CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

 

After George left , John knew he had to find Paul and smooth things over before Cyn and Julian arrived.  He searched around the house in every room and still he couldn’t find him.  Even that damn mutt was missing he thought.  He couldn’t believe he had let his anger get the best of him , yet again.  He cursed himself for being such a stupid git. Why?  He knew why, he had told George and Yoko.  He felt sad as a picture of Paul, beaten and defeated curled up against the couch, hit his brain. Cor, he could really be a bastard at times. He was tired of it all and what he had said to him was the truth but he said it much to harshly. That frail china doll that Paul had become sickened him or was it his guilt at letting it happen that sicken him more? He knew it was the latter of the two.

 

What he had told George was the truth too. He had to be the one to fix things and he knew he wouldn’t feel better until he did it. He had fought so hard to be the one to help bring Paul back .  Why then was George able to give him what he couldn’t? He felt that same old green come back into his head and tried to push it out.  Damn it!!!  He was such a jealous guy and always had been.  That flaw ran almost along side the anger.  He hoped that when he found Paul, that he wouldn’t flinch from him . It reminded him too much of how Cyn was when he had one of his tirades. She would flinch every time he raised his voice or his hand. She would make sure she didn’t get to close to him and would make sure she didn’t get him mad. He hoped Paul wouldn’t be like that. He just couldn’t take it if he was. He flopped down on the stairs thinking about it.

 

Yoko watched him as he paraded around the house in search of Paul. She knew where he was but figured after what had happened she’d wait to see if John found him. When she saw him finally give up and sit down she went over to him. He was in deep thought about the whole situation; she felt bad for him. She felt bad that she had betrayed him. She loved him so much and couldn’t watch the guilt bouncing in his head any longer. She had to tell George and was glad when he stood up to John, forcing him to let it out.  She walked up to John and sat down beside him.

 

“I’m sorry John if you thought I betrayed you with George. It is just that you needed to get what is bothering you out. You have bottled it up for so long and that’s no good.” She finished by putting her arms around him in a hug. She felt his head lean on hers.

 

“Your right as usual…..I just found it so hard to admit it is all; to myself or to anyone else. “ He spoke softly into her hair.

 

“I know it is hard John but didn’t you tell me things that are hard to do make us stronger?” She reminded him.

 

“I reckon I did say that didn’t I.” He hugged her tightly.

 

She felt his warmth and appreciation as his arms entwined around her. He kissed her on the head.

 

“Paul’s in the dome building with Martha if you want to speak to him.”

 

“I suppose I should sort this mess out now whilst I have the chance before Cyn and Julian come around.”

 

‘They will be here any minute . I really don’t think you have the time right now to do this.” She looked at the clock on the wall.

 

John looked at it too. It was 2 o’clock and that was the time she said they’d stop in. He gave a heavy sigh realizing the talk would have to wait.  The bell rang five minutes later; he got up with Yoko and walked over to it.

 

The cold air blew in as they opened the door. Cynthia and Julian huddled together with gifts in their arms as they ran into the warmth of the house. Julian dropped his on the floor; he looked at the tree with all the presents then to his father.

 

“Daddy are they all for me?” He yelled jumping up into his father’s arms.

 

“Well son, not all of them are for you . I think Santa said most of them were though.” He laughed as he hugged his bundled son.

Julian squirmed out of his hold and ran for the presents just like any child would. He danced in front of them anxious to open them.

 

“Wait Julian, I think you should go get your uncle Paul and Martha first.”  John told him.

 

“Martha and uncle Paul are here? Where are they ? Can I go get them I really want to open my pressies.” Julian looked to his father still not able to stand still from the excitement.

 

“Yes, in the dome house and go get them so you can open your pressies.” John laughed at his little son. He remembered being that young and not being able to open his gifts right away. It was torture, a torture he was sure his son was feeling.

 

Julian still in his hat, coat and gloves started running for the back door. Cynthia looked over to John as he kept laughing.

“Thanks, now I have to go back in to the cold with him.”

 

“Don’t have to. I just thought you’d want to see our boy as well.”  John knew all to well he was manipulating the situation so he wouldn’t have to get Paul and be alone with him.

 

The heater blew hot air into the small dome shaped house, making it cozy. Martha curled up on the floor next to the bed where her master sat, sleeping lightly, not wanting to miss if he moved from her.  He sat in a lotus position; carefully meditating and listening to the quiet in his mind. He could focus here and think with out it getting jumbled up.  He tried to remember how to reach deep with in himself but couldn’t.  Being out of practice; it would take some time to get there.

George’s words spun around in his head like a mantra. “Walking through your fears is the only way to walk forward.”

 

His fears had ran amuck over the past several months . Where did they all stem from? Some of his fears had been from early childhood. He had worked hard to push them deep down inside only to have them resurface throughout this whole time. He could count most of them: Fears about being without his mother, fears of what they would do with out her, fears of failure, fears from the pressure of fame, fears of the Beatles staying together and staying close mates. There were so many more that Sandy had picked up on and used them against him, playing a dirty game to control him by using them She spun a web with them entangling him in it just like a fly with the spider closing in to eat him up.

 

His self-confidence always over shadowed them, a defense mechanism that had helped him all his life. Now, faced with one of his greatest fears that the music with in him had died. Shriveled away like a piece of fruit left to rot on the street in the sun.

 

 Martha barking happily and Julian yelling brought him out of his deep state.

 

“Martha!!!” Julian ran up to the dog and hugged her hard.

 

Cynthia stood in the doorway watching Julian with the dog. Her eyes moved to Paul , who had been shaken from his meditative thought. She watched as the world became more focused to him and he realized that they were there.

 

Julian stopped playing with the dog and looked up excitedly to Paul. He jumped up on to the bed and dove on Paul, who wasn’t ready for him and fell laughingly backwards taking Julian with him.

“Uncle Paul!!!! I’ve missed you so much . Where’ve you been?”

 

Paul hugged the child and realized he had missed him just as much. He rolled over on his side and again hugged and planted smooches all over Julian.

“Jules I’ve missed you too mate…. You’ve gotten so big. Cor, you’ve must have grown an inch since I last saw you  “

 

“Yeah I have and I am a big boy now…..Why haven’t you come to see me? Why didn’t we come to live with you and Martha like you said?”

