A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college . The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red "H" imprinted in her stomach. After the examination, the doctor asks the girl how the H came about.

"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even when we make love."

'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor is surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except hers is a red "Y". again the doctor asks how it came about.

"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Yale,and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make love."

The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters, takes off her blouse and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red M.

"Ah, " says the doctor, "A boyfriend in Michigan?"

"No," replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin. why do you ask?"

A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You fuck a lot better than daddy does." "I should, mommy taught everything I know"

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?"

What's the difference between a child molester and a Greyhound Dog? The Greyhound Dog waits until the hairs out of the box. (HARE...like rabbit)

What do 1000 battered women have in common?

None of them will "shut up and listen".

A little boy was taking a shower with his mother and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched me with a Golden Axe." The little boy then said, "OUCH!!! Smacked right in the cunt with a Golden Axe! Didn't that hurt?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar.

There is a sign that says "No strings served." The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch." So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar and says,"I'll have a beer please." The bartender says,"We don't serve strings here. Get out!" So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch." So he walks into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!"

Finally the thrid string says, "I'll get served." He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes into the bar.

He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?" He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"

The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said bad boy.

If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him..... Is he still wrong?

A man walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing. I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?"

The Father said "Well, have you considered smacking the boys?"

The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!"

The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?"

The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it."

The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the boys, watched in horror.

The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles."

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life gard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the cunt that pushed me in."

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million pounds" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes"

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still belive in goblins"

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens.

Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

There was this parrot that lived in a monastary and enjoyed cursing. Each time he cursed the monk would threaten to punish him. One day when the old monk passed by the parrot screamed, "Fuck You!"

Angry, the monk grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer for 5 minutes. When he was released, the tropical bird swore that he would never do it again.

A couple of days had passed, the bird couldn't hold it in any longer and started to curse at a group of monks passing by. Embarrassed in front of his colleagues, the monk shoved the bird in the freezer again, this time for an hour. When he was released, the bird swore that he had really learned his lesson.

A week later, the monk walked up to the bird and reminded him of his promise. The monk said that a high priest was coming for a visit and the bird ought to be on his best behavior. The parrot agreed. But when the parrot saw the high-priest with a shining bald head, the bird had to make a comment, "Ha-ha-ha! Look at that bald dickhead! Fuck You! Fuck You!"

The monk rushed forward and shoved the animal in the freezer. Three hours later he was released.

"Well, have you truly learned your lesson?" asked the monk.

"BBBBBefore IIIIII answer that, may, may I ask youuuuu something?" responded the frozen bird.

"Of course." said the monk.

"WWWhat the fuckin' HELL did the turkey do to have to stay there for so long?"

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.

One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.

There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."

He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."

He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."

She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."

Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."

He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."