CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

 

 

 

 

 

London was just as she had quickly left it all those months ago. Except it was now December and although the day before had been unusually warm for this time of year, the weather had gone back to the chill she was familiar with. John and Yoko had met her at Julian’s school to reregister him. Afterward, they took him to Ringo’s to play with Zak. It was to cold to do much of anything with Julian and John needed to get away from Cavendish for awhile. The boys played while the adults drank some hot tea, warming them from the outside.

 

 

Mo brought in some biscuits and sandwiches to go with the tea, putting it down on the table by the couch.

 

 

“I thought some sardies were in order.” She smiled as she set it down.

 

 

Mo felt uncomfortable with Yoko there. She didn’t know her well and wanted to catch up with Cyn. She didn’t want to leave Yoko out , but Yoko wasn’t your average Beatle girl or wife. She sat down next to her husband and was unusually quiet, listening to them talk about various things.

 

 

Cyn noticed this and motioned for them to go to the kitchen.

 

 

“Come to the kitchen you two. Let’s leave the guys talk and they can watch the children. The baby’s asleep Mo so come let’s catch up.”

 

 

They went in the kitchen and sat with their tea and cigarettes around the table.

 

 

“So let’s have it then . What happened with Roberto?” Mo asked straight out.

 

 

“Yoko met Roberto when they came to Italy for a holiday. What did you think?” Cynthia asked looking to the older woman for her opinion and trying to include her in the conversation.

 

 

Yoko felt equally as awkward. She was used to being with John and the guys, not sitting with the women being conventional. She figured she’d make the most of it for the time being. It was better then John being alone with Cynthia.

 

 

“I thought him quite charming. I do think Paul is better for you .Well maybe not at this moment but when he gets it back. It will take some time though.” She spoke directly to Cyn avoiding Mo.

 

 

“I think so too. They make a handsome couple they do. I just want to know about this man who fancies you so.” Mo smiled teasingly.

 

 

“Roberto…..He is a wonderful , thoughtful , gentle and kind man. “ She laughed at describing the perfect man.

 

 

“He sounds great and he just let you go ? Didn’t make a move on ya ? He’s a gentleman is he.” She looked from Yoko to Cynthia.

 

 

“Yes, he is quite intelligent. I enjoyed talking with him when we stayed there. If Paul didn’t work out I would tell you to try it with him.” She hated this trivia conversation, so female and typical stereotyping. Yoko just humored them.

 

 

“He really didn’t want me to go . I felt so bad; I never wanted to hurt him. I just had to come back and see Paul. I’m going later after we drop Julian off at my mum’s. John and Yoko needed a break, they been there for a week in a half is it?” She looked at Yoko for confirmation.

 

 

“Yes, It’s been very trying on poor John and Mike. Paul has these dreams and they are horrible. Every night he wakes from them. He doesn’t eat well , he’s very introverted and you know that isn’t him at all. He has gotten better though. You can see the old him for a few minutes here and there. It’s just a spark but it is encouraging.” Yoko explained.

 

 

“Ritchie says it’s bloody sad to see. He can’t play, write or even sing anymore. They don’t know what their gonna do for the telly show. They start practicing in January and that’s all being shot for a documentary of some kind.” Mo wasn’t sure; she had enough to keep up with having the kids and the house. It was hard to remember some of the things Ritch had told her.

 

 

“He sounds a mess. I want to be there for him and I am so nervous. Everything you and John have said. I don’t know how he will be with me. I just want to hold him and tell him it’s ok. I don’t think he’ll let me though.” She said sadly.

 

 

“I’m not sure he will connect with you at first. If he doesn’t don’t give up, keep trying everyday until he does.” Yoko encouraged. She had her own agenda, to keep Cynthia away from John so nothing romantic could happen. She wanted her back with Paul and hoped that seeing her would help him.

 

 

“I hope ya don’t get hurt luv. He’s a handful that one is.” Mo pointed out.

 

 

“I know but I love him really I do and I’ll do want needs to be done is all.” Cynthia was very adamant about that.

 

 

They chatted for about an hour when John , Ritch , Julian and Zak came in to the kitchen.