The boy looked questionably up at Paul. Paul thought about what to tell him. He loved that kid so much and didn’t like that he had broken his promise to him. He wondered how much Cynthia had told him, he had forgotten to ask her. He looked to her and not finding an answer his eyes rested back on to an anxious Julian.

 

“what’d yer mum tell you?”

 

“That you’ve been sick. Nothing much else.” His face dropped down.

 

Paul took his hand and placed it under Julian’s chin, bringing his face back up to look at him. “Yer mum was right I have been real sick. I am still but much better now and especially since my favorite kid is here for a visit” He smiled and then hugged him again. “Boy did I miss you.”

 

“I missed you too uncle Paul. You won’t stay away so long again will you? I don’t want to have to go to Italy again. Mum said that was part of why we went on holiday.” He pouted as he said the last part of the sentence.

 

“No , I’m feeling a bit better these days. I won’t stay away from you again. I’ve always been there for you. You remember don’t you?”  Paul felt so bad. The child was much to young to know or even understand the truth.

 

“Yup, you always take me out and play with me…….” His face lit up as if a light had just been turned on in his head. “Hey, I have pressies under the tree. Da said I couldn’t open them with out you there too. Come on , I want them . Will you play with me after I open them?” He got up and started pulling on Paul’s sleeve.

 

“Did your Da really say this? “He eyed Julian , while he got off the bed, letting the boy pull on him.

 

“Yeah he did. Now stop sagging and let’s go!!!!”  Julian pulled even hard now that Paul was standing . Paul passed Cynthia shrugging his shoulders as he planted a very quick kiss on her lips.

 

“Come on will you play with me and my toys?” Julian asked again as he kept pulling Paul towards the back door.

 

“Yes Jules, Yes….”  Paul chuckled looking back to Cynthia with a smile.

 

 

John and Yoko were sitting in the living room waiting for them to return.

The noise of the youngster filled the house as he let go of Paul and ran loudly into the room and slid down to the tree. Paul and Cynthia came in to the room and watched as he tore off the wrappings to the presents under the tree. Cynthia looked up at Paul and smiled as he wrapped his arm around her and smiled back.

 

All focus was on Julian. Paul and John didn’t even look at one another the whole time.

“Look!!!!  I got a guitar like you and uncle Paul, daddy!!!” He exclaimed.

 

“Right then we’ll have to teach you how it’s done then.” John looked at Paul for the first time. He figured Julian would make a good cushion between them . Paul gave a tight- lipped smile to appease the boy.

 

“ A ball to play footie with!!!!  Can we play huh? You , me and uncle Paul….can we???”

 

John looked over at Paul, who nodded slightly at John; not wanting to disappoint Julian.

 

There were wrappings all over the floor, the living room was a mess as Julian picked up the ball and pulled on his father and Paul to take him out to play.

Paul went reluctantly going to the front door to grab his coat on the way. John laughed and pulled away from Julian to get his coat as well. He was still looking over at the excited child when he bumped into Paul while getting his coat.

“A sorry mate….listen I do want a word with you later about before. I was a stupid twit. Can we make a good show of it for the boy?”

 

Paul nodded to John and left towards the back door following Julian out side .

 

Cynthia looked confused over at Yoko , who motioned for her to come into the kitchen so she could check on the food.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“John had words with Paul this morning.” She continued to explain what had transpired that morning.

 

“My God, That’s bloody awful even for John.” Cynthia stated as Yoko finished.

 

“He is guilt ridden and he has never been one for patience, although he has showed plenty over the last several months. He wants things back and the guilt is eating him alive. I’m just glad he finally got it out to George.” Yoko opened the oven to check on the roast.

 

“It’s good George was here then …..Cor , Yoko I didn’t know it was so bad, that he felt that responsible.”

 

“Well, it’s something that he has to work on with Paul .” She sighed. She didn’t’ want to be cooking this meal. She wasn’t a home maker like Cynthia was and she missed creating her art and films. John and her had been talking about making another one as soon as they moved to their estate. She wondered how Cynthia could do it. Not want to be creative, even with all the talent she obviously had in art. She remembered John saying something about how Cynthia wanted to do drawing for interior decorating or something to that sort.

 

“Cyn you know things in the world are changing. The women’s sisterhood is working to change how women are to be treated. Women have always been told to have babies and cook , keep house. I was never one for that. I like being equal to a man and create just like a man. Men just don’t see how women can be just as creative and maybe more then they are. It makes me sick to see that …..Thank God, John doesn’t feel that way.”

 

Cynthia snickered at this. “Yoko he did feel that way. A regular Northern man he was. When we were married I had to stop my art and be at home for Julian and all that stuff. It wasn’t until you that he changed his opinion of a woman’s place.”

 

Yoko frowned. “ I just am glad he changed. I could never live with him if he still thought that way.  You of all people should remember WWII  and how when the men went away the women took over their jobs and did a damn good job at it! Just as good as any man could! Then they came back and forced the women back to the kitchens and the babies! I think they were scared off by how well women handled everything. “

 

Cynthia thought about what Yoko had said. It made so much sense to her. She had wanted a career of her own and couldn’t because John made the money. Pattie had her modeling career and George had made her quit. Him being a northern man had felt like John did, that she didn’t need to make money with him bringing it in. She saw the passion in Yoko’s face and heard it in her voice.

 

“I wanted to work and I still do . “ She said deep in thought and wondering why she hadn’t started with it. Had it been because of Paul? She knew he had no objections, after all Jane had a job. Then again he hated that Jane was never there for him. He had told her if she wanted to that was fine with him as long as it didn’t take from him and Julian. Well, she figured that was a change from not wanting Jane to work at all. John had even told her to go ahead and start her career.  It was Paul that had stopped her. She had been so caught up in him she had forgotten her dream.

 

“Cyn?” Yoko sat down and tried to bring her back from her thoughts.

 

“Oh sorry, I was just thinking about what you were saying. I do want a career with my art. I guess I’ve been caught up in everything with Paul I stopped thinking of it. I speak to him on the phone every night lately and that is a subject that hasn’t even come up. I don’t know where I stand with him at this moment except that he loves me and wants to get himself together before we launch full force back into our relationship.” She stared at the older woman in front of her for advice.

