CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The night was cold and the wind whipped through the streets as people hurried along finishing up their Christmas shopping. The storefronts were filled with merry Santa’s in their furry red suits entertaining the children, who read them their lists. Lovers ran hand in hand into the stores to get out of the cold and find their perfect gifts. Cynthia watched them as fantasies ran through her mind of a Christmas she had dreamed of with her lover.

Julian held tight as he pulled her out of her dreams and up to each Santa in awe. He couldn’t understand how there could be so many when there was only supposed to be one. Cynthia had to laugh as she told him they were Santa’s helper, there to see what boy or girl had been naughty or nice. She let him lead her from store to store visiting them all. His little face was red and his body shook from the cold, but that never stopped a little boy like him. He wanted to see who was the real Santa and brought it to a stop when he pulled the beard off of one , embarrassing Cynthia in to taking him inside the closest store.

 

The warmth hit them, thawing the cold chill that ran through their bodies. They got some hot chocolate and then looked around. He pulled her along as he ran to the barking noise up ahead. He wiggled free and ran to a mop of fur that sat in its cage. The big round nose sniffed him and then its tongue slurped his face as he laughed.

 

 

“Mummy, It’s Martha, “ He cried. He had wanted to see her again. They had played at Ringo’s , Martha, Zak and Julian . He was confused and told his mum she wasn’t supposed to live with Zak, baby Jason, aunt Mo and Uncle Ritch . She was his dog and he had cried when it was time to leave and go back to her mothers, without the dog. Now he sat and wouldn’t leave the furry mop that looked like Martha.

 

“Julian we really must go.” She urged.

 

“No mummy I want Martha and I want her to spend Christmas with you me and Uncle Paul!!!!” He cried.

 

He had been asking a lot more for Paul and she didn’t know how to keep holding him off. Paul had always spent a lot of time with him when she was married and even after.

John had been taking him more often and that seemed to quiet his need for male attention, but he always asked for Paul.

 

 

She ended up carrying her fussing son along with her packages, crying out to the car.

 

 

“Really Julian you have to hush now . “ She felt the eyes of strangers as she carried him by.

He was tired and cranky now and she knew he’d fall asleep on the ride home.

 

 

 

The next day, much to Lillian Powell’s dismay, John stopped by to see him. She busied herself in the kitchen, making sure not to see her ex-son-in-law. Julian was ecstatic, yammering for his father’s attention. Cynthia thought it strange that he didn’t bring Yoko with him and knew that’s why he couldn’t stay very long.

 

John bounced Julian on his lap, holding him so he wouldn’t fall.

“So what does me boy want Father Christmas to bring him eh?”

 

 

“Martha !!!!” Was all Julian could ask for.

 

 

John looked curiously at his ex-wife.

 

“He’s been askin since we spent time at Mo and Ritch’s.  Then last night when I took him to the stores he saw a dog looking like her and hasn't stopped talking of her since. He also has been askin for Paul.” She shrugged.

 

 

“Well, let’s see if we can’t put a bug in Santa’s ear.” John told him.

 

 

“I saw all of Santa’s Elves last night daddy. I couldn’t find the real one. Where is he?” Julian looked up at his father for an answer.

 

John looked to Cynthia who just laughed at the memory of the night before.

 

“I took him down town and he saw them all. He even pulled a beard from one and that’s when I figured enough was enough.” She giggled.

 

 

John beamed at this.

“There’s me good lad. I bet that was one off. “

 

Julian pulled at John again.

“Daddy, really where is he?” He kept his eye on his father.

 

“Yes, daddy where?” Cyn giggled more.

 

John threw Cyn a glare as he tried to figure out the answer to Julian’s question.

“Ah, why he is up to the Northern Pole he is. Making his sled ready for his trip. So he sends all his elfians around to gather up all that little uns like yer self's wants and then they send lists back to him and the other elves to package up.” His smile widened and he nodded a self-gratifying nod to Cyn and then looked down at Julian, who seemed satisfied with the answer, he was given.

 

 

"Daddy you don't think Santa's elf is mad at me and gonna give us up to Santa?" Julian looked up at his dad worried.

 

"Naw, your a good little un, Santa wouldn't for go you. Don't you worry none." He hugged the boy and watched his face light up.

"Now why don't you find Grammy and get you some sweets so I can talk to your mum." Julian looked at Cynthia , who nodded her approval. He jumped up and ran to find his grammy.

