John woke to the sunlight streaming through the bedroom

John woke to the sunlight streaming through the bedroom. He shook

Yoko awake; she got up slowly putting on her robe. He slipped on a

pair of jeans and a shirt, not bothering to put anything on his

feet. He was excited, it was Christmas and they had decorated a

tree, putting presents under it for Julian, They had exchanged their

own gifts last night after Ritch had dropped off Martha. Both

started towards the door then John stopped.

"Go down ahead of me and take care of Martha keep her in the kitchen

so Paul doesn't see her right away. Oh and could you make us a nice

brekkie?" He said as he leaned down to give her a kiss.

"Merry Christmas luv."

She smiled up at him. "Merry Christmas John….Are you going to wake

Paul now?"

John smiled like a naughty child. "Oh mother you wait to see how I

wake him." He snickered.

"If you hear noise don't bother it's ok. I am going to wake him a

way he hasn't been in a long time."

"Ok John…..I'll go put up the kettle and make a nice breakfast." She

smiled and left him to what ever he was going to do to Paul.

He walked down the hall, still snickering and then quieted himself

as he slipped open the door to Paul's room. He walked in closing it

and stood there starring at Paul, asleep , not expecting a thing..

He again giggled to himself ; climbing up on the foot of the bed and

stepping to the right where there was more room. He steadied

himself , getting ready as he glanced down at a still sleeping Paul.

He started jumping up and down on the bed like he did as a child.

"Wakie wakie!!!!" He exclaimed as he jumped hard on the bed, making

Paul bounce on the mattress.

Paul's eyes flew open and his head shot up.

"John! What the bloody hell are you doing? Stop! I'm trying to

sleep. " He shouted, grabbing the blankets and pulling them over his

head.

John continued to bounce higher, pushing the mattress down under his

feet and shaking the bed with every jump.

"Wakie Wakie Paulie!"

He stopped for a minute snatching up the blanket and pulling it

away. The bed groaned under his weight as he started up again.

"Christ Lennon your gonna break me bed!" Paul grumbled as he took a

pillow to cover his head and block out John.

John was relentless "Wakie Wakie it's Christmas morn!" He yelled

excitedly , still trying to get Paul up. He reached down and took

the pillow flinging it across the room.

"Fuckin Hell John." Paul moaned exasperated with his friend.

The foot of the bed creaked loudly and then snapped as the right

side broke crashing down to the floor. John was thrown down on top

of Paul. He lay there on him with dead weight; laughing so hard he

unable to move.

"Ya broke the bed you stupid nit! Gerroff me!" Paul shoved John off

to the other side of him.

John still didn't stop. He crawled up on to his knees and started to

slowly bounce again.

"I'm gonna start it up if you don't get up." He threatened through

his laughter.

"No don't the rest of the bed will go." Paul sat up quickly, but it

was to late. The left side had weakened and when John started moving

the other side collapsed, making a loud thud, falling backwards they

were sent sliding down to the foot of the bed and on to the floor.

John's laughter exploded as Paul joined in. He took the pillow that

came down with him and hit John over the head with it. John pulled

the pillow away and started to hit Paul.

"Come ead get your lazy arse out of bed. Oops I mean off the

floor ." He smiled innocently.

John got up holding out his hand to Paul and pulling him off the

floor.

"Now get dressed father crimble has left you some things last night."

"But I told you I didn't get anything for anyone." Said Paul

slightly embarrassed.

"Dunnit matter, now come on let's have you, straight away." John

waited for Paul to grab something to put on.

Paul glanced around the room resting his eyes on the jeans he wore

the night before. He slid into them and then grabbed a shirt,

putting it on and not bothering to button it. They both walked bare

footed to the door. Paul rubbing the sleep out of his eyes looked

back at the bed and starred at it.

"Look at it would you. It's like a slide ." said Paul as he shook

his head in disbelief.

John tugged at his arm to follow him. "I was only having a lark

didn't mean to break it. Don't worry son we'll have it good as new

tonight…..put some of those books you never read under it or

something."

John continued pulling Paul down the hall.

"Wait a sec, I need to use the loo."

John's eyes rolled up in his head watching as Paul went to use the

loo. He splashed some cold water on his face to wake himself up.

What was all this fuss with John about Christmas? He wondered as he

dried his face. He was tired and just wanted to go back to bed. The

last thing he wanted to do at 7am was be pounced on by John Lennon

and having his bed broken. He shuffled out of the bathroom, rubbing

his eyes , he didn't see John and bumped in to him.

"Christ Macca wake up already." John pushed him away when they

collided.

"Can't, these drugs they got me on. It takes so long to wake." He

explained

"Now what's all the fuss about?"

