Thursday, December 30... This will be the last update of 1999, so if for some reason the world ends day after tomorrow, thanks for the memories...just kidding. Ok, I like Notorious B.I.G., even if he was a big fat slob who sang about eating "steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape". But why for the love of god do Puff Daddy and Biggie always sing about how much money they have? That is so tacky! Every song has to make a reference about "I drive Mercedes" and "drinking Cristal", even if these lyrics don't go with the rest of the song. It's really annoying.Puff Daddy annoys me so bad. Ok, we get it, you're a bad ass. Now why don't you grow the fuck up and start acting like the responsible adult you should be. This man has children who are watching their father act like a gangster when he should thank his lucky stars that he has as much money as he does. What a fool, to jeapordize all that. Or perhaps the thug image is what has made him so successful, and he doesn't want to "go soft". Whatever it is, it's stupid.
I also wanted to say, go check out this site . It's called In Transit, and it's made up of interviews this guy did on the bus in San Francisco. You'll like it.
Wednesday, December 29... You know what's really funny? Eddie Money. For some reason his name popped into my head today and I started laughing spontaneously. Don't ask. HAH!
I have been reluctant to write anything about Y2K, mostly because I've been of the mindset that it's all a bunch of hype, but also because everyone else seems to have addressed it already, and despite all appearances to the contrary, I do strive for a modicum of originality. But as 1/1/00 rapidly approaches, I am starting to get scared. There are way too many crazy people in this world, specifically people who hate the US, who most likely see this as an opportune time to show their displeasure. The government has already caught two suspected terrorists, imagine how many they didn't catch. Am I just falling into the mass hysteria that seems to prevail, albeit on a subdued level? I don't know. The fact that I feel a bit of apprehension is probably normal, it's just scary to know that in all likelihood, something's gonna happen, we just don't know what and on what scale. Maybe it will be minor. Maybe just a few lights will go out and some whack terrorist will be thwarted. But maybe bombs will go off and entire cities will be destroyed. We just don't know, and the fact that there exists even 0.000000001% of a chance doesn't make me feel any better.
Everyone please be careful on New Years Eve.
Tuesday, December 28... Despite my nearly week-long absence, there is not much of interest to report. When the fuck did this become an online journal? Beats me. Anyway, for all you biting your nails awaiting the dramatic conclusion of the Secret Santa gift from hell, I ended up receiving a pair of earrings and a bracelet that actually weren't too bad. Part of me thinks the inquiry about my shoe size was a joke, but knowing the people I work with, probably not.
I've had some people (ok, one person) recently ask me what is up with my hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow. I'll admit, it's a little intense, and probably not too healthy, but just read the following tidbit and see for yourself why I think she's so shallow.
"It's just this person 'Gwyneth Paltrow'. I don't even know who she is. I don't like her and I don't give a s---." -- Gwyneth Paltrow, on Gwyneth Paltrow
Do I even have to comment? (That little gem is courtesy of Break-up Girl)
Wednesday, December 22... I totally don't have any time to be updating today, but I don't want to disappoint my many fans so here goes. I am swamped here at work, I have a shitload of things to finish before I leave today to go out of town, and I have taken on a lackadaisical attitude that would make you proud. I just don't care, I can't make myself finish what I need to do.
We have this secret santa thing going on at work right now, and as usual, I have gotten stuck with a real winner. The first gift I got was okay, it was a really nice pen and pencil, and I thought, "Great, at least this person has some taste. No need to worry about gifts that will go straight to the closet/garbage bin." Well, last week, I arrived at work to find a REALLY heavy bag filled with tissue paper. I thought, "This can't be good." I opened up the first little objet d'art, and it was the ugliest porcelain vase you've ever seen. Oh my god. So I opened another one, and it was a matching picture frame. There were five similar items in the bag, all in this hideous pale blue porcelain. Gag. Our spending limit was $5, and I can't believe this person paid even THAT much for these crappy things. Then, it made me think. What person bought these things for me thinking I would LIKE them? What does that say about how my co-workers view me? I know, I'm being mean, but godamnit, the person I have has so far received a really nice calendar and a basket of soaps and lotions and stuff from me, things I would have preferred to kept for myself! Where is this leading, Lisa? I'll tell you...yesterday I was asked by someone on behalf of my secret santa what my shoe size is. This person is going to buy me a fucking pair of shoes. You don't BUY someone a pair of shoes, especially someone you don't know that well. I shudder to think what awaits me on Monday, considering our limit is $20.
