July 31...So it's technically still July 30, but since I know for a fact I won't feel like updating tomorrow, you get to jump into the future so to speak. I just drank a big cup of coffee, which has the effect of me acting like a speed freak, so now I'm super hyper and taking it out on you guys. You would think that my former Diet Coke addiction would have numbed me to the effects of caffeine, but for some reason coffee just makes me bounce of the walls. Woo hoo!

I'm listening to Aimee Mann right now, enjoying the anticipation of an approaching thunderstorm, and feeling really good about life. Not to get too serious on you guys, but when I think that just a year and a half ago my life was as bad as it possibly could be, and compare it to now, it makes me want to cry. I probably sound like a raving ego-maniac, but I love myself a great deal, and I'm so glad the bullshit is behind me. You all have no idea what I am talking about, I know. Sorry.

July 30...Today I revamped my archives page, so please go take a look when you get a chance and admire my work. It's not that pretty,actually, but it's a lot better than before.

My wedding is less than a month away. Freak out mode is starting to set in. I have a dream literally every night that something will go wrong. I know I shouldn't obsess, that everything will turn out peachy keen, but I just wouldn't be me if I didn't obsess.

What a boring weekend I have had. Every single one of my friends were out of town, including Michael. Not that I have very many friends living here, anyway, but it's the principle. I am all for alone time, in fact, I get a little edgy and mean when I don't have it, but I'm starting to turn into crazy talking to the cat lady.

July 28...What the hell is going on, people? It seems that everyone has taken a summer hiatus, no one's updating anymore. Including me. Of course, I have tons of valid reasons. Like, who wants to hear about my day dealing with annoying fuckheads that like to call themselves customers, or hear the exciting saga of The Night Lisa Drank Way Too Much (trust me, they're alike. Not that I drink way too much every night, but the nights I do drink too much are all alike. That's what I mean.)

Or who would like to hear about my fabulous shopping trip to the mall? Oy vey. Let me reiterate...I HATE THE MALL. I fucking detest it. But I have no choice. I want new clothes, I have to shop in the same place everyone and their mother does. Consequently, I usually end up wearing the same things over and over in order to avoid the hell that is shopping. But today I decided no more. The shoe thing had to end. I ended up finding a pair of shoes made by the same manufacturer, just a slightly different style. So I am still in my comfort zone, so to speak. Plus I found a comfortable dress that doesn't make me look like Jabba the Hut, and it was only $25. I love it. Happy shopping day. I even threw in some expensive make-up, because there is nothing that makes me feel as decadent as paying $15 for a lipstick. I'm money, baby.

I know this has been said before, and I am probably totally ripping off somebody, but who is the crackhead who designs petite clothing? I am short, I am not a 65 year old woman who wants to wear pleated pants. I can't shop in the juniors section anymore because I no longer have the body of a teenager. I can't shop in the normal section because the pants and dresses are always too long. There just isn't a clothing section for short twenty-something women. Instead, I can choose between a lovely pair of pants with an elastic waistband, or a denim skirt that comes down to my knees. I'm short, not fashion-retarded.

I bought a yoga tape. If you want to hate me and never read my page again, I'll totally understand. But don't worry, I won't get all Madonna on you and start up with the kaballah and eastern philosophy and all that bullshit. I just thought, face it, you are lazy. An exercise regimine that consists of staying still? Where do I sign up? Except I soon found out that yoga ain't as easy as it looks. It's quite challenging on my sedentary body. Not to mention that it challenges my lack of grace. But I am sore (in a good way) from yesterday's session, and the prospect of doing it again is somewhat appealing. Thumbs up all the way around.

July 23...I feel like I should preface today's entry by saying that I don't really feel like updating today, but I'm feeling sort of guilty for the lack of updates, which means, in a nutshell, that it will probably suck. Just a heads up, that's all.

So summer is definetly here, as evidenced by my urge to vomit and pass out whenever I step outside. The heat is, for lack of a better word, brutal. It's awful. It's nauseating. It makes you want to hole up in your house with the A/C cranked to 65 and not come out again until at least November. I would have thought that my body would have adjusted to this heat by now...it's been the same for at least 18 of my 25 years, but alas, it has not. The price I pay for being a fair-skinned girl in a place whose temperature closely resembles hell.

Work has been really irritating lately. I've began to realize how petty and vicious salespeople can be. It's sort of gross to see what lows they will stoop to in order to make a buck.

