drugs. Her heart went out to him as she related to that incessant need. She made a noise so he would know she was there. He shamefully took the bottle from his mouth and swiped his hand across it, getting rid of the excess. She approached him and took the bottle form his trembling hand. She dismissed his flushed face of embarrassment and drink.

 

 

“Come on Paul, I understand your demons. You can take this to the room.”

 

 

He followed her back into the bedroom. John saw Yoko with the bottle and Paul’s whipped look. He surmised what happened and had even expected it. He had told Yoko they would need to give him something, especially in the morning.

 

 

“Well you look a right sight better. There’s a comb over there use it.” He ordered, knowing Paul wouldn’t comb it unless he was told.

 

 

He sat back down where he had been before and combed out the tangles, brushing it to the side to keep the hair from his eyes. He notice Yoko had put the bottle next to him on the night stand, clearly in his reach. He fought hard not to touch it, as Yoko left, leaving him alone with John.

 

 

“We’ll let ya drink for a few days to get past this and then we’re gonna have to wean you off it. I don’t think cold turkey will do for you at this time.” He informed Paul.

 

 

Paul grabbed the bottle the second John gave him permission. He didn’t care, he needed it. He swallowed as much as he could until he felt John’s hand lower it from his mouth.

 

 

“ Easy, that’s enough for now. You’ve finished nearly half of it.”

He eyed the bottle and put it on the table next to him, after taking a swig himself.

 

“You’re bloody pissed.” He eyed him and then continued.

“ I know you heard what we were talking about before. You have to go to the morgue and sign burial papers and all.”

 

 

Paul nodded, not wanting to think about it.

“I really……rather not.” He state thick tongued and a tone of fear to his voice.  John picked it up .

 

 

“Yoko and me we’ll be right there and I told the lads no press conference. Derrick can deal, that’s what he’s paid for.” He said reassuring Paul.

 

 

Paul could feel the latest assault of alcohol hitting him, lifting him up as he crawled over to John and propped himself up laying his head next to John’s on the pillow.

 

“This was a blatant set up Paul. It’s not your fault. I know that doesn’t help now but hopefully you’ll see it as time goes on.”

 

 

Paul listened, feeling his tears wet the pillow.

 

 

“Eventually, you’ll have to let everything fall into its right place. Let it go.” Then he whispered softer to him.

“Then you’ll let it all go.”

 

 

He would never have treated Paul like this around other people but they we safe and alone he realized. He identified with the feelings going around in Paul’s head.

 

 

Drunk, so his mind was far from thinking clearly, he let some of his torment out. .John had spoken so softly and tenderly to him, when he said “Let in all go.” His mind heard his mum telling him “Let it be son.”  He embraced John tightly and his head rested against his. He shook and cried knowing his mum was there to comfort him.

 

 

John was caught off guard by this and moved Paul’s arms away from his wound but letting them rest around him. He held Paul back, knowing he needed the comfort.

 

Paul could almost see her comforting him. He whined into her shoulder.

 

“I don’t’ even know who I am anymore. I’m a stranger to myself.  The guilt, the grief was for not. I was a fool, why didn’t I see? I just shrank so deep into nothingness I can’t even find me anymore.”

 

 

John listened, feeling his pain. For the first time he was talking and John didn’t want to stop him.

 

“I look in the mirror and I don’t know who that is. I don’t remember him…..I tried so hard.” His crying turned to heavy sobs.

“Tried…..I tried….I don’t’ remember how it even happened. How I allowed her to take me to this dark, cold and lonely place mum.” He wiped his nose on the pillow and went on.

“Mum please tell me what to do……. I can’t move, barely breath, let alone see what to do.”

His voice cracked pitifully.

 

“Mum help me.” He couldn’t speak any longer.

 

 

 

 

John lay there still holding him, but shocked for a minute. Paul had called him mum. He realized it was the mixture of the exhaustion, emotions, being lost and the alcohol that helped fire the delusion. He had been in the same state a few times before, thinking Julia was there and talking to her. He understood what was happening and let it. He didn’t say a word just comforted a drunken Paul as he soon fell asleep along with John.

 

 

 

Yoko looked in, seeing them both asleep . She wasn’t happy about not sleeping with her husband but she understood as she got into the strange empty bed in the guest room.