 

 

John turned to look at Cynthia a smile still on his face. "I reckon if I was like that as a child?" He grinned at her.

 

"Oh, I'm sure you were a terror, nothing like Julian at all." She smiled back at him.

 

 

John thought about it for a minute, remembering all the things he would do to drive his auntie barmy.

"I suspect you just might be right. " He laughed at the thought; his face then grew serious, as he looked right at her.

"Listen , Cyn.....I know our boy is doing a bit better here and you don't have to do this if you don't want to."

 

Cynthia turned to him with a questioning look on her face.

"What John? "

 

 

"Well it seems Mike was talking to him and he feels like a right bastard for what he did to you. He asked Mike to call you but since I was on my way, I told him I'd talk to you about it." John shifted in his chair uncomfortably and lit a cigarette.

"Cyn , thing is he wants ta see ya. Tell you how sorry he is and all that. He's not sure if you'll forgive him so he wouldn't ring."

 

 

She sat there thinking about what happened and what John had said. Yes, she was scared but she knew that wasn't him and from what they had told her he was getting better.

"Yes, I'll come.....When?"

 

John's eyes narrowed his forehead wrinkled up as he gave her a long hard study.

"You sure?"

 

"Yes....quite." She said adamantly

 

He lightened up and drew on his smoke. Exhaling, a thought crossed his mind.

"I'll be there with you......just incase and if all goes well then I will leave."

 

 

Cynthia thought about it for a minute. She would feel better with him there, at first anyway, just in case as he said. With the way Paul's moods had been changing she didn't want to take a chance.

 

"Right , then that's how it will be. When?"

 

John shrugged. "Tomorrow perhaps?"

 

"Right I'll be around in the afternoon, say 1 o'clock?"

 

"Great, now if you get any stick from him you leave; agreed?"

 

"Alright, but lets hope not." She smiled an encouraging smile.

 

He winked at her as he got up.

"I'm off then.....Think Grammy will let me say bye to my son?" He joked.

 

"Of course , she has no say. Come on then ."

 

 

John said good-bye to Julian and left. Cynthia started thinking about everything that had happened. She wanted so much to have Paul back the way he was and would do anything to help him. She did worry about his reaction to her and prayed that night for a good visit. She needed something encouraging happening. She felt lost about what to do. She loved him so much and all she wanted was for that monster that possessed him to be exercised right out so she could have her Paul back.

 

 

 

The next day Paul sat reading the paper, something he had gotten back into . With all the newspapers John had collected they were always around. John and Mike walked into the kitchen.  Paul folded up the paper, putting it down; he had a feeling they wanted to talk to him.

 

John poured some tea and sat down by him.

"Listen mate a few things we need to talk about. " He looked to Mike, who also had taken a seat.

 

 

"Yeah , Paul You know I'm going back home for Christmas in a few days and then I can come back for a week but then I have to get back. The job wouldn't have it any longer."

 

Paul nodded and looked over to his brother with a sedated look.

"Salright, I can manage."

 

John turned back to Paul.

"Listen Paulie, Yoko and me , we can stay. Actually , I hoped you'd let us. Seein as we got our selves an estate and it won't be ready for about six to eight weeks. I thought it easier to just stay here and then we could pack up Ringo's flat and move out when the place is ready. It's quiet nice really, has a lake in the garden , place is called Tittenhurst park. You'll have to come see it."

 

Paul sat there listening and nodding to John. His sedated state made John wonder if this was a good idea for Cynthia to come by. Right now he was fine ,  he felt apprehensive about the whole thing. He pushed it down as he entered into the conversation.

 

"Paulie , I saw Cynthia yesterday and she said she will come today to see you, about 1. I will be there mind you, making sure all goes well." John finished sternly.

 

Paul sipped his tea and took a pull of his cigarette watching John. He started to answer him in a slow flat steady voice.

"Nothin will happen, I can assure you. If I feel a bit off I'll tell her to leave is all." he eyed his cigarette as he put it out, then finished his thoughts.

"You can stay as long as you need too. After all you have been looking after me and all, so why would I say no. Stay as long as you wish."

He got up and left the room , his face never showing any emotion or his voice.

 

 

"Mike, he's alright isn't he?" John asked

 

"Seems to be just all that medicine the doc has him on. Slows him down a bit I think, but that's good isn't it?" Mike asked unsure.

 

"Supposen, I just hope all goes alright with Cyn........Hey did I tell you what I 'm going to do for Paulie on Christmas?" He asked changing the subject to something more pleasant.

