CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

 

 

 

 

 

            The gentle sound of George’s guitar filled the room. He sung the few verses he had, changing a few words here and there on the note pad he had brought up with him.

It was a good song and he had wished they had put it on their last album. Now, he was changing it around a bit for a later album perhaps. He changed the title to Not Guilty and it sounded a lot better with some of the changes he made to it. He only hoped John and if Paul ever got back to his old self again , would let him put it on their next album. He loved them dearly but sometimes he felt so frustrated with not having as many songs on the albums as they did. He felt he had to fight to get his songs on the albums and when he did they had to approve them. It wasn’t that way for Paul and John who because of how they started were used to having their songs put right down on an album. Some didn’t make it but it wasn’t like his songs. The last few years his song writing had gotten so much better, they would just pop out . He put them all away in a note book hoping against all hope they would be recorded.

 

 

He came out of his deep thought and rested the guitar on his knee.

It was then he noticed he wasn’t alone.

 

“Don’t stop playing.” Paul begged. He had been enjoying listening to George’s music and didn’t want him to stop. He wondered if he would ever be able to play again. Whether the music would ever flow through him as easily as it had before, often coming out in wonderful melodies that had always amazed him. Music was part of his soul, an important part that he missed so much.  Listening to George made him hunger for it again. He had gotten lost in his guitar and his soft voice and it made him sad. He had listened too many of young George’s songs and he realized as he listened to this song how good he really was. At this point anyone was better then him, he had lost his muse and wasn’t sure it would ever come back.

 

 

“Ya scared me there. How long you been listenin?”

 

 

Paul looked over at him and then laid his head against the wall.

“Awhile.”

 

 

“What do you want me to play?” George asked him. He wasn’t sure what to make of this but he didn’t want to scare him away. Maybe he might play too, if he kept going.

 

 

“What do you call that one you were fixin?” he asked head still leaned back with his eyes close.

 

 

“Not Guilty.” He simply answered.

 

 

“Catchy title. Play for me Hari…..Play me one of your sweet soothing songs.” His voice seemed to change as he finished his sentence.

 

 

 To George he sounded like he was drifting far away. He thought maybe the music was calming him. He started playing something else he had started writing. Strumming away and singing his tune; he also became lost in it. When he was done , he saw Paul look over at him a melancholic look on his face.

“You like that one?”

 

 

“Yes “ He said softly.

 

 

“I just started it. It’s called All Things Must Pass.” He smiled with pride.

 

 

 

“Yeah, quite nice that was.” Paul stated in a dreamy voice.

“It seems to go in a full circle, life and death.”

 

“You alright Paul?” George wasn’t sure; he cocked his head as he waited for a response.

 

 

Paul nodded slightly. He rubbed his face and then got up. He walked over to George and sat across form him on the floor.

“Play some more for me Georgie.”

 

 

His stare was a bit uncomforting to George. He could see his features clearly now as he sat across from him. He was still strikingly handsome but that melancholy look seemed to make him look younger almost child like. His big eyes had little life in them, but he saw something in them , something he hadn’t seen in awhile. It was the music, it lulled him. He Played a little more, stealing glances at Paul’s reaction. When he stopped Paul just looked at him as if he were waiting. Waiting for what George wondered. Maybe he was waiting for the music to ignite something in his lost tortured soul.

 

He decided to see. “Ya wanna play along with me?”

 

Paul shook his head sadly. “I can’t ….Its not there anymore.”

 

 

“Sure it is  Paul …….” He thought for a minute.

“Maybe sing with me…..Yer voice would harmonize so well with this new song of mine.” He encouraged.

 

 

“No!” Paul said abruptly, the fear eminent as he got up and stood by the piano.

 

 

George got up sorry he pushed it. Maybe John was right and it would take more time. He walked over to Paul.

 

 

The fear of lose and never getting it back fill Paul with the feeling of doom. He stood with his hands resting flat on the top of the piano, holding his weight.

“Your songs have gotten so much better. Now you and John can share space on the next album.” He said stoic.