I watched "Girl, Interrupted" today. Boring. Why Angelina Jolie wins so many awards is beyond me, it seems she's played the exact same character in every movie she's been in. The verdict is out until she plays a normal role. One that doesn't involve kicking, screaming, or psychotic behaviour.

I got a new mattress on Friday. It's been quite difficult for people to get me out of bed or shut up about it. It is, for lack of a better word, the bomb. I feel like I'm living the good life with my ultra-plush super-high super-deluxe bed.

July 17...Tonight I braved the mall in a quest to find a new pair of shoes. I am not your typical shoe-crazy girl, rather, I find a pair of shoes and I stick with them. I bought a pair of sandals last July that Michael estimates I've worn about 358 days since then. I love these shoes like you don't know. Due to so much wear and tear, they are now tattered and pretty gnarly looking. I think my feet even stink in them, but I love them with a love I never thought possible for a pair of shoes. But even I realized that it was time to let the shoes go. Let them go to shoe heaven.

So tonight we went to the mall. Despite a plethora of shoes, I could not find that perfect pair. I think what I was really doing was trying to find these exact shoes but in a new incarnation. And I couldn't. Quite frankly I don't understand why. They are perfect. I'll take a picture later and show them to you, but you must try to imagine them in the days when they hadn't yet taken a beating.

I must admit, I'm secretly relieved I don't have to give them up yet.

And then Michael spent $450 on old HP calculator shit. If you didn't know, I'm marrying a big nerd. The gig is up. He's got an unhealthy obsession with old calculators. Although he has made a pretty penny on eBay thus far, it's still hard for me to accept spending that much money on that crap. Sigh.

And then the girl behind the counter had the nerve to blatantly FLIRT WITH HIM right in front of me. Plus she was like 17. It was quite funny in retrospect, the way she said "I don't even know how to use a calculator!" She was in awe.

Ok, I have to go, we have eBay auctions to list. Bye.

July 16...Has it really been 4 days since I last updated? What did I tell you? Anyway, I have been somewhat brain dead these past few days. For example, I saw "The Patriot" today. Sigh. Boring. Could it be any more predicatble? Next.

And that pretty much sums up my feelings on current events. Today I noticed the Fox News channel was replaying what seemed to be their entire broadcast from the day last year when JKK Jr's plane was reported missing. The entire fucking thing. You know how when a news story is just breaking and there isn't much to report so they just keep repeating things over and over? This is exactly what was going on. Are there people out there who sat glued to the screen watching this tripe? Is there so little going on in the world that we have to continue mourning a person who never did anything noteworthy other than have the luck to be the son of an assassinated president? Why is this so tragic? He was an idiot who shouldn't have flown his plane that night but had an exaggerated sense of entitlement, a person who probably never once considered that it wouldn't be "pussing out" to just wait until the next day to fly. Whatever.

Do you see what new lows I have stooped to, I am talking about an event that happened last year. Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode. Later.

July 12...Seriously, this updating every day is getting totally out of control. You all are going to be some seriously spoiled motherfuckers. You'll be like my cat when my sister had her for a couple of months and fed her the same stuff she made for herself for dinner and then I got her back and she acted like I was trying to poison her with the Purina Cat Chow. So please, really, for your own sake, don't get too attached to me. The separation will be too painful.

So I was asked in my guestbook to state my reasons behind believing Emeril to be a tool. Let me testify. First, the man is a chef, not a rock star. He's got an ego that is way out of control and it is extremely unappealing. The food he makes on his show looks wonderful, don't get me wrong, but does the world really need another catchphrase? "Bam!" It's like the studio audience would demand their money back and start hurling tomatoes if he didn't say it at least three times a show. And his blatant self-promoting...it just rubs me the wrong way. I like my chefs to be humble, like the Iron Chefs. That's just me.

Keeping on the food tangent, I ate steak tonight. Mmmm...steak....

July 11...I'm on a roll with this daily updating...the title "Daily Dirt" is actually starting to make a little sense. So I didn't really complete the list of whack shit I did as a kid because some of it falls into the category of OCD behaviour and even now is just a little too bizarre to present to the world at large, but there you go. I actually had an elementary classmate tell me years later that all the boys had crushes on me back then because they thought I was cooler than the other girls, but that could have been a really lame attempt to hit on me. Anyway, it all makes for good stories now.

