“Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall ninety nine bottles of beeeeeeeer.” Grabbing for another bottle Nick flipped the cap off giggling as it ricocheted off of the ceiling of the car bouncing off of his forehead before hitting the ground.
“Hey Jay.”
“Hey what?” Laughing to himself A.J. adjusted the rearview mirror so he could see Nick, lying across the back seat of the car empty bottles of beer all around him.
“Hey Jay.”
“I said hey what Nick?”
“Hey that rhymes. Did you know that ‘hey’ rhymed with ‘Jay’?”
“It also rhymes with lay.” Waggling his eyebrows A.J. reached for another cigarette. “A.J. Lay. That should have been my stage name.”
“I wish I had a stage name.” Nick continued his words thick in his mouth as he took another swig from the bottle. “Something sexy like Fernando……can you hear the drums Fernando.” Launching loudly into the ABBA song complete with a heavy Spanish accent Nick swung his bottle back and forth.
“I should have never stopped to get you those other six packs.” A.J. mumbled more to himself then to Nick. “Now your probably going to pass out and piss your pants in the back of my brand new car.”
“Piss Pants, that would be a good stage name too.” Nick piped up, tipping the bottle back, drizzling more beer down his face then in his mouth.
Shaking his head A.J. turned up the radio punching forward on the CD until the opening guitar licks of Sweet Child O’ Mine filled the car.
Guns N’ Roses. Whatever happened to them he wondered his cell phone ringing on the seat beside him.
“Telephooooooooone.” Nick warbled in a high-pitched voice making A.J. wince. Scooping up the phone A.J. flipped it open plugging his finger in his other ear to drown out Nick’s horrendous singing as he steered the car with his elbows.
“Yeah.”
“Where are you guys?”
Kevin.
“Guess.”
“I’m not going to play guessing games with you Jay tell me where you guys are.”
“Um hang on.” Trying to focus on the sign as he passed it going 85 M.P.H. A.J. shrugged. “I dunno? We’re just driving.”
“Okay so drive to my hotel.”
“No way Kev. I drive him to your hotel and drop him off then he sobers up and goes crawling back to that hooker begging forgiveness.”
“Sobers up?”
“And then-“
“Whoa, whoa wait. You said sobers up?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s drunk?”
“Ninety four bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety four bottles of beeeeeeeeeer!” Nick sang loudly from the back seat as he dumped another empty beer bottle to the floor.
“Ummmmm……you might say that.” A.J. replied into the receiver wincing as he prepared for some serious screaming from Kevin.
“You got him drunk?” A.J. could tell by the tone of Kevin’s voice that he was trying very hard to keep himself under control.
“No, I didn’t get him drunk.” Another bottle cap flew through the air bouncing off the back of A.J.’s head. “He’s didn’t need my help, he’s doing a fine job of it all by himself.”
* * *
Coming up on the intersection Brian slowed down when he hit a nasty logjam of traffic.
Putting the car in park he rolled down his window and signaled a woman standing on the sidewalk watching the action up ahead.
“Excuse me miss, can you tell me what’s going on up there?”
“If I were you I’d turn around and go the other way. It looks like it’s going to take awhile.” The woman answered never taking her eyes off of road ahead.
Turning around Brian could see that he was now blocked in by a Mini Van filled with school age children as well as a handful of other cars that were honking in a lame attempt to make the traffic move faster.
“Well what’s going on up there?” Brian shouted again to the woman grabbing for his sunglasses from the visor overhead.
“I dunno but some girl in a wedding gown is going ballistic at the guy who rear ended her fancy car. It’s pretty funny!”
Girl in a wedding gown?
Callie.
Climbing out of the car Brian dropped the sunglasses over his eyes with a sigh as he headed towards the scene.
* * *
“Okay c’mon you little wuss I can take you I’m not afraid.” Pushing at the imaginary sleeves on her arms Callie held her fists up at the guy who had emerged from the Cavalier behind her.
“It’s your fault you maniac.” Inspecting the cars locked at the bumper he turned back around to face his new archenemy.
“He’s right lady.” Someone shouted from the sidewalk.
“Move your cars idiots!” Someone else yelled.
HONK HONK
“Look lady, you had the light and you didn’t go so naturally I’m going to slam into you. I have witnesses.”
“I’ll show you witnesses you little sack of shit.” Callie yelled running at the guy like she was about to sack the quarterback.
“Whoa girl!” Before she could reach him a tuxedo clad man jumped between them scooping Callie up onto his shoulder where he now held her tightly as she continued to lunge at the driver of the Cavalier.
“Let me go.” Baring her claws Callie pinwheeled her arms in the air, as her world began to drown in a sea of bright white lights popping off in her eyes.
“Hey man,” Walking toward the guy Brian smiled. “You have to understand that this hasn’t been the best day for my….my…..ummmm-“
“Your wife?” The guy curled his lip up in confusion, as he looked Brian up and down from the top of his well-coifed head to the white rose in his tuxedo lapel and down the shiny tips of his black shoes.
“Um yeah….my wife.” Brian could barely get the words out of his mouth they so disgusted him.
“We had a little fight at the altar, you know how it goes.” Brian continued as Callie screamed unintelligible things from her place on his shoulder.
“She’s a pistol this one.” Smacking her hard on the rear Brian laughed loudly cueing the curious spectators to roar with approval.
“So listen.” Reaching in the inside pocket of his tuxedo Brian extracted his billfold. “If you could help me out here.” Handing it to the guy Brian motioned for him to reach into the billfold and take the wad of crisp bills.
“Maybe you could just take that money to fix your car and we could call it even. No harm no foul what do you say guy?”
Flipping through the bills the guys smiled.
“Yeah, that ought to be enough to fix the damage to my car.”
“YOU’RE GIVING HIM MONEY!” Callie screamed.
“Thanks I appreciate that man.” Shaking the guy’s hand Brian took back his now empty billfold tucking it back in his jacket.
“Well I guess we’ll be going now, right honey.” Emphasizing the word honey Brian smiled and waved to the crowd that applauded and honked as he opened the back door of the Jaguar dumping Callie inside before stuffing her dress in behind her and slamming the door shut.
“You deserve better!” Someone yelled, as someone else whistled.
“Don’t I know it.” Brian opened the driver’s side door. “But what is it they say….for better or worse she’s all mine!”