 

George sat on the piano bench starring up at Paul, shocked by what he said. He still didn’t want to push at him. Paul was so frail and fragile, he saw a very small piece of him, but the rest was still to child like. He had found that they all treated him to some degree like a child.

 

“No, that wouldn’t suit us; we’ll wait; take it day by day and see.”

 

 

Paul just knew it wouldn’t come back; the thought of trying made the anxiety come back even more. Why couldn’t George have just kept playing? The music had taken him away; gave him momentary peace and now that peace was gone. The walls were pressing in on him again and he suddenly remembered something. He moved to the book shelves, throwing books on the floor until he found what he searched for. He laughed to himself, John hadn’t found this one! He pulled out the half full container from behind the books.

 

 

George didn’t know what to make of the look that was slowly spreading through Paul’s face. He soon realized it was anxiety that started to rise through him and how agitated he was starting to get. He watched Paul move to the book shelves and wondered why he wanted a book. He stood up as the books flew one by one to the floor; he seemed to be searching for something. Then he saw it, a hidden bottle they hadn’t found. He calmly went over and stood in front of Paul, who stood looking at it, like a child who had found the prize. George slowly put out his hand.

 

“Paul…..you been doing so well . Do you really want to do this? “ He looked at his watch and then back at Paul. “Come ead let’s have it and we’ll go down and see John since it’s time anyway.”

 

 

Paul looked from the bottle to George. Back and forth he looked mulling over the situation. Did he really want to do this? Maybe George was right.

 

 

George continued. “ Come now mate you can make this decision not to undo the past several days.” He gave Paul an encouraging look.

 

 

Begrudgingly, Paul handed the bottle over to George who welcomed it; knowing Paul had just made a big step.

 

 

“Come ead , we’ll go find John.” He took the bottle in one hand and pulled a bit at Paul with the other. George was glad that Paul had finally made a good decision . He felt Paul follow him , back in his puppy dog way, down the stairs in search of John.

 

 

 

They came across John coming out of the bath. He had on Jeans , a shirt and was scrubbing his wet hair with a towel, heading down the hall. He looked up at them, still rubbing his head with the towel.

 

“What’s this then?” He pulled the towel from his head, his hair messy and hanging about his shoulders.

 

 

“Paul was listening to me new songs. He likes them. I think I pushed a bit to get him to join me and he found this in behind the books.” George handed John the bottle.

 

 

John raised an eyebrow, silently questioning him.

 

 

“He didn’t drink it . He was gonna but gave it to me instead. I figured it was bout time for him anyway so we came looking for you.”

 

 

In the middle of his explanation Mike had walked over to them and listened intently. He was glad to hear that Paul had given George the drink instead of drinking it himself which only a week ago he would have done.

 

They all slowly made their way to the kitchen. Paul lagged behind, he found himself thinking how easy it was for them to talk about him like he wasn’t even there. Maybe he wasn’t he thought. He felt like a ghost ease dropping on conversations at all different times. He felt out of place, the missing piece of the puzzle that someone lost so it couldn’t be finished. He was edgy as he waited for his pill and as John would say “allotted amount” He scratched his head, lit a cigarette and then fidgeted, not able to stand still.

 

 

John noticed Paul’s actions; he poured a glass and got him a pill. He took a deep breath as the fidgeting continued.

 

 

“Here ya go mate. This should simmer you down a bit.” He handed them to Paul who took it eagerly.

 

 

George started up the conversation again, wanting John to listen to what he started to say before.

 

“Y know Johnny , Paul really seemed to like the songs I wrote. Said I’ve become a real good writer he did. Ya need to listen too. We could use some for that Telly thing next month.”

 

 

John exhaled his smoke and ran his hands through his hair untangling it.

 

“I’m sure there good Georgie. I don’t think Paul’s in any condition to judge any. Besides, our Paulie will be writing again before y know it . Won’t ya Paul.” He looked over to him, dismissing an annoyed George.

 

 

Paul sat against the window sill half listening to what they were talking about . When he heard his name he looked up at John, who was starring at him awaiting an answer. He was surprised at being included in the conversation , he liked it better being a ghost to all of it.

 

“Naww, It’s you and George now. “ He moved uncomfortably towards the exit of the kitchen wanting to get away.