 

Mike shook his head. He had hoped they'd do something since this was his first Christmas without the family.

 

"I got Ritch to go get that mop of fur cleaned up with a red ribbon on her. She'll be here Christmas morn, I think that should make him happy. I also got a guitar bespoken for him and one fer me .......He was looking at it in New York when we went there for the Apple press conference. What do you think?" He asked excited at the thought. He wanted Mike to feel the same excitement about it that he did.

 

A smile broke across Mike's face as he shook his head at John.

"Brilliant John!!!! Martha will defiantly brighten his day and maybe the guitar will get him to play again. "

 

"That’s exactly what I was thinking. I think Martha will be good medicine for him. You know how he loves that mop. I’m hoping the guitar will help him as well…..I guess only time will tell. I just want him back as I know you do. I’m ready to do anything. I just can’t take much more of this.” He was so frustrated and felt horrible about it. The pressure of taking care of Paul and seeing him this way was eating him up inside. He just didn’t know what to do anymore and wondered how much longer it would take.

 

 

“John I know it’s been hard on you and I know he appreciates all you have done for him. I know I do. I couldn’t have gone this far with him if it hadn’t been for you , Yoko and the others. Doctor Mills said not to rush him; that he will get it back in his own time. I think he has made some strides since he started with the doctor and the medications. “

 

He wanted so bad for John to know how much he had helped them and how he appreciated it. He knew he would be leaving and would feel better knowing John and Yoko were with Paul. Paul shouldn’t be alone he thought   He had to get back to his family and job. Knowing John was there would ease his mind.

 

 

 

“It drives me batty seein him like this. I get so bloody angry . I just want to shake him and tell him to snap out of it. Then I feel guilty about it when I see him suffering so much. Blimey! It’s a fuckin circle it is and I guess he’s the one that feels the worse. I hate to see it Mike. I know you do too. Christ, does that make me a horrible mate?” John was unsure of himself at this point. He didn’t want to lose it with Paul. His nerves were fraying, from the mental strain. Yoko was the one who kept him together; encouraging him , telling him to be more understanding and have more patience. When it came down to it having patience wasn’t his best quality. He didn’t know anymore as he shook his head and leaned his face into his hand resting it, fatigue running over his face.

 

 

“No, John it doesn’t make you a horrible mate. You are great with him. You just want what everyone wants and that’s for Paul to come back to us. “ Mike squeezed John’s shoulder in a reassuring gesture. If only John knew just how much he had done for Paul already. He could never have done some of the things for Paul that John had done. He wouldn’t have had the nerve to fight him in all the ways John had. The episode at Robert’s alone proved this.

 

 

“Ta Mike I guess I just need to know I am making a difference is all. I’ve never been one who tolerated helplessness and sometimes I feel it. Cor, I’m blubbering . Don’t like that one much either.” John got up and put his cup in the sink.

 

“I think I’m gonna go find the twit , see what he’s up to.” He smiled at Mike before walking out of the room.

 

 

Paul sat in his study; a place he hadn't been in a long while. He looked around at all the things he had in there. He got up and pulled a few books , paging through them and then putting them back. Did he really ever read these? He wondered as he ran his fingers down the bindings from one end of the shelf to the other. Maybe it was for Jane he read them, he couldn't remember. He collapsed onto the desk as he fretted about Cynthia's visit. I can control myself; I've been doing better as of late he thought. He didn't feel Sandy as much and the dreams didn't come as often. Mostly he dreamt of his mother or something from his past that he didn't remember. He'd end up waking and thinking about it, trying to make it reality instead of the dream he just had. He had dreamt of Cynthia and things they did and said over the summer, just bits and pieces came back. The doctor said more would resurface, as he got better, he sure hoped so. He hated feeling this way, like a walking zombie at times. He wanted his life back and the doctor said that was a good sign and things would get better as long as he thought that way. Last night he had a dream of Hamburg; John and Cynthia were fighting, he drew John's attention to him by singing to Cynthia and taking the focus off of her. The manipulation was perfect and a drunken John fell for it , taking his anger out on Paul instead.  It was so vivid, so real and he could even feel the punch in the jaw from John. The doctor also told him his real memories would be like that and that's how he could tell the difference. He hadn't told anyone but the doctor about the dreams and had been focusing on each one as they happened. He tried so hard to incorporate them into his memory, often walking around the house in a daze just thinking about them.

He sat there thinking of the last dream so hard he started rubbing his jaw and didn't hear John come in.

