Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did.
The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.
The next day, they meet and the first guy says:
"So...Tell me about your day!"
The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?
His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible sex I've ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!"
The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?"
"Everything!" he replied.
"Did she suck your dick?"
"Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man said with a sigh..."I couldn't find her head!"
Addrianna sent me this joke (along with a few others), I thank you...
A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all intrest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason. In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then they'd have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one. The woman was skeptacle but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked!The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month.One day she thought "Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the pills at once..." So, completely forgetting Santa's warning she slipped all the remaining pills in her husband's dinner.
Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked hom his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said "So you're the one who sent the pills... well, Mommy's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy's up in the attic going `here kitty kitty"
Mark CAlder has sent me a few jokes, heres another. Thanks again Mark...
One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.
Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.
The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."
Frank Temel..I think..sent me this one...
God is talking to Adam at the Garden of Eden when, looking over Adam's shoulder, God notices Eve stepping into the stream. "No, Eve, do not go into the stream", God yells. But it was too late. Eve had already entered the stream. God moans: "Now I'll never get the fish to smell right".
Ian Stevenson, you made my day...
What do you call a woman police officer with her pussy shaved?
Cuntstubble!
I give you the joke of Whale watcher Robert Landrum..
These two whales where swimming in the ocean. One of the whales notices a whaling ship up above and says to the other, "Hey that looks like the same whaling ship that got our friend just the other day." And the other says, "Yeah, I got an Idea. Lets go blow some bubbles underneath and tip the boat over." The other agrees and before long men are spilling into the ocean. One whale says, "Ok lets go eat some of those men." and the other whale replies, "I don't mind a good blow, but I made a rule never to swallow sea men"
Felicia sent me this one...I thank her whole-heartedly..
A guy walks into work with a sad look on his face. His friend asks him why he is so down. "My wife doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore." was his reply. "That happens to me sometimes too, so you know what I do? I go home after work and strip off all my clothes, climb into bed and eat her out. That does the trick every time." "That' a good idea, maybe I'll try that."
So that night he went home and the lights were all out. He took off all his clothes and climbed under the covers and proceeded to eat her out. He heard moans and she wriggled about so he finished her off. Just having come home from work he was dirty, so he decided to take a shower before he continued. He walked into his bathroom and saw his wife on the toilet. "Shhh-your mother's asleep."
I know I may get complaint from the women for this one, but you ladies will get your own back in a joke a bit further down...David Montour you've got a lot to answer to..
How many shovenists does it take to open a bear can?
None because the bitch better have it open when she hands it to you!
A guy goes into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks then turns to the lady next to him and says, "You know I sure would like a little pussy right about now."
And the lady says, "I'd like a little pussy too mines as big as a hat!"
Nathan.T.Evans gets 'Bunga Bunga' for this one..
Three Anthropologists are studying an African tribe. Perched carefully in a tree, they are about to witness tribal rituals never seen before by civilized nations. Suddenly the branch breaks and they found themselves surrounded with spears at their throats. A man wearing a necklace skull and feathers approaches them. Amazingly, he speaks English. "You have disturbed our sacred rites, for this you must be punished" He looks at the first man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 10 minutes?" The man, thinking that Bunga Bunga is certainly better than death, says, "Bunga Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and proceeds to fuck him up the ass for 10 minutes. After he is done, the chief says, "You are free to go."
The Chief looks at the second man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 1 hour?" The second man considers his family, and says "Bunga Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and fucks him up the ass for 1 hour. After he is done, he says "You are free to go."
The second man quickly leaves Finally, The Chief looks at the third man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 2 hours" The third man thinks that he cannot stand anal sex for that long and says "Death" The Chief looks at with a smile, and says, "Ok, Death...By Bunga Bunga"
An annonymous (but obviously female) person sent me this one. What did I say, you ladies (finally) get one back at all the female jokes I've posted...
How are men and dirty diapers alike?
Both are full of shit and always on your ass.
WHOAH!! PAEDOPHILE JOKE ALERT!!!
Mark Shermeldine is to blame....
What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !
David Peterson said this page rocked and sent these two....
There are two ranchers riding around on a sheep ranch. They are riding and come accross a sheep caught in the fence. One of the ranchers jumps down off his horse, rips down his pants, and starts fucking the sheep. After he is satisfied, he turns to the other rancher and asks him if he wants any? The other rancher looks at him and says, "I don't think I can get my head in the fence."
