Jokes Archive Page 5

A male and a female whale are in the ocean when they see a big ocean liner.

The male whale recognized this as the boat that killed his father,and decides to avenge his fathers death. He says to the female whale, "Lets swim underneath the boat and blow water through the holes on our backs and tip the boat over"

The female agrees and they do so, the boat tipping over.

But to his dispair, the male sees the people all swimming to shore, and being saved in lifeboats, so he says to the female,

"lets gobble them all up before they reach the shore."

But the female replies angrily. "No way, I agreed to the blow job but there's NO WAY i'm swallowing seamen."

Short and sweet...thanks to Stoner Chic..

This boy says"Daddy what's a pervert?"

The dad replies "shut up and keep suckin".

Michael Kyro...HIGH FIVE!!!

This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while he runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this lady. She walks up to the counter and asks "How much for that pink dildo up on the shelf" The guy replies $25. She said "I'll take it" A few minutes later in walks this brunette. She walks up to the counter and says "How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf. The guy replies $50. She said "I'll take it". A while later in walks this blonde. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked "How much for that big silver dildo on the shelf" The guy replies $100. She pays him and leaves. In walks the owner and asks how was business, and his friend replies "I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, Then I sold your THERMOS for a $100".

To balance all the Female jokes I've had on here...I'll be putting on a few where the women get their own back. Stoner Chic gave me the first...

Q. what do you call a man with half a brain?

A. gifted

S or J Buglino sent me this one...

These two guys are stranded on a deserted island. After many months of nothing, one guy says to the other, "How about we try the anal sex thing? What do you think?" After much thought, the second guy said "OK". So the first guy says, "You bend over, and let me know what you think. If you like it, sing a song; and if you don't like it, make an animal sound."

So then the second guy says, "Moooooo... Mooooooo... Moooooon River"

Dave Gagne kudos to you..

A young couple dies just before their wedding, and they go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates and asks if there is anything he can do for them. "We want to get married," they reply. "I'll see what I can do," St. Peter says. Centuries pass, and they don't hear from St. Peter. They wait impatiently, until one day he returns to them with a priest. They get married. Years later they get bored of marriage and realize they hate each other. They approach St. Peter and ask him to get them divorced. "Hell no," he shouts. "It took me long enough to find a priest in Heaven, and now you want me to find a fucking lawyer?"

Kevin sent me these two..

What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homosexual?

A hunting dog sics ducks

Two cannibals are about to eat a guy and one says I'll start at the head and you start at the feet. They start eating and the guy at the head says "How you doing down there?" The guy says "I'm having a ball" The 1st guy says" Slow down! youre eating too fast!!"

Rual, the guy who sent this one, didn't find it funny... I do, but that's just my sick demented mind..

man is in the shower with his 6-year old daughter when she asks "Whats that between your legs daddy?" "Thats a penis honey." he replies. "Will I ever get one?" she asks. "Yes, as soon as mommy leaves for work"

Christina and Mary sent this very funny story..

HOW TO KILL AN EEL

Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned

off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured

sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her

mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.

I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock

on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put of a

hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her

boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle,

but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats. . . they have nine lives or something. this time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about thirty-five minutes of struggle, they

finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet." Mother fainted.

Kyle Nova sent me this oldie but goodie..

One day during confession the priest had to take a shit. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he steped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. Father I must talk with you. The father asked her to wait in the booth. she went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment. so Ray gets into the booth. and asked the woman here sins. the woman replyed I had sex with a married man. Ray looks on a peice of paper and looks up adultry. then tells the women to say ten hail-mary and bless your self in holy water. then a man comes in. forgive me father I stole money. Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-mary and bless your self in holy water. Soon a woman came in and said forgive me father I gave a man a blowjob. Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing, he then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and see's little billy the alter boy. Ray called for billy. What does the father give for a blowjob? Little billy looks at ray and say a snickers bar and a pat on the back!

Ninjabk again...

One day this hippie gets on a bus full of nuns. He sits down next to this one nun and hits on her. She slaps him and moves to the back of the bus. The hippie went and explained what happened to the bus driver. Bus Driver: I happen to know that that certian nun gets off the bus evry night at 7 o'clock at the cemetary. Hippie: How is that going to help me get with her? Bus Driver: Well, you could wait there for her disguised as God.When she gets off of the bus, command her to have sex with you. Hippie: Good idea. So that night the hippie waited at the cemetary. At 7 o'clock the nun got off the bus. Hippie: This is God. I command you to have sex with me. Nun: Alright, but can you do me up the ass so I will still be a virgin? The hippie agreed and when he was finished he took off his disguise.

Hippie: Ha ha, I'm the hippie!

Nun: Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!

J.Ross, have you ever been caught...thanks..

Friend #1: "Have you ever got caught masturbating in the closet?"

Friend #2: "No."

Friend #1: "It's a safe place isn't it?!"

Jessi, very very good stuff...

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and an angel?

The angel says "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!" The farmer says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Matto you fucking legend....

A guy walks over to a gorgeous chick sitting at a barstool and says "i want to play with your tits all night." shocked, the woman says "oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? hes my boyfriend and he'll kick your ass.." The man replies "I still want to play with your tits all night, and fill your cunt with beer and drink it." Disgusted, the woman walks over to her boyfriend and tells him whats going on, "That man over there says he wants to play with my tits all night." the boyfriend stands up pissed off and rolls up his sleeves. She then says "he also said he wants to fill my cunt up with beer and drink out of it" the boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, sits down and continues drinking. "What are you doing, arent you going to kick his ass?" The boyfriend smugly replies," I ain't gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."

