Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Jessie and James. Unfortunately, they seem to own me. -_-;
Part Two - Destiny
I'm not sure why everything has to go wrong. Maybe it's just fate playing it's cruel game with us, as it seems to do so often.
Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this.
I guess it started on that one day...
Things are going well. "Too good to be true" might be a better way to put it. I feel like it fit in, like I belong somewhere, a feeling I haven't had regularly in my life so far. Except for when I met Jessie. I met her, and... I felt like we fit together. And whether or not she feels the same way... well, I haven't exactly asked her, on account of being too afraid of her reaction to the question. But hopefully she does feel the same.
Now I feel as though I have found another good friend in Chopper. I had been all too frightened before that the rest of the gang would laugh at me and my silly training wheels, but Chopper always hung around me, and no one seemed to remember that embarrassing problem then. Maybe he is just looking out for me and telling them behind my back that they shouldn't tease me, but I do appreciate it. After all, it's not my fault I can't ride a bicycle. My parents wouldn't let me. They thought it was too dangerous. Too dangerous! For a little boy to ride a bike! God forbid anything "dangerous" should happen to their little heir, I guess.
But even with my new friends and the freedom to do as I wish, I'm starting to miss Jessie. Don't get me wrong, Chopper and the other guys are great, but... it's not the same as the relationship I have with my best friend. She just understands me better, I think. Even if with that understanding comes a certain amount of annoyance. But I think I'll put more faith in thinking that she really does care for me rather than in thinking that she puts up with me out of pity. It's just more comforting.
I coast down the hill on my "borrowed" bicycle, in silence because Jessie doesn't seem to want to talk. She is riding behind me, but when I peek over my shoulder at her, she isn't even looking at me. Maybe she is just busy thinking. I turn my attention back to the sidewalk in front of me, sighing quietly.
I don't see Jessie much, except when we go to bed at night, when we are usually too tired to talk, or the short amount of time we have in the morning before we ride out to meet the gang before most of them have to head off to school. There are always one or two members who will skip school for the day, though, and then there are the older members who aren't even in school anymore, so we never really have to worry about fending for ourselves all the time. Jessie usually goes off with the girls all day, while I spend the time with whatever guys are around. Like I said before, I do miss Jessie, but maybe it's supposed to be this way. At least today, being Saturday I don't have to worry about whether or not Chopper will be around. Most of the other guys aren't as relaxed around me when he's not around.
I glance at the sky briefly as if to remind myself that the dark, heavy-looking clouds are still there, threatening to ruin our chances of spending the day outside. So I am not totally surprised to see that only Chopper, two other boys, and a handful of girls including Tyra are waiting for us at our morning meeting place in the park.
"Hey! I knew you two wouldn't let us down!" Chopper yells over, waving enthusiastically at us. We draw up short of the little group as the orange-haired boy continues. "Aw, what a bunch of wusses. Just because it might rain... they throw away a perfectly good chance to ride," he sighs dramatically before grinning at me.
"They're crazy," I agree, grinning back, then looking at Jessie. She is staring at the sky; I frown, wondering what's wrong. "Um... so what are we doing today?"
"Oh... the usual," Chopper shrugs while the other guys move in closer to the two of us. "Hey, but why don't we go over to my house first? I got somethin' to show ya." Chopper's demeanor suggests that this "something" is truly spectacular, and the others quickly agree. Before I comment, I look over at Jessie, but she's not there. Confused, I crane my neck around enough to see her pedaling off with the girls. It's not like I hadn't been expecting it, but... today it just seems to bother me more than it has before.
"Hey," Chopper says quietly, moving in even closer so no one else can hear. "Don't worry about her. She can take care of herself, ya know?"
I nod. Of course I know. That's just not what I'm worried about.
I guess that I am pretty quiet as we ride to Chopper's house, from the way he keeps looking at me funny. But I can't help it - the feeling that something is wrong or is about to go wrong is hanging over my head as oppressively as the heavy rain clouds.
We arrive at our destination, a very modest-looking white house with a blue tile roof. I have never been here before, although I suppose the other two boys have been. The three of us wait on the front lawn while Chopper goes inside momentarily. "Gotta make sure it's alright if we all come in at once. My mom would freak if we all stampeded in at once," he jokes. Then he disappears through the front door.
