If there's one thing I hate, it's

Jessie.

Meowth.

Oh, this is getting off to a good start already.

waking up in the morning. Especially when the first thing I usually see is nine pounds of fur and claws ready to take my eyes out if I don't do something about breakfast, and soon.

And what is dat supposed to mean? Are you saying I'm fat? For your information, I weigh eight pounds.

After you've shed the extra pound of fur all over my clothes.

Heheh... honest mistake...

I ain't forgettin' about dis...

Mercifully, however, the first thing I see this morning is

A great big bunny, come to squish me flat as a pancake.

What's a... bunny?

I dunno... sounded good.

a paragon of beauty still sleeping serenely a short distance away.

Of course I mean Jessie. Unless you were thinking that she was the one with fur and claws.

What the...

So what are you trying to say about ME now? That I have fur and claws?

Only in da morning.

Uhh... read that again, will ya?

Oh... heh... never mind.

Long red hair flowing about her in gentle waves, tightly closed eyes, small perfect mouth open just the tiniest bit,

Kids, dis is what happens when ya've had too much alcohol early in da mornin'. Ya start goin' all delusional.

soft, delicate breath

Dat smells like a garbage man.

Don't you mean garbage can?

No. Garbage man. Ya ever smelled one?

I can almost feel against my cheek, that's how close she is. It's times like these that I wish I had my camera. That is, if I even had a camera, as well as a death wish.

What I mean by that is, Jessie would kill me if she caught me taking her picture in the morning.

She'd kill ya anytime, not just if ya took her picture.

True...

Only if I'd sold tickets first.

She moves slightly, blue eyes blinking open and closed once, twice,

What's da matta? Ya got a vision problem? Need glasses?

before finally focusing on my face. Then she smiles, and it's like

Two Snorlax jumping from a bridge and landing on the cement with a great big splat!

What do Snorlax have to do with this?

Absolutely nothing.

the sun rising at dawn - magnificent, breathtaking, and focused directly at me.

"Good morning," she whispers sleepily. The options of what I could say in reply race through my mind dizzyingly.

"Is it just me, or does your breath reek?" "Have you been eating Jigglypuff laced with garlic?"

Why must you continually dis my dream? What have I ever done to you?

Well, you were born, for one... plus, it just sucks. Oh yeah, and ya called me fat, too.

Oh brother...

"Good heavens, Miss Jessie, you're beautiful!"

What the...

Uh.. it's in a song. You know, Thomas Dolby?

No.

Who knew that James listened to American '80's music....

and "Did you pour glue in my eyes last night? They seem to be stuck to you" are among those I reject. Something more like "You're the only thing that makes my mornings good" might be a bit more suitable. But when I open my mouth, only two words escape my lips.

"Die, sucka!"

I don't think anyone will get that.. it's one of the author's wierd little inside jokes.

Tanks fer clearin' dat up. Now die, sucka!

"...Good... morning..."

Well, you're certainly not Shakepeare.

I never said I was Shakespeare.

There ya go.

She only continues smiling.

Then she beats me to a pulp using only her hair! Oh, the humanity!

In an effort to conceal my awkwardness, I sit up and stretch; I can feel her eyes watching me, tracing the musculature of my upper body.

You can tell dis is James' dream. He don't have any musculature in his upper body.

Not to mention his lower.

No comment...

My face is burning red by this time, but I don't think she sees, as she is now standing up and stretching herself. I sit there twiddling my thumbs in indecision, not knowing whether to get up as well or just

Go stark raving mad, yelling, "Die, sucka!", as I hop up and down on her like... somethin' dat hops up and down a lot.

Now who's not Shakespeare...

stay where I am.

So I am startled by Jessie's hand suddenly extending in front of me,

To slap da stuffing out of me 'til I DIE! DIE SUCKA!

I think you're beating that joke into the ground, here...

her face still smiling at me above it.

Well yeah, I hope my face is above my hand.

Yeah... otherwise your face would be like... in your chest or something.

Ewwww... perverted.

I reach up to touch her hand hesitantly, and finding that it is not an illusion, I grasp it in my own and allow her to

Yank it out of it's socket, then twirl me around like a rag doll before letting me fly off into the distance, screaming like a lunatic!

I'm not sure I'm having fun with this anymore...

pull me up. Reaching quickly for the small bag containing our personal items (living in a balloon for the most part means you have to travel light), she tugs my hand gently, pointing in the direction of the stream we had camped by the night before.

Look! We made it through almost the whole paragraph without making fun of anything! Quick, someone say something stupid!

You already did.

"Let's go," she grins at me. I risk a quick glance at Meowth before allowing her to lead me. Still sleeping. A miracle.

HEY! It's a miracle that I'm sleeping?

I guess I got it wrong. Anytime you're NOT sleeping is a miracle.

You better apologize for dat. Think of my reputation.

Sometimes I wonder whose idea it was to pick out nearly matching sets of pajamas - one pink, one blue. I certainly don't remember it being mine.

And it sure as heck wasn't mine.

And why this is what's going through my mind right now, with Jessie holding my hand, is a complete mystery. Maybe it's because I'm admiring how cute she looks in hers.

Really? I look... cute in them?

Oh yeah. Especially when you bend over, and your butt--

Sticks out like a Snorlax wearing pantyhose.

MEOWTH!!

Yeah Meowth, think of the Snorlax. Do you think they would appreciate comments like that?

