Swingers...damn, what a good movie. It completely changed so many lives, turned so many of the guys who talked about puppy dogs and ice creams to pure money rounders. And as if the movie itself weren't enough, Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn, bless their little hearts, also gave us "The Swingers Rules," published along with the screenplay by Hyperion Publishing.
TRENT She smiled, baby.
MIKE
I can't believe what an asshole you are.
TRENT Did she or did she not smile?
MIKE She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
TRENT She was smiling at how money I am, what I did with her.
The bottom line is make genuine contact at all costs. If you connect on a genuine level, you have the ball. Shake it up and have fun. Everyone is bored and sick of the bullshit. An honest moment of connection is refreshing.
Rule Two: Team play.
TRENT
Baby, this is what we came here for. We met a beautiful baby and she likes you.
MIKE
She likes you.
TRENT
Whatever. We'll see. Daddy's gonna get her to bring a friend. I don't care if I end up with her of one of her beautiful baby friends.
There's plenty to go around. If you hog the ball, the team loses. Your friends are not your adversaries. Work together and everyone wins. Petty competition makes everyone look bad. Worst of all, you look desperate or bitter. everyone likes fun. Keep it fun. It's fun to share.
Rule Three: Less is more.
TRENT
I just stare at their mouth and crinkle my brow and somehow I turn out to be the big cutie.
People like to fill in the blanks. People also want things to be perfect. Keep your mouth shut and they'll fill in the blanks perfectly. Don't try to guess what they're looking for. It's not about what you say, it's how you listen.
Rule Four: Women aren't dumb.
MIKE
That was so fuckin' money. It was like that "Jedi mind" shit.
TRENT
That's what I'm telling you, baby. The babies love that stuff. They don't want all that sensitive shit. You start talking to them about puppy dogs and ice cream. They know what you want. What do you think? You think they don't know?
MIKE
I know. I know.
TRENT
They know what you want, believe me. Pretending is just a waste of time. You're gonna take them there eventually any- way. Don't apologize for it.
Women are smart. Take this into consideration. They're good at reading the vibe and are in tune with what's really going down. They know what's happening. Don't manipulate, deny, and condescend. It's insulting.
Rule Five: Be honest.
MIKE
I'm just trying to be a gentlemen, Trent, show some respect.
TRENT
Respect, my ass. What they respect is honesty. You see how they dress when they go out? They want to be noticed. You're just showing them that it's working. You gotta get off this respect kick, baby. There ain't nothing wrong with letting them know that you want to party.
Women like attention. It's flattering as long as you're respectful and honest. Formalities are not nearly as important as repecting their intelligence. Be honest with yourself and with them. If you want intimacy, then own up to it. Don't come at them like you're interested in their nail polish if what you really want is intimacy. It's insulting. You're a man, she's a woman. Deal with it. The more you pretend that it's not about sexual attraction, the harder it will be to redefine the parameters. Honesty works like magic if you're free from guilt. The truth shall set you free.
CHRISTY
What do you guys do?
MIKE
I'm a comedian.
LISA
Do you ever perform out here? I'd love to see you.
MIKE
No...
LISa
You should. A lot of comics play Vegas.
MIKE
Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy...
LISA
Why not?
MIKE
There are different circuits...it's hard to explain...you wouldn't understand...
LISA
Who's your booking agent?
MIKE
(flustered) Oh? You know about booking agents. I don't, uh, actually have a West Coast agent as of yet...
LISA
Well, who represents you Back East?
MIKE
It's funny you...I'm actually, uh, between...
LISA
What do you do, Trent?
TRENT
I'm a producer.
BOTH GIRLS
Wow...Oooh...Ahhh...
Lying is bad. Forget the ethical issue, it's bad business. It demonstrates a lack of self-confidence. Even if you get away with it, you're going down the wrong road. But if a friend gets in trouble, sometimes a simple lie can be a perfect parachute.
Rule Seven: Setting the tone.
MIKE
She didn't like me anyway.
TRENT
She thought you were money.
MIKE
I don't think so.
TRENT
I heard them talking. They both thought you were money.
MIKE
Yeah, a good friend. (Trent turns off the car and turns to face Mike)
TRENT
Baby, you take yourself out of the game. You start talking to them about puppy dogs and ice cream, of course it's gonna be on the friend tip.
You're a man, so present yourself as one. Confidence and being comfortable with one's self is very attractive. So if you're attracted to a beautiful baby, be both confident and comfortable with that. Don't apologize or qualify how you're feeling. She'll respect you for it.
Rule Eight: Timing is everything. MIKE
What time's this party tonight?
TRENT
It starts at eight...
SUE
...which means no one will get there till ten.
MIKE
So, what? Eleven?
TRENT AND SUE
Midnight.
There's nothing like a good entrance. You wouldn't want to sit at a table that wasn't set. If you're there too early, you look desperate. Show up late like you're "just stopping by," and you come off like the man about town.
Rule Nine: Deer in the headlights.
TRENT
What are you doing?
MIKE
What?
TRENT
You looked right at her, baby.
MIKE
She didn't notice.
