A great version of an old (but good) joke, thanks Greg...

A guy and a girl are in the guys room undressing each other.

The girl takes off the guys shirt and sees a Nike tatoo on his shoulder. Thinking nothing of it she begins to take off his pants. On his ankle he has a Reebok tatoo. The girl thinks to herself, "What a sneaker fanatic", and continues to take off his underwear. When she gets his underwear off, she sees that he has "AIDS" tatooed on his dick.

She freaks out and says" Get the hell away from me, I'm not sleeping with a guy that has "AIDS" tatooed on his dick!!!"

He says, "Relax. In a minute it'll say "ADIDAS".

caudals(???) ta for dis....

A travelling salesman was driving along when his car broke down in front of a very large house. He walked to the front door and an old Chinese man answered the door. The old man said, "You may stay, but do not do anything to my granddaughter or I will subject you to the Chinese Torture Test." The man agreed thinking, "How hard could it be. It's only one night, right?"

That night at dinner, he met the granddaughter. She was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. Throughout dinner he couldn't help but stare at her. He had, afterall, been travelling for six months. Later that night, he snuck into her room and made wild passionate sex to the granddaughter and then went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up with a large boulder on his chest. There was a sign on it that said, "First Chinese Torture Test: 100 Pound Boulder on Chest." Being a very strong salesman, he managed to heave the boulder out the window of his third storey room. He noticed a rope, and another message on his chest read, "Second Chinese Torture Test: Boulder Tied to Right Testicle" Without thinking he leaped out the window after the boulder. Outside the window was another sign, "Final Chinese Torture Test: Left Testicle Tied to Bed Post."

A few people have sent me this joke...I'd thank them if I could remember who they were...

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he > stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Another decent old joke I'd forgotten, sent in by Jeff "Yes, the one from Higginsville" Gibson.

And don't worry Jeff, it was no trouble at all...

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out.

The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said," There's alot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done."

"What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls straight to the ground.

The other man starts busting up laughing.

Then bartender then says to him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk"

Danke shen (I think) to JJpercy...

What do you call a german condom:

Fitemgoodandtight

Some gutless fuck who didn't give his name, with the e-mail address Bpdalasfan@aol.com said this page was shit and the jokes sucked, neverthelesss, I'm posting the two jokes he sent me....

How does a homo fake an orgasm.

answer: he spits on the other guys back and moans.

whats the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?

answer: a refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meet out.

Mike_Latchem sent these very funny jokes. And thanks to Scott Adam and Rodriguez Pardo, who sent me the explanation for an AGGIE. An aggie is someone who goes to the Texas A & M and they're all believed to be dumb because they're 'inbred hicks'.

And according to Scott Adam an AGGIE must fit these requiremants...

1. Say Ya'll in a sentence. 2. Own a Dawwwwg. 3. Be able to tell multiple Aggie jokes.

Three guys are in the final stages of interviewing for a position with the CIA. One is a grad from Univ of Houston, one is a UT Longhorn, and one is an AGGIE.

The Houston grad is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his wife of five years. He responds with, "No thank you, I love her too much!"

The Longhorn grad is then pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his wife of ten years. He takes the gun, makes for the door, turns around and says, "No thanks, this job isn't that important!"

Then the AGGIE is pulled in and told that he is in the final round for the job and there remains only one task he must complete before they make a decision. He must take this gun, walk into that room, and shoot his wife of fifteen years. He takes the gun, enters the room, "BANG, BANG" followed by bumps and screams for five minutes. When he returned and was asked what happened, he said, "You bastards, they were blanks...I had to choke the bitch!"

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Gareth Wallace (techno trousers!) sent me this fan-tastic joke, one of the best I've heard in a while. No offence to any women out there...

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

The next joke was sent by Ninjabk. The first one is great.....

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, i tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couln't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

There was this lady who wanted to find the perfect husband. So, she put an add in the paper that said,"Wanted: A husband that won't beat me, run away from me, and is good in bed."

