June 25...You know, despite the super handy-dandy make-the-pop-ups-go-away code I had inserted on this page, they're still popping up. Angelfire must have caught on and done something to fix it. Well, fuck you angelfire. I'm sick of you and your shitty service. I've had pages mysteriously disappear, my page unavailable for hours at a time, not to mention your whole new layout sucks. I'll get rid of you someday, oh yes I will. But for now I just have to shut my yap because no one has ever offered me hosting space...(coughcoughsomeoneanyone)...
Let me preface today's little ditty by saying if you've ever put your foot in your mouth, if you've ever embarrassed yourself so bad you wish the ground would open up beneath you and swallow you to the depths of hell, you will be so relieved you were not me this last Saturday. Get ready for a story that will make you say "How could you be so fucking stupid?" It's a doozy!
I was in Houston this weekend visiting my mother and best friend. To make a long story short and set the background, we had to give my cousin's new wife a ride someplace. I had never met her before, but had heard some really unkind things from my mother about her. We picked her up at her apartment and took her to a restaurant where she was meeting her husband. In the thirty minutes or so that we spent with her, I thought she was really nice and couldn't understand what my mom didn't like.
We get to the restaurant, she opens the door of the car (she was sitting in the backseat, I was sitting in the front), and then says, "I know you all haven't had lunch yet, why don't you come in and eat?" We all agree, and I hear the car door shut. I assume she had gotten out of the car. As you all know, to assume is to make an ass out of you and me. I immediately open my big mouth without turning around to see if she's there, and say "I think she's nice!" To which my mother says "Who?" And I say, "Jane" (not her real name). To which my mother says, "Why do you say that?" (Keep in mind everyone but me knows she's still in the car.) To which I say, "Because you said you didn't like her."
OH MY FUCKING GOD. There's silence for like ten seconds. Jaws are dropping. Everyone's in stunned silence. Then I hear from Jane "I'm still in the car."
You can imagine the mortification I felt. It was undoubtedly the single worst moment of my life. We park the car, no one is saying a word, she gets out and runs inside, we go in and sit down. I find her in the bathroom crying her eyes out. I have never felt worse in my life. I tried to explain but what can you say? She wasn't mad at me, she was mad at my mother, but that didn't take away from the awfulness I felt. She got a ride home and we were left to try to figure out how to fix what had happened.
Which made me think about a lot of things. Like, how I had complimented her, behind her back (or so I thought), which later on had the effect of making her, I think, trust me and even ask me to call her next time I was in town. And how I had exposed my mother for talking behind her back, which has created a rift in their relationship that I don't know will ever be fixed. But, on the other hand, my mom WAS talking shit. And when you do that, you run the risk of it getting out. I just can't believe it happened. It may sound minor now but at the time, I felt like dying.
June 22...quote of the decade..."Did you ever notice buttholes look like stars?"--Mario, Ramsey's boyfriend
This update will be short and sweet because Michael just informed me that "This Is Spinal Tap" just started on VH-1 and that's my favorite movie ever (or at least my favorite movie that I can think of right now.) "In the time of the druids"...pure comedy.
What a day, what a day. Well, actually nothing of importance happened, except that I had a nice happy hour with my dad. There is nothing like having a dad cool enough that you can go to happy hour with him and you both have a grand old time. What's even better is when he pays. Then, what's even cooler is getting him liquored up enough that he agrees to buy you the sofa and loveseat that you've had your little heart set on at work. Then the next day when you remind him he will feel obligated and buy it for you regardless of whatever feelings of regret he has.
My dad has met a new woman. She's probably going to become his girlfriend. This is weird for me, because my dad and I have become pretty good friends ever since I moved back home a year ago and I don't know how I feel about having his time occupied by someone else. Does this sound totally selfish and immature? Well, if it does, nyah nyah nyah.
That's about all I have to say today. Nigel is calling from the other room...
June 21...Tonight I went to a baby shower. It's only about the third baby shower I've ever been to. The first was when I was 16 and my friend who was 17 got knocked up...that was a racous occasion, let me tell you...picture a bunch of teenage girls sitting around just waiting for the girl to open presents so we can leave because we're surrounded by the elder generation who keep clucking about the evils of pre-marital sex. The second time was a slightly more joyous event, because although this baby was a pre-marital accident, the family was slightly more progressive and no talk of burning in hell was made.
Tonight it was for one of my co-workers, the co-worker that I happen to like, so I felt obligated to go. Oh my god, big mistake. It was the weirdest thing I've ever been to. They kept making us play games like scooping cotton balls out of a bowl above our head onto a plate (if you are puzzled by that, imagine how I STILL feel). And then they handed out party favors...you'll never guess the gem I got...
I should just interject right now by saying gifts and co-workers don't mix. If you remember back in December, I had the Secret Santa debacle occur. Tonight, it was even better. My gift was a porcelain statuette of two hands clasped with the Lord's prayer written on them.
You should have seen the fucking look on my face. I started laughing like, is this a joke? But it wasn't. So, I think I offended someone, but I tried to cover it up by saying "No, it's just that it's funny that I'm not religous and I never go to church and look at the gift I got" and they were like "Well, that's why you need it" and I got brave and said "Really, I don't want it, but thanks." So now I probably offended everyone in my office, but don't you think that's weird that they're passing that shit out at a baby shower?
June 17...So it's Saturday night, and I am having serious doubts about whether or not it's cool to proclaim I'm updating at 11:42 p.m. CST...I mean, I feel like I need to offer a disclaimer and tell all of you that really, I do have a life, but it's just that Michael went to play pool with friends and I was just in one of those moods where staying home sounded really appealing but now I'm bored so here I am on the internet...but then that makes me sound even more lame, doesn't it? So let's back up and start from the beginning...