“You two put your songs on the show and album.”

 

John gave a shocked look. He had never thought of just having George and him write and sing. The idea for the show originally came from Paul , who had convinced the others. He thought , just maybe this would spark his interest, but he never thought he’d hear him tell them to do the music with out him.

 

“Yer just saying that now , but I know ya , the songs will come out, yer just not ready yet.”

 

George pulled out of his chair , standing close to John.

“What you don’t think I’m good enough to have my songs up there with the great Lennon and McCartney?” His gander was up. He knew this probably wasn’t the best time for this and maybe he was being too sensitive. John probably was just trying to encourage Paul , but somehow after so long he took it as yet another put down.

 

 

John shook his head.

“Don’t get narked with this Geo…..I’m sure your songs are great. I just think Paul will be writing soon is all. Don’t go getting your knickers in a twist.” He chuckled.

 

 

Paul watched the two. He could see George’s anger rising and John playing it off. He watched Mike sitting there not sure what to do.

 

George starred at John not believing his ears.

“Knickers in a twist eh? If you would just hear me and listen to more then two of my songs per album you might be surprised or is it yer fraid me songs might be one up on ya.”

 

John was tired , his nervous system was on over load as were everyone else’s. He couldn’t believe George was bringing this up now or even at all.

 

 

“Listen Hari……We’ve always let you put songs on the albums.”

 

 

“Oh you’v let me ave ya……Let me is the key word ere! Why do you decide? Huh?”

 

 

He was up against John challenging him. John knew this wasn’t good and if he wasn’t so frayed he might have tried to calm George down.

“Yeah …We started the writtin and we says what’s to be on em! Bloody ell Harrison, what the fuck crawled up yer arse?!” John starred hard at him. He could feel the heat burning and could see the same with George.

 

Paul watched the exchange. He wasn’t there he told himself, he wasn’t there. He slowly backed out of the room. The yelling smacking him in the head , he had to get out of there, he didn’t want to see this , he couldn’t see this.   He backed to the coat rack and tugged at his coat. It didn’t come off the first time and he tugged more urgently on it until it gave way and ripped. He threw it on and went out the front door.

 

 

George’s finger pushed at John’s chest.

“You!!! You bloody bastard  Ya can’t be bothered with me songs can ya. They might be better then yers , can’t have that know can we?”

 

Mike got between them. He wasn’t going to watch them come to blows. He knew they were all worn out and nerves had a lot to do with them fighting instead of talking.

 

 

“I think this has gone far enough. We’re all on nervous edge. Nothing good can come of this. “

He felt the two bodies press against him and not letting up.

“You want a punch up is it?”

He looked from one to the other, waiting to see who would back down. He hoped George would come to his senses since he was the more logical one and John ran more on impulse.

 

 

George knew Mike was right, but if he backed down Lennon would win again. He didn’t know what to do. He was surprised when John broke it off first and moved away waving his hands.

 

“Yer right ……Yer right Mike . Me nerves are raw Hari. Let’s table this fer another time. A time when things are calmer not so nesh………” He lit a cigarette and slumped back into the chair.

 

 

Mike looked up at George. He saw the younger man blink in disbelief. Then drop back into his chair.

 

“Spose yer right Mike. Can’t be brawlin ……we’ll talk later.”

 

 

 

Mike nodded satisfied that they both backed down. He stood there for a moment and wondered if this is how Ritch must feel. Many a time he had seen Ritch come between two of the three when their tempers flared.

 

 

 

They heard a noise as the front door closed. Ringo came into the kitchen. He could feel the tension and looked at George and John.

 

‘What’s goin on ?” He asked

 

 

Mike volunteered the answer as he sat down with the rest.

“They were comin to blows with each other. Raw nerves, with everything that’s been goin.”

 

 

Ringo nodded. “Bout what ?”

 

 

 

John and George looked at one another.

“Songs.” They said in unison and then started laughing about saying it at the same time.

 

 

“The telly show is it? The songs I mean.” Ringo inquired.

 

 

“Yeah , Paul’s got it in his head that he’ll never write again and that George and me we have to fill in the songs.” John explained.

