Jokes Archives Page 9

A man limps into a bar with a cane and an alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hey, you can't bring that animal in here." The man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick." The bartender says "lets see." So, the man whips out his shlong and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts whacking the gator in the head. By now a crowd has gathered around and everyone is astonished when he pulls his dick out without a scratch. He looks around and says, "does anyone else want to try?" This old lady raises her hand and says... "Sure but dont hit me with that stick."

Two dumb pollocks are trying to measure a telephone pole. They climb up it and keep sliding down. So along comes this really big black guy and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two gimps say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole." The black guy wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up and puts it back in the ground and says, "40 feet" then he walks away. The first pollock says to the other, "Stupid nigger, we wanted the hieght, not the width."

Michael Jackson, we love you....

Do you know how Michael Jackson can tell when it's bedtime

When the big hand is on the little hand.

And one from me mate smiggins...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One's white, plastic and danderous to young children. The other is a plastic bag.

One from my new friend Anton (I hope I spelt your name right)....

A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car. The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like a lolly?"

The girls looks over and says "My mum told me not to take gifts from strangers....but if you give me $20 I'll suck your dicky!!"

And two from me mate Steve Hrast....

Why did the Aboriginal go to Thailand?

He wanted to become a tai-coon

(tycoon, geddit?? No? Well fuck ya then)

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island when one finds a magic lamp (as you do). they rub the lamp and a genie pops out, giving each of them a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off this island"

*POOF* she turns into a redhead and swims off the island

The second blonde sees this and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so I could get off this island"

*POOF* She turns into a brunette and makes a raft from the trees on the island and sails off.

The third blonde sees this and says "I wish I was 50% smarter so i could get off this island"

*POOF* she turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Not dirty, but funny....

After years of his wife's pleading, this good o'l boy finally goes with her to her little local church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preachers sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied "Oh thank you sir, but please.... I'd rather you not use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at church!" The man said "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put 500.00 in the collection plate!" And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?

These two from someone who was looking at my page on their bosses computer while at work..It's good to see people are wasting their time doing something good...

Q- What are three 2-lettered words that mean small?

A- Is It In?

Q- When are four hands their busiest?

A- When it falls out.

This one is cool...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. Thenew law was that, in order to get into Heaven,you had to have a really bad day the day you died. Thepolicy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate,remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man,"Before I can let you in, I need you to tellme about the day you died."

"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. Ibelieved that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment andhave sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there andbusted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me asI searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up,I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge byhis fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balconyand heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the momentwas so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator......"

An anonymous source sent me these three...

hy does Pauline Hanson like disprins - Because they're white and they work.

How do you get a one armed irish man off a flagpole? - Wave

What was he doing up there in the first place? - raking the leaves

There was this white stuff coming down from the clouds what was it? -

The coming of the lord

Short, from Mindi...

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A. A liquor cabinet.

Mindi sent me this one too....

I thought of a couple more. First one: A man had lived in the city all his life and eventually got sick of all the hustle and bustle. He decided to move to the country to get away from it all. He gets to the country and enjoys all the peace and quiet.

After a couple weeks he goes riding around on his horse to see if he has any interesting neighbors. He rides and rides, but sees no one. Another couple months go by and he is really horny and lonely. Again he goes riding on his horse to see if he can find anybody to talk to at least. After he had been riding for quite some time he comes upon a house. A man is standing outside and they strike up a conversation.

The neighbor says, "Hey, you know what I'm having a party tonight. You should come." The man agrees to it.

The neighbor says,"Well, there's gonna be some drinking." The man replies, "That's good. It's been a while since I've gotten drunk."

The neighbor tells him,"There might be some drugs." The man again replies with"That's okay, I haven't gotten high for a while."

Neighbor:"Well, there might be some sex." Man:"That's okay.I'm getting kinda horny, it's been a while since I got laid.

Neighbor:"Okay. About 8:00 tonight." Man:"I'll be there. Hey what should I wear?" Neighbor:"Doesn't really matter. It's just gonna be you and me."

George Carlin sent me these two, the second may already be on this site, but I don't give a fuck, I love it... The first one is sheer brilliance...

what's 20 feet long and smells like piss?

line dancing at the retirement home.

How do you get a woman to scream twice?

fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.

Evan gets straight to the point...

What is black, white, red, and has trouble going through revolving doors?

A nun with a spear in her head.

Now this is a woman dis, but it's a TRUE women dis. Joey sent me this story about his wife...

One day I had planned to move my large aquarium down into the basement.

When I told my wife of my plan she replied "It's to damp for the fish down there!"

Cryptic, but very clever...I needed an explanation...from Jim

There were two parrots sitting on a perch, on turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish?".

Attack of the gerbils!!!

What do 400pd. gerbils do for fun??

Shove fags up their asses.

An Irish counterpart sent these two in...(please excuse the caps)

WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 RUSSIAN LESBIANS?

