ORANGE COUNTY FIRE AUTHORITY

PIPES & DRUMS

Bagpipe Jokes

You are listening to an original tune:

HAVEN TAYLOR

that can be found on the Tune List page

Bagpipes- (noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.

-Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?

A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?

A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?

A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?

A. Gifted.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticize his fingering style.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?

A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quartertone?

A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?

A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?

A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A. To get away from the sound.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"

Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?

A. Shoes and socks.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?

A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS

Drum Major:

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Faster than a speeding bullet

More powerful than a locomotive

Walks on Water

Talks to God

Pipers:

Leaps small buildings with a run-up

Is a crack shot

Pulls railway carriages

Fords rivers

Listens to god

Side Drummers:

Vaults over fences

Is allowed his own sidearm

Can read a railway timetable

Knows how to put on fishing galoshes

Believes in God

Tenor Drummers:

Can open and walk through a door

Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun

Has his own train set

Wears Wellington boots

Talks to himself

Bass Drummers:

Trips over matchsticks

Is NEVER allowed near firearms

Says, "Look at CHOO-CHOO"

Plays in puddles

Nobody listens to him and finally.

THE PIPE MAJOR:

Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them

Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them

Kicks locomotives off their tracks

Drinks entire oceans

He IS GOD!!!!

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?

A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?

A. The frog might be getting a gig.

ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.

Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"

Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???

A. They have seat belts and an air bag.

Q.      What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A.      No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q.      What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

A.      You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q.      How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

A.      He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q.      How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A.      You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q.      What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?

A.      You can tune the lawn mower.

Q.      If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A.      The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q.      How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?

A.      Add vibrato.

Q.      What's the definition of a gentleman?

A.      Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q.      What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?

A.      Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q.      What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

A.      The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q.      What's the range of a bagpipe?

A.      Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q.      Why are bagpiper’s fingers like lightning?

A.      They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q.      How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

A.      Someone is blowing into it.

Q.      What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A.      A good start.

Q.      Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A.      To get away from the sound.

Q.      What's the definition of "optimism?”

A.      A bagpiper with a beeper.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end – it would be a good idea.

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late - someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car.

Scottish Fruitcake Recipe

You'll need the following:

1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whisky (single malts are best)

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whisky again. Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?