 

“So what are we gonna do if he doesn’t get it back by then. Go back into the dream of the past?” Ringo asked.

 

John and George looked up at him, not knowing what he was talking about.

 

“What?” Again they stated in unison and then looked at each other.

 

 

“Querkie wasn’t that.” John said to George.

 

 

“Funny isn’t it sometimes we are all thinkin the same.” George said to John then looked back at Ringo.

“Now what did cha mean by the dream past thingy?”

 

 

“Oh well when Stu couldn’t play he faked it….I just meant we can’t go on with out Paul and if he doesn’t get it back, we gonna have him do the same?” Ringo shrugged.

 

 

“He’ll get it back There’ll be no negativity here . We won’t be havin that. He will play and sing and all that rubbish.” John assured him.

 

 

 

  Mike looked around and noticed Paul had gone.

 

 

“Where’s Paul?” Mike asked looking at them.

 

 

 

“Dunno, he was here a bit ago.” John commented.

 

 

Mike got up and the rest followed as they looked around the house and didn’t find him.

 

“Where could he have gone?” Mike asked with worry.

 

 

“God only knows where he’s lurkin about.” John took a second look at the coat rack.

“He’s gone out he has.” He pointed over to where Paul’s coat had been hung and now was missing.

 

 

“We gotta find him!” Mike voice was distraught.

 

They all took their jackets and started for the front door when Ringo called them to the back door in the kitchen.

 

“He’s out there, in the dome thing.” He nodded towards the door.

 

They all trudged out the back to the dome building that had been built less then a year ago in the back garden.  It was a glass geodesic dome with a circular floor encasing you in glass. Paul had had it built for meditation for all of them to enjoy. They could see him sitting on the round bed that was in the dome. They walked in and circled the one side of the bed.

 

 

“What are you doin in here Paul?” Mike asked

 

 

Paul lay back looking up at the sky.

“I got this bed from Alice Cooper . He sent it to me from L.A.  Said he got it from Groucho Marx and he didn’t know what to do with it. Said it would fit perfect in here. So he sent it on. You can see the stars at night out here.“   Paul rambled on not answering or hardly hearing the question.

 

 

They looked from one to the other. Then John sat down next to him.

 

“So Alice give you the bed did he? I didn’t know that.”

 

 

Paul continued. “ He sent it with a note from him and Groucho saying  May all your stains be large ones. Sent it as a wedding gift said he didn’t have any luck in it and hope we’d have better.” He said with detachment in his voice.

 

 

Rain started falling making patterns on the roof as the drops ran down the sides. It almost seemed as if he was in one big rain drop Paul thought as his mind drifted away from anything important.

 

 

“Come on let’s get you in. It’s raining out and we’re gonna get soaked and it’s cold in here.” Mike suggested.

 

 

“Being in here is like being in a drop of rain itin it?” Paul asked no one unparticular.

 

 

Ringo sat down along with John and then he lay down with Paul.

“Y know e’s right. From this angle it seems.”

 

 

“Well I’m heading in to the house. Anyone coming?” Mike asked.

 

“Don’t be such a stuffed shirt Mike .” George joined them , there wasn’t much room but they made due as they lay silently watching the rain.

 

 

Mike went into the house , he was cold and hungry. He figured they’d come in for tea.  He starred out the window watching them for a minute then realized Yoko had put on the kettle and was sitting reading the paper.

 

“Their all watching the rain in the dome, so I thought I’d come get warm, fancied some tea and biscuits.”

 

 

Yoko nodded and put her paper down.

“I saw and figured some tea was in order. There are some biscuits in the cupboard if you want.”

 

 

He took them down and laid them out on a dish to share with her. He fixed tea for both of them and put it to the table.

 

“You think he’s getting better at all? Sometimes I think I see a glimpse of him and other times he just talks out of his head .”

 

 

Yoko gave Mike a reassuring look.

“Michael, you do see him at times, he’s there, just like a turtle he pops in and out. Depends on the atmosphere as to when , but he will come out. It’s going to take time for him to trust enough to stay out. Time Michael is a dirty four letter word.”