 

Yoko nodded figuring it was something like that.

“My how some woman forget themselves because of men. Oh and that’s me included with that . …. Cyn do it…..Start pursuing your dream before it is to late. Paul will catch up. If you two are meant to be then it will all work out, I promise.

Look at this new women’s movement. It is mostly in the states right now but I am telling you it will be here full force. Why should women do the same things as men for less money? Why do men look at us as cute or sexy at the work place instead of seeing us for our minds as well? We aren’t taken seriously; until more women stand up and do it we won’t be.” Yoko took a sip of her tea after finishing her lecture.

 

“Y know you are right in many ways. I have never thought of this. I should start to look into a career. My drawing is very good, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but it is. I have been drawing again and I think I could do a good job, I just have to find my niche is all.” Cynthia said enthusiastically.

 

“Good then I will help you find a place. I know a lot of people in the art world and have my connections.” She was getting excited about this too. She would get a job for Cynthia and at the same time catch up on her connections. She felt a sensation that she hadn’t had in awhile. She wanted to get back to work and back to the women’s movement.

 

“Right then let’s do it. You help me become a modern woman.” Cynthia laughed at the thought of being modern. Having a job that she loved , taking care of a son and hopefully a house with Paul in it.  They looked at each other pleased in their own way and shook on the partnership.

 

John and Paul had played with Julian for an hour at least before getting cold. Both had avoided the other as much as possible except when it included Julian.  They passed the ball around , making it easy when it got to the boy. Now , after an hour of the cold Julian sat on the steps petting the dog and watching a strange competition between his father and uncle.

 

When Julian ducked out of the game they still played. The playing became rougher as they went; kicking the ball as hard as they could and then grabbing it in a gallop to the goal.

 

John leaned down with his hands on his knees. “Come ead Macca show me what ya got their mate!” He shouted to him. He felt the intensity in the game grow. This was his usual way of getting things out. Physically, he could exhaust it, get it out of him and later talk if needed.  He secretly wanted Paul to get rough with him, get him back for what he did to him that morning. He seemed stronger right now and in the back of John’s mind he just wanted to be punished for treating Paul so badly. He knew Paul had a lot of pent up anger and counted on it coming out. It would be good for both of them he thought as he taunted Paul to give him all he had.

 

Paul grabbed the ball and headed for the goal as John hit into him, causing him to fall to the ground. Paul buried the ball and wouldn’t give in to John. John was amazed and glad, as he got rougher with him. The ball flew out of Paul’s hands in to the garden, neither one noticed as a full out barney began. They rolled around in the dirt pushing at each other . John egged Paul on; he wanted him to start punching him, punishing him for that morning.

“Is that all you got, nancey boy?” John taunted him.

 

Finally , Paul threw a punch so hard it knocked the wind out of John. John recovered quickly and the punches were thrown. Both oblivious to the child that was watching in terror at the two people he loved fighting. He started to cry and ran into the house.

 

John let Paul get the better of him. He knew he could fight better then he was and so did Paul. Paul didn’t care at this Point he knew John and knew this is what he wanted. What nagged Paul in the back of his mind is he wanted to beat John senseless and he didn’t care if John wanted that too.

His punches smashed into John, harder and harder they tore into him. With each punch came a reason, a voice yelling in his head a release that he hadn’t had in a while. The physical exhaustion felt good; the release felt even better.

 

Yoko and Cynthia ran out to the garden.

“What are you two doing?” Yoko went over to separate them.

 

Cyn was afraid to get in to the way. She yelled  as she stood in front of them.

“Your scarring Julian now stop it you wankers!!!!”

 

John pulled up his hands reflecting Paul’s fists. His vengeful daze faded as he heard Yoko and Cyn shouting .  He stopped and collapsed on to John. Blood ran from both of them as John wrapped his arms around Paul.

Panting close to Paul’s ear John spoke. “Ya had enough then?”

 

Paul raised his head and stared into John’s eyes, while still laying on him. He tried to catch his breath as he nodded.

 

“Good then gerroff of me you weigh a ton you louse.” John gently rolled to the side letting Paul roll off of him. They both sat up and looked at the girls and then the crying boy on the porch.

 

“Christ!” John rose slowly wiping himself off and then taking the bottom of his shirt he wiped the blood from his face.

“Julian , uncle Paul and me was only roughing around is all son.” He went over to the boy and picked him up. “One day you’ll do this with yer mates. Come ead let’s  go see.” He carried Julian over to Paul.

 

Paul also picked himself up and wiped himself off. He watched poor Julian as his father picked him up and explained it to him as a rough game they were playing.

Game, that’s right , he thought . John’s bleeding game of come punish me fer me sins. How many times have we played that one Johnny? He let it drop as he went to Julian, he had to admit , he did feel better and always did when they had it out like that.

 

“Yer Da is right Jules…..We was just playing about is all. Just got a bit rough. No worry , it’s alright.” He took Jules into his arms and hugged him as he spoke. Poor kid , it must have looked horrible to him, seeing two people he loved fighting like that.

“I think a clean up is in order. Don’t you Johnny?” He smiled that boyish smile at John. John nodded and smiled back.

 

“Think yer right there mate. Come ead we’ll wash and then eat.”

They all walked into the house to get ready for the feast that Yoko had made.

 

 

Later that night Julian was busy playing with his toys as John and Yoko watched him. Paul and Cynthia snuck out to the dome house for some time alone. They took off their coats and sat on the bed. Paul wanted to be alone with her but part of him feared it. Another fear to add to his bloody list he thought . He was so sick of the fear inside it almost made him retch. He held it down and ran the phrase George had said again in his mind. He didn’t know that phrase would be his mantra for a long time to come.

 

Cynthia sat nervously along side him. She felt like a schoolgirl again. She wanted him so badly it drove her mad. She knew it had to be his pace as she knew every time she spoke or saw him. She took a cigarette from him and again thought about Yoko’s proposal.

 

“I was talking to Yoko today about going to work. I’ve been drawing again and I want to use my art to do something I enjoy. I think maybe drawing for an interior decorator or something to that anyway.” She stopped to see if he had a comment for her.