There are these three cowboys comparing how tough they are, sitting around a campfire. first one says,"I' m so tough once I got in a barfight with ten guys, went outside and wrestled a bear, now its my rug". Second guy says, "Thats nothing, I got in a fight with 15 guys walked out, bit the head off a venemous snake, swallowed its poison, I'm still alive." Third guy said nothing, stirring the coals with his dick.

This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time... she sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. she whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet.. thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out.. minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth.. still thinking this is normal he continues.. soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up.. "excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "no, but the last guy was!"

I have a fair few anti-women jokes, I don't necessarily agree with them, I just find them damn funny.

How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: 2, one to screw it in, one to suck my dick

An annonymous source sent me this one..it's not rude, but very silly, and I like silly

What did the fish say when it hit a wall??? DAMN!!!!!

what do two lesbians need to mary?

a liquor license

Two condoms are walking down the street and pass by a local gay pub. They stop outside of the pub and one condom says to the other, "What do you say we go in and get shit-faced tonight!!

There were three practicing homosexuals living together when two of them died unexpectedly. So the third one takes his buddies to the local taxidermist to see what can be done. The taxidermist asks, "Do you want them mounted?". To which the third replies, "No, holding hands will be fine."

Christ Monkey, much much much thanks for this one...

A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka. The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor, what's the problem?" The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay." The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?" The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay." The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?" He replies, "yeah, my wife."

How long's yours Jim?....

Woman: "I'm looking for a man with 12 inches."

Man: "look lady I don't fold it in half for anybody."

Brian Campbell gave me these two..

Q. How do you get a woman off during sex?

A. You push her!!!

What's the German word for constipated?

Farfrumpoopin.

Colby Olsen seems to be stuck...

A guy is walking through the jungle and he falls into quicksand. He is up to his waist when a guy walks by. "Get me outta here" he says "I'll do anything." The guy says "will you suck my dick?" The man in the quicksand replies "no way I'm not a fag" The man walks off

The guy is up to his shoulders when another guy walks by. "Get me outta here" says the guy in quicksand "I'll do anything." "Will you suck my dick" asks the guy. "No way, I'm not a fag" replies the guy in quicksand. The guy walks off.

Now the quicksand is up to his lower lip and a third guy walks by. Nowing this is his last chance the guy in quicksand says "Get me outta here man, I'll suck your dick" The guy goes 'No way I'm not a fag." and walks away.

Urgh!!!

How do you know if your sister is having her period?

Dad's cock tastes funny.

Veronica (or is it Snatch Kitten??) seems to know her comedy...these two are hers...

There is a freak lightning storm and the church is hit. Four nuns die and are transported together to the pearly gates of heaven. When they arrive, the angel interviews each one. he asks the first nun "Have you been good and reverent, have you ever sinned?" The first nun thinks for a minute and then bows her head and says "I fear not, I once saw a man' penis." The angel points to a fountain of holy water and says "go cleanse your eyes and you shall be admitted to heaven". The first nun dabs a little water on her eyes and enters heaven. The angel then asks the second nun "Have you been good and reverent, have you ever sinned?" She too looks ashamed and says "I fear not, I once touched a man's penis." The angel is a bit taken aback but says "go wash your hands and you shall be admitted to heavem". the second nun dips her hands in the fountain and goes into heaven. The angel is about to ask to thrid nun if she has sinned when the fourth nun interupts him. "Why do you not wait your turn, fourth nun?" Asks the angel. "Bullshit," says the fourth nun, "I'm not drinking that water after it's been in her ass!"

A guy is driving along a lonely stretch of highway in Texas when he sees a huge billboard that says "Grandmaw's whore-house, 20 miles." The man is surprised but doesn't think much of it.

A couple of minutes later, he passes another sign that says "Grandmaw's whore-house, 10 miles." He chuckles to himself, because it's sort of humerous.

It's not too long before he passes another sign, this one reading "Grandmaw's whore-house, 5 miles." Now he's getting a little curious, so he starts looking out for the place, just wanting to get a look.

When he sees a sign that says "Grandmaw's whore-house here", he decides that it wouldn't do any harm to look around a little. So he gets out and walks into the old shack. At the desk is a wrinkly, old woman. The woman asks for $20 and tells the man to go into the first room on his left. the man does and he sees a sign in the room that says "Go through into the next room". The man does so and he finds a sign in the next room that says "go through again to the next room". He does and he finds himself outside the shack as the door slams behind him. he turns around and written in bold red letters on the door he sees "Congratulations, you just got Fucked by Grandmaw.

Discofreak ..hehehehe!!!

A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns to the priest and screams, " Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"

Good good stuff...I thank you Sean

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

'Doc' miller gave me this great great one...

A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman. "How many cows will you be milking?" "Just one," says the farmer. "Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards." I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.

"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.

The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"

"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."

Boom! Boom! or is it Bang, Bang?..

Q: How many times does 59 go into 21?

A: I dunno ask Woody Allen

Wrong Dimension Boy sent me this one..it's gross, ver very fucking gross, but it's a fucking great joke....definately up there!!!

There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.

This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils.

She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do the job.

He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the tought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.

He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.

"Okay lady..." the man said with a gasp, "I did it...now give me the five grand..."

"Just a second, sonny..." the woman said with a grin, "there's one more left!"

She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it repeatedly trying to make it pop.

Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.

The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her:

"WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?!?"

Kate...How was your year???

Q:What is the difference between 100 used comdoms and a good year tire?

A:One is a good year, and one is a REALLY good year.