When I finally found a supply of weed after a four-year (!) dry spell, I had problems for a while with side-effects.
We're talking paranoia.
I could only smoke as far away from people as possible.
It got so bad that I took to driving deep into the country to find little dirt roads that nobody used.
Parked in the wilderness one day, I finished a couple bowls of kindweed, washed down with a couple beers, and continued down the road.
After a few yards, I ran into a spot of deep mud -- looked dicey.
I pulled a U-turn, but got stuck.
I was gently easing the car back and forward when I happened to glance back up the road.
A State trooper was about 200 yards away, approaching fast.
Between the empty bottles and the giveaway fug, I was a dead man.
I willed the car out of the mud in a blind panic, and headed towards the trooper, my open windows billowing smoke.
We waved at each other as we went past, and I drove home with my eyes riveted on the rear-view mirror.
That was the bad news -- the good news is that the incident cured my paranoia permanently.
age does not diminish the sheer disappointment of the ice cream scoop falling off the cone to the ground.
I was vacationing in Cape Hatteras, NC when I noticed this billboard for a local restaurant named Dirty Dicks.
It's logo was "I got my crabs from dirty dicks."
Now that's quality marketing!
- prodrigues25@yahoo.com
Two guys are sitting in a recovery room waiting for the dizziness to wear off after giving blood. The nurse comes in and hands both guys some magazines to read while they are waiting...
Suddenly, the guy on the left falls to the floor. He is passed out. The other guy in the room is panics and starts at the door to get the nurse when he notices something...
*Remember, they gave blood*
Crumpled on the ground was the magazine that the nurse gave the passed out guy. It was the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition.
With the lack of blood in his body, Passed Out Guy got a boner. With not enough blood to run both his dick and his head, the blood had to go somewhere. Thus, Passed Out Guy is passed out.
Kind a cruel joke when you don't have enough blood in your body to run the two most important parts of your anatomy.....
- groovygirl169@hotmail.com
The first time he played scrabble since coming to the US, Randy Moon thought he'd found a helluva word. The girls cried; my sister almost pee-d. "Pennies"? He said. Whats wrong with that? Why are you laughing.
You spelled penis, Randy.
Between my gate and my front door I’ve been finding a lot of stuff lately: dozens of loose political flyers dropped in a panic; a pile of “The Watchtower” spilled in a mad rush to exit; even a necktie.
The sign on the gate says “Beware of Dog”, folks. Its there for a reason.
- vice@mightywombat.com
one boyfriend had, at most, a 4" dick. he made me cum every time we fucked, some of the best sex i ever had.
another boyfriend was 8-1/2", also made me cum every time, also some of the best sex.
last guy i fucked was only 6" long, but almost 2" thick - goddamn, that was some good fucking! he pounded me from behind as if it were the last time he'd ever use his dick for anything other than pissing.
and there was a friend who was just average length, average thickness - yet he could pound the orgasms outta me at an alarming rate... and the anal sex wasn't bad either.
the lesson here? it's either:
1) every guy will please some woman at some point, no matter how big, small, thick or skinny his dick is. yes, size can make a difference, but it's also how you work it.
or
2) goddamn, i'm a slut.
- lomaran@imabadlittlegirl.com
My cousins are coming over tonight, and the little fuckers have no respect for the sanctity of the room of a 21 year old guy, I swear. Since I'm going out, I have to rearrange some stuff in my room, ie, hide my drugs, bong, alcohol, and porno. Drugs, Bong, and Alcohol, no problem, they're coming with me, and not coming back home, 'cept the bong. The porno was a problem. I clear out my t-shirt drawer, put all my porno mags and movies in there, and put my shirts over it. I barely have enough shirts to totally cover my porno stash. I think I masturbate too much.
- stan@moderatelyevil.com
Just finished moving and there's only three things in the house to eat -2 cans of sardines, half a bag english muffins, and a nearly depleted bottle of horseradish.
Lucky for me they made a lovely sandwich.
- snikrepkire@hotmail.com
So me and my 2 buddies head down to Austin, TX for the New Years. (Like there is anything better to do in Oklahoma.) And we walk around the main downtown area for a while, and there are these sutpid Jesus-Freaks with thier stupid fliers on every corner for about 6 blocks. These sheep even have thier kids out there handing out these things that say stuff like:
"Believe in Jesus or Burn in eternal Hellfire."
Everyone downtown got annoyed with it rather quickly.
So as my buddy walks by one of the little kids handing out fliers (probably about 7-8 years old) the little kid says:
[Offers Flier]"Believe in Jesus"
My buddies response:
"Santa Claus isn't real."