ULIC AND ILIC(ULICK&ILICK)

THE 7 DWARFS ARE AT MASS.THE 7 OF THEM ARE AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH MAKING LOADS OF NOISE AND REALLY PISSING THE PRIEST OFF. DURING MASS DOPEY STANDS UP AND ROARS AT THE PRIEST "FATHER ARE THERE ANY MIDGET NUNS??" THE PRIEST,ANNOYED BY THE INTERUPTION SHOUTS BACK "NO DOPEY THERE'S NO MIDGET NUNS IN THE CHURCH:NOW SIT DOWN AND STOP ANNOYING ME."

DOPEY SITS DOWN RATHER PERPLEXED. THE PRIEST CONTINUES WITH MASS AND IS INTERUPTED AGAIN BY DOPEY WITH THE SAME QUESTION;ARE THERE ANY MIDGET NUNS IN THE CHURCH?? THE PREIST ROARS BACK ; "NO DOPEY,THERE'S NO MIDGET NUNS IN THE CHURCH,THERE NEVER WAS AND NEVER WILL BE MIDGET NUNS IN THE CHURCH NOW SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN"

THE PRIEST CONTINUES WITH THE MASS AFTER A SHORT WHILE THE PRIEST HEARS A TAUNT FROM THE BACK OF THE CHURCH, "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN DOPRY FUCKED A PENGUIN"

From Sk8nuts...

This guy is walking down a path and sees an indian laying on the ground holding his dick. The guy asks the indian what he's doing. The indian replies, "Me tell time." The man then asks, "What time is it?" The indian says, "4 o'clock." The man looks at his watch and realizes he is correct.

So the man keeps on walking and sees another indian laying on the ground holding his dick. The man asks,"What are you doing?" the indian replies, "Me tell time, 4:30." Once again the indian is right. So the man continues walking.

He comes up to another indian laying on the groung jacking off. The man then asks, "What are you doing?" The inidian replies, "Me wind clock."

Love it...

This couple needed money so they decided the wife could go out and work the streets. She comes home three o'clock in the moring . The husband asks "how much did you make?". She says "$200.50" He says "who paid you 50 cents?" She says "all of them."

Two cool ones...

Two hippie women are in the garden...one of them pulls a huge carrot out of the ground, turns around and shows it to her friend. "This reminds me of my old man" she says. The other girl's eyes widen, "Wow, is he that big?" "Nah", the other one says, "He's that dirty"

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE pussy!" She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he IS a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She's embarassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..." He says "Better watch out...You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the floor"

Women dissin'?..You be the judge...

One day God says to Adam, "Okay, it's time for you to create a population. Go and kiss Eve." Not knowing what that is, Adam asks, "God, what's a kiss?" So God explains it to Adam who immediately takes Eve into the bushes.

A little while later he comes out and says, "Thanks God. That was great." God then says to Adam, "Now I want you to caress Eve's body." Not knowing what to do, Adam asks, "God what's a caress?" So God explains it to Adam who again takes Eve into the bushes.

A little while later he comes out and says, "Thanks God, that was even better." God then says to Adam, "Now I want you to have sex with Eve." Once again, Adam does not know what to do and asks, "God, what's sex?" So once again God explains, and Adam takes Eve into the bushes.

This time he comes out after only a few seconds and says, "God, what's a headache?"

Very good ....

he madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Men dissin...

What do you call the useless fat around a penis?

A man.

Thanks to Arto...

An old timer in Scotland, in a bar talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months I did. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

The old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, and for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

The old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ye fuck one goat . . . "

cool...

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts!

Um....

Q=What do you call a swimming pool, full of disabled people?

A=Vegetable Soup!!

Simple, not dirty, but good...from Iceman...

Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red? A: So he could hide in the cherry tree.

Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle? A: A giraffe eating cherries.

A question....

If you had a fagget on your back, would you beat him off?

The mother of Invention we thank you....

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?". The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.

"What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know", replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off me an' my watermelon."

Lrian with a bit of man dissin'

How can you tell if a man is horny?

- he's awake

How can you tell if a man is happy?

-who cares?

How can you tell when a man is finished having sex?

-the door opens and the lights turn on.

Chantal...you...I don't know...

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

Four from Jo...i love them...men dissin' in there too..

Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week. The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?' to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'. So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?' and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.

Q : Why are men like toilets?

A : They're either engaged or full of shit

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?

A : Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum

Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?

A : Half a dog

I have James and Eggy to thank for this one...awesome it is...

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the fuck out of him!

From Jim again...

Paddy goes into a store and the assistant convinces him to buy a thermos flask. This flask he says is brilliant it will keep hot things hot and cold things cold. Brilliant I'll take it says Paddy.

Next day in work his workmates ask him what hes got, Its a Thermos says Paddy it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Wow sounds great say his workmates what have you got in it?

Two cups of tea and an ice cream.

From T-Bod....

A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying : "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him : "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.

He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides its not worth it.

He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top.

Theres a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."

Cool...cool..

What you call an Irishman carrying two sheets of glass?

Paddy O'Doors.

Charmaine joins in with the men dissin'

Why don't little girls fart?

Because they don't have assholes till they grow up and get married.

Someone sent these two...

What do two lesbians need in order to get married?

-a liquor license

What is white and green and eats nuts?

-gangrene