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February 29...What a scare...I thought all of February had vanished in a freak Angelfire accident. It was enough to make me want to get my own domain, but I just can't justify spending the money. I hardly think 50 hits a day necessitates forking over $40 bucks a year just for the thrill of seeing my name in a dot com. But Aaron C. was kind enough to send me the recovered file….so my work isn't going to win any awards, but it's my little piece of vanity, and I didn't like the thought of it all going down the drain.
I just read something on the Squishy boards that got me thinking. Someone said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that Kid Rock has proved that unlike today's crop of female singers that are all thin and attractive, a man can be both untalented AND unattractive and still sell a lot of albums. That is really and truly sad. I look at Britney and Christina and Jennifer Lopez and think Jesus Christ, is THAT what I as a woman am supposed to aspire to? No! I'm not going to starve myself or deprive myself of anything just to be considered attractive. It's such a double standard and such bullshit, I don't know where to begin saying how wrong all of it is. I saw an advertisement on television yesterday for some kind of makeup...it had what's-her-name from Melrose Place on it, Courtney Thorne-Smith? Is that her name? This woman has always been thin, but on this commercial, she was fucking GAUNT, her cheekbones looked like they were about to puncture her skin. Maybe she's been hanging out with Calista Flockhart too much, but I think a better explanation is that successful=skinny in Hollywood. It pisses me off. It pisses me off that Kate Winslet and Christina Ricci are considered "plump". Sorry...I just hate being made to feel fat or unattractive, because if being desirable means being like Jennifer Lopez, I'll pass.
I am starting to get a little wedding crazy. I bought one of those wedding magazines at the grocery store this weekend...are these for real? One article described the average cost of a wedding running at $25,000. Even if I had a spare $25,000 lying around, I seriously doubt I would want to spend it all on my upcoming nuptials. Although that would make for a pretty good party.
February 25...You would not believe how giddy I am right now. I am literally levitating off this chair. I got a formal offer yesterday. I gave my two weeks notice this morning. In two weeks, I will no longer be employed at the office from hell. My suckbeast of a boss was actually very cool about it, too. Sorry to see you go, but I understand, all those typical excuses. I am just so estatic that this day has finally come. No more "Feel Like Making Love"! No more screening phonecalls and being berated by overzealous telemarketers. And most importantly...a PHAT raise. Go Lisa! It's your birthday! Go Lisa! It's your birthday!
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
February 24...Do you ever have your heart absolutely set on something, and when you don't get it, you feel like your world is crumbling around you, no matter how trivial your desired object is? If you do (and I think you do), you will know how I felt last night when I went out for what I anticipated to be a delicious chinese meal.
Let me set the stage for you...Monday night M. and I went to a local chinese eatery which is usually pretty good. I wasn't feeling very well, but I knew that eating would probably make me feel better. We decide to order vegetable dumplings and orange beef and split them between us. Despite my feeling like poop, that was one of the best chinese meals I have ever eaten. It was perfect, I savored every bite.
Yesterday I had a really harried day. I had a job interview during my lunch hour (where I got an offer! More on that later...), so did not have time to eat lunch. Crackers out of the vending machine didn't quite cut it, so by 5:00 I was ravenous. I called M. at work and said "When you get home, we are going STRAIGHT to Ching Chung." Ching Chung isn't really the name of the place, that's just what we call it. So we get there and place our orders, and proceed to sit and wait patiently for our food. Let me interject right now by pointing out that the person who was serving us was a total Pat. We couldn't tell if it was a guy or a girl, it was the weirdest thing. We finally decided it was a she, but even now I'm not so sure. So we get our dumplings but no orange beef. Being the weenie that I am, I sit there patiently eating my dumplings, all the while whispering to M. "I don't think we're getting our orange beef!" He's saying "I'm sure we are, I'll ask her? him? them when they get back." The waiter comes and goes, no orange beef. I am starting to get really worried, because I really really want this orange beef! "But she asked us what kind of rice we wanted!" I wailed. We finally get our orange beef, and as M. and I start to take our first bites, we both give each other funny looks. "This tastes like chicken fried steak," I say. "I don't think it's cooked all the way," says M. "You know what this tastes like? This tastes like liver." As someone who has never tried liver, I shuddered in horror. Liver! They served us liver! M. says "It's probably not liver, but it sure tastes like it." I dropped my fork, dejected, devastated. Whether it was liver or not, it wasn't what I had envisioned, and consequently I wanted no part of it.