Its great to give a little back.
Somebody posted a moment questioning the truth of other people's moments.
The way I see it, it's like the female orgasm. You hope it's real, but there's always going to be that nagging bit of doubt.
You just gotta learn to live with it.
- Proplapse@nowhere.com
My friend wouldn't get out of the bathroom. He was reading a magazine and refused to leave. I had to shit like mad. So, I shit on a big white platter and pissed in a tall quart-sized glass "kool aid" jug.
When he came out, I had it sitting on his computer desk with a knife, fork and napkin for him.
"Dinner's ready!" I shouted from the other room.
- jason@evildunn.com
I used to work the night shift, when there were inly three of us in the office, with no boss and no receptionist. There was the main phone number of the company that was on all the business cards and such, but if that line was busy any other calls would be forwarded to one of the other 7 phone lines. Nobody actually knew what these other 7 phone numbers were, so if line 4 started ringing when none of the 3 of us were on the phone, we knew it was a wrong number. And man, did we race each other to be the one to pick up those calls to hassle the shit out of the person on the unsuspecting person on the other end of the line.
My personal favorite
Me: Hello?
Old lady sounding voice on the phone: Is Tina there?
Me: (trying to play it straight)Actually she's kinda busy sucking my cock right now.
Old lady: Can you have her call Betty when she's done?
Me: (ready to bust out laughing) Sure thing!
Old lady: Thanks, bye
I don't know who got the better of who in that one. It was no fun after that.
- sunrise@lowbrow.com
nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women.
- bushtwin@therocks.com
A small piece of advice:
If you haven't had an orgasam in a while, DO NOT masturbate while lying on your back.
Your own semen in your ear can kind of ruin that special moment.
- makeyourself@keromail.com
We kept singing You've lost that loving feeling over and over again at the top of our lungs. Every once in a while she would lift her head from the toilet and weakly tell us to leave.
After about half an hour 20 or so more people had crowed into the bar's tiny ladies room to help us serenade the girl on the floor.
- princess_in@af.hell
I used to know Dustin Hoffman.
I really did. Even stayed at his place in Connecticuit with him and his gorgeous wife Lisa. Lisa and I beat him at Monopoly once and he got really pissed.
That was long ago.
Have you any idea how hard it is to bring that up in a conversation, without sounding like I'm just name-dropping?
- limbo@lowbrow.com
The longer its been since I've had sex, the creepier I am.
- stuff_master2000@hotmail.com
My family was out of town for the weekend and my girlfiend and I got Funk-Nasty, loud and naked in the basement. We did the doggy style for at least a half an hour in front of my brothers bedroom door.
When we finished we chilled on the couch for a minute, and my brother came out of his room and went upstairs.
:(
- kozmit@hotmail.com
16/01/02
Time: Summer '97 or '98
Place: Supermarket Checkout Line
Players: Me (a Counselor-In-Training), Chen (a counselor), the checkout person, and an old man standing behind us in line.
It's Ice Cream Sundae night at camp, and me being a CIT, I have to go with Chen to help him get the stuff. I'm not minding- Chen and I are friends, and it's an excuse to get out of camp for a half-hour. We go through the market getting sprinkles, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, maraschino cherries, etc etc.
We get to the checkout line and put our bounty on the conveyour belt. I'm looking pretty old for my age of 15 or 16, and Chen was in his early 20's.
I'm *waiting* for someone to comment on our purchases. I'm thinking it's going to be the checkout person.
The old man behind us says,
"Gonna have fun tonight, eh, kids? Heh heh heh..."
Man, Asian men blush fast...
- solalunar@aol.com
I waxed my pubes because the immortal "they" say it makes your cock look bigger, and I could use all the help I can get.
I learned two things that day:
1) "They" are either sadistic liars or have a sense of humor
2) A small dick when shaved doesn't look bigger; it just makes it look like you haven't gone through puberty yet.
My skin is really soft and smooth, tho....
Fat hawaiian-type chick sits in front of me on the bus, and her nasty long bushy ratnest of hair keeps blowing back in my face. I get more and more grossed out as the seconds drag by.
So I take out my nail scissors from my purse and start snipping off strands that get close enough. Pretty soon I'm hacking off entire chunks, seeing as she had the bad judgement to fall asleep.
I probably started a new fashion.
The old lady across the aisle just sat and watched, giggling to herself.
- cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com
Driving up to the rifle range in a van.
Very narrow country lane, with hedgerows on each side.