A few weeks later, the doorbell rings. When she answered it there was a man with no arms and no legs.

Lady: May I help you?

Man: I'm here about your ad in the paper.

Lady: I don't think you meet the requirements.

Man: Look, I have no arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run away from you....

Lady: But you have to be good in bed...

Man: How do you think I rang the doorbell?

Heidi sent me this one...thanks for the comment on my intelligence!!!

A bartender is working his regular Friday night shift when a man whom he has never seen before enters the bar. The man is holding an apple in his hand.

The man says to the bartender, "After years of experimentation, I have finally accomplished my biggest goal. Tast this apple. It tastes like a banana."

The bartender figures, what the hell? He takes a bite, and is absolutely amazed at the fact that this apple actually DOES taste like a banana.

"Not bad," he says to the man, obviously impressed.

"Turn it around," says the mysterious man. "The other side tastes like a peach.

Sure enough, when the bartender bites the other side, it tastes like a peach.

"You know what would be great?" The bartender says. "You should invent an apple that tastes like a woman."

The man ponders this, and seeming to like the idea, he runs out the door.

A week later the man returns with a new apple to present to the bartender. "I did it! An apple that tastes like a woman! Try this!"

The bartender takes a bite of the new apple, and yells "This apple tastes like shit!"

"Turn it around..." the man replies.

Edo is the man. He reminded me of this joke, probably the first funny joke I ever heard..except maybe for the one about the girl named Fuckerarder..but thats another story

Three guys are stranded on an island and are captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals says to the three men,"I'll give you all one chance at life. You may choose any one weapon or item that i have in my kingdom. You will be set free for 30 seconds and then my cannibals will come after you. If you escape their grasps, you are free to go. If we capture you, we SKIN YOU FOR THE CANOE!!!" He then asks the first guy to choose. Nervous about making the decision, he frantically runs around the kingdom until he stumbles on a little revolver and grabs it and a handful of bullets and takes off! 30 seconds later, as promised, the chief yells out"The hunt is on!!!".

On that command, hundreds run off into the jungles hunting the man down. In no time they find the man and although he has the gun, there are too many cannibals. They eventually overpower the man surround him and SKIN HIM FOR THE CANOE!!!

The chief asks the second man what he would like and seeing what little good the gun or any weapon would do he says to the chief,"Give me your fastest horse!" The chief grants him that and the man books it out ASAP!!! 30 seconds later, the cannibals pursue the man. With their intense knowledge of the terrain and large number, they swiftly surround the man, who was lost and bewildered, and SKIN HIM FOR THE CANOE!!!

The chief then asks the third man what weapon or item he would like and the man, who had been contemplating a plan to outsmart the cannibals says to him," Give me a fork!!!" The chief amazed and confused at the man's request says," A fork! What are you gonna do with a fork???" The man replies, "Just give it to me, dammit!" The chief then hands the man a fork. The man grabs it, starts stabbing himself all over his body and yells out,

" HERE'S TO YOUR FUCKIN CANOE!!!"

Scott Adam, as well as sending me the AGGIE explanation, sent me this one..

Two southern bells are sitting out on the front porch and one is explaining her trip to New York city and she says : 'Ya know Ethel, up thar in that New York City they's got men who kiss men. They're called Homosexuals, and up thar in that New York city they have women who kiss women, they call them thar lesbians. And up thar in that New York city they have men who kiss women's private parts." Ethel is just amazed and asks her friend what they call those. and She say's "I don't know but when he finished I called him Precious"

Mr jamal rafus-hakennson (How awesome is that name!!!) as well as a few other people sent me this one..

