Q. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A. A pedophile.Q. Hear about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A. It's mother-fucking good!Q. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Silly, sorority girls don't screw in lightbulbs -- they screw in pools of vomit!Q. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave oven won't brown your meat!Q. Why should you wear ribbed condoms for anal sex?
A. Better traction in the mud.Q. If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what brings no babies at all?
A. A swallow.Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.Q. "Johnny, can you use "indefinitely" in a sentence?"
A. "Sure! When my balls are slapping up against her ass, I'm in . . . definitely!"Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
A. They can smell it, but they can't eat it!Q. How old is "old enough?"
A. Hey, if they're crawling, they're already in the right position!Your mama's so fat . . .
She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had cunt in them!
While on a Far East "sex tour," a businessman parties with some really skanky Thai hookers. Upon his return, he's horrified to discovery his penis is black and green and oozing pus. He goes to his family doctor who takes one look and says: "I'm sorry, your penis will have to be amputated." Wanting a second opinion, the businessman goes to a specialist in venereal diseases who takes one look, gasps in disgust, and says "I'm sorry, your penis will have to be amputated."
Desperate, the man goes to a Chinese herbalist and says: "please help me. The doctors are telling me I have to have my penis amputated!"
The wise old Chinese examines the man, clucks his tongue, and says: "Those Western doctor -- they only interested in money! You no need amputation!"
Immensely relieved, the man says: "I don't?"
"No! You wait ten day, dick fall off all by itself!"
One day the parents of an eleven-year-old boy and his ten-year-old sister leave them alone together in the house. The two kids begin talking about "it," and pretty soon they decide to try doing "it" with each other. After they're done, the boy says: "Wow, you're even better than Mom!"
"I know," says the girl, "that's what Dad says too."
One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she's lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says "I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish."
The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies "I have no arms and no legs. I've never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!"
So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says "Now you're fucked!"
A little girl is out with her mother in the park when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"Uh, making cakes dear" says the mother.
They proceed to go to the zoo, where sure enough they see two monkeys having sex.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"They're making cakes, too."
The next day, the girl says: "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the den last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: "How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off the sofa."
"You'll never believe what happened to me!" said Andy to Fred.
"What?"
"This weekend, I went out hunting, and I came across a girl tied to the railroad tracks! She had the most beautiful body I ever saw! I untied her and I fucked her for hours! It was great!"
"So, did she suck a good dick?"
"Well, that's the only thing. I looked and looked, but I never did find her head."
This guy's late in paying his rent, so his elderly landlady comes to visit. "Do you have your rent for me?" she asks.
"Uh, sorry, no. I'm out of work. If you want me to move out I understand."
The old lady says, "Well, I haven't been with a man since my husband died 20 years ago. If you'd have sex with me, I could forget about the rent this month."
The man looks the old bat over and, although horrified at the prospect of having sex with this wrinkled old prune, decides its better than being homeless. "OK."
So the two start going at it and he begins sucking on her saggy, wrinkled titty and a hot liquid squirts into his mouth.
"Hey," he says, "aren't you too old to be producing milk?"
"Yes, but I'm not too old to have cancer."
Why do babies have a soft spot at the top of their heads?
So you can carry five in one hand!What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork!How do you make a dead baby float?
One mug of root beer, two scoops of dead baby."Mommy, mommy I hate sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!""Mommy, mommy can I lick the bowl?"
"No. Flush it!""Mommy, mommy, why am I walking around in circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"
In a saloon in the old west, four tough, grizzled gunslinger types are playing poker. "Tex" is having a bad run of luck, and is down to his last few dollars. Then, his luck suddenly changes -- he's dealt four of a kind! He can't lose! As the betting continues, though, he runs out of money. So he says: "boys, I'm out of money, but I'd like to stay in this hand. What do you say?" The toughest man at the table, "Loco," says: "I'll tell you what. If you win, you keep your winnings. If you lose, you have to take a sip from the spittoon."
Tex looks at the spittoon sitting in the corner of the saloon. Cowboys have been spitting their tobacco juice into it for almost a week, and it is brim-full with slime. He looks back at his hand -- the hand of a lifetime. He gulps hard and says: "O.K."
The betting continues until only Tex and Loco are left in the game. Tex lays down his cards, and says "four of a kind." Smiling broadly, Loco lays down his cards: a straight flush. As Tex looks down at the cards with horror, Loco says: "Okay Tex,time to pay up."
