By: Nogs
One day, late in the month of.....wait....was it October?.....nah....it was July, right?....no?....oh yeah!...August! Bob and the Entourage were "chillin" at Melvin's expansive beach-side mansion, when Bob went to the fridge for some more beer. From the recesses of Melvin's kitchen came the cry, "AAAUUUGGGHH!!!! Melvin! We're out of beer! HOLD ME!!!!!!!!!" Now, Melvin was a bit peeved at having his meditation interrupted AGAIN by Bob's piteous cries for comfort, but he had a soft spot for beerless friends, so he suggested that the Entourage go to the local supermarket and get some more beer. Besides, Velvetta needed a new toothbrush, and Fredania was low on plant food for Shelley. Bob, after sobbing helplessly and unheld on the kitchen floor for a while, agreed. The Entourage crammed themselves in Melvin's purple Prowler convertible and drove the 6.834 miles to the massive Super Huge Supermarket.
Once Melvin had parked the Prowler waaaaaaaaay out in the parking lot (so it wouldn't get dinged, dontcha know! Maaco was NOT having a sale, and they had trouble matching the color of Melvin's purple Prowler convertible!) Bob and the Entourage began the long and arduous trek from the wilds of the parking lot to the door of the Super Huge Supermarket. They walked for what seemed like YEARS (in reality, it was about two minutes) trying to seem cool and "suave" when they were really just desperate for beer, a toothbrush, and plant food. Bob kept getting distracted by the sun flashing off of car mirrors and wandering off in search of the "Sparkly...." After repeatedly being hauled back into line, SPAM gave up and stole one of Melvin's sleeves to blindfold Bob. Once blindfolded, Bob was calm and able to walk on towards the Super Huge Supermarket without incident. However, Melvin had only one sleeve, and Bob did look rather goofy walking through the parking lot blindfolded. Oh well. They didn't look cool anymore. Melvin got tired of walking on in silence, so, as usual, he starting humming the bass line to one of the 7th Deli's songs like a demented bumblebee. (Picture, if you will, the scene: Bob, wandering blindfolded through the parking lot with a goofy smile on his face, SPAM leading him, Dank and Velvetta trailing behind making bunnyears on Bob, and Melvin, with only one sleeve, humming the bass line to some song like a demented bumblebee.)
Well, the Entourage finally made it to the big glass double doors, and SPAM pulled off Bob's blindfold. Bob shook out his hair, looked around, and said, "Sparkly?" Melvin sighed, a bit peeved at having been interrupted in his humming. The Entourage then proceeded to read all of the cheesy little sale signs on the doors. They stood there, gaping at the low, low prices until a little blue-haired old lady shoved Bob and said, "Hey! Get outta the way! People are trying to SHOP here!" Bob promptly fell over, crawled to Melvin's feet, and said, "Hold me!" Melvin just kicked Bob lightly in the ribs and continued examining the "Turkeys, 1/2 price! Tuesday only!" sign. Bob reluctantly accepted the fact that he was not likely to get held by anybody and stood up. After they had read all the signs, Bob boldly led the way and opened> the doors.
Once inside, the Entourage was overwhelmed by the glittering cases of frozen meat and fresh vegetables, and the endless string of aisles! The signs hung from the tastefully painted ceiling, explaining which aisle had which food/cleaning product/tacky lawn decoration in it! The floor was tiled in tasteful white and green with black accents, the walls were tastfully white, and the whole place was spotless. Michael Bolton played tastefully softly over the P.A. system, and the shining rows of grocery carts stretched before them. Bob was instantly distracted by all the gleaming metal and exclaimed, "Sparkly!" He was about to run off in search of the Sparkly when Melvin took him by the arm and calmly hypnotized him, then planted a subliminal message in Bob's head that he should NOT go searching for anything called "Sparkly." Melvin snapped his fingers, and Bob jerked back to consciousness. He was no longer distracted by the gleaming metal, and was able to focus on the job of finding a cart.
Now, Bob had the luck of the Irish, so every cart he touched magically had a quirky wheel and pulled to the left, as well as made a horrible squealing noise when it rolled. After going through about, oh, two carts, Bob gave up and accepted the fact that he had the luck of the Irish and was doomed to have a weird cart. Bob steered the cart skillfully toward the first aisle.
