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Breaking Brazil (As told to Miguel, in a bar, the day after.) |
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"Yeah, well, what can I say? The Bolivians thought the country should visit Cloudgea. And not just the people of Brazil, but the whole country. Landmasses, rivers, trees and all. So being the geniuses they were, they thought they could take the whole damn thing with them. So, they attached a harness here, some pulleys there, got 'er all rigged up to go. And Juan fired up the generator and the winches started cranking and up she went. And for awhile, it looked like it was actually going to work. People started to party and mess around and no one noticed the cables snapping. Finally a little boy from Chile, his name was Pierre, he yelled "Momasita! Momasita!! El hombres leavin' in el plugo!" Well, actually I have no idea what he said, it was in Chilean. But that was probably pretty close. It was something about leaving in the plug in anyway. So everyone starts freaking out and running around and yelling things like "Madre a Dios! The sky is falling the sky is falling!" And everyone is yelling at Juan to turn off the generator and set Brazil back down. And good old Juan just smiles and waves because he's been deaf as a telephone pole for years now, only no one noticed because he never talked much anyway. So Brazil kept going up and up and up and more and more cables were breaking and the generator was making that high pitched squealing noise that machinery makes right before something really bad is going to happen. And then it did. The big cable in the middle broke and Brazil started listing to the left. It was like when the Titanic sank. Only alot bigger. And people started flying off the sides and everyone was screaming again. I bet some of the people were thinking "And I had to say "It can't get any worse" when I found my uncle in bed with that chicken didn't I?" And finally the whole darn thing just went crashing back down into the Brazil shaped hole it left. And it shattered. I mean, there was water and piranha and buildings all over the place. I only survived by landing on top of a gazelle. I'm not really sure where it came from, but boy am I glad it was there. One of those happy shiney moments when two paths cross and something soft gets landed on. Anyway, after they picked through the rubble,
they found the problem. See, Brazil is full of water. There are rivers
and streams and stuff just everywhere. The engineers now think that if
the Bolivians had pulled out the plug that little Pierre was talking about,
it would have suffeciently reduced the mass of Brazil, and their crazy
scheme just might have worked. But I guess we'll never know now. But look
at it this way, all those idiots who bought ocean front property in Paraguay
must be pretty happy right about now."
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