As we were leaving the restaurant, we overheard a table of fat obnoxious people repeatedly calling our waiter a "he". Every time they said "he", she shook her head. It was the funniest thing.
So yeah, I think I may have an offer. I don't want to get too excited until it's official, but if it is, I will enter the exciting world of mortgage lending. I lead a glamorous life, I know.
This morning as M. and I were getting ready for work, he brought up Johnny Number 5 for some reason. So of course I have to start singing "Who's Johnny, she said, and smiled in her special way!". Now I have El Debarge stuck in my head. Do you know how horrible it is to have that song stuck in your head?
There is nothing grosser than a middle-aged person who thinks they are hip. I'm sitting here listening to two people in my office who invariably get together on a daily basis to talk about music. The guy will play a CD by like Matchbox 20 and sing along, while the lady will be like "Yeah, I really love this song! Oh, but what about this new Pearl Jam song? It's REALLY good!" They like all that crap rock, I can't define it really well because I don't know the names of these bands, or whether in fact there ARE multiple bands or just one band. They LOVE Rob Thomas. They LOVE that Santana song he has. They LOVE to play it really really loud and nod there heads to it and bask in their perceived hipness. The guy is in a local band. A COVER BAND. And he talks about it all the time. Like being in a cover band is something to be proud of.
Oh, and he also plays "Feel Like Making Love" every day really loud. Gross.
February 23...A couple of brief thoughts before I have to resume pretending to work...
1. I got rejected for the job I applied for last week. Part of me doesn't care because I found out after I arrived for the interview that it was for an internship out of town this summer that I wouldn't have accepted even if I had been offered the job, but the fact that they didn't want me sent me into a depressive spiral last night. My confidence is in the proverbial toilet.
2. George Bush lost Michigan! Ok, so in the long run this means nothing, since Super Tuesday is coming up and he will undoubtedly sweep that, but it's nice to know there are still some logical-thinking Americans.
3. I am finding lots of good journal sites. It all started with Squishy . I have now moved on to Bobofett and Plaintive Wail . God bless all the witty web journals out there for making my time at work seem less torturous.
4. I want to make fondue! Does anyone out there have a good fondue recipe? If so, please send it to me.
5. Remember that song "Bittersweet Symphony"? Aren't you glad it finally went away?
February 21...Saturday night I watched "Office Space", and while it was a really funny movie and I thoroughly enjoyed watching it, I am now sitting here at work on a Monday morning depressed beyond belief. We all know by now how much I hate my job, even I am sick of listening to myself bitch about it, but I just can't see the end in sight and it's really starting to get BAD. I don't know why I attribute watching that movie to my current state of job-related depression, except that the scene where they smash the printer in that field to a backdrop of gangster rap music just got me way too excited. Of course that could have more to do with my unnatural obsession with wanting to break things. My best friend Ramsey had a garage sale when we were in high school, and was selling a 12" TV that no longer worked. I wanted to buy that thing so bad just so I could smash it with a hammer or something. It was an overwhelming obsession really, my fingers would ache from wanting to smash that thing to pieces. She wouldn't let me buy it from her, though. Something about "being hazardous to the environment". Hmph. My desire to destroy something...it's akin to the feeling I get when I see something so terribly cute I just want to squeeze it to death. Why does something being cute bring out these bizarre desires in other people to hurt it? And before you start acting like you don't know what I'm talking about, I have had several other people say they've felt the same way from time to time, so don't act like you've never felt like that!
We also watched "Showgirls" Saturday night. Is that not the best movie EVER? I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more...poor poor Elizabeth Berkeley. Who would have thought the scope of her acting abilities reached their peak on "Saved By the Bell"? The episode where she becomes addicted to "pep pills" was groundbreaking, and her rendition of "I'm So Excited" is something I won't soon forget. "I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm...so...SCARED!"
There was no way that anyone involved with the making of that movie could have taken it seriously, but really, what was the point of that line about the dog food? You know the scene I'm talking about...Crystal and Nomi are sitting at the restaurant in the Forum, when Nomi compares brown rice and vegetables to dog food. Crystal says "I used to eat dog food...Doggy Chow", to which Nomi replies "I used to eat Doggy Chow too!" HUH?