 

 

He thought about what she said . It made sense to him and he had never thought of time in that way. She was right. John was lucky to have met such a wise woman. She countered him, balance him out. He might be street wise but she was wise with wisdom and he could see why John had become intrigued by her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

 

 

 

 

 

Cynthia was just finishing up the last of her packing when she realized she was being watched. She turned to see Roberto at the doorway watching her with sad eyes.

 

 

“Roberto, I was just finishing up.” She said closing the suit case.

 

 

“You leave to go to him. I do not understand this.” He walked over to her and took a sit on the bed.

 

 

“You know I wasn’t staying forever. I told you that. Roberto you are so dear to me but I love him and I have to see that he is ok.” She stood there hoping he would understand.

She knew his feelings for her and didn’t want him to hurt. She had to go . Every part of her knew she had to be with him. The feelings were so strong urging her on . She had a need to see him and if he let her, help him. She loved him more then she could ever imagine and she didn’t care what she had to sacrifice. Her love burned for him even after all these months. It seemed to get stronger instead of weaker. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and she knew that saying was true for her at least.

 

 

“What if he does not want you? You say John tells you he is in a very bad way.” He wanted her to stay. He didn’t want her to go back and get hurt with rejection.

 

 

“Then I will fight for him. I will do what it takes and if I have to wait I will. “ She stroked his face and gave him a tender look.

“Roberto, I love him…..Please understand this.”

 

 

“No , I can not understand a fool of yourself you make. John told me how he is and is just as concerned. He tells me… the way he will be with you he is unsure.”

 

 

“You spoke to John?”

 

 

“Yes, I give you message about the airport. I talked to him. He says your Paul is despondent, depressed and he can’t do for himself so how will he do for you?”

 

 

“I will go to him. If he turns me away I will keep coming back until he knows I love him and will never do what she did.”

 

 

Roberto shook his head. “ Why he would think this? You have to prove you are not like that crazy one?”

 

“He isn’t thinking right and with the dreams and all …..Well yes he may not want me around at first but I am alright with that.”

 

 

“And the boy ? You will not bring him there , your John assures me of it.” He stated concerned for Julian as well.

 

 

“Paul would never hurt Julian…..But Julian wouldn’t understand ….so no he will not see Paul right now.”

 

 

She was growing tired of the conversation. She picked up her bags and put them in the hall. He stood up and helped her. She looked up in to his eyes and stood up on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek.

 

“I can’t thank you and your family enough for your support and friendship. I will miss you and your family but I’ll write and call, like I always have.” She smiled at him and looked down at her watch.

“I have to go and get Julian our ride will be here soon.”

 

 

“I bring your bags down. “ he gave a heavy sigh and then embraced her in a hug, kissing  the top of her head.

“You be careful. You know you and Julian will be welcome here always.”

 

 

She nodded and smiled at him. She then left to go find Julian and leave for London.

 

 

 

 

The next day was warm for the first week of December. It was quiet and Mike with the others had gotten Paul to eat some the past few days. He was concerned that at times Paul would rid himself of the food shortly after eating and he didn’t think Paul realized he had noticed.

He was thinking how he could stop this when the phone rang making him jump. He answered it.

 

 

“Hullo?”

 

 

“Michael?”

 

 

“Dad? Yes, it’s me.” Mike had been in touch with his father the first few days he had been there. He hadn’t thought to call the last two. He had told his father how Paul was omitting some of the worse parts. Jim had asked to talk to Paul every time and Mike had been running out of excuses. He knew his father was worried sick, but Paul wouldn’t talk to him. Mike knew he wasn’t able to and would never be able to convince the older McCartney that he was alright.

 

 

“Son , you haven’t rang in a few days. Everything alright?”

 

 

“A yes dad , I’m sorry just busy getting things back to normal is all.” Mike said trying to convince his dad. It didn’t work.             

 

 

Jim knew his son well enough to know he was holding back. He knew both of his children better then they thought he did. He always knew when something was up and would know as a parent does that there was more, he just wouldn’t let on that he knew. 

There were times he did this so they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable but would say things in a round about way that might help them. This time he wasn’t going to play that game. He wanted to know what was going on and talk to his eldest son.