Austin-Healy sportscar gets stuck behind us for miles.
When he finally passes, he yells "Roadhog!" and goes zooming off.
In a few minutes, we pass the Austin-Healy with its nose in the hedgerow. The guy is just getting out.
Our driver rolls down the window, yells: "Hedgehog!"
- limbo@lowbrow.com
so I was supposed to cook spaghetti meat sauce. I used to use woks to do that sort of thang, but our new stoves are wok uncompatable so instead we use cooking pots. I pour in the oil (so I can stir fry the meat) and turn on the stove, and proceed to chop garlic. After I'm done, I turn around, and there's the pot just spewing out smoke. I mean, MAJOR smoke. So being a smart little former home ec student, I know to remove the pot from the stove. The minute I pick it up, it bursts into flames. I'm running around in a panic with a pot of fire, and suddenly I get this great idea to put out the fire. I put the pot in the kitchen sink, and turn on the water at full blast. "F*CK!!!!!!!!" My life passes before my eyes as a cascading four-foot wall of inferno erupts out of the cooking pot. I manage to stick my hand through the fire to turn the water off, which ends the inferno. The pot's still on fire though, so I fumble with the backdoor with one hand and carry the burning pot into the grass. I dumped the oil in my neighbor's lawn.
- invisigoth5x11@hotmail.com
We were driving along a remote & dusty road in the Australian Outback .In the distance we saw a hitchhiker.This extremely good looking girl was in the middle of nowhere. Thinking I might shock my Canadian friend who was a respectable buisiness & family man I pointed out the hitch hiker & said "Lets pick her up.We can fuck her then kill her". After a moments silence in which I thought he was horrified,he calmly turned to me and said,"No lets kill her then fuck her"!
- phizzy51au@yahoo.com.au
I was fucking my boyfriend in this cheap hotel out near downtown (I won't say which one) when he gets this crazy idea to do a 69 standing up. Now he's pretty strong, so he's able to lift my 110lb self with no problems and hold me there while he eats me out. Anyhow, to make a long and interesting story short, after he came in my mouth, he piledrives me into the floor. This renders me unconcious for several hours. When I wake up, I find myself alone in the hotel room, naked, and my boyfriend gone.
We're still going out...
- amberrosensmith@hotmail.com
My dog once ate a whole shitload of pinecones. Of course he got all bound up and couldn't take a proper dump. And what come out was some of the funkiest shit (no pun intended) I have yet encountered.
So I take the little bastard to the vet. The doc gives him the once over and tells me what's wrong. While doing all this he stuck something, a thermometer (I think) up his ass. Now picture this, I'm standing on the left front of the exam table holding the dog, the doc's on the right side and an assistant is standing beside him. As he pulled the object from my dog's ass, shit, blood, and chewed up pinecones sprayed the walls, the doc, the assistant, yet not a drop on me. Oh man I thought everybody was gonna hurl.
Needless to say the vet asked me not to come back again.
- stillbonging@smoke.net
ICECREAM pt. 2
It finally occurred to me to put a small scoop of peanut butter in the microwave, cook it, and drizzle the resulting liquid P.B. "sauce" over chocolate icecream.
Duh.
It's quite good.
- xiij@tyreebride.com
i'm sitting at home studying for my Western Civilization test.
a friend opens the door and bursts in, blurting out, "ha, caught you masterbating."
i said, "yeah, to 18th century europe." i started making the jerking off motion and moaning, "oh god, cathrine the great, landed aristocracy!"
- strongrefrigerators@hotmail.com
Not to sound gay, but there is nothing funnier than watching my neighbor (an obese ogre) masturbate while crying to himself.
- jolly@fatty.net
The other day I was walking to class when I noticed my shoe was untied. "Fuck it" I thought to myself "tie it after you get to class" I crossed the street like usual. A dark sedan sped around the corner htting the guy who was walking right behind me. He was dead before he hit the ground. After getting over th initial shock I suddenly realize, Damn, if I had stopped to tie my shoe it would have been me. Whoever said laziness never pays off was dead wrong.
- Blackdeath1327@htmail.com
Drunk girlfriend, sick to her stomach, in the bathroom, puking, puking, puking. Me, watching, eating Taco Bell Nachos, asking her if she would like some.
More puking.
- vernugen420@yahoo.com
i was at Ozzfest, which is one big lowbrow moment. And after smoking some massive joints with the 14 year olds sitting next to us, but before system of a down came on...me and my friend went to visit the port-a-johns.
