Jokes Archives Page 8

It's during the time of christ and some hebrews are bored. "Lets go find a whore and stone her " one says. They all go to a brothel and find a ragged old whore. They drag her out and are getting ready to stone her when Jesus comes out of his carpenters tent and says " He who is without sin cast the first stone." All the hebrews get discouraged and go home. As they are leaving, an old lady picks up a huge rock, throws it with all her might, hitting the whore, breaking her nose. Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says with shock and dismay, "MOM!!!"

Ed in texas tells a story...

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I didn't wake up with a hard-on, I didn't have anything to play with all day. Things haven't changed much. I'm so broke, yesterday I had to jack off the dog to feed the cat.

Apparantly I have too many 'women dissin jokes'. True, but if you females send me funny 'male dissin' jokes I'll post them..This one from Shauna Falgout (The Goddess of everything....) ...

One day God came down to Adam and says, "Adam, I've got good news and bad news, what do you want to hear first?" "The good news." "Ok the good news is that I've got two new organs, both of which will make Eve very happy. One is a penis, and one is a brain." "Ok, what's the bad news?" "You only have enough blood to run one at a time."

A personally nostaligic joke that I said I'd post..from my mate Smiggins..

Q: What does a dog do that a boy steps into?

A: A lump of shit. No wait.. PANTS.

OOOO, more 'women dissin' from Clay..

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Thanks to Ben for this jokes, it may be deemed Racist..I don't think so..I just think it's funny...

Q: What is the difference between a "White" fairy tale and a "Black" Fairy tale?

A: "White" fairy tale - Once upon a time

"Black" fairy tale - Hey nigga you won't believe dis shit!

hehe..farmers and sheep...

here are two farmers sitting in the fields.

The fisrt farmer says to the second farmer "Y'know, you really should plant those fields" The first farmer replys, "I can't. They both have sentimental value."

"Sentimenal value?" askes the second farmer.

" See, that field over there is where I lost my virginity."

" Oh, I see."

"And that second field is where her mother watched" "

What?? Her mother watched??? What did she say??"

" BAA"

well...um..well....

How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up as an alter boy

Using the old myth...

A big Black man and a little white guy walk into an elevator at the same time, after a few floors the black guy looks down at the white guy and says " 6 foot 5, 250 pounds, 20 inch cock and 3 poond balls, Turner Brown" Little white guy faints.

The black guy feeling bad reaches down and shakes the little white guy back to consinous, and the says "Are you alright?" The white guy says 'Could you please repeat what you said'sure says the black guy, "6 foot 5, 250 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound balls Tuner Brown" "Thank God" said the little white man "I thought you said Turn ah round"

Glenn knows the limits...

Q. What is the difference between pink and purple?

A. Your grip

I love this stupid joke...

What is brown and sticky?

A stick

This one may have already been posted but I love it...

Why do women fake orgasms?

They think we care

This one's cool...

All of Jake's friends always got mad at him cause no matter how bad a situation was he would always say "it could be worse".

Finally his friends decided to make up something that he couldn't say "it could be worse" about. When they were playing golf one day Steve said to Jake, "did you hear what happened to Fred?". Jake said no and asked what happened. Steve said that Fred came home thursday and found his wife in bed with another man and killed them both and then turned the gun on himself. Jake said oh thats horrible but "it could be worse". "How could it be any worse than that",Steve asked. "Well", Jake said, "if it happened a day earlier, I'd be dead."

oh dear....

Two gays are walking down the street, when they see a dog licking its balls.

Says one, "Gee I wish I could do that."

The other one says, "Yeah, but you'd better pet it first."

This is a good one...from Garrett..

A scruffy looking guy, unshaven, tatty clothes goes into the Mosman branch of the ANZ Bank. Straight away the rest of the patrons in the bank turn their noses up at him, but the guy ignores their glares and just stands in line.