 

 

“There’s more going on then you are letting on about. I want to talk to your brother and I will not take no for an answer this time. If you don’t let me talk to him now I will be forced to come down and see him for myself.” Jim said adamantly.

 

 

Mike didn’t know how he was going to get out of this one. The last thing they needed was Jim showing up. He had no choice but to get Paul.

 

 

“Alright dad just hold on I have to find him.”

 

 

Paul had taken to spending time in his dome and Mike could see him from the window. He walked out to the building. He looked at Paul laying down, just watching; what, he didn’t know. He cleared his throat to let Paul know he was there.

 

“Paul, dad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.”

 

Paul stirred and sat half up on his elbow.

“I can’t Mike …not yet anyways. Tell him something would you?”

 

 

Mike looked at him seriously. “He wouldn’t take no for an answer, says he’ll be down here right away if you don’t get on. Talk to him Paul or you will be seein him soon.”

 

 

Paul became very uneasy. He thought how hard it would be to talk to his dad, but seeing him would be harder. He reluctantly got up. He ran his hand nervously threw his hair.

 

“How can I do this Mike? He’ll see , I know he will.” Paul turned to Mike for an answer.

 

 

“You have to Paul. Now he is waiting, go to it .” He  patted Paul on the shoulder as they walked out.  Coming into the kitchen , Paul looked back at Mike for reassurance.

 

“Chin up , you can do it now go.” He whispered to him.

 

 

Paul looked at the phone as if it was a snake ready to bit him. Anxiety made him shake; he didn’t know if he could pull off this charade. He slowly picked up the phone and looked at it. He swallowed hard then held it up to his ear. He waited a minute before saying anything, hearing his dad’s voice answering a question his step-sister had asked.

 

 

“umm Dad?”

 

 

“Paul, well finally son I have been so worried about you and nobody would let me talk to you. ……..How are you son?” Jim was relieved to be talking to his boy.

 

 

Paul took a deep breath and looked back over to the younger McCartney before answering the senior McCartney.

 

“I’m alright dad. Really, don’t go fussing about me. Mike and the lads have been taking care of things for me.” He said trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice.

 

 

 

Jim was no fool and he heard Paul’s unsteadiness.

“Don’t lie to me son. You aren’t alright I can hear it.”

 

 

Paul looked down at the floor as if he were still the boy his father would talk to.

 

 

“No, maybe your right sir. “ Christ why did he say it like that, he thought.

 

 

“Paul I want you to tell me what is going on with you. I want the truth too.” Jim waited patiently for his son to continue.

 

 

Paul felt like he would cry and spill his guts out to him. For the first time he wished his dad was there to hold him, making everything alright , just like he did when he was a child.

 

 

“Da? “ His voice became shaky. “You don’t think less of me do you?”

 

 

“No son I could never. I know she tricked you. She did a number on you that would shred any man. You can tell me anything you know that.” He reassured his eldest son.

 

 

“Right.” Paul pushed the hair from his eyes and took the phone cord around the wall for privacy.

“It’s not good da. I’m a mess and I…..aa….I’ve been haven these dreams. Horrible dreams da……about her and the baby. I don’t feel so good. My insides feel so sick and everyone’s been helpin. Mike’s been sleepin in the same room helpin with the dreams and all. I can’t write, sing or play anymore. “ His tears began to fall as he continue with his confessional to his father.

 

“I’m really sorry I haven’t talked to you in a long time. I….I haven’t been myself for a long time. I   …..I think I’m lost da. I can’t find my way home.” He stopped to pull himself together.

 

 

Jim’s voice stayed soft and calm. “Son, it’s alright . Everyone loses their way sometimes.” Jim had a feeling his son had been drowning himself in drink.

“You can’t hide in a bottle and unfortunately you can’t run from it. Chin up my boy you have to face it or it will never go away. I think then your music will come back to you. Your just haven’t got any self confidence is all.”

 

 

“You think so?” he sniffled.

He felt ashamed at crying to his dad but he just couldn’t help it.