My other favorite bit of inconsistency is when Nomi tries out for the show at the Stardust and totally freaks out when that guy asks her to put ice on her nipples. The girl used to be a prostitute and is now a stripper, but for some reason the request that she have perky nipples makes her flip her lid.
But that's what makes it so great, I suppose.
I happened to catch a news story today about the guy who was on "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire"...the shit is starting to hit the fan...not only isn't he the real-estate developing mogul he claimed to be, but his ex-fiancee filed a restraining order against him several years ago, claiming he beat her when she tried to break up with him. Scary. That is really really scary. But yet these women were perfectly willing to marry a complete stranger, all because he had money (or claimed to, anyway). Be careful what you wish for...
February 18...Although I'm only 25, I already feel like I am aging at an accelerated rate. For the most part, I equate getting older with getting better, but there are some aspects of aging that I am finding difficulty coping with.
For instance, I can't take loud music anymore. It's embarrassing when I'm in a public place and the music is blaring and I turn to the person next to me and say "For the love of God, why is the music so loud?". When did I turn into that person who can't take music at an elevated level?
I also haven't bought a new CD in about six months. I used to enjoy new music, and would actively search it out. Now I can't remember the last time I listened to a CD that was released after 1993. It's like my taste in music has become stuck in some time warp, a place where "Paul's Boutique" and The Smiths are still played in heavy rotation. Whenever I happen to stumble across MTV, I stare at the screen with a mixture of confusion and disgust. Kids these days! With their Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit! It's similar to what my parents must have felt when they bought Like a Virgin for me (on LP, I might add) at the tender age of nine. It must have shocked the pants off of them that I wanted to listen to a girl who wore lace and crucifixes and not much else.
I don't want to turn into one of those people who is incapable of understanding what it's like to be young, but I can already see it happening. Sigh.
Feburary 16... M. makes fun of me on a daily basis for the steaming cup of coffee on my front page. To all those who mercilessly make fun of animated GIFs...I like my cup of coffee, damnit! So nyah nyah nyah!!
Today I had a job interview, and the entire experience reminded me how ridiculous the whole interview process really is. I understand that they (the interviewer) are trying to ascertain what kind of skills and talents you will bring to the organization, but I really don't understand the logic behind some of the questions they ask.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about a time you reached out to someone in an organization, a time when you thought, "I really need to make an effort to get to know that person."
Call me dense, call me stupid, call me Al, but what on god's green earth is that question trying to determine? I couldn't figure it out then and I can't figure it out now. I sat there like a doofus for what seemed like hours (but was actually only seconds) and finally eked out "I've never conciously thought something like that." It really threw me.
So the Oscar nominations came out yesterday, and while normally Oscar time is something I get excited about, there isn't anyone nominated this year that I especially care about. The only thing that vaguely concerns me is that I don't want Hillary Swank to win. I don't like her. Maybe Boys Don't Cry is a great movie, I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. Maybe she's the greatest actress since Greta Garbo and this is the beginning of great things to come. In my mind, all of that is irrelevant because I cannot take anyone seriously that used to be on 90210. Not only that, but she is too damn skinny, and that protruding jaw of hers is going to take someone's eye out if she's not careful.
February 15...I have to eat my words today, because after I updated yesterday I received a dozen and a half roses from my sweetie. Gag, I know, sorry for being so pathetically in love. I found a great website yesterday. It's Hole City and is extremely funny in an Onion-y sort of way. If you like making fun of pop-culture, this site is for you.
Sometimes I feel like I am way too obsessed with pop culture, but how can I say that with a straight face when I've never seen a single episode of Ally McBeal? That's right, I've never watched it, don't even have a clue what the show is about, although I've been able to decipher that it's chock full of short skirts and Calista Flockheart looking like a deer caught in headlights. I never watch network TV, with the exception of The Simpsons and Futurama, of course. I find it too simplistic and infuriating, and yet I will watch E! Entertainment television for hours...I once sat through a marathon of Fashion Emergency, I'm not kidding. Isn't that totally embarrasing to admit? I love Fashion Emergency, but god, Leon is the biggest freak ever. I would be on that show if I got a written agreement from the show's producers that the english chick would conduct my makeover, but those are the ONLY circumstances. I'm convinced that Fashion Emergency is going to come whisk me away someday. M. will ask me if I want to be on the show, and I will start to look over my shoulder to see if Leon is waiting to pounce on me...it's getting ridiculous.
