(VOY,P/T, PG-13)
Summary: Okay, I know this one is a little weird. It contains a snippet from every song on the 'Matchbox 20' CD. Tom and B'Elanna talk to someone (use your imagination) about each other, their fears and their hopes.
Spoiler Warning: None
Disclaimer: Not mine, Paramount's. They own it all. So please, don't sue. I'll return them when I'm through.
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~*Please don't change
Please don't break
"Sometimes it feels like she's the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing that's going right in my life is her and the way we feel. I know that might sound a little crazy, but it's how I feel. She's my rock. Even when her moods are unpredictable, I know -her-. I know who she really is.
"It doesn't matter what the real world deals me, because I know she'll always listen. She means the world to me. Sometimes it scares me.
"I've thought to myself several times that I'm way too dependant on her. If anything happened to her, god forbid, I wouldn't know what to do. Call me crazy, but I kinda like that feeling."
"I know I use him as my release valve. I also know that I shouldn't. There are just those days when I really need to scream at someone, and he's the only one who will really take it from me. It seems that the days go on forever, long day after long day.
"He's so wonderful to me, and I know I need to take it easy on him. I need to calm down and learn to use my anger to help me. What the hell am I talking about? It feels good to vent on him. He always listens to me.
"I remember so many times when he could have just started screaming back at me. Don't get me wrong, we've been in more than our fair share of fights. There are days, though, that he just knows have been pure hell. I've never had someone like him, someone that's always there for me, taking the crap I put him through. Maybe I will try to ease up a little."
~*When she says baby
The only thing that seems to work at all is you*~
~*I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me*~
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes*~
"I have faith in our relationship. I'm not saying I don't, because I do. But I do get scared. She tells me she feels it too, so I guess it's a good sign. Every once in awhile, I'll just get a sudden attack of fear and as soon as I tell her, I feel better.
"We've come so far from where we were three years ago. We tell each other everything, and that might be part of my problem. She knows me so well, she knows that relationships scare me; I've run from them my entire life.
"The reality of it all hits me all at once and it's all I can do to stop from screaming. Like I said before, I have nothing but faith in us. But sometimes you just can't help but ger scared."
~*I'm a little bit rusty
And I think my head is caving in*~
"It'd been so long since I'd been in a real relationship. At first I was completely unsure of how to act and react. Then I realized it was pretty rough on him, too. That helped me a lot, and it still does.
"There are still days when I have to remind myself that there's more than myself to worry about. Someone other than me that has to deal with the things I say. I have to think about the repercussions that my actions bring. He makes my business his, and I keep forgetting that.
"Sometimes I think that I can't take it anymore. Then I reach out next to me, and he's always there. I have no idea when I'll actually get used to that."
~*I put my hands around your shoulders
You're saying you're scared is all
I think I know too much about you*~
"She's always putting up a front. She's angry at the world, bitter and unloved. I swear that's how she wants people to see her. I've known her too long to believe that, though.
"If she's not angry at the world, she's afraid that she's done something wrong. There is actually a part of her mind that believes I could stop loving her. She thinks that if she does something horrible I won't be able to see past it. I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or insult.
"I think she just needs someone to help her get over her ridiculous fears. Someone to make her feel good about herself. I know her well enough to know that when she says she's scared, it means that she's feeling insecure. I'll help her get over that. I know she's more than just scared and angry."
~*Try to turn your head
Try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do*~
"He sees everything. I can't put anything past him. Sometimes it's great, but other times it's just smothering. He wants the best for me, but I'm not even sure what I want for me. I need a little space, but not so much that I need to be completely alone.
"That's the hard part to explain. I need time to think and make my own decisions, but I need him by my side while I do it. Everytime I try to tell him that, he just sits there and looks at me, completely confused. I can't say I blame him, it confuses the hell out of me too.
"I know that I want to be with him more than anything. I just want to decide the other minor details, like who I want to be with him, by myself. I need him to turn his head and ignore my problems for awhile. Just give me time. Why is that so hard to explain?"