No one is updating lately! What's up with that? Someone, anyone, get your ass in gear and update your damn pages! Aussie Lisa and I are the only ones who seem to be updating consistently lately. If we can do it, so can you. Quit slacking.
How was that for a pep talk?
Ok, that's all until after Christmas (did I just contradict everything I just said?). Everyone have a great holiday!
Tuesday, December 21... I don't know about the rest of the world, but here in my neck of the woods, 1999 has been absent of the song..."1999". I thought for sure that this would be the year of Prince, that we would be hearing that song on the radio in heavy rotation, on TV, maybe even a cover by Britney Spears or some other pop sensation, but nothing. Which is fine by me, don't get me wrong. I love Prince just as much as the next person, but how corny would that be?
The Golden Globe nominations came out and Gwyneth wasn't nominated for anything. Thank you god.
Monday, December 20...Why do radio stations still insist on playing "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" during the holiday season? WHY?!? For the love of god, someone please tell me.....
Saturday, December 18...Ok, so I lied, I'm updating today. I thought I was going to have to go out of town this weekend, but the plans changed at the last minute, and so I spent a glorious day at home yesterday away from the tedium of work. I came to the realization that as boring as my job is, staying at home every day would be far worse! When did daytime TV get so bad? Perhaps the more appropriate question is, was it ever good? I'm sure that the TV execs have done their marketing studies, but surely, there can't be such an abundance of pathetic middle-aged housewives in America! As far as network TV goes, you have the choice of either watching soap operas, pathetic court shows, or talk shows. And who can actually watch a talk show and feel good about themselves afterwards? Ok, so Jerry Springer was entertaining in the beginning, but it has gotten so predictable that I question how anyone could derive pleasure from watching it. The choices available on satellite were no better. There was a gem of a flick on called "The Makings of a Male Model" starring Joan Collins, circa 1975. The scene I saw involved an intervention with one model (male, of course), who had developed a cocaine problem because he was getting old and was only being offered print jobs in Sears catalogues! Campy is the only word to describe this film.
So I played a computer game for awhile (Imperialim), read a bit, ran some errands, watched Courtney Love on The Rosie O'Donnell show (girlfriend has officially sold out) and drank beer. All in all, a pretty uneventful day.
I'm sure you all are totally enthralled with the details of my day off from work.
I also discovered some new ammunition against Gwyneth. I found an anti-Gwyneth site that claims she is extremely promiscuous, which led to the break-up of her and Brad as well as virtually every other guy she has dated. This lends itself to my theory that deep down inside, Gwen knows she is a fake and a phony. It is a documented fact that girls who are promiscuous tend to be lacking in the self-esteem department. She probably had to gain personal validation by feeling attractive to as many men as possible. God, I hate her. The previews for the "The Talented Mr. Ripley" make me want to puke.
On that happy note, I'm signing off. Peace out.
Thursday, December 16... God, I have cramps like a mofo right now. Not even the almighty Midol is soothing the savage beast. Today I'd like to take the opportunity to offer some candid commentary on some of the web pages that I frequent. This is not going to be a mean-spirited bitch session, so for all of you who were expecting me to be a bit catty, well, no such luck. So here we go...
On My Turf:Naturally, I am commenting on Jen's page first, because, well, it is so damn good. I don't understand why she doesn't get more traffic, because this page never fails to crack me up. She's gotten pretty damn savvy with the graphics and such lately, so not only is it fun to read but it looks pretty damn good too.