Tex walks slowly over to the spittoon and reluctantly picks it up. He gazes down into the thick, brown, disgusting liquid. He takes a deep breath, puts his lips to it -- and begins drinking.
To the amazement of everyone in the saloon, he doesn't stop at one sip. He gulps, and gulps, and gulps for a full minute, until the spittoon is totally drained! There is an outcry throughout the saloon. Strong men are passing out around Tex from shock and disgust. A stunned silence settles in. Finally, one of the patrons speaks out: "Jesus, Tex -- you only had to take one sip -- why did you drink the whole thing?" Replies Tex: "It was all one strand!"
What's eighteen inches long, has a purple head, and makes a woman scream all night long?
Crib death!What's the dirtiest line ever said on television?
"Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?"What's the second dirtiest line ever said on television?
"June, I'm going upstairs to help the boys pack some fudge."A guy and a girl are having sex, and the girl says: "Don't you think it was presumptuous of you to think you could sleep with me on the first date?" The man responds: "Don't you think 'presumptuous' is kind of a big word for a second grader?"
What do you do after eating a bald pussy?
Put the diaper back on.
A guy goes into a whorehouse and says: "What have you got for ten bucks?"
"Go upstairs to the attic," says the Madam, "there's a girl up there for you."
The man goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then, to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out of her mouth and nose.
The man runs downstairs and says: "I want my money back! That girl is sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose and her mouth!"
"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! Here's your money back," says the madam, handing the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant. "Listen," she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal another stiff. The one in the attic is full."
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
A fucking show-off!What does 78-year-old snatch smell like?
Depends!What's the best part about fucking a six-year-old girl?
When you're done, you can turn her over and pretend you're fucking a six-year-old boy!What's three feet tall and sucks your dick?
My four-year-old.How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
So he could greet visitors with a handshake.How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the pus run.
A girl goes to her doctor and as he's examining her, he says "those are terrible rug burns on your knees."
"Yeah, doc," she says, "it's from doing it doggy style."
"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"
"Sure, but my doggy don't."
A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"
Did you know that in 1980, there were two million battered women in the United States? And in 1995 there were almost three million battered women? And to think that all of this time I've been eating mine plain!
A guy walks into a bar, and after a while the bartender starts griping. "You see this little figurine I whittled? I made it myself. But they don't call me 'Joe the wood carver.' And you see that big swordfish on the wall? Caught that one myself. But they don't call me 'Joe the fish catcher.' Hell, they don't even call me 'Joe the Bartender.' BUT YOU FUCK ONE KID . . ."
Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"
A young girl goes to her father and says: "Dad, can I go to the prom?"He leers at her and says: "Sure, but you have to suck my dick first."
Well, the girl really wants to go to the prom, so reluctantly she pulls down his zipper and begins sucking. After a while, she looks up at him and says: "Dad, you're dick tastes like shit!"
He says, "I know. Your brother wanted to go too!"
Q. How can you tell when your husband has an abnormally high sperm count?
A. You have to chew before you swallow.Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A pit bull in a pre-school.Q. What do you get when you stab a baby fifteen times with a butcher knife?
A. A hard-on.Q. Have you heard about the new feminine hygiene spray created by SSY?
A. You know, they're the company that took the PU out of pussy.Q. What's the difference between a child molester and a pimple?
A. A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're at least fifteen.Try telling this joke to a guy you know:
"A little boy is masturbating in the bathtub, when all of the sudden he cums. And you know how sperm floats?"
When your victim says "yeah," ask: "How do YOU know?"Q. What's the difference between your grandmother's pussy and a bowling ball?
A. If you really HAD to, you could eat a bowling ball.
A new mother is waiting in her hospital bed to see her baby for the first time when the doctor comes into the room holding it. Suddenly, the doctor dashes the baby to the floor and begins jumping up and down on it.
"Stop, stop!" sceams the mother, "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"April fool," laughs the Doctor, "he was already dead!"
A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."
A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
There are two brothers, eight and nine. On Christmas morning, they run downstairs to see their presents. The oldest one discovers to his delight that he got a bicycle, a Playstation, a whole bunch of new video games, a complete set of "Star Wars" action figures, and everything else on his Christmas list. Meanwhile, the eight-year-old just got some new underwear and sweaters and a Tonka truck.