We got in line to wait. And this drunken asshole walks right up to one of the johns, starts pounding on the door, screaming...
"I know you're in there, you fuckin bitch"
"Git yo ass outta there right this second"
This guy was almost too drunk to stand up. and he keeps pounding and yelling for about 5 minutes. I was doubting that someone was even in the john.
Until this woman walks walks out, evidently his wife.
and following her...
A man, evidently his brother.
But even better.....the guy at the front of the line walked right into the tainted stall and shut the door.
- imakefires@yahoo.com
Last Saturday I paid my gorgeously curvacious best friend to detail my car for $40.
I sat out on the porch for 5 hours smoking and drinking and watching her prance around in booty shorts and a tight tank top cleaning the inside of my car.
The best part? My other friend (another gorgeiously curvacious girl) came out also in booty shorts and tight tank top when it came time to get soapy. Friend 1's boyfriend even got out the polaroid and made sure to document the whole thing. Every time they leaned over to get the hubcaps or reached really far to get the top, and especially when they started turning the hose on each other.
The lowbrow moment? Everyone up and down the block started coming outside for cigarettes. One old man 2 houses down even had his hands blatently down his pants while watching.
All this for only 40 dollars!
- devolving@mindless.com
I've found the biggest challenge in yoga class is controlling my farts so they sneak out silently. Zen farts.
- cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com
I was having dinner in a classy restaurant. There was me, one of my friends and 10 girls celebrating a birthday party. How we got there is another story
I decided I needed a crap and went off to the lavs. I learned that no matter how classy a place is they still run out of shit roll. It wasn't a clean break so I couldn't take my chances of pulling up my trousers. So with them still round my ankles I waited for a quiet moment and shuffled to the adjacent cubicle. Would you believe it, no roll either. Now I was going commando so I didn't have any underpants to us. In a flash of inspiration I whipped off a sock and used that.
Later on one of the girls said "How come you only have one sock on".
Quick as a flash "Good luck, I'm a bit superstitious"
- thevirginpriest@mac.com
Today at work I was going through and editing the size of pictures in a PowerPoint presentation about safety in the work place. It had around 200 slides of different kinds of work related injuries, demonstrating the injury by showing various pictures of it. Around slide 100 there was a very displaced picture of two lady bugs getting it on. Around slide 150 there was a picture of a little kid chilling by a lake with his ass hanging out. I have to wonder, was the person who created that slide show a disgruntled employee who had just taken enough shit and finally lost it? And well, I wasn't told to delete any slides...so I didn't. It's definitely the little perks that make it all worth it.
- LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com
Top Tip #1 - What NOT to do with a dead dog found by the roadside.
Come out of pub at closing time.
Attempt to walk straight.
Fail miserably.
See dead dog.
Pick up dead dog.
Walk into still open (and rather full) kebab shop.
Slam aforementioned dog ontop of the counter and say "That's the last one you're getting from us until we get paid...."
Run very fast away from mad meat cleaver weilding turk, for a total distance of two miles....
I really miss being a student ..
- psychomoggiebagpuss@hotmail.com
This guy at a party pulled his dick
out, picked up an empty Miller bottle
and pissed into it. Then he twisted a
cap back onto it, and put it into the
cooler.
"Someone's gonna drink my piss
tonight!" he said. Then, he
reconsidered. "No, I'M GONNA
DRINK MY PISS!"
He grabbed the bottle and pounded the piss down.
Then he puked.
- pissdrinkerwatcher@yahoo.com
I used to work at this really busy Mexician restaraunt. It had 2 30 yard dumpster but on the weekends it would be so busy both would get full. We would break down boxes flat and throw them on top of the trash and do a "dumpster dance" to make more room.
One night I was "dancing" and hit a pocket that sank me up to my armpits in slimey Mexican garbage. I couldn't get a foot or hand hold and this shit was like quicksand.
It took two people to pull me out before I sank to the fucking bottom.
Man, that would be the worst way to die...
- stillbonging@smoke.net
I had been living with my girlfriend for but a few short months. We had been dating for just over five years and had gotten over the whole being embarassed about farting in front of each other (a great milestone for someone as skilled at passing wind as myself). So one night she has fallen asleep one the couch while we were watching movies. I am not far behind just beginning to dose off as this enormous rumble jolts me awake. "Don't worry she's asleep." is my first thought, but it is cut short by a slight giggle followed by some teasing about how only I could wake a room up with a fart. This one's a keeper ;)
- evildan81@hotmail.com
a [female] friend of mine was out in the clubs one night on the prowl. later, the prey was captured and she was happily off in the corner having a torrid makeout session with some chick she picked up.
however, the prey's girlfriend was not so charmed by said make out session and started giving my friend a hassle about it.
to which my pal replied "look, before you give me a hard time, you should know that i'm either looking for a fuck or a fight and i dont really care which it is".
now that is thinking on your feet.