No Page for You!: I miss this page, although I understand Allison's reasons for changing. Sitting here at work, bored off my ass for 90% of the day, I depend on daily updates and entertaining fodder to brighten my meaningless existence. Now Allison is updating only once a week. Which sucks. Now she does Paperweight, and the format is better suited for her writing skills. It takes talent to write so cohesively on one topic, and girlfriend's got it.
The Caffeine Homepage: (A thought just occurred to me...I should probably be putting up links to these, but you can find them all in my links section, so if for some bizzare reason you're not already familiar with these pages, go there.) I like the fact that I can always count on Jen for updates, and I like the fact that she discusses mundane events like getting new pants and makes them funny. This is the first page I check out every day, if truth be told. I must admit I miss the Mariah bashing, because the hatemail it generated was too damn funny. And as we all know, hatemail isn't meant to boost someone's ego, it's meant to make us laugh.
Ok, this isn't quite turning out like I wanted it to, this sounds like a rehash of my links page. Fuck it, I'm in pain and don't really feel like starting all over.
Evita was on TV last night. I loved this movie when it came out. OK, I'll admit that Andrew Lloyd Webber is totally queer and that most of his musicals suck, but I LOVED Evita. I especially adore that we are supposed to believe that Madonna is only 15 in the beginning. That wig she's wearing...barf! It makes me laugh every time.
The pain is too much...that's all for today. No more updates until Monday, so have a good weekend, Dear Reader!
Wednesday, December 15... Wow, Tina sure had a mouthful to say in her latest update. However, her bravado has in turn inspired me to say something that will probably brand me as the pariah of the Internet and bring my traffic to a screeching halt, but here goes anyway...it's time that I said what I really think...
I think Star Wars sucks.
Not only that, but I think the people who are like in their twenties and thirties and who obsess over these movies need to get a freakin life. Yeah, I went and saw "The Phantom Menace". It blew. I almost fell asleep. It was contrived, cheesy, predictable, and the dialogue sounded like it was written by a ten year old. If you are a Star Wars fan, I am truly sorry. I really am not trying to make you angry. I just find the whole series boring and there are a million things I would rather do with my time than debate the merits of Darth Maul versus Darth Vader or whatever the fuck people talk about when it comes to Star Wars.
God, that felt good.
Let me preface this ditty that was in today's Onion by saying I'm not anti-semitic. But Christ, this was hilarious.
"World's Jews Celebrate Christmas With Ceremonial Re-Murdering Of Christ
JERUSALEM--As Christians everywhere celebrate the birth of Christ this holiday season, the world's approximately 14 million Jews are also commemorating the special holiday, as they do each year, by ceremonially re-murdering the Baby Jesus. Details of the time-honored Jewish tradition include the baking of a baby-shaped potato pancake, which is filled with beet juice and then beheaded by a demon-horned rabbi using a specially blessed "baby-killing" knife. "I love devouring Christians' young almost as much as corrupting maidens," said Benjamin Levy, 89. "It's a magical time for all." The re-murdering is among the most important celebrations of the Jewish calendar, second only to the springtime "Poisoning of the Easter Wells" festival."
And for anybody out there that takes offense, lighten up.
Tuesday, December 14...The countdown to 2000 continues, and I'm sitting here wondering where all the doomsdayers are! I was expecting some real crazies on the airwaves, especially on that wacko religous channel with the lady with the purple hair (you know who I'm talking about), but so far, no luck. I remember as a wee lass having this friend who would torment me with tales of Nostradamus, saying how the world was defintely going to end in 2000, that it was a fact. She was a year older than me, so her words carried a lot of weight. This was also about the time that Prince's song "1999" was popular, so whenever I heard that song I would get chills and shudder in horror and thank my lucky stars that I had about 15 years left on the planet to enjoy. Nostradamus really used to freak the hell out of me, but I seem to remember him predicting something about the Eiffel Tower falling down in like 1995 and that never happened so whatever. If the world DID end, it wouldn't be so bad. For one, I wouldn't have to come to this shitty job anymore. Plus, I've lived out my good years, the prime of my life, so I think I could handle being blown to smithereens.