 

"You get hit?" John asked as he saw him rubbing his jaw.

 

 

"Yeah by you." Paul said mindlessly

 

 

John looked at him confused as he walked further in to the room.

"Did I ? I don't remember that one." He laughed.

 

Paul shook his head forcing himself to start coming out of his daze.

"Oh sorry, no not now........years ago........Just came back to me...." he said still a bit dazed.

 

"Well it's nice to know one of the things you think about , when you think of me is me thumping you." He grinned at Paul.

 

Paul got off the desk and walked over to the bookshelf. He felt uncomfortable and avoided John's eyes. He hadn't meant to say that and now he didn't know if he should explain it. He jumped when John came up to him and put his hand on his shoulder.

 

"Bloody Hell , your jumpy son. Is it Cynthia's visit that’s got you worked up?"

 

Paul turned around avoiding the past subject and glad for a different one.

"I reckon....I just hope she can forgive me is all."

 

John nodded, understanding what he was feeling. How many times did he hope Cynthia would forgive him his transgressions? Too many he thought and she always did, even though she shouldn't have.

"She has mate don't worry. She forgave me all those times and she has forgiven you. She knows that wasn't you. Loosen up, it'll be fine." John said to reassure him.

 

 

Paul looked at him hard for a minute.

"Has she? Has she really forgiven you for all the beatings and humiliation you gave her?"

 

John didn't know where this was coming from but he didn't like where it was going and Cynthia was due to arrive in 30 minutes.

"Yeah she did." John's answer was short and slightly defensive.

 

The memory lingered and made Paul agitated with John . He didn't want to be, but it wouldn't go away, it hung thick in his head. He tried to clear it out and it wasn't working.

"You did y know, abuse her. How did she forgive you? What did you do to make her forgive you Johnny????" His voice had raised a pitch and his nerves were on pins and needles. Something was eating at him and he didn't know what it was.

 

 

John sighed he didn't want to get into this and he didn't know why Paul was bringing it up. He wanted to defuse the situation for Cynthia's visit.

"Not important mate , she is comin to see you in 20 minutes maybe you should calm down a bit. A pill maybe, is it time for one?" John said half joking half serious.

 

Paul's usual sedate face turned annoyed at him. He was right he had lost track of the time and forgot his last pill. He swallowed dryly; feeling so much like punching John the way John had him a few minutes ago or did he? He sat on the corner of the desk contemplating it. Wondering if it just happened or not. He slowly looked to John, seeing his puzzled look; he knew it was the dream. The dream had brought back an unexpected memory along with it. John had slept with Cynthia, while they were together and that's how all was forgiven. He bit his lip, not knowing what to do with this and knowing Cyn would be over in a few minutes. He hit the desk hard and stormed out of the study. He had to take his medicine before he lost total control. He found the bottle and fidgeted with the top not able to open it fast enough. It sprung open and dropped from his hand, pills spilling over the floor.

"FUCKIN HELL!!!!"

 

 

"Belt up would you......Cyn will be here soon, you gotta wind down." He helped Paul pick up the pills on the floor and gave him one with a glass of water.

 

Paul swallowed it , shutting his eyes tightly, he leaned back on the counter.

 

John was getting worried. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea he thought once again. He looked to the clock. Soon he thought , God I hope you calm yer arse down.

"Maybe go out to the garden and cool off a bit before she gets here."

 

Paul willed the sedative to work he took his other pill before John came in and then the sedative to stop the agitation he was feeling. There would be time enough later for that; he didn't want to make things worse with Cynthia. He nodded to John and went outside coatless to feel the cold on his body in hopes it would calm him down.

 

 

John rubbed his face with both hands and then put them on the counter doing small push ups against it , trying also to calm himself about this meeting. He just wanted it to go well, nothing happening , he wanted Paul back and Cynthia with him. He wanted this nightmare to be over and Yoko with him in their new estate. The bell rang and he went to get it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                    CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

 

 

 

 

John opened the door and let Cyn in. She knew immediately something wasn't right. She took off her coat and hung it up before asking.

 

"John what's the matter?"

 

"Paul was acting funny before. He was fine this morning and then I found him in the study and he just wasn't right. He was rubbing his jaw and told me I punched him. I asked him when and then it was as if he just remembered that it happened in the past. Straight away Cyn he was annoyed and actin strangely. He asked me how I got you to forgive me, angry like. I told him to clam down and he hit the desk and walked out. I found him in the kitchen yellin cause he dropped the bottle of pills. I told him to go cool off outside , he's been there ever since. I don't know how he's gonna be, so I'm not leavin you alone with him." John turned and went up the stairs to the kitchen with Cyn following behind him.