"Guess you'll have to see fer yer self there Paulie…..now stop

saggin off ."

Paul watched as John put one hand on the wall and the other on the

rail, gliding him down a few stairs at a time until he hit bottom.

"Come ead now" John yelled up to him.

Paul didn't take the stairs as enthusiastically as John did and

simply walked slowly down them.

He looked around the room to see a brightly decorated tree with

packages under it and lights spread around the room He looked over

at John in disbelief, waving his arms around at the decorations and

finally finding himself by the tree.

"When did you two do this?"

"When you went up last night." John beamed at him.

"That's not all. Father Christmas left you something." John gave a

huge whistle. All that could be heard were the scampering claws of

Martha's feet as she ran out to her master. Paul turned to see a big

fluffy dog with a big red ribbon run and jump up on him, knocking

him down on his butt.

John laughed at the sight. Paul didn't seem to mind as he hugged,

kissed and petted the dog. He rolled down on to the floor wrestling

with her. She had obviously missed him; her big wet tongue kept

licking kisses on to his face and her tail wagged so fast John swore

he could feel a breeze.

Paul was thrilled to see her. His heart warmed as he cuddled with

her on the floor. They soon started to play and Paul got on all

fours crawling to the other side of the room where a box laid,

filled with her toys. He took one out and started to play with her.

He stopped to look up at a grinning John.

John watched as Paul looked up at him from the floor. His face lit

up and his eyes sparkled with joy.

John was firmly convinced now, that getting Martha was the right

thing to do at this point. He hadn't seen such happiness on Paul's

face in some time. He walked over and smiled down at his friend.

"Ta John so much. I didn't realize just how much I missed her. She

still remembers me and loves me no matter what." He beamed up at him.

"Course she remembers, you nit. She's Paulie's favorite girl and all

the others are jealous." Laughed John.

Yoko had come in to watch and was quiet happy at what she saw.

Martha was good medicine for Paul. She would help him so much now.

She was almost sorry that breakfast was ready.

"Paul , John your breakfast is ready. Come in and eat."

Paul eyed Martha then his face went towards Yoko.

"Right in a minute……and Yoko thank you so much for the two of you

bringin me girl home."

"Cor, Macca the way you fawn over her she might as well be your

girl. You better button up too, those scratches on yer chest look

more like you had one hell of a wild night." He laughed as he headed

towards the kitchen.

Paul looked down at his chest bemused. He saw the long red scratches

that Martha had made on him. He buttoned up his shirt while pushing

a playful Martha away.

"Sorry girl, gotta eat. You hungry? Come have some brekkie."

Martha follow him obediently to the kitchen where she smelled food

and perched herself right next to him waiting for a hand out.

After breakfast was done with and they were all full including

Martha, Paul got up to play some more with her. John took him by the

arm before leaving the kitchen.

"There's something else I've been wanting to show you. It's

upstairs, wrapped right nice if I do say so my self." John headed to

the stairs; he saw Paul's eyes go from Martha to him.

"More? " Paul faced John biting his bottom lip waiting for his reply.

John shook his head. `More ? Of course there's more. You can play

with her later. Now I really want to show you."

Paul watched John climb the stair as he scratched the back of

Martha's ear. He couldn't believe Martha was back and that John had

more for him. He reluctantly left her and trudged the two flights of

stairs following John up to the music room. Standing behind John he

eyed him suspiciously while waiting for him to open the door. They

entered the room and he followed John over to a big box. It was

wrapped in silver paper that shined and a gigantic blue ribbon. He

looked at John in confusion and then starred back to the box.

"Go on then open it. It is for you and the bow is your fav color."

John slid the box over to the couch and motioned for Paul to sit.

Paul sat down feeling rather uncomfortable. He kept looking at the

box, not sure if he should open it. He felt panic inside and his

chest tightened; his breathing became harder, he felt overwhelmed.

It wasn't that he didn't want to open it; he just couldn't at that

moment.

"No , I a ….no John ….Ta and all Martha was the best gift anyone

…..I'm sorry." Paul got up to walk out the door.

John stood incredulously. "Your not gonna open it then?"

Paul turned around the fear clearly on his face.

"I'm sorry……later perhaps." He whined .

John felt his blood boil. He had gone to so much trouble to get this

guitar; his hopes had been so built up. He knew if only Paul saw it

the music would come back . He had counted on that and now Paul

refused to open it? He felt his face redden, ignoring the look on

Paul's face he stomped over and grabbed him , pulling him back to

the couch and threw him on it.

"Yer gonna stop being so stroppy and open this bleedin thing! I have

waited weeks for you to see it and it WILL be opened!!" John stood

firmly with his arms crossed over his chest, standing in front of

Paul so he couldn't get up.