Ritch put the dishes in the sink for Mo to wash up. John put Julian’s jacket on.

 

 

“Well gals it’s time to go.” John chirped. He knew Yoko didn’t care for the girl talk and he gave her a grateful squeeze on the shoulder, making her look up at him. He mouthed thank you to her and he knew she understood.

 

After dropping Julian off at Cynthia’s mum they started towards Cavendish. Cyn was nervous and excited at the same time. She hadn’t seen Paul in so long, she knew he wasn’t the same but she ached for him.

 

 

“I’m so nervous. You really think he will reject me?”

 

 

“Yeah well Macca’s different , I told you that and told you to wait. Your just so soft on our boy , but I understand. If he tells you to sod off just keep coming back and he will again become familiar with ya. Don’t give up , this is what you wanted and in the long run I think what he needs. Just gonna take time is all.” John explained to her.

 

He hoped it would be alright and Paul wouldn’t go into one of his rages. He could be so unpredictable at times. John had plans for him though. After seeing him yesterday with Mike and learning of his talk with Jim, he knew Paul wouldn’t have to go to a hospital. Mike and he were worried about that for a few days and after yesterday John was more determine then ever that he wouldn’t be hospitalized. Paul’s moods were changeable to say the least but he was controllable and Sandy had seen to that one. Shame he thought , she could control him so and now they saw how with certain words or raising of the voice he’d back off. It reminded him of Pavlov’s dogs, unreal.

 

 

They drove in , the gatebirds were light , only the real faithful were there. He felt sorry for them but not enough to go out to them. Ringo did though; he felt if they were holding a vigil that they should know something. He didn’t get into a great deal but told them enough to keep them happy.  George didn’t go out there either , thinking them a nuisance at a time when there were other things to consider.

 

 

 

They got out of the car and John told Les to come in for tea , not knowing how long Cynthia would stay. They came in and Mike saw her immediately. He came over and brought her into a big hug sealing it with a kiss.

 

 

“I’m so glad you’re here luv. I hope he is as well.” He smiled taking her at arms length and looking her up and down.

 

“Boy you’re a sight for sore eyes. Y know yer lookin smashing.” He commented.

 

 

Cynthia cocked her head with a smile. “Well I see it didn’t take you long to drop back into a little scouse .” she laughed.

 

 

“Yeah mum wouldn’t be to chuffed at this one.” He gave her a coy smile.

 

 

“Yes , your not speaking the Queen’s English there Michael.”

 

“Don’t think me a nancy boy now, being with these scousers it comes rather fast.” He smiled bringing her in for another hug.

 

 

“Where is he Mike?”

 

 

“John told you how he is and what he’s been lookin like ?” Mike asked worried.

 

 

“Yes, he did. I am ready. I’d like to see him.” She looked around for a minute , wondering where he’d be.

 

 

“He’s around , takes most of his time in that dome house in the garden. Don’t know what he sees in it maybe some quiet time. I sure the hell don’t know.” He confided in her.

He looked to John and they walked her outside to the dome.

 

 

She saw him laying on his stomach with a pad, doodling something. They walked in , he didn’t even look up , which she thought strange.

 

 

“Paulie? Eh ya got ya some company here.” John told him.

 

 

He took a minute, maybe he was finishing up what he was doing or maybe he didn’t hear him right away . Cynthia didn’t know, all she knew was her heart was racing and she had to fight the feeling to run over to him.

 

 

He turned and looked at her blankly. He starred for a minute and then sat up half way on his elbow. He didn’t want company, but as he looked at her he realize it was Cynthia. Her blond hair shining with the light that poured in through the glass. He saw how her face covered the shock of how he looked. He bit his lip and looked down. He knew he looked bad but didn’t care, he didn’t ask her there. Then he wondered what could she want?

 

 

“Hi Paul.” She said simply.

 

 

He looked back to her.

“What are you doin here Cyn?” He asked with out a hint of emotion.

 

 

“I wanted to see you. See how you are. I’ve been worried.” The words came out fast and she knew she needed to calm down.

 

 

“Well you’ve seen me .” He turned back to what he was doing.