Changing the subject...remember when driving used to be fun? When you turned 16 (or whatever the legal age of driving is in your state/country) and you would beg your parents to let you run errands or whatever because the actual act of driving was enjoyable? Why did it stop? I guess the thrill wears off after awhile.
I found out the other day that this total tool (how's that for alliteration) I went to high school with was one of the protestors at the World Trade Organization conference in Seattle and he got shot by a rubber bullet. Hee-hee. His dad wrote a letter to the editor of our local paper bemoaning the fact that his "poor son who was only showing how much he cares for the planet" could get so brutally attacked by the police. Yeah fucking right. This guy is the biggest dickhead, druggie, asshole you could ever care to meet. He got everything he deserved, as well as those other good-for-nothing hippies. HAH!!!! That made my day.
Monday, December 13...Yesterday I went and saw "The Green Mile". Let me preface this little commentary by saying that Stephen King is the literary equivalent of Kathy Lee Gifford, and had I realized that the movie was based on a book of his, I probably wouldn't have gone to see it. However, this movie was amazing. I bawled like a baby in one scene, was horrified by others, and left the theatre thinking differently and feeling like a personal revelation had occured. Even the presence of Tom Hanks didn't spoil it for me. I am not exagerating when I say this movie was truly brilliant, and I really hope it gets nominated for many Academy awards.
My latest copy of Jane arrived this weekend, with your friend and mine Pamela Anderson Lee on the cover. I really don't have anything against the woman, and I don't think her sexy image should automatically dismiss her as being intelligent or career savvy (which I think she definetly fits the latter.) However, the article talked about her reconciliation with Tommy Lee and how they are working things through for the sake of their children and their relationship. This horrified me. I don't know these people. I believe people can change. I don't know if Tommy is truly repentant. I just can't understand how Pamela can take him back after some of the alleged beatings he gave her. Their situation strikes me as being just as abusive as ever, Pamela being the enabler and Tommy promising to change. Maybe he will, who knows. But as a girl who was once married to someone with a terrible temper (who of course always promised to change himself) it makes me shake my head and wonder. I wonder why I should give a fuck about Pamela Anderson Lee, I wonder why I should care about a woman who I've never met and who many would probably question why I've lent her my sympathy. It's just way way too easy to perpetuate these cycles, and with two small children, it's even scarier. Of course, I'm also about to start my period, so maybe that's why I am being so melodramatic.
Friday, December 10...I am so glad people are starting to realize the genius that is Jen (see below). This girl is so cool. My boyfriend even asked me today if I had a crush on her (he wishes). Anyway, I have been in an update slump lately, probably because my work environment is SO not conducive to creativity. The flourescent lights just put a zap on my brain. So here I am, Friday evening at around 6:11, just submitted my last essay via email, drinking a beer, and the thoughts are just flowing. It's amazing how beer can make one so productive. Tonight I have my company Christmas party to go to, and let me tell you how much I am looking forward to that...like, not at all. They're having mariachis for gods sake, and if you don't know what those are, you are only lucky person. Plus I just believe that there should be a line drawn between work and real life. I don't want to socialize with my workmates, I'm sorry, but a bigger bunch of freaks you never met in your life.
Thursday, December 9...My only words of wisdom for the day are GO RIGHT NOW TO On My Turf and read Jen's latest pieces on school shootings and men in jail and the women who love them. We have a new genius in our midst.