"And you stop that gutted look . I am so bloody sick of that fookin

look on yer face. You will get over this shite ! Now open the

blasted thing!"

Paul's eyes were wide with a mixture of feelings, fear being the

leading one at this point. John wasn't one to mess with especially

if you got him anger. He hadn't meant to. He just couldn't bring

himself to open it just yet. His chest grew tighter , his face paled

with the growing anxiety he felt. Breathing wasn't as easy; he

needed his medicine to make it go away. He felt to threatened by

John to tell him he needed it. He knew if he didn't get to it soon

the attack would be out of control. He hadn't had a full- blown

panic attack in a few weeks and he didn't want one now. He didn't

know what to do and he felt everything closing in on him as he sunk

further into the couch.

"I hate this! I hate that you're like this!!!! Always having to be

careful around you!!! Like you're some fragile china doll

everyone's afraid to break!!!!! Well I'm done with it you hear me?

Done with it!!!!! It's bollocks all of it!!!! You're fine I saw you

with Martha and this morning. Now open this bleeding present I got

ya or I'll be shoving it down yer throat!!!!" John bellowed as he

glared right through him in such a way it terrified Paul.

Another time Paul would have stood up to him and yelled right back

in his face. Now , he felt like a coward and a burden. He never

wanted to do this to John. He felt himself shaking as he crawled

deeper inside. Where could he hide? Nowhere was his answer. He just

wanted John to stop. Stop yelling at him, the anger was so fierce it

made his head ring and his vision started to blur. He felt like he

was being kicked repeatedly.

John's anger erupted so strongly he couldn't stop it. He was angry

that Paul was still like this fragile thing that everyone had to

step around. He was disappointed , he wanted this to be a great

time, a time they could find the music together as they did years

ago. Hadn't Paul wanted that just 6 months ago? He felt a hurt and

disappointment that buried itself under the anger. Just like so many

times before the anger took him over and he lunged at Paul taking

his arm hard in his hand, pulling him to the box. He pushed him at

it, knowing he left bruises where his hand had been.

"I SAID OPEN IT DAMN YOU!!!!!" John's eyes spit fire as he threw

Paul at the box, knocking him to the floor with a shove.

Paul looked beaten as he tried hard to catch a breath that he

couldn't hold. He clawed at the wrapping to weak from the anxiety

attack to open it but not wanting anymore of John's anger.

He willed the tears to go, knowing they would further infuriate

John. He felt like a child, just like he had a few weeks before. The

terror started to descend , closing in and smothering him the way it

had weeks ago , the way it had with Sandy and Oh God he didn't want

this anymore. It had been better and now it was back. He wanted to

crawl somewhere anywhere. He couldn't hide from himself , that's

what the doctor had said. For the first time since the fiasco at

Robert's he craved a drink. It could have been anything just to stop

the cloud from over taking him, something to anesthetize these

horrible feelings. He stopped trying to open the box and found his

body automatically curling up in to a ball leaning into the bottom

of the couch.

It didn't matter anymore what John did at this point . He could feel

his body shutting down piece-by- piece, just like you would

shut down an airplane, control after control. His body shook

violently, visible to anyone looking at him.

John saw him curl up and he looked right past him. He wouldn't allow

himself to see Paul like this anymore. He wouldn't allow himself to

see that he inflicted it on him the way he had done to so many

people in the past. He had thought he was over this and felt sick to

his stomach for relapsing into this hideous person that he always

seemed to become when he lost control. He kicked the box making the

strings twang and Paul jump as he started to storm out of the room.

He had to get out of there before he did anymore damage. He never

wanted to do this to Paul. He had seen him getting better over the

last few weeks and he cursed himself for not holding his tongue, for

not allowing him to open it later. The anger was still there and he

had to get away from Paul before he did more then just kick the box

out of frustration.

"Pathetic you……..Fuck it!" He said as he stormed off.

When he reached the bottom of the third floor stairs he collapsed

against the wall. His breathing was heavy, like a snorting bull, his

eyes bulged from their sockets and his head pounded. He stayed there

trying to calm himself, trying to purge the anger that had over

taken him. Why, because Paul wanted to open the gift later? He felt

possessed by the frustration , anger and guilt that he had towards

Paul. Maybe Paul was right after all, maybe there was some truth to

what he said about his feeling guilty about Cynthia. He knew there

was a part that wanted to make it up to Paul, a part that knew Paul

was right about him being jealous and seeing if he could pull Cyn,

just because she was with him. He was also right about how he

gloated in the studio that night. Was he the reason Paul was like

this? How many times did that circle around in his brain? If he

hadn't been so jealous would it have been harder for Sandy to get to

Paul? He knew the answer and it made him sick. Yes, he had opened

the door for Sandy , who walked right in. Had everything been

alright and she had never heard them talking about being together at

Mimi's then Sandy would have had a harder time getting to Paul and

he would still be the same Paul they had known. He leaned down,

placing the palms of his hands on his knees. He felt dizzy and weak

from the exploding anger, angry with himself and angry with Paul.