 

 

John raised his eyebrow at this looking at Mike and Cyn. Cynthia knew she shouldn’t expect more at their first meeting. She was sad, the way he looked and acted: the lack of emotion along with his dark sunken eyes and drawn face and how much weight he had lost.  She didn’t know where to go with this. She walked slowly over to the bed and sat on the edge.

 

 

“What are you doing ? drawing?” She asked not sure of what to say at this point but the obvious.

 

 

He drew in a deep breath and reach over for his cigarettes. He lit one and then looked to John.

“Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?”

 

 

“Didn’t know how you would take it and she really needed to see you were alright mate.” John answered straight out .

 

 

“I don’t think you should be here. You saw me now go. My brother and the lads are helpin me .” His words came out in a stream with underlying anger.

 

 

“I see. I would like to come back and visit.” She figured she’d ask first this time. She knew his answer but that wouldn’t stop her from coming back.

 

 

“No” he said curtly.

 

 

“I’m sorry Paul I am coming back. I still love you very much.” She watched him carefully for a reaction to what she admitted to.

 

 

He turned and got up. His agitation was very noticeable at this point as he smoked and paced around.

 

 

“That’s not a good idea. No it’s not a good idea at all. She wouldn’t ………..” he trailed off thinking. His head spun with words from Sandy, things she would have said to him if she saw Cyn there and he shook a little at the thought.

 

 

 

“She’s dead Paul; don’t get so wound up about it. Cyn loves you .” John admonished.

 

 

He turned quickly looking at John, his eyes wide. He knew she was dead but felt her watching him almost all the time and it would come out in the dreams that scared him so much he hated to sleep.

 

 

“ Don’t you think I know that you wanker! She does see, I tell you ! You don’t know, don’t know ……..” He lit another cigarette. He felt cornered , trapped and he hated that feeling of helplessness.

“You tell me again she loves me? STOP IT! JUST FOOKI N STOP IT!!!!!!!” He cried falling to a sitting position on the floor. He felt that small feeling again. He wanted to crawl away and disappear, be that ghost and be left alone. He didn’t want to hear that she still loved him. He knew deep down he still loved her but was too afraid to admit it and take the wrath that would come with it. He drew his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. He didn’t trust it and wanted to be alone.

 

 

Mike knelt down to him. “Paulie, she does……I know you do too. It’s alright, really she’ll go for now but she IS coming back.”

 

 

Paul shook his head and buried it in his knees, not wanting them to see him cry yet again. He absentmindedly dropped his cigarette to the floor. Mike picked it up and reached to the ashtray and put it out.

 

 

“John I think you should take Cyn out for now. You can come back again luv. Maybe tomorrow alright?”

 

She nodded and followed John out of the dome.

 

 

They walked into the house quietly. He felt bad but knew something like this would happen.

 

“Cyn it’s only been a few weeks. He needs time. I tried to tell you that one. “

 

She nodded dabbing the tears from her eyes.

 

Yoko looked to them and could only imagine what happened.

“Don’t give up on him Cyn. Come back tomorrow and just keep trying until he can’t fight you anymore or his feeling. I think that is what is needed. His feelings must come through for him to heal more.” She nodded knowing in her heart he needed Cynthia to help him.

 

 

“Yes I will. I will come back everyday if I have to. Until we can at least talk, it’s just I have never seen him like this is all. I’ll be ok , I know he loves me.” She picked up her purse and coat, leaving with Les as quickly as possible so they wouldn’t see the affect seeing him like that had on her.

 

 Safely in the back of the car she wept; she wept for him, a man who was once vibrant, extroverted, and talented now reduced to a shell of the man she knew. She also wept for herself and the love that they had shared, now just a memory. She was determined to get him and it back. It didn’t matter how long it took, she would be as diligent as the rest of them and she would have him back.

 

 

“You really think that’s it Mother? I mean what you said to Cyn” John asked inquisitively.

 

“Yes, I most defiantly do. She must keep coming. She will help him a lot in the future.”

She smiled and got up to kiss her worried husband.

“All will go as it must, just remember that. His love for her scares him now but it will save him , you will see.” She wrapped her arms around him.