"Ha ha," says the older one, I totally cleaned up this year, and all you got was some clothes and a Tonka truck."
The younger one just smiles, pushes his truck along the floor, and hums under his breath:
"At least I don't have cancer . . . ."
Q. What do Hiroshima and Baghdad have in common?
A. Nothing . . . yet.Q. Why do women have such a hard time peeing in the morning?
A. Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?Q. How do you get 12 Ethiopians into a Volkswagen?
A. Flick a booger onto the dashboard.Q. What's the difference between "like" and "love"?
A. It's the difference between "spit" and "swallow."
Q. Then what's the difference between "love" and "showing off"?
A. It's the difference between "swallow" and "gargle."Remember how you used to blow Bubbles when you were little? Well, he's back in town!
Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
A. Matt.
Q. What do you call the same guy in the ocean?
A. Bob.
Q. What do you call the same guy pinned to the wall?
A. Art.
Q. What do you call the same guy on a grill?
A. Chuck.Q. What's the main difference between fucking a regular woman and fucking a woman with no arms?
A. When you fuck a woman with no arms and it pops out, you're the one who has to put it back in.
After a night of work, a hooker comes home to where she lives with her mother and her grandmother, both of whom are retired hookers.
"How was your night, dear?" says the mother.
"Not too good," says the hooker. "All I got was $20.00 for a blow job."
"Twenty dollars?" says the mother, "why in my day we only charged two dollars!"
"And in my day," says the grandmother, "we were grateful just to get something warm in our stomachs!"
A leper goes into a Mexican restaurant and says: "I'll have a taco combination plate -- and you'd better make it to go."
The waitress, realizing that the leper is embarrassed by his appearance, says compassionately: "Sir, you're very welcome here. Why don't you sit down and eat here?"
So the leper sits down and when his food comes and he begins to eat, a piece of his earlobe falls into his plate. He hears guests gagging and says to the waitress: "look, I think you'd better just box this food up so I can eat it at home."
"Nonsense," says the waitress. "I won't hear of it."
So he takes a few more bites, and a piece of his nose falls off. More gagging from the patrons. "Look," he says, "I'm making people gag. Please, just box this up for me."
"Sir," says the waitress, "it's not you who's making these people gag. The lady behind you has been dipping tortilla chips in the back of your neck!"
Three guys are at a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking. Pretty soon he's very drunk and out of control. He confronts the three men, puts his hands on his hips and says to the one on the left:
"I've fucked your mom!"
Then he says to the one in the middle: "Your mom's sucked my cock."
While the first two are still getting over their shock, he says to the one on the right: "I've had your mom up the ass, what do you think of that?"
"We all think you're drunk, Dad -- go home!"
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
"Oh?"
"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
"Say, you ARE a good sport."
A little girl is taking a shower with her grandmother. She looks down between her grandmother's legs and says, "Grandma, what's that?"
"That's my beaver."
A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. That's your beaver!"
"That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out."
There once was a girl from the Azures
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
Which hung in festoons from her drawers
Farmer Joe was having trouble getting his bull to breed so he calls the vet. The vet shows up, examines the bull and says to farmer joe "your bull is in fine health, but he's old and doesn't have the urge to breed like he used to, but I have a trick that works every time".The old farmer watched as the vet walked over to a cow, picked the cow's tail up, and rubbed his hand on this cow's pussy. He then went to the old bull and rubbed his hand on the bull's nose, which caused the bull to start snorting. The vet. then returned to the cow again, rubbed its pussy, then back to the bull. This time the bull began stomping and hoofing the ground. The vet repeated the procedure a third time and the bull suddenly charged over to the cow, mounted it and proceeded to fuck the hell out of it.
Later that night, when the old farmer and his wife were in bed he couldn't sleep. He thought about how long it had been since he and his wife had been romantic, and he wondered if the vet's trick might work for him.
So he reached over to his sleeping wife, and rubbed her pussy, and took a big whiff, and to his amazement he felt a stirring in his loin. Another rub, another sniff and low and behold, he was firming up. Another rub, another sniff and his dick was so hard he thought it might burst!
"Hey honey!" he cried, "Wake up and take a look at this!"
Crankily, she looked over at him and said: "What?! You woke me up just to tell me you had a bloody nose?!"