 

 

“Yes, son I do and cutting yourself from you family certainly doesn’t help. Time my son is what is needed here. You must give us a bell, I will not go with out talking to you for so long again, that will never do.” He told Paul. He could hear him crying and like any parent just wanted to fix it for him.

 

 

“I never meant to bodge it da. I thought it would get better, instead it got worse. “

 

 

“You must promise me son you will stay away from the liquor. You can face this and you will come back. You had a horrible time of it. When your mum died, well I cried and as your mum said that was God cleansing the soul. “

 

 

“I wonder sometimes…..I’ve cried so much I thought I had no more tears left……but they still come.” He admitted.

 

 

“And come they will. That doesn’t mean your any less of a man, Paul.” Jim said comfortingly.

 

 

“I can’t think …..y know put things together……things get unfocused and the lads have to think for me. I’m better then I was but at first they had to tell me everything and I just followed.” He told him concerned.

 

 

“Paul you’re a good lad and I feel this quite normal after the hard lines you’ve been through. You are very fortunate to have friends like you do. Also, remember you are fortunate to have family that loves you and your brother taking time off to help you heal must show you this.” He wanted him to know some of the good thing he still had. He no longer wanted to be cut off from his son , he never wanted it and didn’t understand it until Sandy had died .

 

 

Paul was too choked up at this point to talk. He missed talking to his dad and hearing his wisdom. His hearts swelled with the love he had for his father, but he just couldn’t talk anymore. He finished up with choked up words.

 

“I ….love….ya da.” He quickly came back in the room and handed the phone to Mike and went back outside.

 

 

“Son?  You there son?” Jim spoke urgently in to the phone. His son was even worse then he had thought.

 

 

“Dad its Mike.”

 

 

“Where’s Paul gone?”

 

 

“He was to upset to talk anymore.” Mike admitted.

 

 

“I don’t want to be kept in the dark any longer. He needs a lot of help and his confidence is gone. It broke my heart to hear him say what he told me. How lost he is. Michael you listen to me and keep helping your brother find his way home. You’re doing a fantastic job looking out for him. You’re mum would be proud.”

 

 

“Pardon?” Mike asked confused.

 

 

“He told me he couldn’t find his way home Mike. He has lost himself and all of you must help him any way you can to look deep inside and pull him out. Now I am going to ring off. Give us a bell; now, I wouldn’t stand not hearing anything. Do I make myself clear son?”

 

 

“Yes dad, I just didn’t want to get you more upset is all.” Mike felt guilty as he explained.

 

 

“No worry in that, if you ring….Now go to him and Michael…..you’re doing good son.” Jim ended the conversation on a note that made Mike feel better. He hung up the phone. Wondering why he had waited and why he didn’t just tell his father the whole story to begin with.

 

 

 

 

He found Paul sitting on the back steps. He had stopped crying and was in deep thought.

Mike sat down next to him and lit two cigarettes, handing him one.

 

 

“How ya feelin after talkin to dad?”

 

 

“I didn’t mean to spill so much to him. I know he knew what I was doin and it felt good to hear him. Y know like when we were kids how he and mum could make some order to things.” He drew on his smoke.

 

 

“Yeah, He is good that way. Always knew when we were in stuff. Now that I’m a father I can see it even more.  We did get in to it a lot didn’t we?” Mike laughed at the thought.

 

 

 

Paul smiled at the thought of being young and carefree. He forgot what he was thinking about and let his mind drift to the past and how things were.

 

 

“We’d get on his last wick sometimes . He’d yell at us remember?” He smiled to Mike.

 

 

“Yup…..He’d say……”

They both joined in unison.

“Stop gallivanting the two of you.” They laughed harder at the memories.

 

They began pushing at each other. This Paul could handle the familiarity was easy to fall back into. They stood and started pushing harder at each other until one was chasing the other around the garden. Laughing Paul pulled Mike to the ground and they began to wrestle like they did as kids.

 

 

Mike saw Paul’s face a glow as they lived in the past. He let Paul get him into a hold the way he did when they were younger and Mike was smaller then him. The life shining in his eyes and it was worth it just to see that. Besides he thought, he was enjoying the comforting feeling as much as Paul and this was the most life he had seen in him in a while.