- tyger@lowbrow.com
when i lived in a tent near mount hood for a summer, we used to go into the huckleberry cafe and wait for the japanese tourists to leave, because they never ate all thier appetizers.
then ponch got sick and spent two days puking out of his tent.
so we quit eating and just rode and drank.
8 or 10 years ago, we're on my bed, tv on, blankets covering us, my hand in her panties.
my dad walks in, we freeze.
(note: it took more self control than i have ever had to put forth to keep my finger, still on her clit, from moving)
pops starts going on, blah blah blah about whatever normal stuff.
i'm sweating, she's trying not to quiver.
he turns to leave the room, i think, 'whew, we're cool' as he turns around and says,
"by the way, i know where your hand is... have fun."
but he freaked girl out so bad, i didn't.
(have fun)
(she left)
(my dad rules in a very lowbrow kind of way)
- xxx@mntrs.com
If God did not want us to masturbate....
He would have given us shorter arms.....
Or better men.
- oljohn@henge.com
we awoke, i half-clothed, she fully, and both still very inebriated.
large blank spots about the night before.
i sit up to find my shirt (that i don't remember removing), and see one of my notebooks lying on the floor next to the bed.
"She said we will talk about sex in the morning, I said we won't."
in my handwriting. we looked at each other very confused.
and you guessed it, i won the bet.
- schpazboy@hotmail.com
Went camping in Ireland with three friends years ago. We camped in meadows and fields, stayed with farmers, and even spent the night at a lake.
The night we spent at the lake, we discovered we had no clean clothing left. So we wash them in the lake, light a fire to dry them, and start to get drunk.
After two hours we discover the fire is in no way adequate of drying our clothes.
So we just tie everything to my little red car, and go racing around the lake, in the middle of the night, drunk as a skunk, the radio blasting early Therapy?, with no lights on a dark, winding road in a foreign country.
I wish we had passed a native, so there would be stories going round in the pub of "the haunted red ghost-car decorated with bra's, knickers and shirts that nearly killed Noddy down at the lake"
- nowyoucanreachpuckeredhead@hotmail.com
so, when i lived in the east-side punkhouse a friend's band was staying with us, from nebraska. we all go skinny dipping one night, and this super quiet dude (bassplayer?) gets undressed. little guy, in stature, but i'll be damned if he didn't have 9 or 10 inches, limp. we were all pretty shocked, not too often you see one that large in real life. so it gets around, you know, that dude's hung... and the girl i was seeing at the time spends the next week in his bed.
she agreed that it was massive.
and i didn't really care, 'cause he seemed like he needed to get some.
the kid refused to shit anywhere but at his house, and everybody on tour with him swears he didn't shit once during thier three week tour.
like i said, he really needed to get some.
- xxx@mentors-weride.com
Walking past a heavily armed Secret Service contingent, with police backup, I let a huge Taco Bell burrito supreme carpet bomb fart.
What are they going to do, arrest me for farting?
- oingoboingo@yahoo.com
Jeeves just told me how to grow marijuana.
- sensei@woohoo.com
I just keep reading these things and reading, and somebody wrote something about needing to study for a test, and I'm doing the same thing. I'm avoiding all of my commitments to school with this damn website.
But I swear to god there's a liberal arts education in all of this somewhere . . .
- joeblo_28608@hotmail.com
You know what sucks?
*I'LL* tell you what sucks.
It's wet, it's cold, it's rainy, and since the fence isn't done, you have to take the dog out in the backyard on a leash.
It's 7am, it's wet, cold, and rainy; you're in your bathrobe watching your dog take a shit.
Hmm... it appears my dog has some sort of refuse embedded in his shit... hey, look at that! It's a rubber!
It's 7am, it's wet, cold, and rainy; you're in your bathrobe watching your dog shit out a used condom.
Good morning!
- my.fence@is.now.done
So she walks in to our office, looks at me, unzips her sweater, and says, "Wow, I'm hot."
My first thought: "Yes, you are. . ."
My first words: "It's gotten warm out, huh?"
*sighs*
- admin@osu.edu
So there I was,thinking I was this banking Goddess...showing 25 Taiwanese visitors where their limosines were...when BAM!!! I walked into the door.