 

Paul listened to her. He knew she had wanted to do something with her art. She was very talented and should do it. He also knew part of the reason she didn’t was because of him and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose her to her work as he did Jane but knew this was important to her and right now he couldn’t offer her everything that she wanted. He really did want to try but right now , God why couldn’t he just kiss her or make it with her the way he wanted? His hormones were still there and he knew he thought of her almost every time he wacked off.

He wasn’t getting better fast enough and as usual he wanted everything now. He new John felt the same way and that was part of what happened this morning. He took a long drag and blew out the smoke.

 

“I think that you should do something with your art. Something that makes you happy. Like music did for me.”

 

“Music still does it for you. You just have to give yourself a chance, we’ve spoken of this before.”

 

“Ah , your changing the subject Miss career woman. What do you want to do with your art then?” He smiled as he looked at her.

 

“I told you…..Yoko has connections and I am going to take her up on it.”

She told him with some defiance in her voice.

 

He rubbed his face. “Right , you did tell me that. Then take Yoko up on it and what happens. It’s your turn now. You gave it up for John and Julian , now it’s your turn.”

 

She sighed heavily “How do you feel if things worked between us and I was working? After all you didn’t like it when Jane was working.”

 

Jane his mind sighed at the name. What a waste. He had been so cruel to that girl and all she ever did was lovehim.  Matter of fact that was one of the reasons he had lost her. He didn’t want to lose Cynthia and would work it out with her.

“Well, umm Jane was different. I was stupid and cheated on her. I was spiteful and resented her not being here for me because of her job. We both traveled because of our job. I don’t travel anymore and I don’t think you will be either.”

 

She nodded as she listened to him. “Alright then I will do it.”

 

He shook his head and looked disappointed at her.

“No, don’t do it cause I said to . Please don’t…..Do it cause you want to do it. If things are to be between us you need to think for yer self luv. Jane was very independent that way and I didn’t know how to take it. I do now and I think you should be more independent. Do you understand what I mean luv?”

 

She understood all to well. She was falling back into how she was with John and hearing it from Paul in the state he was in hurt her.

“Yes, I understand completely…..I am to be independent like Jane cause that’s what you want of me. Is thisright?”  She fixed her stare on him waiting for him to answer her. She felt anger building up but knew it was because of the years she had wasted listening and waiting for men to make the choices for her. She had done it again , let Paul make her decision for her.

 

Confusion covered Paul’s face as she bitterly spat out what she thought.

“No, no….that’s not it at all. Oh bugger that. I am not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do, that’s not it at all. Isn’t that what I just said to you? “

 

“Yes, you did I’m sorry . I guess I am just mad at myself cause I seem to need a man to help me figure things out. I want to be independent like Yoko and Jane, I guess I just have to figure out how and I get frustrated with my self .”  A sullen look crossed her face and she quickly turned away from him.

 

Fear pounded in his chest, in his head til he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t know what to do with this situation. He always did before , why not now? He thought quietly for a moment and looked at how he would have handled it before. What would he have done before? Bloody Hell, the fear made it hard to think. Oh yes, he would hold her and make it right. Hold her and make it right? He felt paralyzed at the thought. Push yourself you stupid git , she needs you, a voice screamed in his head. Whose voice was that, he thought…..oh just the old him pushing through. That had been happening a lot lately and he thought it was probably good that it had. He reluctantly slid his arm around her, ignoring the fear pulsating through his body. He drew her close to him and held her. There now that wasn’t so hard was it? The voice asked him. He mumbled no as his hold on her grew tighter.

 

“What did you say?”

 

He heard her voice drift up to him. “Nothing luv.” Christ now he was talking to himself and answering too. They’d send him away for sure if they knew that one.

He kissed the top of her head; it came so automatically that it surprised him.

“It’s alright luv…..you’ll do fine. I’m in your corner and so are a lot of other people.”

 

She was so surprised by the way he was acting ; almost like the old Paul. She missed the old Paul but here he was acting like him. The moment over took her; she raised her head to look up into his big beautiful eyes and she was gone. Swept away by her love she felt her lips on his in a gentle kiss that grew deeper with her desirer.

 

It happened so quickly Paul was caught off guard as he felt her luscious lips over take him with a passion he had forgotten was there.  He felt dizzy, he couldn’t think and his body began to react in a natural lustful way. He pulled her closer to him tighter, drowning in her kiss.  His tongue searched her mouth instinctively and his hands ran over her body. His excitement grew but so did his anxiety as pictures began to flash in his mind of Sandy and how animal like she was. She was a predator stalking him as her victim until he had let her take him over fully.

He didn’t want that and it had happened. His body shook , not from the passion anymore but from the feelingand  memories that flooded his mind. He pulled away abruptly and pulled in sharp breaths. She pushed him down and smothered him with a kiss that told him how hungry she was for him or was it for his body, he didn’t know. He needed to get away. The anxiety now out weighed the passion.

 

Cynthia felt his passion as he kissed her deeper. It felt wonderful to kiss him like this again and her body wanted him; all of him. She couldn’t control herself as her hands ran through his hair. Oh his taste; he tasted so good and it had been so long.

She wanted so much to surrender to him the way she did back in the summer. Just the thought it made her shiver; he was an excellent lover and she wanted him more then she ever thought possible. She felt him shiver too; this drove her hormones further into gear. She felt her hands run up under his shirt and her heart beat wildly as she felt his hot bare flesh. She felt a warmth throughout her body and wetness fill her panties as she pushed him down on the bed, kissing him harder until her lips hurt. She didn’t care; it had been way to long for her.

 

He felt her touch him , caress his bare chest. He tensed up as she pushed against him and rubbed him. The brakes slammed on and before he knew it he took the palm of his hands and pushed her to the side of him. He quickly jumped off the bed , pulled his shirt down and tried to catch his breath. He felt horrible for doing that to her but it was a reflex he could not control.  He felt bewildered by the actions he had taken. He would never have done this before. He looked coyly at her frustration and watched as she sat up straightening out her shirt.

 

She didn’t know what happened. One minute she thought he wanted her and the next he pushed her off of him and jumped from the bed. She felt the sexual frustration gnawing at her. A part of her cursed him for stopping and a part of her wanted to yell at her self for pushing it when she saw the coy look he gave her.