I stand uncomfortably beside my bike, unsure of what to do without Chopper around. Quickly, I cast a glance at both of the other guys to figure out their moods. The one boy, Chad, just looked bored, staring at everything from the clouds overhead to the grass below his feet in turn. But the other, whom everyone calls "Wire", is staring at me scornfully; I don't know why. Then his eyes flick down to those training wheels on my bike, and he looks back up at me with even more derision.
I had never particularly liked Wire; in fact, out of all the gang, he is probably the most openly hostile toward me. I had always figured that it was because Chopper had let me join the gang even when it was discovered that I couldn't ride. Whether that is it or not, the way he stares, with those steely gray eyes, makes me want to hide somewhere. I have to settle for looking at the ground instead, shifting my feet nervously and digging my fists deeper into the pockets of the black trench coat Chopper had given me. He had also given me a hat, which I had so foolishly left behind this morning, considering the likelihood of rain. I only hope that Chopper will be coming out soon.
After ten minutes or so, he finally does. I look up eagerly, but my face falls when I see the downcast look covering his own. No, it's not just downcast... it's sad. So sad that I almost don't believe this could be the ever-cheerful person I know.
"I have to go. I have to find my sister... find Tyra," he mumbles without looking at any of us. Momentarily I am shocked at hearing that Tyra is his sister - they had never hinted at such a relationship before, and I never would have guessed. But my surprise disappears for now as Chopper simply continues on past us and climbs on his bike. He is about to leave, but then he stops and looks back at us when Wire and Chad begin to protest. With a wave of his hand, he cuts them off to say, "Listen... I'm not going to be around with you guys for awhile... I don't know how long. Wire... you take over as leader for me, you've been here almost as long as me. Take care of everyone, you hear?"
And then he is gone, riding away on his bike, not in a hurry, but as though what he is doing is burdensome. I want to open my mouth and say something, but my lips seem frozen together, and now it is too late. I regret that.
A fat drop of rain suddenly splashes on my face; I hastily scrub the water from my eyes with one arm, and when I look up I see that both Chad and Wire are looking at me, one with disinterest and the other with something very close to loathing.
"C'mon, let's go tell the others," Wire says pointedly to Chad, quite obviously excluding me from this command. So I stand there and watch as they ride away, leaving me standing all alone in the middle of Chopper's front yard, raindrops coming down now fast all around me. I think I can hear someone crying inside the house, but I'm feeling too numb to pay much attention.
As I ride away very slowly, all I know is that those bad feelings I've been having weren't for nothing.
I'm not quite sure how long I rode around Sunnytown, it's name seeming so out of place now, but it is getting dark when I finally pull up outside the hideout. Maybe I am just afraid of seeing Jessie again, but that doesn't make much sense. Nothing really does right now.
She's not even there when I open the door, which is sort of a relief, since I won't have to worry about changing my wet clothes quickly - she always is so concerned that I don't get sick again. But when I am finally mostly dry and settled in the darkest corner of the room, I still can't seem to relax. My mind replays everything I had seen and heard today, even though I wish it wouldn't.
Hours pass again, and some time around eleven o'clock, I hear the door open and Jessie enter quietly, as though she is afraid I'm asleep already. "James?" she whispers, apparently not seeing me. "Are you here?"
"Yeah," I answer.
She comes to stand over me, her hands on her hips, her overall expression disapproving. "I looked everywhere for you."
"Not here," I offer, waiting for her to start lecturing me or something. Her expression merely softens though, and she shakes her head slightly before heading off to change her clothes. I lapse back into deep thought, startled when Jessie sits beside me and begins talking.
"So, did you... hear?"
"Oh... yeah, I was there when Chopper found out... whatever it was he found out. But he didn't say much... do you know anything?" She looks down as though choosing her words very carefully before answering.
"Tyra told us... she told us that her father died this morning. Her and Chopper are going to need a lot of time, I guess... Wire is in charge now, whatever that means."