His thoughts were so deep he didn't hear George come up the stairs

and jumped when he saw him.

George saw John bent over and wondered what was wrong. He walked

over to him and was startled by John when he jumped. He stood there

for a moment looking at him; still partially bent over wearing a

face that George knew all to well. That drained look that he wore

after he spouted off his anger. George leaned down to John.

"What's going on Lennon?"

John huffed as he straightened up.

"That blasted McCartney is what's up. He wouldn't open the guitar I

got for him. I lost it George." His voice started to fill with

remorse.

"I pounded him into the ground …..Christ I didn't mean to …..I just

got so bloody narked at him for not opening it……." His eyes met

George's and George could see the shame he felt.

"Where's he now?"

John nodded towards the stairs.

"Still up there looking rather nesh . I dug into him mentally and

physically…..didn't mean it." John trailed off.

"You did what?" George was exasperated by what John had just said.

Paul had been so much better the other day when he stopped by and

now he only hoped John didn't undo everything.

"I told you …..I'm rather sick of pussy footing around him. You

should have seen him this morning . Like nothing ever was wrong."

`John , you know the doctor said he would be more and more like

himself but it doesn't mean he's out of the woods. He could be

pushed right back there. He's at a delicate time of his recovery.

Christ John don't you think? He's up there now? " George gave John a

disgusted look.

"Yeah, that he is…..probably needs a bleedin sedative after how I

ran me mouth." John's eyes starred down at his feet , the shame took

hold as he finished telling George.

"I suggest you get him one now and I'll see if I can salvage this."

George gave a final look at John before he went up the stairs.

He opened the door slowly and found Paul curled up on the floor

lying against the couch. He looked so small he thought as he walked

over to him. He knelt down to him as he kept his voice soft and

gentle when he started to speak.

"Paulie ? How y doin?"

Paul looked up just enough to see him. "Harri? "

George smiled as he nodded at him. "Yeah , came by to see you. "

He could see Paul shaking; could hear his labored breathing and saw

that same child like man that he had seen a few weeks back.

"Ran into John downstairs. He told me what happened. He feels bad

about it. I think he just got upset that you wouldn't open the

present he got you." He waited for a response and when he didn't get

any he continued.

"You couldn't though could you? You felt to overwhelmed by it all,

too much fer you?" George could only guess how Paul felt but knew

he was right by the way Paul shifted uncomfortably as he said it.

"I just wanted to play with Martha and Jules , that's all just play

with Martha and Jules. " Paul's voice was shaky and he took

hiccupped breaths talking to George in a daze.

George scratched the back of his neck then sat down closer to

Paul.

"I would have opened it later y know I just couldn't do it."

George nodded knowingly.

"You knew what it was then?"

Paul nodded yes.

"You were to afraid to open it knowing what it was." George spoke

almost to himself as he said it.

"Paul you can still play with Martha and Jules. John's bringing you

up a sedative to take and he won't do anything I can assure you

that."

Paul looked up more, resting his head on the arm of the couch.

"John doesn't realize what he has in Julian , how lucky he is. I

love that kid and I didn't want to have to take a sedative today. I

just wanted to spend time with him."

George slowly brought his hand over to Paul and placed it on his

shoulder rubbing it gently.

"John is better with Julian these days."

Paul nodded . "A boy needs his parents to make him felt safe and

protected"

George understood immediately the undertone of what Paul was saying.

"You miss your mum don't you?"

Paul just lay there in a state.

George wanted to help him, to get through to him. He felt bad about

what had happened to make Paul fall backwards. He moved his hand

down to Paul's hand and held it in his.

"Listen to me Paul. " He said in a soft and soothing tone.

"Remember when we meditated? "

The only thing Paul could do was nod yes to him. He felt weak, tired

and like that fragile thing John had spoken of.

George didn't let go of his hand as he started talking in the same

tone again.

"Close your eyes and think of a place…..I know a grassy hill on your

farm …..Now I want you to breathe slowly in through your nose and

exhale slowly through your mouth. Think, think about how the grass

feels, how warm the breeze is blowing through your hair, of the sun

shining down on you. Calm and peaceful, no one around you , safe and

warm. Think and concentrate on just that as you breathe slowly just

the way I told you to. It's so lovely there up on your hill and so

quiet. Listen to the birds and smell the scent of the lilacs in the

air. Relax and just breathe, concentrating on how relaxed you feel

sitting on that hill."