- sillygyrl9990@aol.com
I was sitting there one evening, looking at a blank browser window. Wondering where I should go. Do you ever just type in URLs that you think might exist, to see what is really there? I typed www.lowbrow.com and here i am.
i love the internet
- godbox@email.com
Tripping my brains out, the guy driving stopped at the Maryland Turnpike service station.
I floated towards the Coke machine, dropped in my last few quarters. Nothing came out. I pressed the coin return. Nuthin. Slapped the Coke button several times, then Orange Fanta. Finally the Yoo-hoo. Not a peep. I more vigorously leaned on the coin return. Still no response. Perturbed, I started banging my fists upon the stubborn large red behemoth. Then put shoulder into and started rocking the thing. Back and forth, til it was making lots of noise as the back of the machine banged against the wall. Fuck if the $50 billion dollar Coca-Cola Corporation of America was going to steal my money.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" quizzed the extremely large and muscular-looking black station attendant , looking a cross between Reuben Hurricane Carter and Mr. T, the muscles rippling out of of very annoyed forehead.
"ummm errrr ummmm it it it it errrrr ummmm" I stammered eyes dilated, now focused upon the apparent knife scars on biceps that were twice the size of my thighs approaching me at an uncomfortably rapid pace.
"I - I -I - it - it -it" not able to to utter a coherent word.
Now his face is inches from mine...."TELL ME, DID THAT MACHINE HIT YOU??" He says, staring at me so hard he's looking right through me.
I lost my thirst.
"Coke adds life?" I thought......fuck that!
- less_than_merry_prankster@owlsley.com
my ex's little sister (1 year yuonger) has always been a real bitch to my ten year old sister... i mean what sophmore picks on a 5th grader?? well one day i went over my bf's house n secretly poured peroxide into her "sheer blonde" conditioner... the next day she came into school wearing a hat to hide the pink hair ~ fealing pride in my prank i went home to find my sister crying about how she still made fun of her... sure enough i took my pissed off self back to my bf's house to "visit" except this time i carried with me, Nair. I laughed devilishy while pouring... to find the next day that angela, the bitch, slept over a friends house that night and my boyfriend had no hair ~ not only did he go bald but he had an illergic reaction to the Nair and left school early to go to the clinic... he eventually found out it was me and hasnt talked to me since... oops
- meagain@analbeadus.com
Harley, UPS driver of the gods, once told me, "Pack it like you know it's going to be dropped six feet off a fork-lift, and don't ever, EVER put FRAGILE stickers on the box. Some loaders only see that as a challenge."
- whiskey_rebellion@penna.gov
Her cat died in the driveway, and since she is too squeamish to remove it, she leaves it there until her husband comes back from out of town. I know all this because her hobby is sitting out front on the cordless phone, gossiping loud as hell all day.
At night, I move it with a shovel up to her doorstep. The next morning, she opens the door, shrieks, gets a broom, and shoves it back to the driveway. Next night, I move it up again.
"Mom" she says on the phone the next morning, "I know it's still alive... it keeps trying to crawl back in the house!"
- cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com
My boyfriends birthday was yesterday. His mom walked in to his bedroom to find me giving him his birthday present.
- yourgirlfriend@rubberducky.net
i walk into work today, and a coworker of mine (same one who told me yesterday that i should go to the library for books, cuz they have so many!, in genuine wonderment) tells me that her septic tank had backed the pther day. "don't flush condoms!" she says, and giggles.... her and her boyfriend had to run around the shit-soaked back yard picking up 400+ used, poop-infested condomns before her 7 yr old daughter came home.
- lizlips@imabadlittlegirl.com
I had realy bad gas today. Left over fast food farts. Warm and rank, the kind that lingers.
I work in a small office with no windows and 1 door that I keep closed for privacy.
People come in people go out, the fart smell stays.
When I came back from lunch today someone snuck an air freshener under my desk.
Thanx.
- alteredworks@yahoo.com
Moby's lowbrow moment — yes, Moby, vaunted musician, environmentalist and weird-ass, sort of born again Christian — made his appearance on "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" my favorite episode ever:
Moby keeps talking about how we all need to work together to save the world, love each other, bring about peace, stop killing animals, and so on and so on.
Space Ghost starts saying over him, "No one cares, Moby. No one cares.:
"No one cares, Moby. No one cares."
Moby finally winds down, defeated, and mumbles, "I know."
