“Ready?” Brian asked when I walked down stairs.
“Yea come on.” I stated. He opened the door and we walked out.
“You’re awful quite Katie.” Brian stated as we walked towards the lake.
“Yea well. Between Shelly and the game, it’s enough to wear anyone out.” I stated.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here Katie. I’m missing a lot and I know that. I mean come on I haven’t seen you in a year. I sent your Christmas and birthday presents. I mean I wasn’t hear to see anything or be they’re for you and I’m so sorry. I just hope that the letters and phone calls can make up for me not being here.” He stated.
“Brian nothing will ever make up for you not being here, but that’s ok. You’re doing what you love and making people happy. You have an amazing life Brian, a very hectic one, but still amazing. The calls and stuff help when I can’t see you and you can’t be here but nothing will ever replace you actually being here.” I said. We sat as we reached the middle of the dock.
“I know they won’t. I feel so bad. I’ve missed so much.” He said.
“It’s ok Brian I understand. You’re doing what you love and I wouldn’t ask you to give up. But I do wish you wouldn’t let Johnny and Donna push you around like they do. I mean come on they made you postpone this surgery for 8 months. 8 months! In that eight months something terrible could have happened and I could’ve lost you. You’re not just my brother, you’re my best friend. You’ve always been there and couldn’t bare to lose you. I mean you don’t have just little 12 year olds that idolize you Brian. So do I, because you were always there and you still are. I mean you approving of something I do means more to me than pretty much anything. If you didn’t approved of Nick and I, I don’t know what I’d do. And…and.” By that time I was crying. I was so tired of the stupid front I put on. Acting so strong when I really wasn’t.
“Katie it’s ok. Shhh. What’s wrong? What brought this on?” Brian asked pulling me into his arms.
“It’s just, I’m so scared Brian and I can’t say anything because I’m expected to be the strong one. I can’t break down but I can’t be this strong anymore. I can’t loose you either, and that’s what scares me the most.” I said.
“It’s ok, you don’t have to be that strong Katie. Let somebody else be strong for you this time. You give so much Katelene but you never take. You have to take every once in awhile. You’re too strong for your own good.” He said.
“I know that, but I’m always supposed to be the strong one. Ever since a couple months after Uncle Jerald died. I wasn’t the one to break down I was the one that kept strong for everyone so they could stay strong. I don’t depend on anybody but you and mom and dad remember? And I can’t depend on you because you’re not here. I so used being strong that breaking down seems like some forbidden action.” I replied.
“Katie it’s ok to break down sometimes. It’s ok to cry too. You’ve got people you can depend on. Me, Kevin, Tim, Harry…Nick, we’re all here. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Nick loves you, he’d love to be your shoulder to cry on, to care of you and he knows he doesn’t have to. That’s just Nick, he loves to be there for the people he loves. He loves to spoil them too, believe me if you’d seen all the stuff he sent for Aaron and Angel on their birthday. Dang he sent them as much as I got from everybody on my birthday.” He chuckling a little at the last couple of sentences.
“Sounds like Nick.” I giggled.
“There that’s better.” Brian chuckled. I giggled a little and smiled back. I grabbed a rock and threw it skipping it across the lake a ways before it sunk.
“So what else is bothering you?” He asked.
“I don’t know it’s not really bothering me. It’s just…” I stopped trying to find the word I was looking for. “It’s different. Kinda strange. I don’t know, it’s just… Ok you love Leigh right?” I asked.
“Yea of course.” He stated curious as to what I was getting at.
“OK you guys have connection, sparks fly when ya’ll touch ect. ect .” I stated or I guess asked. Brian nodded his head. “Ok what I’m trying to get at or… Ok let me put it this way. Picture yourself in the family room looking out the window, you’re not facing the doorway and you’re in deep and I mean deep thought. You know it takes a couple minutes to get your attention type thought.” I stated.
“Ok.” He stated slowly.