George could see Paul starting to relax. His shoulders drooped , his

breathing became more even and his shaking had lessened.

John came into the room and stood there watching and listening to

George. He looked at Paul and saw him relaxing. He felt a twinge of

jealousy that he couldn't do that for Paul and another twinge that

he had been the one to put him in this state to begin with. He

walked quietly over to George and tapped his shoulder not wanting to

disturb Paul. George jumped not expecting John's intrusion on his

semi -meditated state.

John gave him the pill and cup of water. He stood for a moment as

George looked up at him and then back to Paul continuing to describe

the soothing positive thoughts.

John walked towards the door knowing he wasn't needed and feeling

like an intruder, he sadly watched them for a minute before he left.

After a little while George decided to add to Paul's image.

"I know you miss your mum . Picture her coming up and sitting beside

you and putting her arms around you in a loving hold. Listen to what

she tells you……."

George could see a smile creep across Paul's face and knew the image

was there. He waited for a few minutes before he spoke again to

bring him back, hopefully calmer then what he had been before.

"Paul , it's time to come back. Keep breathing in through your nose

and out your mouth. Let the image fade slowly before you open your

eyes. When you do bring home the positive energy you felt in your

quiet place. ………Open your eyes Paulie, come ead open them ."

Paul didn't want to come back ever. He wanted to stay in this

imaginary dream state George had led him to. He heard George call to

him, bringing him slowly back and as the image faded he opened his

eyes . He felt better, calmer and the whole time George was holding

his hand. He looked at his hand in George's and wondered if somehow

the energy had past through George to him. Beautiful, he thought as

he focused on their hands. Together, the energy passing from one to

another and then his eyes slid up slowly to George's.

George watched as he came out of it. He watched Paul stare at their

hands and then saw his eyes gaze up at his. The love he saw in those

eyes took him aback. The love he saw in those large eyes reminded

him of a younger more innocent time. When the stare was broken he

realized he had felt the emotions that Paul was feeling. Strange ,

he thought how tuned in to each other they had been for just that

few minutes. He released Paul's hand and handed him the cup of water

and pill that John had brought up.

"I don't need that Hari….I feel better." Came a thick dazed voice.

"You do ….now here you go."

He handed it to Paul, who took it with out a fight.

"Your mum? …..Did you see her?"

"Yes, thank you for that….. ….She reminded me of your mum ."

"Did she?"

"Yeah, that's one of the things I always loved about your mum. She

encouraged you to do what you loved to do. When your fingers bled

from the guitar and everyone told you to put it down, it was yer mum

who understood. She never told you to put it down. She just kept

right on encouraging you…..She always encouraged us too…….y know how

she'd bringing us food and tea …..Always telling us how great we

would be someday. She was right wasn't she? Me mum was like

that y know. Everyone always thought I was

closer to me Da and Mike with me mum. She always made sure that we

felt equally loved. She loved us for who we were……..Do you think

she'd have been proud of what I've done? She had always wanted me to

be an English teacher." Paul asked, his head laying back on the arm

of the couch as he remembered clearly everything about her.

"Yeah, I think she would have been dead keen on it. She'd see how

much you loved it and how good you are at it." George answered. He

turned around to fit his back against the couch, making it more

comfortable to think and dream about what they were talking about.

"How good I used to be at it." Paul corrected him.

George turned his head to look at Paul.

"Paul I know you think the music has left you but it hasn't. It `s

deep down inside you. You're just afraid is all. Afraid it won't be

there. It is though…….You have to walk through your fears Paulie.

Walking through them is what's gonna get you back to your dream ,

your life and your music."

George watched as he thought about what he was saying. He just hoped

he wasn't pushing him. He felt this was true and the only way for

Paul to go forward.

"Maybe yer right on that. " Paul agreed as he thought about it. The

imagery that George had talked him through had helped him. He had

forgotten about meditation and the simple art of imagery. He felt

the sedative starting to kick in. He felt relaxed , calm and at that

moment the fear didn't bother him. Maybe it was the sedative that

took it away or maybe the images and breathing that George helped

him with. He didn't know; all he knew was that he felt better and

walking through the fear made sense to him. Maybe he should open the

guitar or maybe he should wait until later, after he and John

talked.

George looked at his watch and realized he had family waiting for

him at home. He got up from the floor and dusted off his pants.

"Gotta be off. I couldn't go back to the Pool so I had my family

come down to stay with me. I just wanted to stop by to wish you a

Merry Christmas. Besides , Cyn and Julian are due by shortly."

Paul looked up at him. "Thank you George for reminding me about

meditating and the imagery stuff. I think I'm gonna have to start

doing it again, it really helped a lot. "

"Good glad of it and ya gonna also try yer hand at walkin?" George

cocked his head and gave him a lopsided grin.

