A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Thanksgiving turkey to be placed on her upper right thigh. The man giving her the tattoo thinks it's a little strange, but doesn't think much of it. After all, he has done stranger before. After it is done, she pays him and walks out the door.

Two weeks later she comes back in the parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree to be placed on her upper left thigh. The guy thinks this is very weird and asks "Why do you want these tattoo's?" She replies "It's a very simple answer- my husband is always complaining about having nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas...now he does."

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after using them.

What did one frog say to the other?

Mmmmm you really do taste like chicken!

I have nothing against homosexuals, but these two jokes sent to me by Rob J (I think, please put names on emails so I can give you credit) made me piss myself...

Q: What did one faggot say to the other faggot at the gay bar?

A: Can I push your stool in?

Two faggots were talking, and one had a pained look on his face.

"What's the matter, Brucie?" asked the other faggot.

"Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie. Could you check it out for me?"

"OK -- bend over."

So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand up his ass.

"It's deeper, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "It's -deeper-, Markie!", so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "I feel it!" says Markie, "What is that?"

"It's *deeper*, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still. "Ew!", says Markie, "It's wrapped around my wrist! What -is- that?!" He pulls his hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!", he says, "What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"

And 2painless is to blame for these next two...

What do women and linoleum have in common?

If you lay them right you can walk all over them for 50 years!

A catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see two 12 year old boys throwing a baseball.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Let's go fuck those little boys..." and the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

Jonny the faggot is showering with his boyfriend, Danny, all of a sudden Jonny notices a little cum-looking puddle on the ground and get's furious : "Danny, what did I tell you about farting in the shower?"

Kyle gets points from me for this joke...

A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?"

He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"

His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."

"But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Kudos to Phillip.M.Hayes for this one..

How are women and tornados alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Michael Graham is the dude who sent me these next two...

A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, " Your in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and rape you until you faint."

With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to drop to your knees and EAT ME, just like the story says."

An oldie, but a goodie that I'd forgotten. Thanks for reminding me Kevin Staley...

Two lesbians in a bath.

Lesbian one ... Where's the soap ?

Lesbian two ... Yes it does doesn't it !

There's two fags inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realizes their out of vaseline! So one of the fags tells the other fags he'll be back in a while, with more vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he see's cum all over the walls and floor, this angers him, and enraged he asks the other fag "why did you jack-off?" Then the other fag says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."

There's a fag who wakes in the morning and he walks into the kitchen, and see's his boyfriend Johnny jacking off into a bag, so then Ralph (the first gay guy) asks "what are you doing?" To which Johnny replies, "Packing your lunch."

There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and is puzzeled. He then asks the boy, "What are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his hands.

The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time, this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, " What are you going to do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.

Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a flower, the guy asks him, " What kind of flower is that son?" the boy says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"

The elusive boerman sent me these few...

What is 6.9? 69 ruined by a period.

What is the square root of 69? 8 something.

How do you make five pounds of fat look great?

Put a nipple on it.

What do homosexauls and the Battle of Pearl Harbor have in common?

Cockpits full of bloody seaman.

What do you call a truck full of dildos?

Toys for Twats.

And the not-elusive-anymore Mike Boerman sent me two more!!!

he Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their house from about 30 feet away and they could tell that someone had just broken in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, " Did you find anything missing?" " No." she said

Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?"

" No." He said " But my tennis racket smell like tuna fish!"

What is 96?

69 for dyslexics

You'll notice that this is kinda like another joke on this page, but it's just as funny. Thank you Ian Podd...

What did the deaf, dumb, blind and mute kid get for christmass?

Cancer!

Another oldie I'd forgotten...Genaro Valladolid, I thank you...

This little girl is in her house right after christmas and she is looking out her window on a beautiful day. Outside all the neighborhood kids are playing with their new toys. She asks her dad if she can go outside.

Dad: You can't. You're grounded.

Girl: Please dad I'll be good.

Dad: No you can't. You're grounded.

Girl: Please dad, pleeeeeeeaaaase! I'll do anything.

Dad: (Dad being somewhat of a pervert) OK, I'll let you go outside on one condition.

Girl: (Looking excited) Anything dad.

Dad: If you want to go outside you have to give me a blowjob.

Girl: (Freaking out) WHAT? Are you CRAZY? Forget it.

The girl goes over by the window looks outside and starts grabbing her hair going crazy wanting to go outside. She looks over to her dad, then outside, then to her dad then all of a sudden...

Girl: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it.

So dad pulls down his pants, pulls down his underwear and whips out his dick. His daughter grabs it and puts it in her mouth and starts sucking. then...

Girl: AAUUGH! (spit, spit, gag, cough) Dad that tastes like shit.

Dad: Oh, it must be because your brother borrowed the car in the morning.

And two that I remembered..

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After awhile the man starts talking into his hand. The bartender looks over. 'Fucking nutter!' he thinks. But the man continues to talk into his hand. Fifteen minutes pass and curiosity gets the better of the bar man. He walks over to the man and asks, "Why are you talking into your hand?"

The man looks up, then says into his hand 'just a moment' He then tells then barman that he is testing out a new mobile phone, built into the palm of his hand.

"Bullshit!" cries the barman. But the man puts his hand to the barman's ear, and to the barman's surprise, he can hear someone, who starts talking to the barman.

"Wow," says that barman, "That's amazing!"

The 'phone-in-hand' man then excuses himself and goes to the toilet.

Half an hour passes and the man does not return from the toilet. Confused and worried, the barman goes into the toilet, only to find the man with his pants down, masturbating furiously.

"What the fuck are you doing??" Screams the barman.

"It's o.k. mate," replies the man," I've just got a fax coming through"

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "pity she's a man."

The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.

"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a converstaion. They hit it off really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue the'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance" says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is' So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.

"Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"

"And I didn't know you were taking a shit" the man replies.

Bananas to 'The Ape Boy' for supplying me with this....

One day this Amish girl and her mom were riding along in the buggy, and then the girl says, "Mom my hands are cold." And to this the mom replies "Well if you stick them between your legs they should get warm." Five minutes later the girls hands are warm. About an hour later the girl says "Mom my nose is cold." Then the mom says, "Well put it inbetween your legs and then it should be warm." And five minutes later her nose is warm.

The next daythe girl and her boyfriend are riding along in the buggy and he says, "Man, my hands are cold." And to this the girl says "Well if you put them between my legs they shoud be warm." And five minutes later his hands are warm. About half-an-hour later the boyfriend says, "Man my penis is frozen solid!" Then to this the girl replies"Well if you put it inbetween my legs it should get warm too."

After the buggy ride is over the girl goes home and talkes to her mother. Near the end of their conversation the girl says to her mother, "Mom have you ever heard of this thig called a penis?" Then the Mom says, "Yes dear, why do you ask?". The girl then says, "Well mom aren't they a mess to clean up after they thaw out."

Calder is the funny bastard who gave me this fantastic joke..

A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequilia. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other. "Holy shit!" the baretnder exclaimes "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - whats the occassion!?!" "My first blow job" the man anounces quite plainly "Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!" "Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...

"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained.

"We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five pounds. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."