A quadrapalegic (no functioning arms or legs) woman is lying at the beach. A man walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never been kissed before. Would you kiss me?" The man says "Sure" and he gives her a peck on the cheeks. Another man walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never had my breasts fondled before. Would you fondle them?" So the second man says "Sure" and feels her up for a couple seconds. At this point she's really getting into it, so a third guy walks by and she says, "Excuse me. I've never been fucked before. Would you fuck me?" The guy says "Sure" so picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and says "Bitch, you're fucked!"

And on the subject of Handicapped people....

What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?

Having two legs.

Elliott gave me this joke, and even though I feel like I'm betrying one of my favourite kid's movies, I'm posting it....

The Little rascals are in school, and the teacher is giving them words, and they have to use the word that she gives them in a sentence.

So the teacher says "Ok boys and girls, the first word is...Love" so they're all thinking and two minutes later Alfalffa, rasies his hand and says "I love my dog!" "very good Alfalfa" replies the teacher.

"The next word boys and girls is...Apriciate" Thy all think again and two minutes later Spanky rasies his hand and says "I apriciate the fact, that Alfalfa loves his dog!" "oh, that's so thoughtful Spanky!" says the teacher.

Finally the teacher says "Ok, boys and girls, the last word is a hard one, are you ready...Ok, the last word is...Dictate" THEY ARE ALL STUMPED!!!!!!!!!! No one can think of a sentence with the word "Dictate" so finally, Buckwheat rasies his hand and says "Hey Alfalfa, ask Darla how my Dictate last night!!!!!"

The elusive Ninjabk sent me another...

Fred worked at a pickle factory. One day he went hame and told his wife that he wanted to stick his dick in the pickle cutter. His wife told him that he could get hurt and that he shouldn't do it. A few weeks later he came home and told her that he did it. "Are you hurt? What happened?" she asked. " Well," he replied," she slapped me."

I guess you could say Illya Mastoris is my parnter in crime when it comes to new, funny and filthy jokes. He always tells me new ones, and this is his latest...

Three Homosexuals are discussing their fantasies..

The first says "OOOo, my fantasy is to be a hair dresser and do nothing but touch people's hair and cut the hair of famous people and wash hair. OOoooo, that would be sooo sexy."

The second says "I'd love to be a top fashion designer and desgin all the new clothes and have the sexy models model them on the catwalk and have everyone love my clothes. That would be super."

The third one says "I'd love to be playing in a game of football with the Canberra Raiders(an australian team) against the Brisbane Broncos (another Aussie team)"

The other two say "Is that all?"

Homo 3 replies "Oh not at all. i can imagine it. We're down by one try. There's two minutes left. Laurie Dayley passes me the ball. I run down the full length of the field, dodging all the Broncos. And then two metres from the try line I fumble, dropp the ball, the siren goes and the broncos win the game and my team loses"

The other two look dumbfounded. "How is that a fantasy?" they ask.

"Couldn't you imagine it?" says #3, " Ten thousand Canberra fans screaming "FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!!"

This is one of my favourite Urban-mythy type stories that works just great as a joke...

A middle-aged business-type man is feeling a bit stressed so he books himself in for a massage.

The day comes and he goes to the parlour. He enters the room , wearing nothing but a small towel to cover his dick, and waits for the masseuse.

Then the masseuse enters, and she is the most gorgeous, well porportioned blonde 19 year old he has ever seen. He knows he is going to enjoy this.

As the girl starts to massage, the man begins to feel considerably aroused, and when he is rolled onto his stomach he sees that he has a massive boner, and is worried that the massuer may see it. She continues to massage, and the man notices that his eyes have been drawn to his growing member. the messuer leans towards the man and whispers seductively into his ear. "Would you like a wank?"

The man is VERY aroused and nods vigourously. The massuer leaves the room.

'Oh my god!' thinks the man, 'this is fantasic, i'm going to get jerked off by the most gorgeous girl i have ever seen! She's probably off putting on a sexy costume or something'

Ten minutes pass, and the man is just as aroused as he was before. He is waiting for the big wank when the massuer opens the door and asks

'Have you finished yet??"