"Yes, it's the only way to go forward like you said."

Paul slowly got up. He felt stiff and sore from where he had fallen

when John pushed him. He rubbed his upper thigh and then rolled up

his sleeve to see a bluish green bruise forming on his lower arm. He

lowered his sleeve back down. How odd he thought, this must have

been how Cyn felt, covering bruises left by John. He shook it off as

he followed George down stairs.

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

John poured another drink and leaned against the counter. Yoko gave

him a displeased look.

"John you know you shouldn't have that here with Paul and with

Julian coming by."

John grimaced at her words.

"It's fuckin Christmas fer Chirst sakes. I can't have a drink or

two? Besides, I wouldn't let Paul see it." He said in disgust.

"I'm just worried about how you get after a few of those in your

mood."

"And what mood would that be eh?" He gulped the drink purposely to

make a point.

George walked in to hear the discussion going on. Paul had gotten

his coat and taken Martha out the front way, so George was free to

tell John how he felt.

"I have to agree with Yoko ."

John glared at him. "Who's asking?"

`No one I just know how you get when you drink as well as Yoko does.

With the mood you're in it won't be pretty." George stepped further

into the kitchen seeing the bottle on the counter.

"Oh I know it's poor Paul time and we have to do this for Paul and

that for fuckin Paul. I am so Bloody sick of it all!!!!! It's

Christmas and if I want to have some cheer than that is what I'll

do!!!" John starred George in the eye challenging him.

`Y know John no one told you that you had to stay here and take care

of him. His brother was here me and Ritch and even Mal and Neil. Why

did you think that you had to do it all? " George never took his

eyes off of John as he spoke.

He wasn't afraid of John, as he had been when he was younger. He

stood there confidant, not flinching at the emotion that came out of

John. He wondered if it all had finally caught up to him. He never

really understood why John had insisted that he be the one to stay

and take care of Paul. He thought they'd take turns just as they

did when they took care of John and Yoko.

John leaned back on the counter; he cocked his head keeping a fixed

stare at George.

`Well you seem to be able to calm him down these days. I saw you two

up there, if you think it's so bleedin easy then you do it."

"I never said it was easy John. I just said that he has come to far

for you to knock him back down. You gonna pour a drink down he

throat now?"

John stood up feeling on the edge. He couldn't stop this from

coming. It was as if the dam had broken and the heavy weight of the

water was pushing its way out.

"I aint knockin him down……He needs to stand up and stop being so

nesh is all. He's a big boy and if I want a drink I'll damn well

have it. " He trailed off for a minute thinking about the gift that

lay unopened upstairs.

"He couldn't even open the blasted guitar I got him. I was so

excited and I know if he opened it he would have been too. The

music; it would come back to him and he would be his old confident

self. I saw it in him this morning when I woke him. He was like he

used to be I told you that. You just didn't see it!" John exclaimed.

"And I told you he would slowly be that person again but it takes

time. He couldn't open that guitar…. He knew what it was and it

scared him to think of holding it and not being able to play it."

George answered him and lit up a cigarette. His annoyance was

growing and he knew he had to leave to go home to his family. He

didn't want to go home like this or have to worry that John might do

something when he left.

John stood tall shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Fuckin Hell Geo didn't you hear me ? He's not a nancey boy; it

would come right back to him I tell you!!! I want to help him get it

back don't you see that???? That's why I chose to stay here because

I have to be the one to help him get back…… I have to be the

one!!!!!"

"Why John? Why you ?" George stood there sternly . He had known for

some time that something was bothering John about everything that

had happened to Paul and to Cyn. He acted as if he were responsible

for it and George didn't know why.

John turned away from George. He didn't want to say it out loud ,

he didn't want to admit it to anyone else. Christ it was hard enough

to admit to himself. He sipped his drink and also lit a cigarette

to calm his nerves.

Yoko stood there silently listening to them. She knew John felt

responsible for the whole mess. He didn't have to tell her she just

knew him that well.

"I think George that John feels responsible for Sandy getting to

Paul and then everything that happened." Yoko said quietly.

John whirled around at the thought of being betrayed by the only

person he thought he could depend on. He didn't know why she told

his secrets and it hurt him.

George saw the hurt on John's face , he saw the anger creep across

it once again, trying to hid the true feelings underneath.

"Mother" he breathed quietly. "Why did you say that?"

"Because John you have to face the truth and I think George is on to

it anyway." She looked lovingly at the man she loved. He looked

angry but also confused by her actions.