 

 

"He'll be alright John . Where is he ? Outside you said?" She waited for an answer.

 

"Yeah....I'll get him. Wait here." John took a breath before he opened the back door. He shivered as he stood on the porch. He saw Paul smoking a cigarette sitting on the table out there. He wondered how he could stand the cold as he walked towards him.

 

"Paul?"

 

Paul turned slowly around , his eyes glazed over and his demeanor again sedate. John was thankful for that, as he walked to him.

 

"Christ Macca it's bleedin cold out here. Don't you feel it?"

 

"No  , not really. What cha want?" Paul starred at him.

 

"Cyn's here."

 

"Oh, is she? Right she was comin by......In the kitchen is she?"

 

"Yeah , let's go in before we catch our death." John had his arms wrapped around himself trying to stay warm.

 

 

Paul followed him back into the house. Cynthia was pouring boiling water into a teapot, she brought it over to the cups she had set out and poured. Paul sat down and watched her for a few minutes . His eyes followed her as the dreams that were his memory slid back and forth through his mind. Bits and pieces of conversations, laughter, kiss and hugs flashed quickly as if he were watching a television program. Flashes of the Hamburg dream came and went along with an image on John and her together at Mimi's. He shook his head as if trying to shake something off of him.

 

 

John and Cynthia watched him curiously. Then Cyn decided she would start with caution.

 

"Hullo Paul"

 

He took in a deep breath and then seemed to be back in the kitchen facing Cyn and John.

"Cyn.....thanks for coming." He got up and knelt in front of  the chair she sat down in..

"I'm so sorry about what I did.....I mean I shouldn't have done that…… it wasn't me I can assure you it wasn't. I was stoned out of my gourd.....really I was and with everything else I lost control. I don't remember much of it........." He looked over at John , who was watching with a careful eye and then back at Cyn.

"I should never have done that, especially after what you've gone through in the past." He again looked over to John who raised his brow.

 

 

"It's ok Paulie, Cyn and me, we've talked about it and it's in the past so go on with it." John bit his tongue as he said it, trying to hide the challenge in it.

 

 

Paul took Cyn's hands in his.

"I wouldn't blame you if you didn't forgive me, especially after what you went through with John. Although, he tells me you forgave him and you forgive me."

He looked up at her with his huge glassy puppy dog eyes, begging her forgiveness.

 

"Of course I forgive you luv, it wasn't you . You’re not like that and I know it." She stated.

 

 

Paul nodded. "I wasn't like that I reckon, I don't think I was.........no no I wasn't I'm sure of it." he said a bit frustrated at his failing memory.

There was a part of him that wanted to scream at her and tell her that John was like that. That John abused his rights with her intaking her at Mimi's.

Christ he thought as he pulled his hand away from her and stood up running his hand through his hair, nervously trying to contain himself. He felt the sedative pulling at him and thanked God he had taken it. He turned back to her and in a soft voice he spoke.

"You are to forgiving for your own good sometimes. You are so sweet and trusting.......Why is that I wonder?" He stood there thinking about it.

 

 

"My nature I guess. Let's just forget this and go forward. Is that alright?" She asked cautiously. She didn’t want to set him off and defiantly didn’t want to get in to what had happened to her with John.

 

 

"Right , that would be best wouldn't it. " He paced the floor and then sat back down. He couldn't just forget it and how could she just forgive him so simply?

After a few minutes he got up again and went to her. He pulled her up by the hands and held them. A glimmer of holding her and kissing her in the kitchen up in Scotland came to him and then he pulled her to him. He held her tight and she felt so good. He laid his head on her shoulder and started to cry.

"I'm so sorry. Oh God I swear to you I am so bloody sorry. .........." He said threw his tears.

"I'm so afraid of myself........I have no right to ask you not to fear me......how can I?  Oh God you feel so good.........so good.......just like the dreams....."

He lay there in her arms not ever wanting to leave them. His tears fell silently as he held her so tight afraid to let go, afraid she'dleave and never come back.

 

 

Cynthia held him stroking his hair as she whispered quietly to him.

"It's alright luv, I am not afraid of you ...........there there things are getting better everyday."

 

John in a half joking mood walked over to the kettle and whisper. "I hope it can’t get no worse."