"Oh." I can't think of anything else to say, but I don't think she expects me to. I feel sad, but... I keep thinking of how I would feel if my own father were to die. The lack of emotion scares me.
Of course, Jessie doesn't know about my past or family life at all, so when she asks if I'd like to talk about anything, I have to tell her no. I don't think I'm quite ready to tell her all those things I've kept bottled up inside me, hidden from her. She looks sad, though.
To my surprise, I find myself reaching out to hug her, obviously to her surprise as well. "I know you're good friends with Tyra... I'm sure she'll be able to work it out, in time. You shouldn't worry too much."
She pulls away, looking at me as if she has never seen me before. "James..." she begins, then shakes her head. "Why don't you get some sleep? You look tired." I look back at her, suddenly realizing just how pretty she is, with her long hair still damp and flowing down her back, her eyes a deep shade of blue in the near-darkness. I guess I hadn't thought of that in a long time.
I nod in agreement, then we both lay down under our blankets after Jessie puts out the small light. I find myself having to rely on the sound of her steady breathing to lull me into a restless sleep.
The next week crawls by at an almost unbearably slow pace. Jessie usually goes out for the day, but I always tell her that I'm not interested in going. She brings me food, but I don't even dare ask her where she gets it. I suppose that she might feel like I am driving her away from me, but I feel so depressed, and sensing that, she leaves me alone.
Then, exactly a week after Tyra and Chopper left, Wire calls a meeting. All eighteen or so of us are crammed into the little hideout, because it is still raining, as it has been off and on all week, the sun never coming out at all. No one seems to want to come near me, so I have a good two feet of space to either side; Jessie stands with her friends, yet she looks at me every so often. As for myself, I try to pretend I'm invisible.
"Alright, you guys," Wire begins slowly, without waiting for everyone's murmuring to die down. "We all know 'bout what's happened to our leaders. And for now, I'm in charge." He nods as though that should be obvious, anyway. Like he'd ever let anyone forget for very long. "And what I'm thinking right now is that we need a hell of a lot more members so we can get on with some serious business." I have no clue what this "serious business" is, but I can only imagine it's not too good. "I have a few in mind already, but you all need to get out there and recruit, too. Understand?"
Everyone seemed to, and they all began to shuffle out of the building. That really hadn't seemed like much of a meeting to me. Maybe they were all just too scared to take on Wire, who is definitely the toughest-looking guy in the gang. Eventually, only Jessie is left in the room, having hung back for the moment.
"You coming?"
"I don't... no, not today."
She shakes her head, about to say something more, but quickly ducks out the door when she changes her mind. I sit down on the floor, feeling miserable. Will this cause me to lose my best friend, too..? If so, I only have myself to blame.
So I am really not expecting it when, a few days later, I suddenly feel like going out riding once more. It's just something that happens all of a sudden, and I can't explain it at all.
And that is why, sometime after Jessie has left for the day, I head out to the park, hoping to catch a few of the guys hanging around there. After all, a few of them had been nice to me, when Chopper was around.
Arriving at the park beneath a heavily overcast sky, I am fortunate enough to spot three boys sitting with their backs to me, not too far from a large tree only ten feet away. But Wire is one of them. Cautiously, I creep up behind the tree to listen for awhile before I decide whether to join them or not.
"But really," one of them, whom I identify as Bryan, is saying, "Can we really take down the entire Bridge gang?"
"Why not? We've got a lot of new members already. It'll be nothing," Wire reassures him.
"I don't know..." The third boy, Adam, sounds skeptical.
"Just shut up!" Wire hisses. "This is gonna work, and I didn't ask for your opinions!" This causes a rather uncomfortable silence for a time; I am about to sneak away when Wire speaks again. He rattles off a list of new members' names, which surprises me, considering that I didn't know there would a lot so fast. There must have been at least fifteen new names before Wire starts listing the names of the members I'm already familiar with. I realize that he must be counting out how many people there are altogether. And nowhere is my own name mentioned.
"Hey..." Adam speaks up hesitantly. "What about that... that one kid..."
What one kid?"
"You know... James." My back stiffens automatically, even though I had known he meant me before he'd said my name.