"I can't believe you'd go and say that! It's all Bullshit anyway

isn't it. " He took his drink and cigarette and walked to the other

side of the room. Away from George and away from Yoko; he felt as if

they were ganging up on him. Didn't they see? Paul was better and

coddling him only kept him where he was. He felt disgusted at the

thought; he wanted the guilt to leave and Paul to take its place. He

just wanted some sanity back in his life.

"John we're not trying to attack you." George said quietly, knowing

that's how John saw it.

"Aren't you? Christ George you think this is normal? " He shook his

head feeling rejected.

"You, Ritch, Mal and Neil all swing by to see him . You don't know

what `s up here. You breeze in and out, only seeing the good things.

You don't see him in all the stages these days or remind him to take

his pills so he won't be so bad. Then he's this zombie at times from

those friggin pills!!!! That Doctor Mills comes round a few times a

week. Oh yes he's getting better , so much better…….how does the

song go? Can't get much worse. It does y know, it bloody well does.

Fuck it all to hell I say to that and let us have our drink in

peace." John drank the rest of his scotch. He walked over and

started making another.

"Does it John? Does it keep getting worse for you? You feel

responsible do you? " George walked up to John, standing there he

watched the drink pour into the glass. He heard the clank and

crackle of the ice as the warm soda hit it.

John swung around, not realizing that George was so close and bumped

him with his arm spilling the drink on his shirt.

"Now look, you've ruined the shirt." He looked down disgusted.

"I ruined nothing that a little soap and water wouldn't cure. You're

avoiding the question." George thought it was an egregious mistake

to inquire but he had to know the answer.

"What's the question Harri? " John's eyes rose above his glasses

daring him to speak it again.

"You know the question but I'll repeat it if you like……Why do you

feel responsible to the point of having to be the one to bring him

back and to care for him . Whilst were at it; why be jealous of the

way I related to him upstairs just know?" George pushed the question

back at him.

John took a belt of his drink. He wasn't sure he was ready to admit

it to George and was infuriated that he asked.

"What the fuck does it matter? " He started towards the door to

escape the humiliation of answering George's question.

"Go the fuck home Georgie Yer mum has some scones waitin fer ya with

the family now doesn't she."

George felt irked by John and knew that was the reaction he was

hoping for in order to make George leave and forget the question.

The problem was that he wasn't going to let on how he felt and he

wasn't going to let this go.

"I'm not goin anywhere until I get an answer."

"Does yer mum know what a stubborn git she raised?" John's lips

pursed and his brow raised waiting for a response.

"I don't think that matters right now. An answer to my question if

you please." George was going to be very stubborn . He was serious

about staying until he got his answer and he knew that's what John

was afraid of. John used these sidetracks to get away from answering

things he didn't want to and after ten year George knew the game.

John felt backed into a corner. He knew George wasn't going to give

an inch. Sometimes he wished he were still that young lad who

worshiped him and would do anything to make him happy. However, that

was no longer the case . George had grown into himself; a strong,

confidant and determined man. He had opinions and wasn't afraid to

say them. He had to; being in a band with two very stubborn and

opinionated men to contend with in order to be heard. John thought

that he had taught him well , maybe to well and it was back firing

now in John's face.

"I'll go out and have my drink." John went to open the door and

George shut it. He stood in front of it making sure John wouldn't

leave.

John threw him a look of surprise. He wasn't sure whether to belt

him one or just answer the question and be done with it. He stood

there mulling it over.

"You can if you want but I'll still stay til the question is

answered. I saw the bruises on Paul . Right nice Christmas present

that." George stood there defining the man he called friend , the

man who had taught him so much and the man who had helped him

through out his life. Now , he wanted to help John and if he could

get him to admit it, that would be a start.

John was taking aback by George knowing his thoughts. He thought he

might have bruised Paul and hearing it from George changed his anger

to remorse as a picture ran in slow motion threw his brain. The

picture of how hard he had grabbed Paul and thrown him and the

picture of how he had beaten him down with his vicious tongue. He

turned and pulled out a chair, collapsing into it, he put his drink

down and lit another cigarette.

"Alright, alright. I'll tell you then."

Yoko sat down, glad that George had stood up to John . He was

finally going to open up and tell someone how guilty he felt. She

had seen the guilt build inside of him festering and waiting until

this moment to burst out. She wished it hadn't been on Christmas

with Julian coming by soon. Maybe, after admitting it he would feel

better and they could start over with the holiday.

George stood there waiting. He wasn't going to relax and sit with

John . It would be too easy to level himself with John by sitting

and making it easy for him to lock it back up inside. Standing ,

would give him more leverage at this point and so he waited quietly

for the older man to start.

"I do feel guilty alright you happy now?" His head lowered into his

hands.

"No, I want to know why you do." George prodded at him.

"Bleedin prat…." He swore at George and then looked over to Yoko,

wishing she wasn't there. He again put his head in his hands.