He watched Paul cling to Cyn and her purring in his ear. He seemed docile, just laying there not even crying anymore, just content with being held. He gave Cyn a nod that he would be inside the other room and she nodded back.

 

 

She ushered Paul over to a seat and had to pull herself away from his clutching hands. She poured him some tea .

"Here now drink up it will calm you."

She pulled her chair up beside him. She wanted him back and this was a good sign she thought. Not the Paul she knew but at least he was relating to her.

"You ok?"

 

 

Paul nodded and sipped his tea. The sedative he took was hanging over him and his burst of emotion had surprise him. He sat back allowing the feel of the sedative and this time he didn't fight it. He laid his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. He was so tired, tired of all of this and exhausted from his out burst.

"I didn’t mean to upset you." he said warily his eyes still closed.

 

 

"Luv you didn't upset me........I am here for you, I do love you." she let that hang in the air not expecting a reply.

 

 

He sat back up and opened his eyes to see her sitting beside him.

"Cyn , I'm having these dreams. Not the nightmares, they only happen occasionally. " He took her hand from the table in his.

 

"I a…. have been having memories for dreams now. I wake and they’re so real. The doctor said that they were suppressed memories that are coming through in my dreams.  There are pieces of my life that I don’t remember. Dr. Mills said it usually occurs with traumas such as what I’ve had. “  His head lowered; he felt foolish telling her these things. He felt her thumb rub his hand and gently squeeze it.

 

She listened to him, surprised he was opening up so much too her. It made her feel the connection between them and she was glad for his trust.

 

 

 

He looked back up at her and their eyes met. He could see the love she had for him and it frightened him as much as it made him glad.

“I feel quite foolish telling you this. I haven’t told anyone, except the doctor and now you.”

 

 

She smiled at him. “I’m so glad that you trust me enough to tell me. Don’t feel foolish please? I want you to tell me everything , that’s the only way back to finding yourself and to finding us again. “

 

 

His face looked timid as he spoke . “Is it? I mean ….you want me back?”

 

 

She took her hands away from him, placing them on either side of his face; she bent into him and kissed his lips lightly and lovingly.

 

He was surprised by her soft gentle kiss, but felt himself melt into it. He felt her pull away and he opened his eyes to see her watching him for a reaction.

“That was nice.” He smiled shyly.

 

 

She sat back, thinking how strange it was for him to be this shy . She never remembered him like this; he used to be surer of himself. At least he allowed her to kiss him, she had wanted to for so long and if she was honest with her self it stirred feelings deep with in her. She wanted nothing more then to make love to him and she knew that wasn’t possible. She would have to control herself.

 

 

He got up nervously pacing the kitchen, he stopped to light a cigarette , he knew all too well she probably wanted more then he was ready to give and it bothered him. A memory flashed through his mind that also bothered him, a picture of John and Cynthia up at Mimi’s beach house , to him it seemed like it just happened, that he had just found out about it and the nervousness became agitation.

 

 

He stood by the door , his face tense with the vision of the two of them. He couldn’t stop it as it haunted him. John kissing her ,lulling her, seducing her and taking her away from him, proving once more that he could. How was she able to forgive him? He knew it happened months ago, but deep down it seemed like yesterday. He couldn’t fathom it at all. His brain screamed Why? How? He just needed to know, to understand it. Then and maybe then he would be able to deal with it. He did love her, more then she could ever know . He knew he wasn’t capable of being what she wanted or needed right now and the thought lay heavy in his mind and heart. Then again at one time he was able to be what she needed and John still held her captive.

 

 

“He had no right to do that to you. You came home early for him. Why?  Why couldn’t you just have trusted me enough to tell me? He fuckin knew what he was doin…….bloody sod knew he could seduce you and then all would be forgiven? I don’t understand it . “ He leaned up against the door he wasn’t looking at her as he rambled on angrily .

 

 

Cynthia didn’t know what to do or say she sat there waiting to see what he would do. His mood swings were hard to follow and exhausting to say the least. She knew how bad she hurt him and if she could she would do it differently. She couldn’t change the past , she just wanted to go forward and prove her love to him. Prove to him that John was no longer a threat.

 

 

“When I fuckin found out about it I got pissed on a bottle of scotch and then I went to the studio and we had a punch up. Did he tell you?  No, wait I told you didn’t I , when it was to late and I couldn’t think and Sandy was pregnant and then all I did was get bloody pissed as often as I could to escape you , her, John and everything that I couldn’t handle!”  He seemed to just come to a stop as he finished his sentence. He just starred off in to space , emotions rifling in from all sides and he didn’t know anything except the damn fear, anger and confusion that ate at his insides.