 

 

He soaked up her love and strength and knew she was right. She had to be, although he had never told her he knew she knew of his fears. His fears of losing Paul forever in that dark void that Sandy had led him into. He tried not to show it but the fear was there. He fought even harder when it came, to pull Paul out of that void. He also knew that they couldn’t do it without Cynthia’s help and came to the same revelation as Yoko about it.

It made sense to him, after all Yoko had saved him and wasn’t he the one who preached Love Is All You Need. Yes, he saw Paul’s reaction; Cyn was the only one who could reach that far down inside him. Time that blasted word again , he thought and hoped it would be soon. He had told the others that Paul would be ready for the January date , but lately he wasn’t quite sure.

 

 

 

 

 

After Cynthia and John had left, Mike pulled a reluctant Paul up and sat him on the bed. He hated seeing his brother like this. His reaction had confused him. He knew Paul still loved Cynthia very much and was surprised at the claim Sandy still had on him. He looked at the pad that lay on the bed. He picked it up as he glanced at Paul who still sat there, pushed back inside himself. It made him think of what Yoko had said; two steps forward one step back. Well, he had definitely stepped that one step back.

He studied the picture; it was the same picture through out the whole book. He was a talented drawer but this one picture that he was fixated on he could do with out.

 

 

He imagined it must be the picture of what he dreamt at night. The cold room, a ray of light hitting on a shelf that held a jar with something in it, probably the baby he thought. There was also a huge demonic figure hovering over a small body huddled in a corner. Christ he thought, you didn’t have to be Freud to figure out what this picture meant. They were all exactly the same through out the book. He threw it down on the bed and knelt before his brother.

 

 

 

 

“Paul?” He starred into empty eyes.

 

 

“PAUL!” He shook him .

 

 

 

Seeing Cynthia again shocked and confused him. He had heard them talk, not aware of him listening that she was in Italy with Roberto. He remembered a few months back talking to John on the phone and he had reassured Paul that Cynthia still loved him. His mind had a habit of listening then fading out and not hearing the rest of what they said. He only heard of Roberto’s feelings for her and didn’t remember anything else of the conversation. She had looked like an angel the way the light had hit her and he had to fight with himself to keep it inside. He could feel Sandy all around him yelling at him to get her out of there, to leave her alone and the threat of knowing Sandy’s retribution was coming was too much for him. He promised her he wouldn’t think of Cynthia and yet her angel presence had appeared to him. He had started to wonder if she was just a dream teasing him while the demon tore at his soul. A sick retching pain that started in the pit of his stomach threatening to eat him alive as it crawled up into his brain. He felt dizzy and sick. He wanted to run; he wanted to crawl back in that bottle and most of all he just wanted to be left alone. The last week he had hid away in his dome, drifting and trying not to feel; but there were times he had to, when he spoke to his father or at night when the monster would invade his dreams. He just tried to stay alive to exist in his own haunted world. 

 

 

Paul slowly focused on his brother, who was holding him by the shoulders. His words echoed in Paul’s head bringing him back to Mike’s reality.

 

“What?” Paul heard himself whisper to answer his brother.

Mike became alarmed; not only by his brother’s behavior but by that note pad that starred up at him. He pulled Paul to his feet and grabbed the pad, bringing both into the house.

 

 

 

John and Yoko look up as Mike came in with Paul. Mike sat him down; he sat in his zombie state and Mike put the pad down on the table in front of John and Yoko.

 

 

“This what he’s been drawin?” John asked as he starred at the morbid picture that starred back at him.

 

 

“Yeah, the book is the same picture, every bleedin page of it.” Mike sighed, not knowing what to do.

 

 

“He doesn’t look to good does he? Perhaps, something fer his nerves would be good bout now.” John rose from his chair looking back at the picture then disappeared and came back. He looked down at Paul, his fear rising again at the state of his friend. He looked like the night he came to him after Sandy’s death. God, he hoped he hadn’t reverted back that far. He tapped Paul who automatically looked up and took what John gave him. He swallowed it back and finished the drink, instantly wanting more.

 

 

“I want more.” He said in a trance like state.