- j-love@wellyeahbonoisgod.com
I discovered the joy of masturbation at the age of fourteen. The first orgasm scared the shit out of me, though. I thought I was going to die, and that my goo was some essential fluid that wasn't supposed to be shooting out of the end of my dick.
That didn't stop me from doing it six more times, that day.
- TenTigers@shreddin.net
I used to be the maintenance guy at this upscale grocery store. I was in cleaning the bathroom - the mirror more specifically - when this extremely overweight individual walks up to the urinal behind me. The interesting part was that he was backing up to the urinal. He sat down on it, and began to take a shit. As soon as I realized this, I got out of there as quickly as i could. It was the end of my shift, so I punched out immediately, leaving it for my buddy who was just relieving me.
- bnyberg@oxy.edu
"so uh... think i could get your number?"
"sure!"
she scribbles something down on a piece of paper and hands it to me, in my drunken state
next morning, going through my pockets i find a small peice of paper with
"hell no loser!"
written on it
- layz_e@hotmail.com
Who Is He?
I finally have a woman who just out-and-out loves me. Security in a relationship is a rare thing, and twice as sweet.
Months go by with me basking in her glow.
We walk along the street, hand-in-hand. Pass some guy who gives me an odd look. Weird, I think, and shrug it off.
I turn to say something amusing to my sweetie, and her eyes are everywhere, anywhere, but on mine.
I quickly turn my head, already knowing the guy is looking back.
I stop, keeping hold of her hand, and walk back. He looks a little scared, but stands firm. She looks like she's ready to faint.
I reach for his hand, place her hand in it, and walk away without a word ever being spoken.
Life imitating art? Sure, but this was years before I heard Bill Withers' "Who Is He (And What Is He To You)," i.e.:
A man we passed just tried to stare me down
And when I looked at you you looked at the ground
I don't know who he is but I think that you do
Dag gummit
Who is he and what is he to you?
Something in my heart and in your eyes
Tells me he's not someone just passin' by
And when you cleared your throat was that your cue?
Dag gummit
Who is he and what is he to you?
Now when I add the sum of you and me
I get confused and I keep coming up with three
You're too much for one but not enough for two
Dag gummit
Who is he and what is he to you?
Now you think I'm one not much for intuition
Lord is that what you really think or are you wishin'
Before you wreck your old home be certain of the new
Dag gummit
Who is he and what is he to you?
- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com
I didn't cry when my childhood pet died. I didn't cry when they cancelled my car insurance and repossessed the VW. I didn't cry when my ex left me for "someone younger with better tits". I didn't cry when my sister told me it would be better if I didn't come to the wedding because she'd invited the ex and it might make him uncomfortable.
But when my vintage, softer-than-a-puppy's-belly Uriah Heep t-shirt finally fell apart in the wash, I bawled like a baby.
- cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com
Two Quotes, Separated Only By Time
Rob Reiner, commenting on the 2000 Republican Convention:
"The Republican idea of diversity is to have two guys at the head of the ticket that are from two different oil companies."
George "Dubya" Bush, Trenton, N.J. Sept. 23, 2002:
"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they quickly discovered that ball-point pens
would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12
Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any
surface including at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to 300º.
The Russians used a pencil
- swallowtillburst@hotmail.com
My family spills out of the car.
Some upscale bouutique is broadcasting music on the sidewalk.
I'm transfixed. I walk in. Nothing in there costs less than $500.
The family follows, looking around and laughing at the prices.
I walk up to the supermodel behind the counter: "What is that you're playing? Can I buy it?"
After a bit of persuasion, she agrees to sell it to me.
She takes it out, and I demand to see it.
Me: "There's a wee scratch, there. Two dollars off."
Thus began my romance with African music, especially Thomas Mapfumo.
- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com
I want to die giving and receiving oral sex on my 69th wedding anniversary.
OK, so I know that's not going to happen. That would put me in my 90's somewhere, and i'll have worn out the husband years ago.
But it would be cool. I'd cut a deal w/ God so my spirit could hang around a while, and watch when they discovered our wrinkly, tangled bodies. The coroner standing there, not sure if she should be sick or laugh her ass off.
- dothemath@genius.com
Y'know that old people smell? When you're at a retirement home it's hanging in the air, floating around everywhere, sinking into your nostrils and clothing and refusing to leave you alone, making you run outside gasping.
I spilled ice tea on my carpet. I took out some box of rug cleaners my mom gave me and scrubbed the thing down with the first bottle of juice I got in my hand. Now my hands have that old people smell and I can't escape it.
I look at the bottle I used: "For the removal of urine and feces stains."
Oh.