 

 

Cynthia took this moment to answer his questions. She didn’t know how he would react and wondered if she should call in John or if that would upset him even more.

 

“You’re right , I should have trusted you and told you. I should never have done it that way . I’m not perfect and what happened shouldn’t have but it was months ago and I do regret hurting you .  Hurting us.” She watched him as she spoke . He stood there and seemed to be listening to her. Then he snapped out of his silence.

 

 

“It wouldn’t have happened you know . Sandy would never have had the chance to do what she did if that whole bloody mess didn’t happen.  It’s John’s fault that it happened and now he sits here with me out of the guilt he feels over it.”

 His voice grew more upset towards the end of his sentence and he turned away from her so she wouldn’t see the hurt in his eyes. The hurt that never went away , the hurt Sandy put there , the hurt Cynthia caused him and the hurt his best mate inflicted. Out of the hurt poured the anger, between the two it was so bitter he felt he was drowning in it.

 

‘He proved to me he could have you again. He came into the blasted studio that night cocky as hell. Then in talking he said to me ……You know how she goes…..Of course I knew , he was speaking of you !!!  He told me a few months before I was getting sloppy seconds and he proved it to me.!!!!!” He banged his hand against the wall hard as he finished. When he turned around John stood in the doorway.

 

 

John had heard it start and had hoped he would calm down. He feared going in there would work him up more then he was. When he heard Paul’s voice raise , he realized he’d have to go in. He knew no harm would come to Cynthia, Paul’s voice was becoming unhinged but not at her, it seemed more at him.

 

 

“Paulie you want to be calming down some here.” John said in a gentle but stern voice.

 

 

Paul faced him with a sarcastic smile. “ I suppose I should . We wouldn’t want any trouble now would we?”

 

 

‘Listen Paul , that was months ago.”

 

Paul cut him off. “Months for you but for me it’s now. “ He exclaimed desperately .

 

 

“Right, I can see how you’d feel that way. I felt like a right arse and true , I do feel guilty,

but that’s not why I ‘m here with you . “ He moved slowly getting closer to Paul.

‘I’m here cause I love ya mate , ya gotta know that one.”

 

 

‘

He could see Paul tremble. Was it from anger or was it from the discomfort he was feeling? It had to be horrible to have awakened feelings that were buried for such a long period of time.

 

“I thought we settled this with that punch up we had?” John ventured even closer to Paul.

 

 

Paul looked confused at what John was telling him. Was it settled? They did have a good row over it. He just didn’t know anymore. He felt like waves were constantly hitting him with different memories and feelings that he didn’t know what to do with. He slid down to the floor , sitting with his knees to his chest , smoking and thinking. He tried to put the things John and Cynthia said in to perspective.

 

 

John crouched down to him. “Paulie, I meant what I said and you were right. I was a right bastard. I should have told you and not gone behind your back. I know that now, I do. I thought you knew that and I thought you knew that I think you and Cynthia were great together. You know I wasn’t all there upstairs at the time I said what I did to you . I guess my sense of humor is cynical. You’ve always known that one.”

 

“Come on mate.” John tousled Paul’s hair.

 

 

Paul eyed him, studying his face. He seemed sincere enough; his thoughts were to scrambled right now not to believe him. Guilty or not , John had stood by him , took care of him and loved him. He shook his head yes and rested his chin on his knees.

 

John leaned over and bought him into a hug and Paul returned it.

 

“Salright?” John asked hopefully.

 

 

“Supposen so.” Paul said releasing his turmoil and becoming calmer once again.

 

 

Cynthia stood up, glad that things had come to a lull. She was desperate to change the subject to a happier one.

 

‘Christmas is in a few days and I know a little boy who would love to see his uncle Paul.”

She glanced over at John, realizing she hadn’t discussed it with him first. He just gave her a smile, letting her know it was fine with him.

 

 

Paul stood up and perched himself against the window. The turmoil he felt inside would come up the doctor told him. He had pushed it deep down inside of him and now it was time to work it out. He knew the doctor was right , they’d work it out together and as he did he would regain more of himself again. It was just so bloody hard to do. He perked up at hearing that Julian wanted to see him. He loved the boy and flashes of happy memories whirled around in he head. Children and dogs; they were innocent and loved you unconditionally. Oh , how he wished everyone could be like that. He talked to them while he gazed out the window.