 

 

“No more Paulie, come ead ya gonna feel tops in a bit.” John smiled at him and tousled his hair.

 

 

 

“We gotta get him out of this state.” Mike said excitedly.

 

 

 

Yoko had looked at the book , at Paul and at how the two were reacting to this. She got up and knelt down to meet Paul’s eyes.

 

“You will be alright , just fight those demons that pull at you. You will win , you are strong deep inside and it will come out. Cynthia was real and Sandy is no longer. Sandy lives only in your head and that’s what must be fought.” She gently brushed her hand along Paul’s face. The others watched as Paul leaned in to her hand.

 

“He’ll be alright. He just needs some time. Although I fear he will have a worse Nightmare tonight than ever. “ She kept her hand on his face and turned to look up at John.

 

“He needs to be touched, warmth and love. Take him to the music room and play for him……hold him …..he’ll will beok.”  Yoko released her hand from him and it was noticeably missed. She got up and motioned for John to take him.

 

 

 

                                                CHAPTER-FORTY

 

 

 

 

 

They took him to the music room. John picked up the guitar, something he hadn’t done in a few weeks. He felt the familiarity come back to him as he sat by Paul and played something soothing. Mike held him, letting his head rest on his shoulder. Yoko was right; John was always amazed at how intuitive she could be. An hour went by and Paul began to perk up through out the time span. He watched John with interest; watching his fingers on the guitar and his mouth as he sang. He finished a song and was retuning his guitar when Paul spoke.

 

 

“Ta I liked that. George …..Will he play too?  You and him should play ……….all things must pass it is a rather nice song.” His tone was dreamy and calm.

 

 

He shocked both Mike and John when he spoke. John looked to the phone by the piano.

 

“Ya want I should call him?” John questioned.

 

Paul nodded. That’s all it took John ran to the phone and told George and Ringo to come right over and up to the music room. He told George to bring his guitar and the song Paul had mentioned. With in twenty minutes the group and Mike were up in the music room. Ringo had a tambourine and George had brought his guitar. They all hoped maybe Paul would join in but they wouldn’t push it.

 

 

 

George played All Things Must Pass for John showing him the chords. They went over it a few times while Ringo listened to see what he could do. While they practiced it he noticed a small smile on Paul’s face as he watched George show John his song and happy that John was taking an interest. Paul’s eyes were drooping as he fought to stay awake. Ringo looked from Paul to the other two and it hit him. Paul was in more control at this moment then they all knew. The fight the other day for John to hear George’s song suddenly entered Ringo’s mind; Paul set this up. Maybe he had been out of sorts but he seemed to be back enough to know how to get John to listen and he could see it made George very happy. Ringo realized with that small smile and remembering how he reacted to the fight between George and John that Paul in his small way made it possible.

 

 

 

 

They played the song over and over again. John started singing harmonies with George singing lead. The sound of the guitars wove together along with the voices and Ringo’s tambourine keeping the beat. John was impressed with the beauty and simplicity of the song.

 

 

“Hari…..I gotta say you’re a bloody genius……the songs a winner really quiet nice….” John smiled at a beaming George.

 

 

“Y know now that we’ve worked it out a bit we could put it on the album.” George suggested hopefully.

 

 

“Yeah , right nice it would be……I have a song that has the same feel to it….called Across the Universe . “ John laughed.

 

 

“Another conception album you two thinking?” Ringo joined in the laughter.

 

 

“The earth and the universe…..quiet catchy ya think?” John winked at them.

 

 

“I can see the press at us now…..The Beatles go all natural with The Earth and the Universe….” George’s grin grew as he finished.

 

 

“ I have just the photos for it…..We can all get stark naked y know all naturALLL….” John snickerd.

 

 

 

“Get stuffed Johnny I aint posin fer none of yer bleedin naked pictures.” Ringo teased him.

 

 

“AAA come ead Ritch ….Yoko and me , we did it…..where’s your sense of adventure lad?” John got up and went to Ringo feeling his arms he continued.

“And a quite nice physical stature ya have there mate. Look good on a cover.”

 

“Don’t be cheeky.” Ringo ribbed him as he sat back down.