- My@hands.com
There was this chick in college that I thought I might get some with. However, she just wanted to be friends. OK, that's cool. so I would go over in the mornings and watch her get ready for class and we would leave together.
One day she tells me she may have to go to the doctor. I ask why and she tells me that her feces have been green for several days. I notice that she drinks a lot of grape kool-aid. so I tell her to lay off the grape drink for a while.
I tried an experiment on myself and sure enough, if you drink a lot of purple grape drink, your shit will be a very interesting shade of green.
Too bad I never got to bone that chick, but her green shits went away.
- stillbonging@smoke.net
So in sixth grade, if you'll recall, everyone was kinda embarrassed about their bodies.
So this kid goes up to the board in my class to do a math problem, and when he turns around he has this huge pup-tent of a boner. The class starts laughing at him, leading him to look down, realize what is happening, then point at his crotch with both hands and proclaim, "YEEEAAAAHHHH!"
...and, yeah, that's the only way to handle that situation.
- blah@blah.com
Several years ago I was at a friends house when his wife, a manager at a Kentucky Fried Chicken, calls from work. My friend points to the caller ID box and smiles. It reads: KY Fried Chick
- bcmat72@hotmail.com
We're all sitting around the table at lunch one day. I'm explaining to them why I don't eat red meat.
"It's not for any health reasons or ethical reasons. I just never liked red meat. And I don't care if other people eat it. As far as I'm concerned, cows are baseball gloves."
"Yeah, or jackets," says Garrett.
"Yeah, LEATHER jackets," says Gary.
- HellBentForLeather@CowSkin.com
When programming, cursing at the computer is par for the curse.
But when you start making rude hand gestures at an inanimate machine, its time to go outside and have a cigarette.
- UMCPong@aol.com
Uptight people never shit their pants.
- eatintea@hotmail.com
so
the jack in the box where i live takes forever if you go to the drive-thru
and they have some shit that senses your car, which times how long it takes for them to get your order... quality assurance and all
so they generally take 320495830 hours to get my order and have to ask me to pull forward a bit as to not fuck with their precious timer
well lately those fuckers have also been charging for ranch dressing, the cheap fucks
last time i was there, they asked me to pull forward
i asked them for more ranch
they said i have to pay for it
which is when i told them im not moving forward
so they said 'okay we'll put extra ranch in the bag for you'
i says 'no i dont trust you, give it now'
so they gave it to me, and i pulled forward
its nice to have a bargaining chip
but i hope they dont spit in my food or something
- layz_e@hotmail.com
it had all the makings of a perfect evening. the both of us get dressed up all pretty-like and head out to our 7:30 dinner reservations at a lovely french restaurant. we start with champagne coctails, then an aligator apitizer, a lovely white wine with our lobster dishes (topped with crab meat, of course), and finish with souffles. after our meal, we go out for a few drinks at a local snazzy bar. a perfect end to the evening was in sight when, on the way home, she told me how bad she wanted me. we come in and sit down on the couch.
she falls asleep.
- bignightout@frenchie.com
used to work at a movie theater, and cleaning up after a show, you'd find some interesting shit: dirty diapers, empty alcohol containers of all sizes and varieties, used condoms, the occasional puddle of piss, $20 bills, etc.
The one that has stuck the most in my mind is when I found a large pizza box in the theater. I thought that was rather interesting, considering nobody who was really fat or carrying a large bag came in. Then I thought that someone had snuck it in from the exit in the theater itself, but that door has an alarm on it, and it never went off. I opened the box (curious as to what kind of pizza it was), and there was no cheese or grease or anything on the lid, which indicated the box was carried level.
This puzzled me so much, I went back over the video tapes, but I didn't see anything. To this day, I wonder how the fuck you can carry a pizza box into a movie theater without tilting it and without getting caught.
- Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com
----note to self: I take this one as a challange----
I used to know a guy who played Pecos Goofy at Disneyland. He got fired for flipping off a kid.
- kell_h0und@yahoo.com
When really (and i mean really) thirsty, I have been known to drink from random soda bottles I find in parking lots and such.
People tell me that someone could have pissed in that. But who would piss in a soda bottle?
- no@way.com
"*I'll* take care of it," he told me crisply, marching over to the stove where the coffee had evaporated and burned inside the glass caraffe.
"Whattya bet me that idiot is gonna plunge the whole thing under cold water", I mused to myself. "Nah," I reasoned, "he's not *that* stu--" [Faucet squeak, running water, crack, shatter, tinkle] "--pid?"
- M@H.com