"Yoko…..I'm sorry……Paul was right the other day ….well partially

right anyroad. I didn't know I'd sleep with Cyn, not at first but I

was jealous all the same. Jealous because she had been mine and now

she was Paul's. I knew he always fancied her for quiet sometime,

even in Hamburg. I also knew he'd never act on it or even entertain

the thought. After we divorced I wondered and then it happened, it

made me green. When Yoko heard me goin on about everything that had

happened between us and how bad I felt at the way I treated her, she

told me to leave and fix things, tidy them up before I came back to

her. When we got up to Mimi's we started talking and then I just got

so bloody mad. My head just pounded and I just wanted to know I

could still have her. It was wrong I knew it but I couldn't help it.

I wanted to be with her one last time. Her crying and me yellin it

just brought back memories. We both ended up crying with me soothing

her after she thumped me. She'd never done that before and I found

it refreshing , sick as that might be but I had to give her a pull.

I had to see if I could still make her mine, even if it was for one

last time. " He ran his hand nervously through his hair.

"Cor, It was bloody selfish and I knew it. It was just so damned

familiar is all. I begged her not to tell Paul, not to ruin what

they had. I didn't want to be the cause of that one. I guess now

that I think back, when I asked her to come back early and told her

not to tell Paul about the meeting it was in me head too. " He got

up and paced back and forth chewing his gum furiously and smoking .

"He was right too about the comment in the studio. I was gloating ,

knowing I could pull her from him made me feel like I had won. Only

it was sick and twisted. I knew at some point she would tell him , I

know her and she is as honest as they come. She's not the bastard I

am. I didn't know that Sandy had heard us talking until Laura told

us. Then it hit me. I did kick the door open for her to just waltz

in and twist Paul around her finger. God help me , I swear Georgie I

never thought it would come to all this, never. Never in my wildest

dreams did I think she could do what she did to him. He never would

have fallen for that shite. I guess he felt gutted by the betrayal

of me and of Cyn and then Sandy took advantage of it and kicked him

whilst he was down for the count."

He continued to pace and chain smoke, cracking his gum with his

nervousness as he relived the chain of event that brought them all

to this point.

"I did it alright? Me the great Lennon with me great wisdom and me

dick…….Jealous of you and Paul of Mike and Paul, anybody with Paul.

I just wanted to make it up to him, to help him because I had failed

him so badly……you all happy now?"

John smashed his cigarette into the ashtray and fell hard back into

the chair.

George could see the tears that ran down John's face as he swiped at

them , thinking no one noticed. He saw the love and sorrow in

Yoko's face as she got up and put her arms around John's shoulders,

hugging him and whispering how it would be all right now. George

approached the table and stood facing John.

"I told you before you were a right bastard." He said softly.

"At least now you see and you've gotten it out. Sandy would have

done anything to get Paul even if you didn't do what you did. She

would have figured on him marrying her and probably gone with the

pregnancy story , you just made it easier is all. Now, maybe you

should be easier on yourself and Paul. You're taking it out on him

and he isn't the one who did it is he? Help him like you want and

then when he is a bit better and able to handle it I think you

should tell him straight out what you just told us." George didn't

say it in anger; he just put it out to John in a brotherly way that

voiced only the love he had for his two mates.

"He knows it . He said it right here the other day and I told him we

settled it with that punch up or so I thought." He looked up to

George for his response hoping he wouldn't hear the same thing

again. He didn't want to talk to Paul about it. He wanted just to

try and forget it and make it up to Paul.

"It's not all guilt , the reason I'm here I mean." John stated

softly.

"I know that you sod…….We all love him. All the same though you have

to talk it out with him when he is strong enough to hear it and

strong enough to express and get out what he needs to with out a

punch up." George gave John a small smile.

"I reckon so…..When did you get to be so bleedin smart? When did you

grow up?" John smiled back at him.

George's smile grew bigger. "When you weren't looking. When you were

to busy fighting it."

He gave Yoko a look that asked her to move away for a minute. She

understood the look and released John sitting back down next to him.

George went over and pulled him up from the chair.

"Come ead and give us kiss and hug."

John responded by pulling George in the biggest hug he ever had . He

then surprise George by placing both hands on either side of his

face and smacking his lips on George's making a loud kissing noise

and the pulling away. He watched the surprise on the younger mans

face. He shrugged.

"You said give us kiss." He laughed a hardy laugh

"Cheeky." George joined him in that laugh .

"I'm off to see me mum and eat some scones." He winked as he started

to leave.

"Now who's being cheeky."

John walked him to the door.

"Ta George……I feel much better….and don't you go running yer big gob

off, cuz I'll deny it all." They laughed again as they embraced for

one more hug before George went on his way.