“Ok so you’re just like that and Leigh walks in the room. Would be able to know she was there? I mean without her saying anything or making any noise. You can just feel she’s there. You know you just suddenly feel complete and you just… you just know she’s there.” I asked.
“I, um, wow Katie, I can’t say that that happens. I mean I love her I know I do but I can’t feel her walk in a room if I don’t know she’s there. I sometimes, I do I feel her eyes on me or something but…” He stated.
“I can be just like I asked you to imagine yourself and Nick can walk in the room and I’ll know he’s there, in the snap of a finger. It’s just… It scares the crap out of me. I don’t what it is. I mean I do, in a way. Something tells me that we’re supposed to be together forever but it’s all been handed to us on silver platter and that doesn’t seem right. I mean it’d be cool if our whole life will be as good as it is right now. You know no fights just perfect, literally.” I stated.
“God Katie, I, I don’t what to tell you. I wish I knew what to tell you, what to say but I have no idea. You’re one of the lucky ones. You know who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, or who you want to spend it with. I can’t even come close to understanding the love or relationship you and Nick share. I mean you don’t even quite understand it. I can tell you that I know you love him, that you always have and that he loves you and always has. There’s one other thing that I do know. This is going to sound very scary and you can try and deny it but it won’t work.” He said.
“So what is it that you know?” I asked raising my eyebrows in question.
“Nick could walk up to you right now and you ask you to marry him and mean like right now. Like fly to Vegas on the next plane out type thing and you wouldn’t hesitate to say yes. There wouldn’t be a second thought in your mind that what you were doing was wrong.” He stated. Ok talk about a slap in the face he was definitely right. I wouldn’t have a second thought, not one regret. Ok so maybe he’s wrong and he does understand my love for Nick more than he says he does or thinks he does. I stayed silent knowing he wasn’t done yet.
“When I said you were one of the lucky ones I didn’t mean you were lucky just simply because you know who want to spend the rest of your life with already. I also said that because you and Nick have a love that’s unbelievably undeniable. You have a bond that people who can be married for 50 years don’t have. You guys have been together as a couple, if you count the summer you were 15, for just a little over 3 months.” He said. He was right we had but it didn’t seem like it.
“Actually it seems like we’ve been together for just under five years. I just…I can’t even put it in to words.” I smiled thinking of him. We sat there in silence for a couple minutes before it was broke.
“You know that conversation was too serious for us. Was I dreaming?” Brian asked with a chuckle. I giggled a little. That was Brian always trying to lighten the mood and make people smile.
“Yea that was a conversation I should’ve been having with Sarah not my brother.” I stated as we both laughed.
“Yea well Harry always filled the loving and protecting but mean and teasing older brother and…” I interrupted him there.
“And you always filled the loving, way over protective, worrying, always there, over protective, always giving advice, always making sure I didn’t get myself in trouble, did I mention over protective?” I smiled.
“Very funny.” Brian replied sarcastically. I just smiled at him and giggled. “Katelene, Katelene, what am I gonna do with you?” He asked shaking his. I just laughed at him.
“Katie can I say one thing on this Shelly thing?” He asked.
“Here comes the always giving advice part. I also forgot to add always giving lectures in there.” I sighed.
“Katie please I just want to say one small thing and I swear I won’t lecture you.” He stated. I sighed and looked at him waiting for him to say whatever it was he was going to say.
“Kill your enemies with kindness.” He stated. *Ok that was simple enough* I thought. “Did you hear me?” Brian asked when I hadn’t said anything.
“Yea Bri, I heard you and I get what your saying.” I stated. I did get what he was saying. I was to kill her with kindness rather than be evil to her only giving her more of a reason to do what she did. “So what happened on tour?” I asked trying to change the subject off of me.
“Just remember what I said.” Brian stated. I nodded my head and he went on to telling me all the things that had happened with plenty of wild fan stories.
Chatper 22
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