Having satellite has it's ups and downs. For one, I've become totally jaded when it comes to soft-core porn. There was a time when it was actually somewhat stimulating, now, if I have to watch one more episode of "Passion Cove"...I just can't do it. So what's a girl to do at home alone on Saturday night besides drink copious amounts of beer? You know, I feel like I'm doing the equivalent of going to a party and feeling really cool and social and having everyone laugh at your jokes but it's not until the next day that you realize they were laughing at you not with you.
God, I had so much to say when I logged on and it's all just flown out of my poor little head. Let's go through the news headlines, shall we?
"Prince William Pleads For Privacy"...well, tough shit. You're the fucking heir to the english throne, a country that thrives on tabloids and gossip, and since they don't have Planet Hollywood you're the next best thing. We all know you're mother died, and I'm sure that sucked and everything, but don't give me this bullshit that your life is so hard. I'm sure it's unbearable being 18, sexy, with every girl in the free world throwing her proverbial panties at you. Oh, and you're filthy rich. Suck it up, limey.
"Madonna Ends London House Hunt"...and I'm supposed to care because? Why is this woman still getting media exposure? Madonna still holds this power over me, where I will read every media tidbit about her, but why? She's a hag, she represents all that is bad and wrong about pop culture. Maybe that's why I love her so. And don't you agree that she should have stopped at one baby? Two kids just ruins the mystique.
"Teenage Singer Billie Collapses in London Bar"...who? what? Who is this Billie person and why should I give a shit? So she drank too much and passed out, who hasn't? WHY IS THIS NEWS?
Ok, one last thing...I need someone's help here...I am trying to get out of a gym membership right now. The only way to cancel this fucking contract from hell is documentation that I'm moving out of the area. Is there anyone out there who would be willing to send me a faux job offer, on company letterhead (hell, you could make it up, we're not dealing with brain surgeons), preferably from some location other than Texas? If you can help me in anyway, please email me. I am desperate to escape the hell that is the gym.
June 11...I've been asked recently "Why haven't you updated your page?" The answer? I don't know. Maybe because I don't have a boring job anymore where being online for 5 or more hours constitutes my day. Maybe it's because I have already said all the semi-witty things I have to say. Or maybe it's because I have no sense of obligation now that I don't have a webcounter anymore. I've said it before and I'll say it again...everyone out there with a webpage will probably agree with me...there is nothing to kick you in the proverbial ass like seeing your hits going downhill.
So anyway, I've been sick all weekend. Of course, not full blown sick, just partial sick. Like from the neck up, I'm sick as a dog. I can't breathe for all the snot clogging my head, my throat hurts, the works. The rest of me? Better than ever. So of course the guilt department of my brain (which is totally oversized) won't let me stay home from work even though every inch of my being is pleading for a day in bed. And this weekend has been a total waste as far as my social life goes. Not a beer to be had, because my beer drinking goes a little something like this....
I don't ever smoke, unless I drink. People like myself used to bug the hell out of me. Why? Who knows. I used to be a frequent smoker, but now it makes my stomach hurt for some reason. And it's not until I drink a cold, frosty beer that the urge for nicotine sets in. It never fails. And now that I'm not a regular smoker, I can smoke only two or three cigarettes and wake up the next morning with my lungs throbbing in pain. To a normal person, this would probably indicate they shouldn't smoke EVER, but there you go.
I have a question for Lisa. Is it winter right now in Australia? It is, right? Too weird.
Let's do some music reviews now, shall we?
The Clash - Singles...In a word, the Clash RAWK. I bought this CD mainly because my entire CD collection suffered a tragic fate a couple of years ago...it fell into the hands of my sister who has a propensity to either scratch every CD she gets her hands on or lose it. So I figured this would be a good compromise. This is good for those who are into the basics, like "Rock the Casbah" and "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", as well as those who are into the "London Calling" and "Total Control" sound. Very good.
DJ Rap...First of all, I should have known this CD was going to suck when I saw this chick in Calvin Klein ads. I thought I had heard her before, but it must have been someone else, because I certainly would never knowingly contribute a cent towards over-manufactured euro-trash dance rubbish. It is so awful, I am now using this CD as a coaster. I think it may just become my first eBay auction.
June 6...So the May page is lost. Angelfire is such a piece of shit. That's what I get I suppose for trying to be all perfunctory with my updates. It's in someone's cache at work, it's just that it's such a hassle to deal with it. And then I sit here and act like one of the Guttenberg bibles has been destroyed or something. "My page! It's gone! Fucking piece of shit! etc.".
So, I've been dying to write about this ever since I saw it yesterday...did you know they sell used underwear on eBay? It's true! I have found my calling...why the hell have I been busting my ass, working eight+ hours a day when all I have to do is waltz down to the local Wal-Mart, buy a six-pack of Jockeys for Her, wear em for a day or so and then hock them for $40 a piece? I could even just wear them for a few minutes, if I wore ten pairs a day, I could make $400 a day. It's something to at least consider...
Michael and I have decided we are honeymooning in New York. It's true. Now for all of you who may be thinking "Why the hell are you going to New York, which is quite possibly the most un-romantic spot on the face of this Earth?", I offer a brief rebuttal. In one word, we're broke. Ok, so that's two. Basically, we have four days to spend somewhere, two free tickets to anywhere in the continental U.S., and a possible contact at The Plaza. Which I could seriously handle staying at for four days.
This was a present I got today from M. Notice the dust on the shelf. I am a bad hausfrau.
June 4...Another month begins…