Eventually he makes it to the front of the line. The teller says "Hello Sir, how can I help you, ... looking for the soup kitchen ?" Much to the amusement of the rest of the customers in the bank. The man responds " I wanna open a fucking bank account!". The teller is horrified as she is not used to this kind of language, and replys "I'm sorry SIR, but we here at the Mosman branch of the ANZ Bank do not tolerate YOUR kind here. I find your demeanour intolerable, and quite frankly, I am offended beyond compare." To which the man replys ..."Oh get fucked. I just wanna open a fucking bank account!!".

The teller replies ... "Very good Sir, I shall get the Manager. " She goes and speaks to the Manager, explains the problem (while pointing to the offending person). Soon the teller returns with the Manager.

"Hello Sir...", says the manager..."what seems to be the problem?". The tatty guy replies "I just want to open a fucking bank account." The Manger then says "Very good sir, and what, pray tell, will be the opening balance of said bank account?" The tatty guy replies cheerily "5 million dollars .... I just won the lottery!"

To which the bank manager replies "Very good Sir, and which cock sucking slut wouldn't serve you?"

OUCH!!!...

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

A fellow gets an overseas job working on a big oil rig in the Middle East. The money is good, so leaving his new wife, he heads ff to his new job.

After being there a few weeks his thoughts start to drift to his wife and the thought of sex. He goes to see the foreman and asks what the fellows around here do when they get horney, to which the foreman replies "they go down and use the camel". 'That's disgusting!!" says the man, but the foreman just shrugs and walks away, saying to each his own.

A few weeks pass, but the fellow just can't stop thinking about sex. One night, his urge to get off overcomes him and a bit embarrased, quietly slips out back, finds the camel and proceeds to fuck the camel senseless. Sneaking back to his room he was feeling a bit guilty but thought "what the hell-it made me feel a lot better."

Over the next few weeks, he would make his way quietly down to the camel every other night or so and relieve himself .

One night he was having his usual visit to the camel when the foreman walks around the corner, takes one look and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?" Embarrassed, the guy says "YOU told me that when I was horny, I should just come down and use the camel!!, to which the foreman replies "Come down, use the camel to ride into town, get a hooker........

This is a cool one...

Two young girls, let's call them Sarah and Ann, had just learned a new word: penis. They were absolutely puzzled, and decide that they would go home and try to find out what this mysterious word meant.

So when Sarah got home she asked her mother what a penis is, but her mother was very reluctant to aid her. But, as she was a crafty young girl, she asked her father. He was very helpful and pulled his pants down saying: "This, Sarah, is a penis." She was satisfied with this demonstration and went to bed.

Sarah ran to school next day, pigtails flying in the wind. She found Ann who had had no look with her inquiries and thus quite curious. Ann asked, "Well, did you have any luck?" "Yes indeed", said Sarah. "Well don't hold out on me, what is a penis?" "It's like a cock, only smaller."

Amish people intrigue me...

What do you call an amish farmer with his arm halfway up his horses ass?

a mechanic

Scooter sent me this joke...he says it's better done visually, but I still reckon its a good one..

A man walked into a doctor's office wanting to get a vasectomy. Uncomfortable with such topics, he nevously asked the doctor what he needed to do.

The doctor looked at the man for a second and asked, "Are you from Arkansas?" The man, a bit surpised at the question, answered, "Yes, I am." "This is what you should do." The doctor continued. "Find a tin can and a large firecracker. Light it, put it in the can, count to ten and then throw it." And the doctor left.

Confused by these instructions, the man went to see another doctor for a second opinion. He explained what he wanted to the second doctor who then also asked if he was from Arkansas.

"Yeah," said the stunned man. "How did you know that?" Ignoring the question, the doctor explained, "Here's what you do. Light a large firecracker, drop it in a tin can, count to ten and throw it." And the doctor left.

On his way home the man thought, "I guess I might as well try it. There must be something to this. Two different doctors told me the exact same thing."

So the man walked out behind his house with a tin can in one hand and a big firecracker in the other. Standing in the middle of his back yard, he lit the fuse and dropped it in the can. He started counting on his fingers, "1...2...3...4...5...". Then he stuck the can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand, "6...7...8".

Blake Hollon sent me these three and I think they're good, damn good...

Two polish guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."