 

 

“And me am I chopped liver?”. George asked joking along.

 

 

“No son you’re a chopped luver….” John jumped in making kiss faces at him.

 

 

“I think you’ve all gone stark raven.” Mike laughed.

 

 

Paul got up and smiled a sedated smile at them.

“I knew you’d like Georgie’s song. Great title too.” He added as he slowly guided himself down the stairs.

 

 

John , George and Mike looked at each other. Ringo just laughed.

 

“He had you on don’t you know.” He continued to laugh.

 

 

“Whatcha mean by that.” George asked him confused by whatever he missed.

 

 

“Aww he wanted John to hear yer song is all and he did and you liked it and even worked something out. He still at home up in is head ya know.”  Ringo chuckled and left down the stairs.

 

 

“The rat bastard baited us did he?” John’s eye brows arched and he fell to the couch laughing even harder.

 

 

“Well he did a hell of a job cause you guys sounded good on that one. You are putting it on the album?” Mike inquired.

 

 

George looked over to John.

“Why y lookin to me fer it’s yer bleedin song . Ya want on the album  or don’t cha?”

 

 

 “Yeah , I think it would do the album some justice.” He smiled proudly

 

 

“ I just can’t believe he’s done this. “ John kept shaking his head.

 

 

“Just goes to show as low as he is he still luvs his mates.” They smiled while putting away the instruments and headed downstairs to say their good-byes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul couldn’t fight sleep anymore and had gone to bed. The night drew on and as Yoko had predicted Paul’s dream was worse then any he had before. He jolted out of bed, gasping and wheezing for air. Mike had still been downstairs with John and Yoko when they heard him and came running up. They grabbed Paul who was on his knees , trying to get his breathing back to normal and stop the fear that shook his body. They pull him up and John gave him something to calm him down.

 

 

“You ok Paul?” John asked trying to hide his nervousness.

 

 

Paul shook his head not able to speak yet. He motioned for the can by the bed, he stole it from John and punk it all out. It was acleansing that he hadn’t been able to stop, it got out so much more then they all knew. The dream had been worse this time. Sandy’s wrath at Cynthia being there and him not being able to push the feelings he had down for her fast enough, had given her full rein. She had taunted him more then usual, telling him if she ever came back he should kill her or better yet himself to join them. He didn’t want to; he just wanted her to leave him forever, to forget everything and try to be normal again, what ever that was he had forgotten. He took another pill from John after the other one had made the bin. He swallowed it with some water, gagging as he did. He didn’t know what to do, she wouldn’t stop haunting him, telling him what he had to do and it scared him that maybe he wasn’t strong enough to fight her and something horrible would happen. He raised his sweat drenched head to look at John and Mike.

 

 

“I…I don’t want to do it” He croaked out.

 

 

John’s face tightened up not knowing what he was talking about , but knowing Sandy, he knew the dreams seemed so real to Paul and she could have said anything to him.

“What? Don’t want to do what Paul?”

 

 

 

His head hung down ashamed at his lack of will power.

“God help me I don’t want to kill her and I thought I didn’t want to die. Now I’m not sure.” Pools of tears filled his eyes as he looked straight into John’s.

 

 

“Fer God fuckin sake it’s just a dream  Paulie. You don’t have to be doing anything like that. Sandy’s dead, I know it seems real when she appears to you, but mate she’s dead. You don’t have to do anything she tells you . She’s the bleedin devil she is!” He never faltered as he looked straight in to Paul’s eyes. He saw a real fear there and he hoped that Paul could realize the difference.

 

 

 

Paul hung his head back down. “I’m not strong enough to fight her. Please don’t let Cyn come by again….Please.”

 

 

John looked to Mike who by this time only wished he could have killed the witch that caused his brother so much pain long ago.

 

 

“She will come back and you’ll see. You won’t do a bloody thing to her. You can’t , I know you still love her to much.” Mike assured Paul.

 

 

Paul shook his head back and forth.

“She’ll win….I tell you she will. Always has, it’s like she has chains around me and I can’t get out of the pit . Only when I listen does the voice quiet down inside.”