SUE
Yes she did.
TRENT
Damn. Now I gotta go in early.
MIKE
I'm sorry.
TRENT
Don't sweat it baby. This one's a layup.
Everyone wants a mystery. Staring deadpan at a beautiful baby cheats her out of the suspense and courtship she deserves. Keep it intriguing and give her the gift of a challenge.
Rule Ten: The law of the jungle.
TRENT
You're like this big bear with claws and fangs...
SUE
...and big fuckin' teeth...
TRENT
...and teeth...and she's like this little bunny cowering in the corner...
SUE
...shivering...
TRENT
...And you're just looking at your claws like "How do I kill this bunny?"
SUE
...You're just poking at it...
TRENT
...Yeah, you're just gently batting it around...and the rabbit's all scared...
SUE
...and you got big claws and fangs...
TRENT
...and fangs...and you're like "I don't know what to do. How do I kill this bunny?..."
SUE
...you're like a big bear.
The strongest will survives. Don't waste your time filling your head with
self-doubt. The competition's fierce, so always give yourself the edge. A
sense of self-respect makes all the difference in the world. You can be the
king of the Jungle or just another hyena cowering at the water hole. It's all
up to you.
Rule Eleven: Be a bad man.
TRENT
(pullng him aside, dead serious) Now when you talk with her, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie that everybody really hopes makes it happen. I want you to be the guy in the rated-R movie who you're not sure if you like yet.
Don't hide the fact that you like sex. That doesn't mean act like the fourteen year old on the back of the bus who's constantly pulling on himself and making obscene noises. It just means own your sexuality and don't apologize for it.
Rule Twelve: The Waiting Game.
CHARLES
Eight-one-eight.
MIKE
Three-one-oh. Everyone reacts favorably to this area code.
MIKE
How long do I wait to call?
TRENT
A day.
MIKE
Tomorrow?
TRENT
No...
SUE
...Tomorrow, then a day.
TRENT
...Yeah.
MIKE
So, two days?
TRENT
Yeah, I guess you could call it that.
SUE
Definitely. Two days. That's the industry standard.
TRENT
(to Sue, shop talk) ...I used to wait two days. Now everyone waits two days. Three days is kinda the money now, don't you think?
SUE
...Yeah. But two's enough not to look anxious...
TRENT
Yeah, but three days is kinda the money...
MIKE
(interrupting sarcastically) Why don't I just wait three weeks and tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and found her number...
CHARLES
...then ask where you met her...
MIKE
Yeah, I'll tell her I don't remember and the I'll ask what she looks like.(pause) Then I'll ask if we fucked. How's that, Tee? Is that "the money'? The guys laugh.
TRENT
Laugh all you want, but if you call too soon you can scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
SUE
Don't listen to him. You call whenever it feels right. to you.
MIKE
How long you guys gonna wait to call your honeys?
TRENT AND SUE
Six days.
Be a man with a slow hand. The ladies love foreplay, and that's exactly why you wait a few days before you call. No reason to rush it. Let her savor the wait. She'll thank you later.
Rule Thirteen: Grace under pressure.
NIKKI (recorded) Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message. (beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike. I met you tonight at the Dresden. I, uh, just called to say I, uh, had a really great time and you should call me tomorrow, or, like, in two days, whatever. My number is 213-555-4679... (beep) Many, many calls later...
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. Mike. I don't think this is working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should take some time off from each other. It's not you, really, it's me. It's only been six months...
NIKKI
(live, in person. She picks up the line.) Mike?
MIKE
Nikki! Great! Did you just walk in, or were you listening all along?
NIKKI
(calmly) Don't ever call me again.
MIKE
Wow, I guess you were home... (click)
Rule Fourteen: Skip the birdseed.
LORRAINE
Well...this is it.
MIKE
Listen. I had a great time.
LORRAINE
Me too.
MIKE
I would love to see you again sometime.
LORRAINE
I'll be around.
MIKE
That's not good enough. I want to make plans to see you.
LORRAINE
Let me get a pen out of my car. (opens the door) Do you have something to write on?
Sometimes it just happens. Let it. Don't let stupid rules from a book get in the way. If you're lucky enough to have things unfold organically, don't ruin it. You're money.
Rule Fifteen: Trust yourself.
SUE
Sorry, man.
TRENT
Yeah. You probably coulda hit that tonight if you didn't have to drive us home.
SUE
...Definitely...
MIKE
It's not like that...
TRENT
Don't give me that! She liked you, man!!!
MIKE
Easy, shh...I know she liked me. I mean, it's not like I wanted to do anything with her tonight.
SUE
Good for you, man. He's being smart.
MIKE
Guys...guys...I got it under control.
TRENT
Oh. He's got it under control...
SUE
...Well, I guess we don't have to worry about him anymore.
TRENT
(yelling to the waitress) Our little baby's all growsd up!!!
You're always better off trusting yourself and playing your game. You wouldn't ask Stockton to bang the boards for rebounds and you wouldn't want Shaq trying to drain threes. Stick with what feels right. That way, even if you fail, you've learned something. Trust your instincts and think for yourself.