I am starting to work out again, and being as sedentary as I am, I'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. I find working out so incredibly boring, that nine times out of ten I end up leaving the gym not because I'm tired but because there isn't anything on the television monitors worth watching. I have to be distracted while exercising, or else I begin to fixate on how much doing Stairmaster sucks. Really, why do I pay a ridiculous amount of money each month to put myself through that torture? Actually, I already know the answer to that question...it's because elastic waistband pants are starting to sound appealing.
February 14...I realize I have been MIA the past couple of days, but I was out of town and otherwise having a life. However, I am back at work today so things should return to normal.
So I watched Mystery Men yesterday, and I thought it was extremely funny. I don't know why every review that I have read was negative, because it was a good movie. True, it was a little formulaic at times, but overall, I dug it. Janeane rocks.
Today is Valentines Day, and I suppose it's de rigeur to mock it and pooh-pooh it, but I kind of like it. M. and I put a moratorium on Valentine's day this year...it's not a holiday I choose to celebrate with flowers or candy or an expensive dinner. Why fall into the trap of marketers around the world who jack up prices on these items this time of year? But it's nice to have an excuse to eat cupcakes with pink frosting and candy hearts. Plus I am trying to be a little sweeter today to those around me, and if you knew me well you would know that truly is a gift of love.
February 9...Woo-hoo! Publisher is my bitch...I can't believe how much better my site looks already. Granted, I still have a ways to go, but if you knew how pathetic my knowledge of HTML and all that other malarky is you would be as impressed as I am. Go me!
I am so mad at Bill Clinton today. I went to go pick up M. for lunch at 11:30, our usual dining time, and found the street leading to where he works blocked off. No problem, I thought, I'll just turn around and go another way. Intersections were blocked off street after street after street...I couldn't understand it. I turned on the radio, nothing about what was going on. My mind started wandering...maybe it's an escaped killer on the loose! Maybe there was a giant chemical spill! I finally get to a phone to tell M. why I haven't picked him up yet...and find out it's all due to that fact that Bill Clinton is in town to attend a fund raiser. An entire thoroughfare that I must cross to get to M.'s place of employment was completely shut down for several hours so that Clinton could get from the airport to the fundraiser.
This is ridiculous. I know the security of the president is something that has to be safeguarded and whatnot, but does that justify shutting down entire streets so that the regular peons of America are forced to give up whatever plans they had in order to accomodate Bill Clinton's fat ass raising money for the democrats? Methinks not.
So I channeled my annoyance into something positive...I decided to fuck that salad I had been planning to eat for lunch and instead treat myself to some Burger King. I figured I deserved it after all the trouble Bill put me through. Don't you?
February 8...I spent all afternoon figuring out Publisher (ok, so it's not that hard) and trying to come up with a new design for my website, and after two hours came up with two new pages. After that, I don't ever want to deal with it again. What a pain in the ass! So if things don't match, you'll understand, right? Thanks.
Man, I'm beat.
February 4... Guess what? Jen and I are going to come face to face next month in New Orleans in what I am unofficially heralding as the biggest drinking contest of the millennium. That's right, Lisa is going to meet one of her internet friends. (Ewww, I just refered to myself in the third person.) I never actually thought I'd meet someone in person that I'd met online, so I am very psyched and of course will document the big event with pictures and even a write up. I hate to say this, but I am going to prevail. I come from a long line of alcoholics, plus I think I weigh more than she does. I knew I was keeping that body fat on for a reason.
The internet is officially the best invention ever...I just found The Facts of Life website!!! It has everything...episodes, anecdotes, the theme song (Did you know Alan Thicke wrote it? His talent knows no boundaries)...I am in Natalie-Toodie-Jo-Blair heaven. I loved this show when I was younger. That and Silver Spoons. I think they came on back to back, but I could be wrong. I always envied Blair, didn't like Jo (I thought she was too butch), and the others I could take or leave...take or leave? Or is it leave or take? Whatever, this site is awesome and I highly recommend it.