A cowboy is riding through the desert alone on his horse. He is quite far from civilization and has not been with a woman for quite some time. After becoming increasingly horny, the cowboy starts to look at his horse and begins to think, "I bet I could fuck my horse." After a little consideration, the cowboy begins to see the absurdity of this idea and completely disregards it. A few days later the cowboy starts to get even horniner than he was before and the same thought comes to his mind. The cowboy gets off his horse, pulls down his pants and tries to stick his dick in. As soon as he gets close, the horse takes a few steps forward. The cowboy tries again and again but every time he tries to fuck his horse, it moves. After a few more failed attempts the cowboy rides on.
Soon he comes accross this small indian village being raided by another local village. The cowboy shoots all the rowdy indians and notices that they were just about to begin a sacrafice with the last, surviving person in the whole village. This person is the town virgin and is extremely beautiful. Upon untying her, the virgin tells the cowboy, "I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to." After pondering this statement for a while, the cowboy asks her, "Do you think you could hold on to my horse for a while?"
Melody, I love you....thank you for these five..
One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responed with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home. When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to go to the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesturday. He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken."
This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on over. As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day, his balls will explode! A few minutes later they turn the corner and see a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition. The Administrator explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other guy, but he as a much better health plan!
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
Three nuns died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter. He told them that in order to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed. He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam." She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing.....
What's the similarity between getting a blow-job from an eighty-year-old and walking a tightrope?
In both cases you don't really want to look down.
Boo-yeah to Zeppy...
Whats the difference between a NUN in church and a whore in a bath tub?
The NUN has hope in her sole.
I'm not sure whether I've put this first one on yet, but the second is new. Thanks to brien...
whats the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator?
the refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a lickalotapus
MERCY knows his jokes....
This guy is riding his horse through the west and comes across a camp of bandits. He is captured and is sentenced to death. The head leader of the camp of bandits says to the man,"You have three requests to fufill before I kill you!" The man says okay and goes to talk to his horse. He whispers something to the horse and the horse goes off. The next morning the horse returns with a red-headed woman. The man and the woman spend the night together, and the following morning the leader tells the prisoner that he has two more wishes. The man again whispers something in the horses ear. The horse and the red-head go off into the sunset. The next morning the horse returns to the camp with a blonde. The man and the blonde spend the night together.The next morning the leader lets the man know he has only one wish left. The man goes to the horse grabs him by the ears and yells,"I SAID TO GO AND GET THE POSSE!!!!"
:Two drug dealers are being prosecuted in court. The judge gives the two an option. They can either go to jail for life or they have to get an admirable amout of other drug dealers to give up the drug trafficing. The both choose to stop other drug dealers form selling. Court is adjurned for two weeks. After the two weeks pass the two dealers appear before the judge. The judge asks one how many did you get to stop selling? The dealer replies that he stopped 100 dealers from selling again. The judge asked How? The first dealer replied that he drew two circles on the ground in front of the 100 sellers. One very large and one very small. He pointed to the big one and said ,"This is your brain before drugs!",then pointed to the small one and said,"This is your brain after drugs!" Avery Intresting technique replied the judge. The judge ruled the first dealer free to go. He then proceeded to ask the second dealer how many dealers he got to quit. The second one said he got 1000 dealers to stop selling and give up a life of crime. The judge being astounded, frantically asked him how he accomplished this goal. "Well", the second dealer said,"I drew two circles two, one big and one small." "I then pointed to the small circle and said This is your Butthole before jail ,and then pointed to the large circle and said This is your Butthole after jail."
Steve, a fellow Aussie may I add, has sent me these seven cracking jokes. Much thanks goes to him..
Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".
A priest is in the confession box when a guy comes in and explains that he is having sex with a sixteen year old girl ,The priest replies "well you arent married and the legal age for sex in australia is sixteen so i dont really know why you are telling me" The guy replies "Telling you ? Im telling everybody"
Its the morning after the "Superhero's Super Orgy" When Thor the god of thunder spy's a beautiful young woman in the kitchen and says "Good morning im Thor" to which she replies "Your Thor im tho thor i can hardly pith"
Q, Whats better than sex with a sixteen year old girl ????
A, Nothing !