Tuesday, December 7...Things most certainly are NOT OK in Oklahoma today. Four more kids got shot and the morning news was wailing about "the wake-up call to America" that our kids are in trouble. Excuse me, but what the fuck was Littleton? How many more wakeup calls do we need to get before people remove their heads from their anuses and realize that this country is full of whack white kids. Chris Rock said it best, white people are fucking crazy (ok, so he didn't say it like that, you get my drift). Jen said it pretty good too, crazy fucking white people. It's always white kids doing this shit, white kids in suburbia, white kids that have no point of reference regarding reality and therefore feel justified in trying to take out their classmates. "Whoa is me! The mean kids are making fun of me!" Fuck the mean kids! Metaphorically! Ten years from now, you, the big nerd or geek or outsider who is shunned or made fun of will be far more successful than Buffy on the cheerleading squad who will be barefoot and pregnant and married to an abusive dickhead! I promise, it ALWAYS happens. Bask in your geekdom! Hasn't anyone taken the lessons taught in "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" to heart? Goddammit, don't go shooting people and ruining your life in the process. What kind of revenge is that? If you shoot them and they live, they wind up on the cover of People as heroes, and you wind up in Sing Sing with a big black roommate named Bunny. Revenge is a dish best served cold, get your revenge by being ultra-successful and happy. Not by killing their stupid asses and landing yourself in jail. How can anyone look at Kip Kinkel, who is serving consecutive life sentences, and think, "Yes, this is what I will do, I will go on a murderous spree, getting my 15 minutes of fame, after which no one will ever remember me, and then sit in a dank prison cell for the rest of my life. Yes, that is a fair trade."
No, sorry, it don't add up.
Thursday, December 2... (Before I start, let me just say that I never listen to Dr. Laura. The only reason I did yesterday was out of sheer frustration with my CD collection and FM radio. Read on.) No one has the power to make me scream at the radio quite like Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I do not understand why this woman is so popular, nor do I understand why people call her show only to be berated by her. "I am my kid's mom"? What is that?
Dr. Laura encourages women to stay home when they have kids. She claims that having a career outside of the home is "selfish", and that if you have a child you should be responsible enough to give it the care that it deserves. This comes from a woman who has a career as a talk radio host. Maybe she gets to spend time with her child. Fine. But I've got news for you, Dr. Laura: Not everyone has it as easy as you do.
Even the fact that she is a hypocrite is besides the point. I don't have a problem with the fact that she used to live with someone before she was married and now advises people against it. It's the way she advises them. Like treating them like morons. Ok, so the majority of the people who call her ARE pretty lame. But these are people who for whatever reason feel they have no one else to turn to, and so depend on the snotty advice of Dr. Laura. A woman called in yesterday wondering if she should tell her son that the man who abandoned them both was not his real father. Dr. Laura proceeds to berate this lady, asking her how she could have been stupid enough to let two men sleep with her who didn't care about her, and now her son is paying the price. This infuriated me. Maybe this woman wasn't the brightest in the world. Maybe she had made some bad choices. But is that any reason to totally rip her a new asshole?
I think people call Dr. Laura WANTING that kind of treatment, and who knows, maybe she knows what she's doing (her show is pretty damn popular), but I just cannot understand it. Gluttons for punishment.
This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I'm not kidding. I am wallowing in a mire of stress, wondering what the hell I'm doing struggling with 12 hours of graduate-level courses while working 40 hours a week. Ok, enough bitching about me, on to other things...
Christmas is grabbing me by the proverbial balls this year. I'm loving the carols, the trees, the fucking ornaments. What the hell is wrong with me?!? Even the prospect of being with my family isn't the nightmare that it usually is. Sign number 593 that I am slowly going insane. In other news, I have found my mission in life...I am going to be a toy designer! This Pokemon bullshit that's sweeping the nation is the biggest racket since Prohibition..it's quite a brilliant concept, actually. Here it is in a step-by-step format:
1. Devise a concept that appeals to both boys and girls. This way you don't lose out on any important demographics.
2. Create about a zillion characters, this appeals to kids for some reason.
3. Make something that you TRADE, or that you must COLLECT. This will encourage kids to bug their parents incessantly until they buy them each and every one of the damn things.
4. Final step...make a movie!And there you have it, my four-step plan to wealth and fame. I don't understand Pokemon, I don't want to know more about it than I already do, but goddamn those Japs are getting rich off it.