She sat there, trying to calm herself down , get her body and emotions under control. She saw that look that he gave her with his big eyes and knew it was to soon. She had jumped the gun. Took the kiss and ran with it in hopes that they would make love. How stupid of her, now what should she do? She felt embarrassed by her actions and looked down brushing her hair behind her ear.

 

“Cyn….I um…I’m sorry. I don’t know why …..I just….I’m sorry.”  He fell onto the edge of the bed in a heap, not knowing what to do and just as embarrassed by his actions.

 

She felt for his hand and held it. “Paul ….I shouldn’t have forced it…..I should have just been happy with the kiss.”

 

“No…..no …You want what should be natural for two people in love. You want what we had. “ He pulled his hand away from her disgusted with him self.

“I don’t know why I can’t give you ……..” He trailed off.

 

She saw him rub his face with his hand and wondered if he were crying. It was dark in there and she couldn’t tell.

“You alright?” She asked hesitantly.

 

“No…..I used to rally in the fact of my sexuality and now with a woman I love I can’t do it……what the bloody hell is wrong with me? I want you so bad but when it comes down to it I can’t….” He sat down miserably on a near by chair.

 

She stood up and walked over to him. She reached out her hand and then pulled back afraid to touch him. He noticed and looked up with sad eyes, then down at the floor.

 

“It’s just to soon is all. Give it a bit more time perhaps.” She again put her hand out to him and this time placed it on his shoulder. She could feel tension in his body and how it shook, almost as if he were cold but it wasn’t cold in the room.

 

“Maybe I should leave then. It’s late and Julian needs to go to sleep.”

She kissed him on the top of his head and started to move away. Her hand slipped down his arm and he grabbed it pulling her back.

 

“No don’t leave me…” He said in a small voice.

 

She looked down at him. “Oh love I’m not leaving you…..just going home is all and I’ll be back.”

 

He stood up and pulled her to him with such force it surprised her. He buried his head into her shoulder.

“I’m sorry Cyn …..please don’t leave ……don’t leave me.”  She could feel the wetness of tears on her neck as he burrowed his head into her.

 

“What? Don’t leave you tonight or just don’t leave you?” she inquired.

 

“I don’t want to be left again.” He sniffled.

 

“ I never left you before.” She reminded him gently.

 

“I promise I will get better …..I will y know….I promise if you don’t leave me.”

 

His words confused her. She could never remember him being like this. He had his moments of begging with Jane , she remembered that but not like this.

 

“What do you want Paul? Are you asking me to spend the night or are you asking me just not to give up on you?” She held him and spoke softly into his ear repeating what she had asked him before.

 

“Don’t  give up on me…….” That same small voice answered her.

 

“I won’t luv…..I never will give up on you or on us. I love you Paulie.”

 

He was quiet after that and she felt him shudder with tears soaking into her shirt.

She sat him down with her and rocked him until he quieted down. She was at a loss and just didn’t know what to do except reassure him.  She thought as she comforted him. Maybe he needed to get away from here, maybe just the two of them back to the farm, back to where they were happy.  Would that help she didn’t know that either but it couldn’t hurt. She would talk to him about going up there together after the New Year. That was all she could think to do. He had been quiet for awhile so she figured he was well enough to talk to.

“Paul?”

 

“Yeah “ He slowly sat up and looked at her.

 

“I think a holiday would do us some good. Going up to the farm after the New Year? Just me and you, no pressure and if you want I’ll sleep in the guest room.” She added quickly.

 

He shook his head slowly thinking about his farm. It would be nice to get away form here he thought. Then he realized she was there, her things and he felt a lump grow in his throat.

“I would like that…..only it has her…..I’ll talk to my doctor about it. I would like it if you and I went alone together. “

 

“We could clean her stuff up get it right out.  I could do it if you don’t want to.  Then she would be gone from there and we could relax…..Alright?”

 

“Yes , we could do that……get the place nice and tidy, all her stuff gone out of it.” 

 

“Good now let’s go inside before my son falls asleep if he isn’t already.”

They stood up and he kissed her lightly and took her hand in his.

 

“Thank you ….for understanding and not leaving……I need you and I do love you…….a holiday alone with you would be a right nice change.”

 

She saw his smile in the moonlight as the beams shined on his hair. He looked lovely she thought. Maybe they just needed sometime alone. She wouldn’t get her hopes up about it. They would just spent a week or so alone. Maybe the farm would do him some good; always seemed so relaxed there.  Well, she thought only time would tell.  He followed her into the house so she could get her son home and in bed.

 

 

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

 

After Cynthia left all Paul wanted to do was go to bed. He was tired after a long emotional day. He trudged up to his room and walking in saw the broken bed that he had forgotten about.  He stood there examining what was left of his bed. He watched as Martha got comfortable curling up on the bottom of it.

 

“Bloody Hell, come ead girl don’t lay on it.”

 

He jumped when he heard a voice behind him.

 

“Right, forgot about that did ya? I brought some of those unused book ya got in yer study.” John dropped the heavy books on the floor sending Martha scurrying out the door.

 

“Come ead Macca pull the bed up so as I can slide these under it.”

 

Paul lifted the bed up while John slid the books under.

 

“Hurry up you nit this thing is heavy. “ complained Paul.

 

“Don’t get yer knickers in a twist.”

John placed one book at a time on top until he was done and then signaled Paul to put the bed down.

 

“Other side if you please.” John smiled up at Paul.

 

“Don’t take your sweat arse time.”

 

“So you think me arse is sweat do you?” John chuckled as he finished what he was doing.

 

“Piss off would ya.” Paul said annoyed as he surveyed the job.

 

John surveyed it as well and saw the bed still leaning to low.

 

“First thing in the morning you owe me a new frame…..it’s still to low.”

 

“I think we need more of those unused books of yers. “  He turned around to see Paul heading towards the door of the room.

“Hey Paulie hang on would ya.”

 

Paul turned around, still looking annoyed. He came back into the room and leaned up against the dresser. “What?”

 

John looked a little uncomfortable as he stood in front of Paul.

“I wanted to talk about what happened this morning. “

 

Paul gave an audible sigh. “I thought that was finished with your so called punch up out there today.” He crossed his arms over his chest as he spoke.