The rest of the Entourage was so overwhelmed by the sheer beauty and efficiency of the Super Huge Supermarket that they had totally forgotten why they were there! Bob and the Entourage wandered around in the Super Huge Supermarket for two whole hours, buying strange items that they didn't really need, but looked good in the cart. They did not get beer, a toothbrush, or plant food, because those three items did NOT look good in the shiny chrome cart.
When Bob and the Entourage got to the checkout counter, they realized that they had precisely 10 items, and could use the 10 Items or Less, Cash Only, No Pierced Noses, No People Named Steve, No Barking Cows, No Palm Trees, No Llamas, Express Checkout Line! Bob was overjoyed, because no one had a pierced nose, a name of Steve, a barking cow, a palm tree (Shelley was in the car...it was her time of the month and she was cranky!) or a llama (Edna was running Bob's Llama ranch in Abu Dhabi) and they had precisely 10 items! So he carefully maneuvered the cart into the line, grinning madly. The cashier, who was a silly teenager with long brown hair, was instantly smitten by Bob's goofy face and dark roots, and so her brain turned instantly to mush. However, she managed to scan all of the items in the cart. (A bag of potatoes, a box of Cheez-its, two cans of canned radishes, a head of iceberg lettuce, a bunch of asparagus, a bottle of Tilex Mildew Killer, a spatula, an aromatherapy candle, a set of measuring spoons, a feather duster, and a box of blue toothpicks.) She totaled it up, added the state tax, and rattled off the total (which came to $32.76) to Bob, who promptly realized he didn't have his wallet. He turned to Melvin, but Melvin was wearing his toga and therefore had no pockets and thus no wallet. He turned to Velvetta, but Velvetta was being weird and had left his wallet at Melvin's house. He turned to Fredania, but Fredania was wearing his Yankee pants, and all he had was some old Confederate money. (Fredania was trying to become a Southerner, but he was a bit confused....) In desperation, Bob turned to SPAM, but SPAM was wearing his SPAM outfit, and there was no room in his Speedo for his wallet! They had NO MONEY!!!!!!! Bob instantly became rather distraught and broke down in tears on the nifty-snifty conveyor belt thing. The cashier, being smitten already, took pity on Bob, and when he said, "Hold me!!" she did. Bob sobbed pitifully onto her shoulder for a whole three seconds, then pulled back when Melvin went into a massive coughing fit. (Melvin was just jealous, even though he snubbed Bob all the time!) The cashier, who had a soft spot for llama ranchers, said, "Look, I'll cover it!" She dug around in her $6.99 Wal-Mart purse and pulled out a wad of cash, gave herself correct change, then pulled out a business card to give to Bob. "Here. Call this number if you need anything."
The card read:
Wookiee-child and Obi-Wan
Attorneys at Law
DO NOT CALL PAST 9 P.M.!!!!
1-800-485-2845
Bob was overjoyed! He and the Entourage made the long and arduos journey back to Melvin's purple Prowler Convertible, put their purchases in the back seat, crammed themselves in, and drove back to Melvin's beach house. They unloaded their stuff and went back to "chillin." Bob went to the kitchen for some beer, but when he opened the fridge, there wasn't any! Bob was VERY upset, because they had gone to all that trouble and not gotten any beer! He called the number on the cashier's card, and he got the answering machine. He left a tearful message, explaining things, and he had no sooner hung up when Melvin's doorbell rang! Bob ran to the door, and on the porch were two cases of ice-cold Corona! WAHOO! Bob was very happy, and ran back into the living room, dancing like a dying chicken with glee! The Entourage said a prayer to the mighty Wookiee-Child and Obi-Wan, drank the beer, and fell asleep on Melvin's yoga pillows!
THE END
A Note from Lids, the High Holy Goddess of Bobishness: I think Melvin gets more and more meditative as the Bob Chronicles go on......
In Bob We Trust,
~Lids!~
RUNAWAY!! Don't go looking for the sparkly. You won't find it. *grin*