Four catholic school girls are in a car crash and die. They all go up to the Pearly Gates to see St. Peter. He tells them they must confess their sins before they will be allowed in. The first girl steps up and says, "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter replies, "You must dunk the tip of your finger in this holy water and then you may pass." The girl does it and goes through the gates. The second girl steps up and says, "I once touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter replies, "You must dunk your hand in this holy water and then you may pass." She does it and goes through the gates. Before the third girl even has a chance to step up, the fourth girl pushes her out of the way and says, "St. Peter, if you think I'm gonna gargle with that shit after she dunks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

Racist...but a jab at that bitchly fuckwit KKK member Pauline Hanson..I know I'm going to get mail from my overseas friends for this one...

Q. where does pauline hanson park her car

A. on a slope

What's going on in the life of Kylie Taylor???..these 2 are hers...

My mother-in-law broke up our marriage. My wife came home early one evening and found me in bed with her.

Toby had a little lamb ...

His case comes up next friday.

A sex joke and a 'women dissin' joke...the person that sent me these knows me all too well...

A miner comes into town after 3 months up in the hills and goes in to the saloon. Has a couple of drinks and asks the bartender if there are any women in town, the bartender replies that no there aren't, but there is Old Joe up on the hill. "I don't go for that." the miner replies and leaves.

6 months later the miner is back and asks the bartender if any women have come to town yet. The bartender states that no but "Old Joe is still up on the hill." "I don't go for that." the miner replies and leaves again.

9 months later the miner makes it back to town and is now really horney, has a couple of drinks and inquires if any women have gotten into town yet. The bartender says no but "Old Joe is still here."

The miner has a couple of more drinks and asked if he did go see "Old Joe" how many people would know. The bartender replied just me and you and one other person. "Why the other person?" asked the miner. The bartender said "He has to hold him because 'Old Joe' don't go for it either."

Why did God give women pussies?

So men would talk to them.

A fucking classic that I can't believe I had forgotten...

A man comes home one afternoon and shouts, "I've just won the lottery, Mary, so pack your bags for a trip!"

"That's wonderful!" she says, "Should I pack summer clothes or winter clothes?"

"I don't care what you pack," says the man, "Just get the fuck out!"

I happen to like Caeser Salad...

An executive meets his new secretary for the first time,and sees she's a real beauty.With it being close to lunch time,he asks her if she knew the difference between a Blow-Job and a Caesar's Salad...the secretary replies,"No I don't",The executive then says,"Come on lets go to lunch"!

Short and sweet....

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the fuck out of him.

Julie sent me another good old one...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along one day when suddenly Tonto jumps off his horse and puts his ear on the ground. The Lone Ranger is a little confused and asks Tonto what he is doing? Tonto looks up at him and say "Kemosabe, buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks him "how do you know buffalo come?" Tonto replies "Ground sticky!"

Love it....

A farmer is in bed with his wife he grabs her breast and says "If only I could get milk from here I'd sell the cow". His wife gets very angry at this and tells him to go to sleep, as she rolls over he grabs her ass and says "If only I could get eggs from here I'd sell the chickens!" She gets very angry again and tells him to go to sleep. As he is going to sleep his wife grabs his dick and says if I could only get this to work hard I could get rid of the hired help.

Vaughan gave me this beauty and also told me this great line..."Me? Sexist? Why some of my best friends are sluts"...

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes > into the wife's big hairy growler. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken (and amused) but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor heroicly offers to perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly whips out a healthy size penis, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"

RACIST JOKE ALERT

Q: What would they have called the Flintstones if they were black?

A: Fucking niggers

Steve Leppala sent me this next batch of four, and may I say he's a fucking legend for doing so...

A guy sees a doctor about his stuttering. The doctor examines him and says, "Your penis is enormous. It's throwing your whole body off balance, and weighing down your vocal cords. You'll talk fine if you let me cut four inches off. "So it goes, and a month later the guy is back. He says, "Well, I don't stutter now, but all my girlfriends have left. Frankly, it's not worth it. Please sew it back on."

Says the doctor: "F-f-f-fuck y-y-you!"

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you? "

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"