“Isn’t that how you always work things out?”

 

John gave an embarrassed look and then he stared down at the floor as he went on.

“Well, I thought you might have needed to get out some pent up anger. I just wanted to explain my self .  I hate when that side of me comes out.”

 

Paul cut him off. “Listen, I thought we went through this the other day was it, or a week ago , sumethin like that. Anyways, I know you feel guilty and responsible for all that’s gone on but you see that was the past so I release you of it, you’ve done your penance. Leave it there and just get on with it.”

 

John heard the annoyance still in his voice. He was surprised that Paul knew how he felt but then again they usually were able to see what was going on with the other, especially in the early days. They had been drifting apart but with everything that had gone on between them, the closeness was back as it was with all of them.  He was also surprised to see his actions reflecting the old Paul. He had seen it more and more. Like this morning and that was what seemed to be confusing and frustrating him the most. He wasn’t sure anymore when the other Paul would just come out. There were times when he knew he still wasn’t right but when he was like the old Paul it was hard to see him revert back. Right now he was like himself and he was going to do just what Paul said, forget aboutthis morning and enjoy being with him.

“Paulie don’t be cross.” His voice teetered from pouting to ending in humor as he batted his eyes.

 

Paul’s eyebrow rose at hearing and seeing this.

“My dear Johnny I punished you the way you wanted didn’t I? Now, I am cross as you say because I want to fix my bleedin bed that you broke a 7 this morning. Don’t you remember?  Wakie Wakie?” Paul started out in a posh voice only to brake down and start laughing.

 

Seeing him laugh and hearing the joking in his voice made John relax and join in with him.

“Come ead then let’s get those bloomin books.”

 

 

They found themselves in the study. John took out the largest books he could find and started thumbing through one.

“You read this? The Full Edition of William Shakespeare?” He looked at him dubiously.

 

Paul turned to him; seeing the book he waved him off and pulled out a book from the shelf as he spoke. “Naw I couldn’t understand it. I tried because Janie wanted me to but couldn’t understand a word of it. I found these cheater guides and read them instead so as I’d know what she was goin on about.” He snickered at the thought.

 

“Well I’ll be. James Paul McCartney a cheater, who would have known that one?” He said in a playful posh voice.

 

“ Oh get on……You didn’t think I’d read all of them did you? I did read some that interested me though.” He said thoughtfully.

 

“Oh only the ones with the naughty bits in them I bet.” John added in an old lecherous voice.

 

At that they both burst out laughing. Paul sat down on the corner of the desk.

“Now you’re not helping here.”

 

“Course I am Paulie I’m adding comedy relief.” He laughed harder.

 

“Oh I see that laugh along with Lennon deal? Blimey, you could do better then that now.” Paul smiled as he picked up the books and headed towards his room. John ran up along side of him carrying the heavy books up the stairs, both laughing and giggling as they went.

 

 

Yoko sat watching the television . She had heard the commotion and was glad they were clowning around and not fighting. She had wanted to spent some time alone with John but seeing him this happy made her feel good. She wasn’t going to interfere, it seemed important to be with Paul while he was more like his old self. She smiled at their antics as they ran through the house and clopped up the stairs.

 

 

They stacked some more books in place and then put another column in the middle for more support. Paul sat gingerly on the bed half expecting it to fall under his weight. When it didn’t he relaxed. John stood in front on him, a smug look on his face.

 

“I told ya it would work.”

 

“Yeah I hope it doesn’t fall in the middle of the night. Cor, now I’m not even tired anymore.” He exclaimed.

 

John didn’t know whether he should push it or not. He was dying to get Paul to open the guitar. He stood there thinking about it.

 

Paul saw the look on John’s face and wondered if he was thinking about the present that was left unopened upstairs. The thought of this morning sickened him, but again George’s words came to him.  He wondered if he should or if he should wait until the morning. Well, he did feel better right now and the way his moods had been changing maybe he should try it right now. Besides, if he went to bed he knew he would just think about Cynthia and how frustrated he was with himself. Maybe, he could talk to John about it since his mood was rather good at the moment. Paul got off the bed and tugged at John’s arm as he walked towards the door.

 

“Come ead let’s go open the pressie you got me. The one upstairs in the music room.”

 

John was surprised by this and by how he had just been thinking the same thing. He wasn’t going to question it and so he followed Paul, making a note not to pull the same thing he did that morning.

 

 

They reached the music room and closed the door. John lagged behind allowing Paul to make all the moves. He watched as Paul looked around and saw something cross his face then disappear .

 

Paul surveyed the room and fear passed through him as the memories of that morning came flooding back. He quickly pushed them aside using that mantra again. He sat down picking up the box; he ripped the wrapping off of it. Then slowly he opened the cardboard box revealing a hard leather case. He took it out and balanced it on the couch. He looked at it for a minute, the fear still there he pushed it down and began to unlatch the case. He opened it and stared at the most beautifully custom made guitar he had ever seen. The guitar had been made to his specifications . He remembered seeing it with John whilst they were in New York and telling him exactly how he wanted it. John had made sure to it, didn’t he? No wonder he was so disappointed when it wasn’t opened this morning. He took it out and examined it; from top to bottom he noticed every curve, every detail. It was blond in color and remembered how John had teased him by saying he was partial to blonds. A smile crept across his face at the memory .

 

John watched him in anticipation as he took the guitar out and examined it thoroughly . He had been very sure that everything Paul wanted was on it. He felt nervous with the inspection and only relaxed when he saw the smile creep across Paul’s face. At that point John stepped up to him.

“I had it bespoken fer ya…..had one done fer me as well.”

 

Paul ran his hands over it, gently stroking every part as if it were a woman. He looked amazed as the words John spoke hit him.

 

“Do you like it?”

 

“It’s brilliant, fantastic even.” Said Paul as he kept an eye on it.

 

John went over to the back of the piano and got the one he bought. It was very similar to Paul’s only a darker color. He brought it over and sat down opposite to Paul. He strummed the strings on the guitar. The tone was perfection as it rang out through the room. His eyes went to Paul , who by this time had slowly pulled his guitar into his lap.

 

“Ya gonna have a go then?”