My boss is the most annoying man in the whole wide world. This morning I felt like Lily Tomlin in "Nine to Five", I just wanted to put rat poison in his coffee or something. He's the kind of person that accuses me of losing or forgetting things so as not to make himself look bad. I have too much dignity to put up with it, but I'm too much of a pussy to actually say anything to him. So I just seethe and bitch about it when I get home. My advice to whomever is reading this...think long and hard before you sign any sort of contract or agreement when accepting a job offer. The terms may sound fine at the time, but make sure there is a way to get out of it if necessary that isn't too painful. Don't ever let someone be able to hold something over your head.
There is a stray cat that lives in the vicinity of our house that likes to fornicate with my car every night. Every morning when I get in my car to drive to work he's sprayed all over the windshield. What is it about steel and glass that is so erotic? Whatever it is, it's disgusting.
February 3...Ever since I changed the title on my front page to "Whoomp, there it is", I've noticed a proliferation of people who have arrived at my site by searching for "whoomp", or "whoomp there it is". To all those people...I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to deceive you into thinking I was Tag Team, or that this is a Tag Team fansite, or anything of the sort. I know how dissappointed you must be to arrive at my page (which is listed as the number one site for whoomp there it is on some search engines) to find no mention of what must be your favorite musical group. I am truly truly sorry, and will try to think of some other clever or catchy name to use as my title.
I am in a really crappy mood today. This morning as I was preparing myself for work, I looked at the clothes in my closet with a mixture of disgust and loathing. I know that when most girls say they have no clothes, they are whining, but really, I have NO CLOTHES!!! So I picked the jeans up off the floor that I've worn for the past two days in a row, threw on a sweatshirt, and was out the door. I get to work and somebody says "You look casual today". I melted them. Why don't you just say "My, you look like shit today"? It's the same damn thing. Dick.
February 2...There will be no update today and if you actually care about the lack of update, you can blame it all on Jen who sent me a link to Squishy yesterday. This site is so wonderful, so funny, I haven't been able to stop reading it all day. I'm only up to September 1998 and already I am trying to slow down and make it last longer. I wish I had 1/10th the talent that Pamie does.
February 1...This morning I noticed an interesting phenomenon. How is it that in the year 2000 we still have people who aren't completely familiar with ATM machines? I woke up this morning ravenously hungry, and decided that before work I would treat myself to some breakfast from my favorite regional fastfood establishment. As I'm approaching the ATM which is located just across the street from said establishment, who should pull in right before me but a very old man driving the biggest Caddy you've ever seen. At this point I'm already fuming, because the elderly and machinery often make for great frustration on my part. So the guy gets out of his car and studies the machine for about two minutes before even inserting his card. Then, from my vantage point, he gets his PIN wrong, has to start all over...I think you can imagine my frustration, especially since I was trying to feed my belly and get to work ontime (which didn't happen, but no one noticed). I realize that someday I too will be old, and maybe even feeble, but don't they realize what a burden they place on the rest of us?
Speaking of the elderly, I'm surprised Ronald Reagan hasn't died yet. Somebody signed my guestbook recently going off on how much they loved Reagan. I suppose he assumed I am a Democrat from my piece about how I hate George W. Bush. Despite my criticism of the man that Republicans have proclaimed the next Messiah, I am not a Democrat. I'm not too fond of Clinton, even if I did vote for him in '92 (hey, I was young and idealistic). I loathe politics, I think the only kinds of people who want to be politicians are those with enormous egos. Wouldn't it be refreshing to have a politician campaign and just use real words? Just give a speech like "I want to help America, and I don't want to have to use fancy, meaningless rhetoric and give hour long speeches that nobody really wants to sit through. I'm going to talk like a real person, make decisions like a real person, and ACT like a real person." But of course that would expose the fact that most people who want to be president don't have a clue WHY they are running, other than to boost their prestige.
There has got to be something seriously wrong with somebody who would subject themselves to that. Maybe I'm too self-centered, but I value my free time WAY too much to spend it giving speeches all day and be followed around by secret servicemen.
So back to Ronald Reagan...I can't believe he is still alive! It's amazing! How old is he, 102, 103? I bet he dies within the next...three months. We'll see if I'm right.
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