Because it's 30 year old meat between ten year old buns!
When is it bed time at Michael Jacksons house?
When the big hand is on the little hand!
What's blonde, had six legs and runs through Michael Jacksons dreams?
Hanson.
What's small brown and warm and found in the back of little boys underwear?
Michael Jacksons Hand!
Various
What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones have a song called, "Hey You get offa my cloud"
and the Scotsman has one called "Hey McCloud get offa my ewe!"
What's the fastest thing on two legs?
A cambodian with a luncheon voucher!
What does a cambodian does with a tin of baked beans?
He opens up a supermarket chain!
Do you see that cambodian with a Rolex watch?
Around his waist!
What's the difference between a whore house and a dwarf circus?
A dwarf circus is full of cunning stunts.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a pervert?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
What's pink, stiff and hard and sends women wild?
Crib Death!.
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia.
What's got five hundred balls and fucks ducks?
A shotgun cartridge.
What did the deaf, dumb and blind thalidamide get for Christmas?
Cancer.
How can you tell if your dad has been having incest with your sister?
Because his dick tastes different.
What's the difference between love and like?
A spit and a swallow.
Why do tampax have strings?
So you can floss after you've eaten.
Why do tampax have strings?
So the crabs can bungee jump.
How can you tell if the barman doesn't like you?
Coz there's a string hanging out of your bloody mary.
Did you hear about the Jewish Black Guy?
He steals wholesale.
What do you do after you've finished fucking a 5 year old girl?
Turn her over and pretend it's a boy!
What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
Having to go to bed at seven o'clock.
What's the worst thing about fucking a five year old?
When she turns around afterwards and says she's had better.
What's good on pie but not on pussy?
Crust!
What's the difference between pie and pussy?
you can eat your mothers pie.
Baby
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing a razor blade!
What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby playing with a plastic bag!
What's brown and taps on glass?
A baby in a microwave!
What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of
babies?
You can't unload a truck full of sand with a pitchfork!
Doctor Doctor...
I feel like a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together man!
I've got a billiard ball stuck up my arse!
Get on the end of the queue!
Everyone keeps ignoring me!
Next please!
I feel like a pack of playing cards!
Go over there I'll deal with you later!
Irish/Polish
Did you hear about the Irish Kamikaze pilot?
He's on his 15 mission!
What about the Irish woodworm?
Found dead in a brick!
Did you hear about the latest Irish inventions?
A solar powered torch and a helicopter ejection seat!
What about the Irish man who though Polyfiller was parot food?
How do you confuse an Irish man?
Put him in a barrel and tell him to piss in the corner!
How do you confuse an Irish labourer?
Put three shovels up against the wall and tell him to take his pick!
Why did the Irish get potatoes and the Arabs get the oil?
Because the Irish got first choice!
What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Gifted!
What's got an IQ of 200?
Ireland!
Paddy turns to Mick and says, "Mick, do you know you only actually use
one third of your brain?". Mick says, "well what do you do with the other
half?"
Paddy says to Mick, "I've got some bottles of Guinness in my bag, if you
can guess how many are in there you can have them both".
How do you burn an Irish mans ear?
You call him up when he's doing the ironing!
Why did the Irish man buy a black and white dog?
Because he thought the license would be cheaper!
How do you get an Irish man on the roof?
Tell him that drinks are on the house!
Jewish
Did you hear about the Jeiwsh Kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrap yard.
Why do Jews have big noses?
Coz fresh air is free.
How do you identify a Jews house?
Padlocks on the dustbins and toilet roll hanging out to dry.
How do you identify a Jews house at Christmas?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes around at Christmas and asks if anybody wants to buy any presents
.
Why do Jewish women like their men Circumsized?
Because they want twenty percent of everything.
What's the difference between a Jew and Pizza
A Pizza doean't scream when you put it in the oven!
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the
car?
Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets
Queer
Did you hear about the two queers in a telephone box?
They were trying to ring each other!
Did you hear about the Australian queer that went missing?
They found him in Sydney!
What about the queer that got busted coming through customs?
They found a false bottom in his suitcase.
What about the two Scottish queers?
Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis
My doctors is a queer!
He tells me to hold his balls when I cough!
What's the difference between a microwave and a queer?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat!
What's the difference between a fridge and a queer?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
What does AIDS stand for?
Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!
What does AIDS stand for?
Always In Deep Shit!
Two queers were on the beach, one says to the other, "shall I put the
umbrella up?". The other one replies, "yes but don't open it!".
Leper
Two lepers were playing cards, one threw in his hand, the other laughed
his head off!
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch!
Two lepers eating boiled eggs at the table, one drops his soldier on
the floor and bends down to pick it up, the other one dips his soldier
in his neck.
