Jokes Archives Page 7

A Pedophile and a 10 year old were walking throught the woods. The sky grew darker, the brush got thicker, and the sounds of the forest were closing in....

The child said "I'm scared!" The pedophile said, "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

Wrong Dimension Boy never ceases to deliver the sick goods...

Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They used to grow up together in the old neighborhood and go fishing every chance they could.

Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other, the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking about what was going on in their lives.

"Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?"

Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Imput Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex with the entire football team?"

"Yep. That's her." Mike replies.

"Well, what about her?"

Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly.

Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife.

"Boy...I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily.

Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't have sex with her at all."

"Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!"

Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched."

"But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night."

Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm not even supposed to kiss her."

Bill looks over at his friend perplexed..."So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her...why did you marry her?!?"

Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says:

"She shits the best worms!"

A Classic from Parimal...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Sue Carroll is cool....

Q. What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?

A. "Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!

Garry Soole!!! BOO-YEAH!! I love it!...

An old man gets on the train and takes a seat opposite a punk rocker with a yellow, red and green mohawk haircut. The old man is staring at the punk rocker and the punk says ... "What's the matter old man - didn't you ever do anything wild in your lifetime?" "Yeah" says the old man, "I fucked a parrot once ..... and I'm just wondering if you're my kid"

Nadine Russell is jealous...

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist for a pack of condoms. The druggist asks him what size he needs and the guy tells him he doesn't know. The druggist hands the guy a board with some holes in it and tells him to go in the back room and see which hole his dick fits in best, then he'll know what size condoms to get.

The guy comes out of the room an hour later and the druggist says. "Well..." The guy replies, "Forget the fucking condoms! I want to buy the board!"

Vanessa Walsh...brief and deep..

Why does the AVON lady walk funny?

Because her lipstick!

Justin leight told me that...

Your mom gives such good head, that when she is done I have to pull the bed sheets out of my ass

Pete gave me these two...

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: "License and registration please." Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?" State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph." Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65." Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out." Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months." State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb fuck, shut your fuck'in mouth!!!" State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way? Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

What do you call a prostitute with her hand up her skirt??

Self-employed!!

I like this one sent in by Conor...

It is show and tell day at school and suzie gets up in frount of the class and showes her new doll which she got for her birthday. Next billy gets up and shows his new B.B. gun. When its johnny's turn he tells the teacher that he doesn't have anything to show but that he has a story to tell. The teacher agrees and he begins. he says, "well I was walking to school this mourning and I saw this little rabbit playing in the road." Then adding, "then this huge semi-truck came racing over the hill and smashed his ass!" The teacher is shocked. She sais, "Jonny, the correct term is rectum".

Jonny says, "wrecked 'em, it fuckin' killed 'em!"

And the stupidity I love!!!

How do you get a clown off of a swing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

RACIST JOKE ALERT

I'm not going to do the 'I'm not Racist but...' speech. You know i put these jokes here for humourous purposes only. I find these jokes funny. If you don't like Racist jokes don't read the next two

Why cant ray charles read?

Because he is black.

What is purple with pink polka dots and sits on my porch?

My nigger, I'll paint him what ever colors I want.

Beth sent me these next two which she described as 'cute' ..

One day at school a little boy pulled down his pants in front of a little girl and says, "Do you have one of these?" The next day she comes to school and pulls her pants down and says to him "no but my mom says with one of these I can have however many of those that I want"

What is the difference betweek ooh and ahh?

About 4 inches.

Kaleb...you da man...

A man walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and curiously asks, "What's with the ferret buddy?" To which the man answers, "This ferret gives the best blowjob I've ever had!" The bartender, looking at the man disgustingly, yells at him. "Take your rat and get the fuck out of here you sicko!!!" "You don't understand." says the man. "Just take this ferret in the back, and if you aren't satisfied, I'll get the fuck out." So the bartender agrees and goes into the back. 15 minutes later, he comes out sweating. "WOW! That was the best blowjob I've ever had!" said the bartender. "I'll give you $500 for it." The man thinks about it and says, "No I'd don't think I could part with it." So the bartender keeps raising his offer until he reaches $5000. "Okay, I'll sell it to you for $5000." Said the man. So right after the man leaves, the bartender closes up early and goes home.

As he gets through the front door, his wife is standing there. "What's that animal you've got there?" His wife asked, to which he replied, "Teach it to cook, and GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"

a good old joke....

man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only three legs. This peaks his curiosity so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig. "I noticed a pig earlier that only had three legs, what happened to the poor animal?" he asks. "Let me tell you a story",starts his friend "last fall when I was plowing the south field I accidently got the plow caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't fer that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tellya."

"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his leg." the man replied. His farmer friend went on "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped in some chicken shit and fell right on my ass. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin and rammin till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tellya." His friend thought for a moment and said, 'Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his leg. His friend looked at him like he was stupid and said, "Mister, when you got a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once"

A new friend of mine Jane gave me this class joke...

Three guys are talking when the first one says, "My wife is so dumb. She went and bought 400 pounds of meat when we don't even have a freezer." So the second guys says, "Oh no. My wife is the dumbest. She went out and bought a brand new car, and doesn't even have her license." Then the third one says, "No way. My wife is the dumbest. She is going out with her girlfriends this weekend and went out and bought a box of condoms...and she doesn't even have a penis!"

A Few RACIST ones in the next batch...you know the drill..supplied by Padraic Carey...

What's the difference between a Jew and a cake?

The cake doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

The diaper.

What's the difference between a black and a tire?

A tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitz-william and William Fitz-Patrick