AJ: I’d have You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate. I just like that song, it’d be cool for my kingdom. They could play it at fancy state occasions.
Who would you banish to the dark and dingy dungeons?
AJ: Well... any of my ex-girlfriends, they’d have to be banished. And any friends from high school who treated me like crap, they could go too; I hold grudges.
Oh dear. Anyone famous?
AJ: Ah sure - like the obvious people who are responsible for what’s happened in Kosovo. I’d kick that homeboy Milosevic and banish him for life.
What would you go to war over?
AJ: Polyester pants. Nobody should be allowed to wear polyester, ever. One of our security guards, Tom, wears a whole mess of polyester and it’s - uh! - not nice. If you’re seen wearing it we’ll take it as an act of aggression and we’ll go to war... (Thinks.) But I might let Tom off cos he’s bigger than me and has friends in the military.
Who would be your court jester?
AJ: Brian. He’s chilled out a bit recently but he still has crazy moments on stage. We’ve been getting a lot of blow-up aliens thrown on stage and he’ll dance with ‘em or hit me and Nick on the head with ‘em to the beat of the music. He likes to kiss ‘em too.
Describe your kingdom’s flag...
AJ: My flag would have Cartman from South Park on it. And there would be a speech bubble coming from Cartman’s mouth saying, ‘Respect my country’s authority, dude!’
Would you like to host the Olympics?
AJ: Nah, but we’d have Mowing The Lawn championships. If someone does it better than their next-door neighbour then they win. It’s kinda like the World’s Strongest Man championship, only it’ll make the country neater at the same time. Plus we’d have the cricket World Cup, cos I think it’s the most ridiculous, difficult-to-understand sport in the world. (Pause.) You’ll have to teach me, it looks like fun.
What would you put on your stamps?
AJ: A picture of my mom in profile, just like the Queen. It would be a good way to show her I love her and she also gets to travel on every letter which goes across the world.
Would you want to outlaw any kind of music?
AJ: I wouldn’t change it. You need different sorts for different moods. Maybe thrash metal could go though. I can’t imagine the mood I’d need to be in for that! I can’t get harder than Marilyn Manson. Megadeth is out. Sacrificing goats on stage is not my style.
What probing questions will your customs officers ask foreign visitors?
AJ: ‘Do you like McDonald’s?’, ‘Do you promise to go to the gym during your stay?’ and ‘Are you up for clubbing in the evenings?’ Those are the kind of people we want in my country.
And how would you spend your royal afternoons?
AJ: Playing golf. We played when we were in the UK at a place called Woburn Abbey. Our new tour manager Skip is the best golfer out of us all and after Skip it’s Brian, then me, then Kevin. Kevin’s the worst cos he gets so easily frustrated. If I was king they’d have to let me win, heh heh!
You get to have a state-owned TV station! What shows would be on?
AJ: It would have Jerry Springer on twenty-four seven. With a little bit of South Park and a little bit of Seinfeld. Top Of The Pops and a bit of MTV and smidgen of VH1. But mostly, Jerry Springer. He’s the man. I’ve seen every single episode. I’ve got tickets to go to one of his shows on his US tour and I can’t wait to see the girls on stage fighting and screaming and pulling each others’ hair!
Which sport would you be world champion at?
AJ: Singing. We could be champions at that.
Erm, singing isn’t really a sport though, is it?
AJ: Well now. Didn’t we just say I was in charge? Hush up now - or you’re in the dungeon!