What did the leper say to the whore?
Go ahead, keep the tip!
What's the definition of a skeleton?
A leper in a wind tunnel!
What do you call a leper in a bath?
Stew! (Or porridge)
How do you get a leper out of the bath?
With a sieve!
How do you get a leper out of bed?
With a shovel!
Black
What's the definition of everlasting love?
Stevie wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!
Have you heard about Koo Klux Kanevil?
They tried to jump 10 black men in a steam roller!
What do the KKK and Steroids have in common?
They both make black men run faster!
Why do black men eat fried chicken at weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride!
What do you call a black man with a bike?
A fucking thief!
Anyone know why you should avoid hitting a black man on a bicycle with
your car or truck?
That bicycle might just be yours!
What do you say to a black man with a job?
Cheese burger and chips please!
Why do black people smell?
So the blind can hate them as well!
Why did God give black men Rhythm?
Coz he fucked up their hair, nose and lips!
Why do black men wear platformed shoes?
To stop their knuckles dragging on the ground!
Why don't black men drive convertibles?
Coz their lips would slap them to death at 30mph!
Why do black men wear large brimmed hats?
To stop the pigeons shitting on their bottom lips
Why don't black men climb mountains?
Coz their lips burst above 2000 feet!
What does it say on the inside of a black men Lips?
Inflate to 30 PSI!
What do you call a thousand black men on the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What do you call 1000 black men jumping out of an airplane without parachutes?
Cheap Asphalt!
How many black men does it take to Tarmac your drive way?
Depends on how thin you slice them!
You know what the new definition for 'mass confusion' is?
Father's Day in Harlem!
Why don't black men have checking accounts?
Because the banks can't make checkbooks big enough to spraypaint!
If a black man and a white man run in to a tunnel, who comes out first?
The white man, coz the black man had to stop and spray "Mother Fucker",
on the wall
Why do black men have chickens in their yards?
To teach their children how to walk!
Why did Adam had to be white?
Have you ever try to take a rib away from a black man!
How do you tell if a black man is well hung?
You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!
How long does it take a black woman to take a crap?
About 9 months!
Why were wheelbarrows invented?
To teach black men to walk on their hind legs!
What do you call a guy surrounded by five black men?
Coach!
What do you call a guy surrounded by 300 black men?
Warden
What do you call a guy surrounded by 3000 black men?
Postmaster General!
Why are there no black men in the cartoon The Flinstones?
Because they were still monkeys at that time!
What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black man?
An abortion!
What do you get if you cross a pig with a black man?
Nothing coz pigs are fussy who they fuck now days!
What do you call a black women who has had 5 abortions?
A crime stopper!
What do you get if you cross a black man with a groundhog?
Six more weeks of basketball!
What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?
Something that doesn't look very good but it can sure pick cotton!
What's long, black, curvy, smelly and shuffles?
The unemployment line!
Why don't black men like blow jobs?
They don't like any jobs!
Why don't sharks eat black men?
Sharks think black men are whale shit!
Did you hear that the NFL is going to use green colored leather to make
their footballs with next year?
Have you ever heard of a black man dropping a watermelon?
What do get if you put odor eaters in a pair of black man's shoes?
Half mile down the road you get a gold tooth, a radio, and a pair of
tennis shoes!
What's the difference between a black man's head and a bowling ball?
About the seventh frame the black man's head get squishy!
Why do black men make such good hurdlers?
Because they are raised to jump turnstiles!
What do you call ten white men on a black man?
A fair fight!
Did you see the two black men on "That's Incredible?"
One had a job and the other knew who his father was!
A 200 pound black man and a 250 black man jump off a cliff, who hits the
ground first?
Who gives a fuck?
Why don't more black women become nuns?
They only know one word to use after Mother. And it isn't 'Superior'!
What do they call the Harlem branch of Toys 'R Us? Toys B's We!
What do the Kinney Shoe Corporation and the United States Post Office have
in common?
30,000 black loafers!
What do you call a black man in court?
Guilty!
What do you call a black man in a suit?
The defendant!
What is black and brown and looks good on a black man?
A Doberman!
Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent, he wanted to look impotent!
What is black and white and has three eyes?
Sammy Davis Jr. and his ex-wife!
Do you know why Stevie Wonder is always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black!
What goes click click click, "is that it?", click click click, "is that
it?"
Stevie Wonder doing a Rubics cube
What do you get when you cross Bo Derek with a black man?
The ten of spades!
How do you starve a black man?
Hide his food stamps under his work boots!
What do you get when you cross a black man with a Mexican?
A car theif that's too lazy to steal!
What do you get if you cross a black man with a Chink?
A car theif that can't drive!
