Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon or any of it's characters... but I can dream, can't I? :p
Do you know what it's like to fail? Everyone does, I'm sure. I guess that failure is a part of life, like breathing, sleeping, or eating. At least to me. Every day is a reminder of failures, past and present, memories and dreams that haunt me always. Yeah, everyone fails sometime. But what if you happen to be someone who fails ALL the time?
My first memories of failure come from when I was just a kid. The pressure, no, duty, to become perfect in every way, to act the gentleman and to be refined and cultured, was all too much for me to handle. The evidence of my failure can be seen by the whip marks, the scars on my back left by my fiancee when she grew tired of my childish ways and attempted to teach me the "right" ways. Running away from home brought escape, yet sealed the failure of that part of my life. The mental and physical scars still remain; symbols of my failure.
Pokémon Tech was the place for my next failure. There I met a girl, a girl that I fell in love with nearly instantly, yet I never told her that. We were best friends, sharing things together always. She made me feel like I wasn't a failure after all. But in the end, we both failed, and miserably at that. Kicked out of school and with no place to go, we were all alone together. The shadow of my failure, getting the lowest grade in the school's history, followed me constantly.
Then there was the bicycle gang. We joined in desperation, hoping to succeed and to be happy at this, at least. And we were happy, for a time. But the popularity couldn't last forever, shifting away from us and to other riders, the newer, trendier ones who were out to prove they were better than anyone before. The cloud of dust we were left in constantly now was not anything to make us happy. Soon we were on our own again, living on the streets, going from town to town, looking for something, anything, to show us we had worth, we could accomplish something, we could be happy. I still had my best friend, at the very least. We grew closer, often holding on to each other for comfort, warmth, or just a gentle reassurance that neither of us was totally alone in the world.
Then came Team Rocket. We found immediate acceptance there, if not total happiness. But I was learning there could be no such thing as complete happiness. My best friend then became my partner, and we were joined by another friend, a Meowth that could talk. If you just glanced at us you might not call us friends, but if you watched longer, looking past all the fighting and name-calling, you'd see that we shared a certain friendship with one another. We had a number of successes, rising up the ranks until we finally gained the coveted white uniforms, signifying our value to the team. We weren't failures now. We had worth, of sorts. But then came "the assignment" - which is what I call it now, because it's not something I care to think much on. Our luck turned bad, and we never could complete "the assignment". Constant pressure from our boss to get the job done kept us trying, but even our best didn't seem to be enough. To conclude simply, we were fired. Failures again.
Meowth left us, and it was just me and my partner again. Our recent failure had caused us to grow apart somewhat. She was filled with bitterness and thoughts of revenge. I guess it was at this point that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I never told her I loved her. So I guess I shouldn't have been floored when she found someone new. A wonderful guy really - charming, handsome, dignified, and not without a sizeable amount of money. Definitely not a failure. She showed me the engagement ring, smiling, happy. And I was glad that she was happy. But I couldn't smile back. How could I? I loved her, but it was too late. Another failure. She asked if I wanted to live with them in their house, there was more than enough room and it would be just fine with them if I wanted to. I said no. All I could see was the ring on her finger, another embodiment of my failure. I went to her wedding, of course. Then she lived in her house with her husband, and I lived alone in my apartment about 15 minutes away.
Now I don't see much of her. After all, she has a baby girl and a husband to take care of. She still calls every Sunday though, telling me about how happy she is.
That's wonderful, Jess. I'm so glad for you.
And I mean it. But one day as I say those words again over the phone, my voice cracks, and I break down into tears. Tears I'd never shed since the day she told me she was getting married. All the anguish and grief pouring out over this failure, as well as all the others before. She tells me to stay where I am, that she's coming to see me. She shows up at my door, immediately hugging me tightly as I sob on her shoulder, just like in the days when we were all each other had, and she would comfort me. She tells me she's sorry, that she never wanted it to turn out like this. I know I only have myself to blame. I also know that she knows how I still feel about her. But she would never say that, because it just can't be now. She holds me for a long time before standing up, as I stand with her. Hanging heavily in my heart is the knowledge that she needs to go back to her life. She hugs me a final time.
Please don't cry anymore. You'll find someone you like, and you'll be happy. You won't be alone forever. I promise.
She kisses my forehead. I watch her leaving through the window.
But Jess, I already have someone I like. I just can't have her.
Years pass, and feelings change. I'm not sure what I feel now. The only thing that remains the same is the sharp pain in my heart whenever I think of her. She was wrong. I hadn't found "someone". But come to think of it, I don't really want anyone. One is all my heart has room for. I spend most of my time now just waiting for my next failure, hoping this time it won't be as painful as the last. I guess that the only thing I have left in my life now is my failure. It's a depressing reality that I'm all too used to.
*sigh*... send me your comments on this one and tell me if it depressed you as much as it did me...