 

 

“Let me get this straight …..yer herein voices now?” John said incredulously.

 

 

Paul cleared his throat, from the acid that churned and rose in it. He didn’t want to admit it to them, he was ashamed. “In the dreams and then sometimes I hear those dreams echo in me head.” He nodded, answering John’s question.

 

Mike bent down and looked over at John.

“Maybe he should seek some help.” He spoke trying to hide the fear in his voice.

 

 

John didn’t know what to do. He knew of the control the dreams had and after seeing the pictures today realized that they lingered on in the daylight. He didn’t know they spoke to him when he was awake or did he misunderstand what Paul had said.

 

“You hear her …..I mean when you’re awake?”

 

 

“I feel her watching me and I feel what she wants me to do. I fight some of it and that’s one of the reasons I’ve been drinkin. I want to so bad , I  need to drink I can’t stand the dreams and all these bloody feelins just taking those pills won’t do it all. They calm me down and I don’t think when I am under them I could do something. It just isn’t enough …Please “ He stated simply. He did fear for Cyn knowing Sandy would kill her given a chance. He knew she was dead , just like they all did. He just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t leave him be. It felt as if she took control of him at times and that scared the hell out of him. He could never forgive himself if any harm came to his Cynthia. He felt a twinge of  pain go through him at the thought of Cynthia and tried to stop thinking about it. What he needed was to get thoroughly pissed and erase it all.

 

 

 

They had been talking as Paul was deep in thought and all nodded in agreement that he needed to stop the drinking. John was going to stop it all together in another week or so anyway. He couldn’t start again, it would defeat everything and that’s what another bout would do he feared. The fear of hospitalization hit him again as he thought of the control this dead women had on Paul. How could they fight that one? He wondered if there was an alternative to this. New things were coming out now and he wondered if there were any that could help his friend. He heard Mike at that moment bringing him out of his thoughts.

 

 

“John maybe he should see someone….a professional perhaps.”

 

 

Yoko had been quiet the whole time listening to all of it. Possessed , he thought she possessed him. It was a fascinating thought and scary as well. She wondered if they did something to really make him think she couldn’t touch him. She had been reading about some new methods and she was sure it was his guilt that made her live through him.

 

 

“It’s the guilt that has manifested itself in dreams and the feeling he is describing. I’ve read about it.” She told Mike and John.

 

 

Paul pushed himself out of the chair hard. He started to the door as they talked about him. In the door jam he turned to them. He wanted out and them to go as well. His anger was on the rise and he shook with so many emotions he couldn’t contain.

 

 

“You all talk like I don’t exist! Maybe I don’t! You should all leave me be! I am not some project or some puzzle that you can’t find all the pieces to!!!!!  What are we going to do about Paul??!!!  Fuck the lot of ya! Cause Paul is going to do what he wants!!!  I’m invisible , or so you all think so forget me!!!!!!!!”

 

 He stomped out of the room heading for where he knew John had at least one bottle. It was only half full but it didn’t matter at this point . He felt like he was falling apart and he just wanted to crawl inside and forget it all. The pain, dreams, guilt, Cyn and more then anything he wanted to forget Sandy.  He beat them to it and took it out uncapping it and pouring it as fast as he could down his throat before they took it from him.

 

 

There they were the three of them starring , trying to figure out how to stop him. They couldn’t and he saw someone’s wallet lying on the table. He snatched it up and ran. He took to the garage and locked the door. He looked under the seat for the extra key and in his backseat where he usually kept extra clothes in case he stayed at some bird’s house. He hadn’t taken them out , good he thought as he slid the jeans and shoes on. He got in the car and locked the doors, opened the garage door and drove out. He had to watch as John and Mike ran for the car. The gate opened and he sped out. He raced down the streets, normally he would be afraid to be out of the house and he marveled at the freedom he felt. He saw them behind him in Mike’s car but it didn’t matter as he finished the bottle and threw it in the back seat. He lost them at one point and rode to the closest place he could find. There was always a party some where. He hid the car around the corner and ran to the flat. He banged on the door repeatedly, wanting to get in as fast as he could. The door opened and he saw Robert dressed in flaring colors with surprise covering his face. Paul pushed passed him and closed the door.