 

Paul felt every nerve in his body tingle. He wanted so much to play this enchanting instrument but was afraid he wouldn’t be able to.  He again pushed his fears down and nodded to John but then just stared at his hands and then the guitar.

 

John saw the hesitation and decided a little encouragement was needed and so he strummed his guitar again. He knew Paul hadn’t played in sometime and that his fingers were no longer calloused . It would be a little harder for him to play as naturally as he had before, he would have to build up callouses, but first he had to build up his courage and self- confidence.

 

“Just strum it and see how it sounds.” Encouraged John.

 

Paul nodded; he bit his lip to the point where the metallic taste ran throughout his mouth. He brushed his hand lightly over the strings making a quiet sound and then again he strummed louder. He winced as he heard how out of tune it was. He looked up at John as he sucked the remaining blood in his mouth.

 

John heard it too and cursed himself for kicking the box and putting it out of tune. He had tuned it before he wrapped it, but then again he thought, maybe this was a good thing; now Paul would have to tune it. He knew how Paul had a perfect ear for tuning and even if it were just a tad off he would hear it and stop everyone so he could tune.

 

Paul sat there battling back and forth with himself. He knew he wanted to tune it and John expected him to do it. His mind raced trying to remember how to do it. He remembered how as a child he had learnt it from a friend of his and how over time he learnt to do it perfectly. He concentrated on the memory of that friend and of that moment when he was shown. He then pushed his memory to a point where he had shown John how to tune his guitar when he met him. He slowly began one string at a time tuning it to the memory of him showing John. He started with the G and then it flowed back to him as the guitar became in perfect tune. He smiled as he finished and he felt like that kid again , proud of the fact that he had finally done it.  He strummed it loud and clear, hearing the most delightful sound he had heard in quiet some time.

 

“Sounds good to me, nice tone to it and it’s clear you can’t hear the scratching on the strings as you go from chord to chord.” Explained John.

 

Paul nodded again not knowing where to go from here. He felt lost and the fear was slowly coming back.

 

John noticed the fear sliding back into Paul’s face and quickly decided to make him play some notes along with him.

 

“Here follow me and play the notes I do.” John told him.

 

He slowly hit a chord at a time, telling Paul what it was and waiting for him to emulate it.

“C ……A minor ……..back to C……A minor again ……C…..                       A minor…..C…..that’s good now try G…..now F7……                               back to A minor…..C……now G7……C and finally  back to A minor. That wasn’t so bad was it? You did great now let’s try it a bit faster. I’ll call them out again?”

 

Paul shook his head at that. He would remember them, for some reason they seemed so familiar.  He watched John and played along with him. By the fourth time it was fast enough to where Paul could make out the melody. He stopped at the end of it and stared with recognition at John.

 

“You …..you …I mean we just played From Me To You.” He stammered.

 

John smiled up at him. “Yeah we did at that. It came back to you did it? “

 

Disbelief crossed Paul’s face as it hit him. He played a song and one that they had written. “It should y know I helped write it.”

He still couldn’t get over it and as the numbness wore off he found he wanted to play it again.

“Again!” He exclaimed excitedly as a child would.

 

John laughed and they played it over and over until Paul no longer had to look to John for the chords and they were able to play the whole song through.

 

Paul’s fingers were sore and one of them had sliced opened a bit. He put the guitar back in its case and smiled at John.

“You tricked me in to playing that……I thought I was just re-learning some chords.”

 

John nodded , his face held a tight lipped grin as he answered.

“Yes, well our earlier songs only had a few chords that we played over and over again so I thought it would do.”

 

 

A few days had passed since they played the guitar and John had been taking Paul up to the music room for a few hours a day going over chords and songs.

He had planned that New Years everyone would come over and if the mood was right they’d end up in the music room playing together.

 

The night before New Years John couldn’t sleep he tossed and turned in bed . He looked at the clock on the bed stand to see it read 3AM.  Christ, I just want some sleep , he yelled in his brain. He finally gave up hope and carefully got out of bed. He took care in not waking Yoko, who slept peacefully on the other side and oblivious to his troubles. He slid on his silk robe over his pajama bottoms and walked out into the hall. He heard a faint noise and followed it down the hall. He noticed Paul’s door open, he and Martha were nowhere in the room. The sound was a little louder and he noticed it came from the music room. He stalked up the stair careful not to make a sound as his knees cracked under the pressure. He placed himself by the door and sat listening to a beautiful melody that he had never heard before. There were parts of it that almost sounded church like and as he listened he realized it was coming from the piano.  There were no words , just music that drifted out from under the door. Curiously, he got up and opened the door slowly so he wouldn’t disturb Paul. He didn’t count on Martha as she heard him come in and pranced over barking at first and then pushing at his hand for a pet. He petted the dog and watched as Paul stopped, startled by the intrusion.

 

“Sounded good that.” John commented as he walked to the piano and rested his tired body against it.

 

“Sorry didn’t mean to wake you. I didn’t know you could hear it in your room.” Paul said coyly.

 

“No you can’t. I couldn’t sleep and heard it as I walked down the hall. What is it?”

 

“It’s been on me mind for quiet some time and just lately was able to put it down.”

 

John noticed him wringing his hands and then saw the notebook on the stand.

“Words? Does it have any?” inquired John as he peeked over at the book.

 

“A yeah it does…….here.” He handed the book over to John.

 

John went over the words and they seemed to all be there. To him it looked like a finished piece.

“Play it with the words then.” John handed the book back and waited expectantly.

 

“Don’t know bout that one. I’ll play you sing it.” Paul offered.

 

“Na , I don’t know it and you do. Come on play for us.” He encouraged.

 

Paul looked at the book and then at John. He knew he’d have to eventually but not this soon. Was he ready for this? He didn’t know. He did know that it was something they would have done together before and he slowly placed his fingers on the ivory keys and the music began. He played it for a few minutes before finding the courage and his voice to sing it.

 

“When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom Let It Beeeee.” He continued the song until it was finished.

 

“ I don’t have middle yet but I hear this guitar piece in it.”

 

John thought it a great comforting song, a song about the dreams he was having of his mother. He remembered those dreams that Paul had had. He picked up his guitar from the stand and sat down next to him.

 

“What do you hear?”