~*Can't eat
Can't sleep
Could've been a bigger man*~
"The thing that hammers away at my mind is all the let downs. All the times I could have done something differently. All the times I could have been a bigger man and admitted my faults. That was all she really wanted was for me to step down from my self-assembled pedestal for just one second.
"I know I shouldn't worry myself to death over the past, but I do anyway. Some nights are worse than others and I feel like I just want to curl up under a rock somewhere and hide. But I know as soon as I come back out, my guilt will be right there waiting for me.
"I piss her off with all the small things. Spending too much time doing things I want to do instead of spending time with her. I can tell that sometimes she feels neglected, and I hate being the one to inflict that feeling on her. If only I had been a bigger man."
~*We get along so we shouldn't argue
And I don't know, said I don't know
All these feelings
Cloud up my reasoning*~
"We argue a lot. It's one of the main things besides sex that keeps our relationship alive. There have only been one or two blow-out fights, and they've been put behind us. We fight about the little things, his attitude, my attitude. We don't even really need a reason to fight.
"I feel so strongly for him. There are a million emotions dictating my actions and they just get jumbled up sometimes. I can't tell one from the other. We get along so well most of the time, and I know that arguing is a waste of time. So why do we continue to do it?
"One of the main things we argue about is the way he spends his time. It's stupid, but after awhile of being constantly neglected for some assanine reason, it gets annoying. And me and my big mouth can't let anything get by that pisses me off. Like I said: too many emotions."
~*I've seen a lot of good things die
And I'm in an overemotional way*~
"My whole life, I've been exposed to the ups and downs of love. I've seen the strongest relationships go down the toilet. I guess I try too hard to save what I have. I have a good thing, better than anything I've ever had. Sometimes it's just hard to believe that it's really mine.
"My parents struggled through their marriage with false smiles and hollow words. I know that they loved each other, and probably still do, but something just went wrong. What I have with her means so much to me, and I'll do anything to save us from the same fate my parents suffered.
"She thinks I make too much of it. She swears that nothing bad is going to happen to our relationship. I believe her, of course. I always believe what she says. But like I said, I've seen too many good relationships go wrong and I don't know how she can't get emotional."
~*I need such amazing grace
Heaven sweep me away
Love don't change*~
"He's exactly what I need. But sometimes I'm not sure I'm what he needs. He's so damn insecure about love, including ours. He can't accept the fact that there is no way I'm going anywhere, that I'm staying right here with him.
"I guess he's just been burnt so many times in his life. Hell, so have I. He's my saviour in so many ways. He's my sweet surrender, and I've never felt the same as I do when we're together. It seems crazy, but every once in awhile, I feel like maybe he doesn't feel the same.
"I'm starting to sound like him. His insecurities are starting to rub off on me. I'm a firm believer in true love. I wasn't until I met him, it's kinda funny. Now, though, I realize that there truly is one person in the world who makes you want to change; want to become a better person. Your one true love. And I definitely believe Tom is mine."
~*We could never think that much
It should never get this bad*~
"I'm being absolutely ridiculous. She's perfect for me in every way. I need her and that's all there is to it. I can't believe I let myself get this way. I know how to remedy it, though. I do it everytime I feel myself slipping.
"I'll go home tonight, have dinner with her, talk over a bottle of wine. While we talk, I'll tell her everything that's been going on and I know she'll ease my fears. After we talk, the evening will probably take a turn to the bedroom, which in itself is just what the doctor ordered.
"I guess I just think too damn much, which is why I really need to spend some time with her. When we're together, we never do too much thinking. Despite all my fears and insecurities, this much I know: I could never love anyone as much as I love her."
~*And we always say
It would be good to go away*~
"I'm looking forward to tonight. I know he'll be home, and he'll be ready to talk. When we talk, feelings come out that neither of us knew were there. I think that's why the sex is so good, we learn something new about each other every time we talk.
"We used to talk about what it would be like to be together outside of Voyager. How good it would feel to get away from this ship. But every date we have and every night he comes home and wants to talk to me is like a vacation. I almost forget exactly where I am and just think about who I'm with.
"Even through all his insecurities and my attitude, there is still one thing I know for sure: I could never love anyone as much as I love him."
~*END*~