 

 

“Julian?  He’s been askin for me? I ‘d love to see the little tike. “ He slowly turned around to face them.

 

“Please bring Julian over to see me.” He almost begged.

 

 

Cynthia listened to him as he spoke. Never had he called him Julian; it was always Jules, since she could remember. She saw the smile on his face as he asked and felt maybe a visit would do both of them the world of good.

 

“Yes , I’ll bring him by on Christmas then . Do you think Yoko would mind if we did a Christmas dinner. We could cook while you played with Julian.” She smiled at the thought.  Christmas,  would be as normal as they could make it. She knew her mum was going to her brother’s house and she had been invited too , but she’d rather be here, her mum would understand.

 

 

John thought about it, they would try and make this a good Christmas.  The presents he had gotten Paul , Julian and Yoko and the small tree with decorations they had bought to set up after Paul was asleep. It would surprise him to no end when he woke. He thought of how Yoko had gone with Mike to the stores for last minute things.  She had wanted him to go and wasn’t to happy when he stayed to be with Cynthia and Paul. He knew she calmed down when he told her he wanted to try and rekindle their relationship , there fore there wouldn’t be any threat to her with Cynthia. He was startled out of thought when Paul started to talk.

 

 

“Y know I would have been a father in July ? Sandy was going to tell me as a Christmas present.” He looked from one to the other.

 

 

‘How’d you know this one?” John asked surprised at hearing it.

 

 

“I’m sorry I listened to your conversation with Laura the other day. I had to know more of what you weren’t telling me. “ He explained.

 

 

John nodded. He could understand Paul wanting to know , he only wished he had asked him instead of listening to the conversation with Laura. He called her once a week to see how she was, to let her know that they were still there for her. He knew Ritch and George spoke to her too. She would be out in nine months and they had spoken about a future for her. They all knew now how she was as much a victim as Paul had been and wanted to help her.

 

 

 

“I always wanted to be a father. I love kids.” He watched as the rain started to fall against the window. One drop , two drops , three drops; he didn’t realize he had been counting them. His mind just seemed to wander away when things got to be too much.

 

 

“Paul?……Paul?!” John’s voice grew louder.

 

 

Paul snapped back to the conversation. “Yeah, right bring Julian over for Christmas then.”

 

 

“So we’ll have Christmas dinner and I can give Julian his gifts…..I rather fancy that.” John nodded his head , smiling over to Cynthia.

 

 

“Perfect , then it’s settled. Christmas day together with dinner …..wonderful.” She felt herself become more and more excited at the thought. She saw Paul drifting away and walked over to him.

 

She tapped him on the shoulder. He turned again from the window to see her standing close to him. He could smell her perfume and she the emotions on her face.

 

“What are you so interested in. ?” She asked .

 

He grinned at her and gave a small giggle. “You’ll think my more of a nut case then I am if I tell you.”

 

 

She looked out the window trying to guess what he found so interesting out there.

“Tell me ?”

 

 

“The rain…..it washes everything away making it clean again. Making everything grow. I’m just watching the droplets come down. “ He gave her a tight lipped smile.

 

 

“Oh, well it is pretty to watch and soothing.” She stood next to him and put her arm around his waist.

 

 

He looked down at her while he wrapped his arm around her.

“I’m glad you came by…….thank you.” He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

 

She felt a warm rush spread through her as he pulled her to him and kissed her head.

“I’m glad too. I’ll be back in two days and we will spend Christmas together.”

 

 

He nodded and then remembered he hadn’t bought anyone a thing.

“I haven’t gotten out to get anyone anything.” He said a little embarrassed.

 

 

Cynthia smiled up at him. “It’s ok really, just spending Christmas with you is all I want.”

 

 

“Your to simple……no jewelry or perfume?”

 

 

“No, just you and that isn’t that simple.” She smiled up at him.

 

 

“Fair enough……I will do my best, but as you can see…..well sometimes things get away from me . I don’t know when it’s going to happen and if it does please take Julian away. I don’t want him to see me like that.”

 

 

He was worried and she knew it. She could understand his concerns and knew that Julian would be just fine. They would make sure everything was all right for the boy. She also knew what he didn’t and that was that Martha would be home. That in its self would be a great distraction. She leaned her head against his shoulder and quietly watched the rainfall, enjoying the feel of him next to her. John had backed out in to the other room leaving them alone to enjoy the quiet time together.