 

“Dunno can’t describe it,…..hear I’ll play it on the piano and you can see if you can get it.” He played what he heard in his head and John tried to copy it.

 

It wasn’t working as well as he thought and realized that George would have to do it.

“I think our Georgie will have to take a listen . He’ll pick it right up. Tonight when they are all here we could come up and work on it. How’s that?” John spoke hopefully.

 

“I just dunno John…..It feels strange playin it fer you…..It’s the first time I’ve sung in God knows how long. My voice isn’t at it’s top .”

 

“Well , let’s see what happens when the lads get here. In the mean time I think sleep is in order you look like shite. You been coming up here at night lately?”  John asked.

 

“Lately yes, a few hours a night . I just haven’t been able to sleep. Melodies have been swirlin around in me head as of late. I had to get it down before I forgot it.” He confided .

 

“Melodies huh? Others you have in that book of yours?”

 

“One other but it isn’t finished yet.”

 

“Show us don’t hold out.”

 

Paul took a deep breath and put out his cigarette. He turned a few pages and then began playing the song on the paper. He played it once and then added the words.

 

John nodded to it. “Well a typical bloody McCartney melody that’s fer sure…..I like it. What’s it called?”

 

“ The Long and Winding Road…….kinda the way I feel sometimes….I just need the middle part on this one too and it’s finished.”

 

John smiled at him. The music was pouring back into him and he was glad. It was still touch and go but it was getting better. They’d work it out and in time for that blasted show they had to do. He got up from the chair and placed his guitar in its stand.

 

“I think some sleep is in order for the both of us . “

Paul nodded as he yawned and stretched his arms over his head.

 “Yeah I think I can definitely have a good sleep.”

 

 

Ringo was glad that his mum could watch the children so they could drop over to Paul’s for the New Year celebration. She had come up for Christmas and decided to stay for a few weeks. He was glad , he hadn’t seen his mum for a little while and had missed her. Maureen and her had always gotten along as if she were Mrs. Starkey’s daughter instead of daughter in law, so it was no problem for her and that always made him happy.  He had missed the boys getting together and he hoped John’s idea for playing together would pan out.

The children were downstairs with his mum so he quietly went up to see how his wife was doing getting ready and to get ready himself.  He quietly walked into his room. He could see her in the loo getting ready from the mirror in their room. He loved to steal time watching her when she didn’t know he was.

He watched her adoringly as she brushed her now blond her. She seemed to be trying to figure out how to wear it and the cute faces she was making endeared her even more to him. He knew she wouldn’t notice him as he crept up behind her and grabbed her around the waist.

 

She jumped as he grabbed her close to him from the back.

“Gad, Ritchie ya scared the Be Jesus out of me.”

 

She relaxed and melted back in to his arms. She loved the way she fit into him, just like a woman was supposed to. The affection was welcome, even if she hadn’t finished her hair yet.

 

“You look rather fetching luv.”

 

She smiled at him in the mirror where she could see his loving blue eyes sparkle at her. God, did she love him and when he looked at her that way she still melted, just as she did when they were dating.

 

“Why thank you kind sir, but wouldn’t your wife be quiet angry finding us in this state?” She said trying not to giggle.

 

“But it’s you that I want not her. She will never find us out.” He grinned as he started kissing her neck.

 

“Then perhaps I should be much harder to achieve?” She said teasingly.

 

“No that would not do at all; I must have you and have you I will.” He grinned evilly at her.

“I shall ravish you until you cry for mercy and those thoughts will be gone from your pretty little head.”

He quickly turned her around to him. He stared at her full wet lips and then into her loving eyes. Her eyes; they always did it for him. Just to see the love they held for him captured his heart even more. He tilted her head and their lips met in a kiss that still had that passion in it, even after a few years of marriage and two children.

 

He pushed her out into the bedroom and laid her gently on the bed while still kissing her. He went over and locked the door before he took his jacket and shoes off. He laid down on top of her shifting his weight to one side so his full weight wouldn’t be on her. He kissed a trail over her face and then down her neck.  He heard her giggle as he slid his hand under her blouse.

 

“Ritch your mum.” She giggled more.

 

“Me mum doesn’t want to see this. Now I need a quickie Mo.”

 

She quickly stopped her chatter and ran her hands over his bottom. She pushed him and felt his hardness in the place she craved. She felt his hands caress her breasts and heard herself moan.  She felt him move his hands; the sensation followed a trail down to her skirt and then up her inner thighs.

She was warm and ready for him.

 

He ran his hands down her lovely body feeling every familiar curve. He pushed up her skirt, running his hands up her inner thighs until he spread her legs.

He unzipped his pants allowing his aching part to jump out. He was glad she didn’t wear those new panty hose things when he felt her garter; he had always thought them sexier anyway. He toyed with her as he ran his hands over the cotton crotch of her panties.

“mmm “ he thought “She’s good and ready.”

He positioned himself as he slid her panties to the side and slowly pushed himself into her.

 

She welcomed him; finally he was in her, one with her and that was what she craved the most. Her hips moved with his with little effort, sliding back and forth. They moved faster as she became slicker. There wasn’t much time, which made it even more exciting to the both of them. She knew how his mum was and she’d be looking for the two of them any minute now. Ritchie must have known too as his movements became more hurried.

 

Ritch knew he didn’t have much longer and pushed against Mo in the way she liked. He knew if he pushed her just right she’d go over the edge any minute.

He tried to hold himself back as he waited for her. She wiggled underneath him as he pushed in and out of her. He could feel her tension growing and knew it wouldn’t be long. He dove into her quicker anticipating her release.

Only after he felt her give way to that wonderful release did he allow himself to do the same.

 

 They lay there catching their breath, cuddling and kissing. A loud knock was heard at their bedroom door.

 

“You two in there?” Came his mum’s voice.

 

Ritch rolled his eyes and covered Mo’s giggling mouth as he answered.

 

“Yes, mum……be out in a bit….just finishing up Mo’s hair.” Then looking at her disheveled clothes he giggled to himself as he finished his answer to his mum.

“And helping her fix her dress here.”

 

Mo slapped him and he captured her mouth again.

 

“Alright then we’ll be downstairs if you need us.”

They heard his mum go down the stairs and then dissolved in a fit of giggles before they resumed getting ready for their evening.