 

 

“Paul? What are you doin luv?”

 

 

“I broke off and I’m ready to party…..looks like things are swinging here. Lead me to it.” He said anxiously.

 

 

“Ducky slow down…..there’s plenty to go around and I believe you know most everyone here. You don’t look well at all.” Robert eyed him up. His dress was a tee shirt , jeans and sneakers. He looked disheveled and wild. His usual gorgeously groomed self wasn’t there and it worried Robert.

 

 

Paul again pushed by him and grabbed a drink and went to where he saw Keith Richards sitting. He knew where ever Keith was drugs were there as well. He plopped himself next to Keith pushing a young girl from the couch on to his lap.

 

 

“Hey Keith.” He said as the girl realized whose lap she was on and she wrapped her arms around him.

 

 

“Paul haven’t seen ya man in some time. Quite a scene Robert has goin tonight.”

 

 

Paul nodded as he smiled. He drank his drink down and put his empty arm around the nameless figure on his lap.

 

“I need a pick me up what cha got?”

 

The girl leaned in to Paul. He noticed she was already pretty high and that’s where he wanted to be.

 

“Ask Joy here she’ll fix you up but good. Won’t cha luv.” Keith answered with a smile that told Paul he was just as high.

 

 

“Yeah that’s what I want.” He looked to the girl.

 

She leaned in further to whisper in his ear.

 

 

“I could make you feel real good luv and forget everything. Just follow me.” She slinked off of his lap. He got up and she took his hand leading him to a room far in the back. He knew Robert’s house and knew the room was one of the many small rooms you went to shag and get high. He followed obediently and locked the door behind them.

 

 

She turned to him and smiled. “Robert let’s me stay here…..I’m  Joy …they call me that cause I bring so much Joy to men  like you.” She cooed as she stood pushing her body up against him. She rubbed herself up on to him feeling his excitement she moved away and laughed.

“There will be plenty of time for that luv. First I am going to make you feel so good and then our body’s will make us feel even better.” She watched the gleam in his eyes as she spoke. 

 

 

 

She sat down and patted the seat on the bed next to her. He sat down anxious to start the process, to feeling good. She took out some powder and a pipe. He watched getting a charge that ran up his spine. She mixed it together and packed it in.

 

“You ever free base?” Her red lips smiled at him.

 

He shook his head no and noticed not only the drugs but her pouting red lips that looked at him in a seductive way.

 

 

She motioned him over and lit it taking a deep inhale of the smoke and holding it and then handed him the lighter with the small pipe.  He followed suit , holding the smoke as he would with a joint. After many hits he felt it take him over. God it felt so good, freeing and he smiled a goofy stoned grin.

 

 

She put everything down and went to him. Her lanky body straddled him as she pushed him to the bed and started taking his clothes off.  She wasn’t wearing a bra or panties and it excited him as she pulled the short dress over her head.

 

 

“I have some friends who would love to join us ……but I think I want you first.” She whispered seductively at him. She brought her mouth over his and he grabbed her in a hungry kiss.

 

 

It had been awhile since he had done this but it didn’t matter his body reacted to it knowing just what to do. His head was high in the clouds and he felt like he could do anything. His energy was overabundant and he had a hard on that pounded. He wanted it all, the drugs, the girl anything to escape and finally feel good. He tasted every bit of her and her tongue felt soft and warm as it roamed his body. The urgency grew and he couldn’t believe the high as he brought her down on him laughing. Laughing he thought quickly was he really laughing?  He rolled her over and mounted the beauty not being able to contain his excitement any longer. He rammed into her hard, thrusting his hardness into her, fast and frantic he went. She slowed him down by pulling at him , his unsteady body fell to her and she drank in his kisses. The excitement rose as they both felt that warm wonderful feeling wash over them.

 

 

They lay there for a minute catching their breath and she rolled over getting the pipe and lighter.

 

“Some more and then I will bring in a few friends and we will make this a party you will never forget.” She winked at him.

 

He eagerly went for another hit and with a hazy mind thought how he couldn’t wait for the orgy to begin.