What do you get when you cross a black man with an ape?
A retarded ape!
How do you keep five black men from raping a white woman?
Throw them a basketball!
What's the difference between a black man and a pile of shit?
Eventually the pile of shit turns white and stops smelling!
How do you stop a black man jumping on your bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling!
Why do they make asprin white?
You want them to work, don't you?
What's the black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow black men!
When does a black man become a Nigger?
When he leaves the room!
What's flexible 14 inches and hangs around a black asshole?
A stethoscope!
How did black men immigrate to America?
Two swam across, the rest walked across on the scum!
Hear about the black man who got his cock stuck in his car's battery?
He was told he had to jump it in order to get the car to start!
What do you call two black motorcycle cops?
Chocolate CHiPs!
What's the definition of "yo-yo"?
What you hear when you say "Hey, stupid!" to a couple of black men!
How do you make a black man nervous?
Take him to an auction!
Why does Alabama have black men and California have earthquakes?
California had first pick!
What do you call a black Smurf?
A Smigger!
Why don't black babies play in sandboxes?
Because the cats keep trying to bury them!
Why did they build the bay bridge?
So the black men could swim over in the shade!
What do you call a famous black skindiver?
Jacques Custodian!
Why did God create the orgasm?
So black men would know when to stop fucking!
What color is a black man after he falls of a 20 story building?
Flat Black!
What do you call a thousand black men burried up to there necks?
Afro-turf!
How do you babysit a black baby?
Wet his lips and stick him to the wall!
Why do black man girls have such big purses?
To carry their lipstick!
Why do black men make good Gynecologists?
They are used to big lips, curly hair, and bad breath!
What do black men and pussies have in common?
Curly hair, big lips and no matter how hard you scrub them five minutes
later they still stink!
Did you hear about the new war movie in production with an all-star-black
man cast?
A PackofLips Now!
What three things can't you give a black man?
A black eye, a fat lip and a job!
There's a new video game called Black Man?
It has two big lips that chase watermelons around the screen and gobbles
them up for points!
What do you do with a dead black man?
Cut off his lips and use them for suitcase handles!
How do black men cheat on tests?
Pull their bottom lip and look at it!
What's clear and lays on the sidewalk?
A black man with the shit kick out of him!
How many cops do you need to arrest a black man?
Three, one to handcuff him and two to carry his radio!
What do you get when you cross a black man and an Irishman?
A leprecoon!
What is a cocoon?
A black man with a stutter!
What do you call a millionaire industrialist black man?
A tycoon!
What do you get when you cross a black man and a Jew?
A janitor in a law firm!
Did you hear about the black man that looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face!
How many black men does it take to conduct a funeral?
Seven. Six carry the body box, and one carries the boom box!
What do you call a black man with no arms?
Trustworthy!
Where can a convention of black man geniuses be held?
In a phone booth!
Why do they only give black man work crews half-hour lunch breaks?
The want to avoid having to retrain them!
Why do black man always have sex on their minds?
Because their pubic hair is on their heads!
Why do black men keep shit in their wallet?
Identification!
Blonde
How is a blonde like a beer bottle?
They are both empty from the neck up.
If a Blonde and a Brunette jumped off a Tower, which one would splat first?
The Brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?
A Golden Retriever.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why aren't blondes given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little
packages.
Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
So they'll have a place to rest their ankles.
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.
Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good ankle warmers.
What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!"
What's the mating call of an ugly blonde?
"I said, I'm *sooo* drunk!"
What's the mating call of the brunette?
"All the blondes have gone home!"
What is 74 to a blonde?
69 plus tax.
Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.
What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A translator.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself or Goes home.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
What's a blonde's favorite wine?
"Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat, under a buck.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down
on you.
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because you wash vegetables there!
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What will she ask you?
"Gee, Are you sure it's mine?"
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking
down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde
- the other three don't exist.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you see when you peer into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.
How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens up the car door.
Why do blonds have square boobs?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Why is a washing machine better than a blond?
You can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you
around for a week.
What's the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around when you're done using it.
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.
How do you drown a blond?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What do blondes and cow pies (or buffalo chips) have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Why does a blonde take the pill?
So she knows what day it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out.
Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
What did the blonde say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.
How does a blonde part her hair?
By doing the splits.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
How are a bowling ball and a blonde alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they'll always come back.
How are a bowling ball and a blonde alike?
They're both round and have three holes to poke.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
Why was the blonde proud to finish her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?
The box said "2-4 years."
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
69 interrupted by a period.
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why did the blonde go halfway to Norway then turn around & come home?
It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang them, the looser they get.
What does a blonde say after she's had sex?
"Gee...are all you guys on the same team?"
What's the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
The blonde!
How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?