"What? Him?" Wire begins incredulously. "Do you think we could count on him in a fight? He looks like a total wuss! He can't even ride a bike! ...And I bet you anything he's gay or something."
"Gay?" Bryan asks dubiously. "How can you tell?"
"Geez, are you clueless? He looks like a girl... and why else would Jess let him sleep in the same room with her at night? I dunno, but he's definitely some kind of freak. The only thing I can't figure is why Chopper is so nice to him."
"So... umm... we gonna get rid of him?" Adam asks.
"Hell yeah. Jess is cool, and can probably hold her own in a fight, but he has got to go. We just gotta figure out a way to get rid of him so that he doesn't suspect us and go complaining to Chopper that..."
At this point I have lost all interest in listening, although it probably would have been wise for me to continue. All that matters to me is getting away without being noticed. If that is what they think of me...
When I was a little boy, I had wished I was a girl.
That was my wish as soon as I found out, at a very young age, that being a boy in my family meant two specific things: that I had to get married, and continue the family line by having a boy of my own. There were other things besides that, but those were the main points. And when I had discovered this, I had so desperately wished to be a girl. I had grown my hair out as long as my parents would let me, and even dressed myself up in my mother's old clothes from time to time, but without letting anyone know lest I get into trouble. I had honestly thought, at that young age, that I could change myself into a girl. Which, obviously, hadn't worked.
Really, I haven't thought of that stage I went through for years, but I have long outgrown wishing for such an impossible thing. But now... when those boys thought I must be... gay... could that phase in my life really mean that I was?
I continue to stare out the window of the hideout, watching the rain swirl in patterns on the glass. I try to think: have I ever liked... boys? Nothing comes to mind. Then I remember how I had just recently thought that Jessie was pretty. Surely that must prove... that I'm not. Nodding to myself, I decide that I can't possibly be. Besides that, I never really thought much about being in a relationship, anyway. What I really should be worrying about now is how Wire and the others are going to "get rid of" me. If only I had stayed longer and...
My thoughts are cut off suddenly by Jessie opening the door and stepping inside, and I jump in surprise. She stares at me quizzically, and I notice how her wet clothes are nearly adhering to her body like a second skin. This makes my face flush. I had never experienced this feeling before.
"James... do you want to come out and meet some new guys? They're just down the block a ways." I shake my head slowly, still staring at her. "James!" she continues in a harsher voice, getting angry at me for the first time in I don't know how long, her fists planted firmly on her hips. "You can't stay in here all your life! You need to leave sometime!"
"I went out today," I tell her quietly.
"Oh. You did? Who did you go with?" She seems startled for a moment, then relaxes.
"I... I couldn't find anyone," I lie.
"Oh. Well, are you sure you won't come out now? A little rain won't hurt you." I manage to convince her that I won't go, and she leaves after she's through telling me off. It's good to see her acting normal again, but... I don't think I want to go out after what I've just seen. Then again... she was right when she said I can't stay here forever.
So, against my better judgement, and realizing I must be out of my mind for doing so, I find myself walking down the street in the rain, since if they're just down the block, riding would be a waste of time. Plus, I don't think I'm too comfortable with these new people seeing my ridiculous training wheels right now.
I spend roughly ten minutes searching the street for them, but find nothing. About to give up, I finally stop dead in my tracks when I hear something that sounds like Jessie laughing. Following the sound, I spot her standing next to a building, sheltered from the rain by the overhanging roof. But she is not with a group; all I can see is one guy with her, and all I can tell of his features is short, frizzy black hair. They could both turn at any moment and see me. They are standing so close together. Jessie laughs again, and then... the guy kisses her. They kiss for so long... and he is touching her in a place that...
My mind is a complete blank, but I know enough to turn and run in the opposite direction, choking back the strangled sound coming from my throat that would surely have alerted them to my presence. I run as fast and as far as I can manage - not to the hideout, but to somewhere. My foot slips once, landing me face-down with muddy water everywhere, but I get up and keep going. I don't think I can stop. My whole body feels like it's burning.
Why do I care?! I don't care for Jessie that way!
Do I?
I'm such a fool.
o_o; Yep... angst. Comments, anyone?