I know two dimwits who are going to die very, very soon..

Fortunately, these thoughts are driven from my mind when we finally reach our destination.

How do you drive thoughts from your mind?

Well, ya make sure they got their seatbelts on, and dat their all nice 'n' comfy in da seat, den ya get in da front of yer Buick and drive those little thoughts right out yer ear.

Oh.

Jessie kneels down at the water's edge, fishing

For the Man-Eating Magikarp, so it can FEAST ON FLESH!!

Meowth... you really seem to have problems...

through the bag to find her toothbrush and our only tube of toothpaste before handing the bag to me as I kneel stiffly beside her. I can only assume she expects me to find my own.

Well, duh.

I hunt through the bag in vain, only to realize that I had lost my toothbrush yesterday, in a silly incident involving

Two Snorlax and a toilet.

What is WITH this Snorlax fixation of yours?

Oh... I know... it's because of that one time... He kissed one.

Yeah.. and ever since then, I've always known that Snorlax were the ones for me...

Heh...

Uhh...

trying to brush my teeth while in the hot air balloon, using a bottle of water. I had explained to Meowth the importance of having villainously gleaming teeth, but he had told me it was a dumb idea.

And I guess he was right, since my toothbrush is somewhere in between

Da sewer systems of Viridian an' Pewter.

Viridian and Pewter City right now.

"Umm... Jessie? I don't..."

...have a brain.

Look, could you stop bashing me? This is a dream... it's supposed to be dumb. You're just making it dumber!

It's too fun. You oughta try it.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

No.

Yeah.

HA!

How juvenile...

"Oh, that's right, you lost it," she says with that seemingly never-ending smile. "You can use mine." Use... hers...

Words... slowing... down... Thoughts... going... numb...

Not you, too...

Usually the only thing Jessie lets me borrow of hers is her clothes for disguises. But this... Use something that had been in her mouth... past those beautiful ruby red lips... Like

Barf me out, gag me with a spoon!

It could be arranged.

I'm dumb enough to pass this up.

You better hope you ARE dumb enough to pass it up.

Why?

I'd kill you without selling tickets first.

Oh.

I manage to get the job done, but not before what had happened the last time I "borrowed" Jessie's toothbrush flashes through my mind. She had tied both of my hands behind my back, tied my hair to the bottom of the balloon, and then...

YEAH! Now we're talkin'! Action! Action!

But this is ruining my peaceful image of the morning.

Dang. And it was finally gettin' good.

I rinse out her toothbrush in the stream, then hand it back to her and watch until she is finished. She puts everything back in the bag very methodically, setting it aside once she is done to smile at me yet again. It might be my imagination, but I think she is leaning in closer to me.

It WAS your imagination.

Or it could just go back to that alcohol thing.

At last, I open my mouth to ask, "Jessie? What are you... you..."

DIE, SUCKA!

And what was the point of THAT?

Eh, I just wanted to throw it in one more time, fer nostalgia's sake.

"You're so silly, James," she sighs breathily at me.

All da plants within 20 feet suddenly wither and die from the smell.

You're asking for it now...

"The reason I brought you out here and had you brush your teeth is so I could...

Practice my anti-anesthesia dentistry techniques on ya.

could give you a kiss," she finishes, blushing faintly.

NO WAY!

Heheh... umm... heheh...

So why ARE ya blushin'?

After marveling for a moment at her concern for morning halitosis,

Haliwhatsis?

I think it's a city in Kentucky.

Oh yeah...

I blink rapidly in shock.

All dis blinkin' goin' on... Now HE needs glasses.

She is leaning in ever closer, those lips only inches from mine. Now I'm thinking that this must be a dream, it can't possibly be real.

Well, duhhhhh.

Actually, I agree.

What? So are you saying you would LIKE me to kiss you now? IS THAT what you're saying?

Umm... can I get back to you on that...

Yet she's here... I'm here... she wants to do it... Lord knows I want to do it... we both have that great minty-fresh breath...

James. Master of the Obvious.

But still, things never work out this perfect, not unless you're a good guy.

True...

Yep...

Dat's about da most profound statement you've made in dis whole thing.

I have to be sure.

Yep, it's better to be sure. Cuz if yer unsure, you'll have smelly armpits, then no one will want to be around you cuz you stink. Raise yer hand if yer sure!

Something tells me that Meowth watches way too much television for a cat...

"Jess... Do you think you could

Tie me to a tree and beat me with a wet Snorlax?

All right, that's it! I can't take this anymore! Isn't this story over yet!?

This is YOUR dream, shouldn't YOU know?

I don't care, I quit! Who needs the rest of it anyway!

Think of da fans! All those people out there who HAVE to know how it ends!

They could just go read the original.

That's true... and besides, Cori-chan is the only one who's ever going to read this thing anyway.

Yeah, her... Always puttin' words in our mouths... I think we should take a stand here! We ain't doin' dis no more! Are you with me?

Yeah!

Heck yeah!

pinch me?" She does. And of course, I wake up.

That's the last time I'll ever ask Jessie to pinch me in a dream.

She put it up anyway...

I figured as much...

Oh well. The End, already.

For some reason... I feel so brain dead...

Actually, yer always.... never mind. Da End!

Note to self: Strike the words "Die, sucka" from vocabulary sometime soon. Otherwise, the next time I... oh never mind.

Back
Main Page