I know I bash Britney Spears way too much, and that it's really not even a clever subject because pointing out the obvious isn't really funny, but have you seen this video for the "oops I did it again" song with the bizarre interlude with her talking to some guy in an astronaut suit? Are they referring to "Titanic"? Because that's just weird. Does James Cameron get royalties every time that video is aired? You know the part I'm talking about, she says something like "But I thought the old lady threw it in the water"....what? I know she appeals to teenagers but I just don't understand that reference. And I don't think the answer is that a Britney Spears video is beyond my mental capicity, so I have to go with inanity on that one, Chuck.

Emeril Lagasse is a tool. Case closed.

Short and sweet today my dears. I'm going to attempt to jazz up this here website. Peace out.

July 10...

If you knew what a weird kid I was, you would probably wonder what bionic change occurred between now and then to transform me into the paragon of coolness that I am today. Don't ask me, because I sure as hell don't know. But there are things I used to do as a youngin' that baffle me now, and I'm calling on my readers to help me interprate what can only be described as truly disfunctional behaviour.

First of all, I was an ugly child. Until I was 11, I had no concept of femininity or fashion. I wore extremely thick glasses and was at the mercy of my mother's hairdresser who thought wings looked fantastic on elementary school children. Alas, Farrah Fawcett I was not. I wore my dad's clothes because I though they were cooler than mine, and although I was light years ahead of the Seattle grunge flannel look in 1985, wearing extra large plaid shirts did not sit well with the other girls wearing jellies and cute outfits. Have I set the stage yet for the social misfit I once was? I have photographic evidence, but let's just leave it at that.

Let's run down the list of whack shit I used to do when I was little.

1. In the fourth grade, I organized all my books by the Dewey decimal system and tried to set up a library and get the kids from my neighborhood to check them out. Needless to say, this plan was a complete failure. Although I was slightly dissappointed that no one wanted to play my game, the fun was in organizing the books, so it was okay.

2. We lived on a circle, and I would ride my Big Wheel around the circle, taking people's mail from their mailboxes and then re-delivering it. I used to have a strange fascination with mail, and even now the rush I get when I get a package in the mail is a little disturbing. This fun game eventually came to an end when some old lady saw me and called my mom. Bitch.

3. I used to be obsessed with the free video games at Chuck E. Cheese. If you are not familiar with the free video games, let me explain them for you. First of all, they were FREE. What amusement center offers a free game unless it's totally lame? Second of all, it was so completely boring. My favorite was Noah's Ark, which involved collecting animals in pairs and putting them on the ark before the rising water swallowed them all. Except there was no way you could lose. It was like a lame self-esteem game for dorks. Plus it was about three feet shorter than the regular games which totally identified you as an even bigger loser. But I loved it, what can I say.

4. I loved forms. I still remember Lee Egbert's birthday party in the 1st grade when as part of the party favors we got WAITRESS PADS. Like real waitresses use. Oh my god, if you want to see a group of six year olds go ape shit, give them a blank form to fill out. Or maybe that was just me. The next best thing was when my older cousins let me play a hybrid game called Dukes of Hazzard Bank. It involved blank checks from a cancelled checking account of my mother's, and me playing the role of Boss Hog sitting in a closet as they slid deposit slips and checks under the door. Very odd, but highly entertaining at the time.

That's about all the confessions I feel comfortable making for one night. Suffice it to say, I was a weird ass kid.

July 9...So have you seen this commercial for the raspberry zinfandel wine? First of all, anyone who drinks zinfandel is a pussy. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Good wine is not sickly sweet. Second, it's raspberry zinfandel, which although I have never tasted it, makes it sound like a wine cooler, which is the pussiest drink in the world. Ok, the product is enough to make me wretch and puke, but the commercial is even worse. If you haven't seen it, let me describe it for you. A group of guys and girls (excuse me, men and women), probably in their late 20's or early 30's, have found time to get away from their hectic schedules to go to a lake or something, and they're trying this new raspberry zinfandel and oh my god it's just soooo good. Then, one of the girl's mobile rings. What does she do in what can only be construed as a fit of impetuosity? Why she flings the offending thing in the lake! And her friends cheer her on as she covers her mouth with her hands in a "Oh my god, what did I just do?" motion. That wine just makes people zany! The group is totally out of control now, and they look at their friend who is typing dillegently away on his laptop and give him a look like "Come on, throw your laptop in the lake, don't puss out." Because who needs technology or cares about the $2500 they spent on a laptop when the raspberry zinfandel is flowing? At first he puts up a pretty strong front...there's no way he's throwing his laptop in the lake. He even makes the universal signal for backoff, the two thumbs connected with the index finger pointing at a ninety degree angle and says "I don't think so!". Very Chandler-esque. But in the end, he is powerless against the spell that this raspberry zinfandel has cast upon the entire group, and we hear "You've got mail!" bubbling from the laptop at the bottom of the lake. What a wacky, crazy bunch.

I am very against this product, and I urge all of my readers to please ban the raspberry zinfandel. My blood pressure cannot withstand many more viewings of this advertisement.

July 5...Is this heading for July totally gay or what? I was feeling kind of ironic, and decided to go for a script-y kind of tackiness that screams "I'm back!" For those of you who were wondering what had happened to my daily dirt page...well, it just was a victim of my laziness and procrastination. Because sometimes I get really excited about working on this thing, and then other times it's just a pain in the caboose.

So, I'm going back on my guestbook ban and bringing back the damn thing. I miss it, I must admit. I miss inane postings, I miss blatant self-promotion, and I'm sick of getting like three emails a week. At least with the guestbook I could be assured of some comment or another on a daily basis. So look for that soon, I know you're waiting with baited breath.

Michael's having his gallbladder removed tomorrow. Ick. Surgery on the whole does not scare me, but I don't think I would relish the idea of having one of my organs taken out. So the gallbladder serves no real function, yes, I am fully aware of that, but it's just not right to have holes placed in ones body. Not right at all. And then I'm on this massive guilt trip because I am desperately needed at work tomorrow and can't be at the hospital with him. What's ridiculous is it's not him that's giving me the guilt trip, it's my mother. My mother. A) Why the hell should she care? B) What the fuck? C) More along those lines. I think you get my point. Now that I'm getting married my mother is on this trip like "He's your priority now, not your job." but unfortunately the real world does not work like that. Oy vey, my mother can be a pain. Mom, if you're reading this, you know I love you. (Does my mom read this? I can't remember. Oh well, this will get her back for the talking trash incident. See last month's Daily Dirt if you missed that doozy.)

We got our first wedding gift today. It was tres exciting. A serving bowl. Call me a freak for getting so worked up over a wedding, but it's still hard for me to believe that I got a wedding gift. I can logically process my upcoming nuptials, and I am confident in my decision, but domestic appliances puts me in this otherworldly category, it's just too much. I am going to be a Mrs. before long. Whoa.

You know what term I really hate? "Burning a CD". I hate it when people say they "burned a CD". Yes, I know this is the term or whatever, but it sounds so lame. So stupid. Don't ask.

Ok, I've got a confession. Eminem? Remember when I said I hated him? I like the "I'm Slim Shady yes I'm the real shady" song. So maybe I'm like a year late, but things sometimes take time to grow on me. Except I like to sing it as "I'm Slim Lisa yes I'm the real Lisa all you other slim lisas something something, please stand up, etc." As you can tell I don't know all the words yet, but I'm learnding. (did anyone just catch that Simpsons reference?)

That's about all for now. Later gators. Expect the guestbook up by the end of the night and I better have some motherfucking entries, you bastards. Love you all.

July 2...I really must do something about this whole layout I've got going on. I'm not happy with my webpage lately, and much of that is due to not having enough time to spend on it. It's just lacking a sort of oomph, I can't put my finger on it.<p>
Today was a happy happy day. I got a new sofa and chair. I also got a loveseat, but our poor little apartment is too small for it so it had to go back to the store from whence it came. It's beeyooteeful. I'm in love. It's probably really wrong to love an inanimate object so, but there you go. Let me describe. The sofa is in a taupe-y neutral sort of shade and has very light yellow throw pillows with little crickets and some other kind of bug on there and Japanese writing. And then the chair is in the same fabric as the throw pillows. Ok, it looks much better than it sounds. Please trust me on this.<p>
I love my cat. I just had to say that.<p>
What else is going on in my little world? Not much that would excite you, dear reader. I have to work on the 4th of July. The fucking 4th of July. How unpatriotic is that? Not that I actually care what holiday it is, I just care that I don't get the day off. Although I really don't think I could live a life of leisure and be happy with myself, I am starting to realize that when it comes down to it, I'm pretty lazy. I like sleeping, I like reading, and sadly, there just isn't a want ad out there asking for these talents. I am really good at lying on the sofa and reading. I really am. Just try me out, you'll be amazed.<p>