Once upon a time....
there was a young lad of only 13 named Velvetta. Now Velvetta was the son of a fishy hat maker and his fishy hat making wife. They all lived to together in their wee little house in Fishy Hat Land. No. Wait. Strike that. Starting over.
Okay, so there was this dude, named like Scott right? But nobody knew that was his name!! Because someone once saw him in a shirt that said in big blue letters "Velveeta." But the person who saw this shirt could not spell, so from then on the poor lad was known only as "Velvetta." (Well, that and Olive the Loaf and a few other things, but anyway.) So, Velvetta, as he was now known to the world, loved to go fishing at midnight. It was his greatest pleasure in life. Leaving his fishy hat house at midnight and fishing until the sun came up and then he had to go home and go to his regular job with Seventh Deli, but anyway, Velvetta loved to fish. So one hot, muggy, Thursday night, Velvetta was out fishing, as usual, when he felt that long awaited tug on his line. Velvetta sprang into action and started reeling!! It was a BIIIIIG fishy!! Heavy!! M u s t r e e l i n f i s h....Velvetta fought with the fish for a good 10 minutes before he finally drug it up on shore. He grabbed his lantern and ran over to look at his catch...
Velvetta shrieked!! Horror of horrors!! IT WAS A BABY GATOR!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Velvetta spazzed out for a bit and then he got ahold of himself. Velvetta said (to himself of course) "Dude. Just chill. It's just a gator. Just a wee little gator..okay...I'll just cut the line, yeah, that's it. Just cut the line and the gator will go away. Nothing to be afraid of. Not a thing. Just a gator. Just a baby gator. It won't bite me.." So, Velvetta cut the fishing line and watched the gator scamper off into the inky water. He let out a huge sigh of relief, put a new hook on his fishing pole and threw it back in the river.
Well, good old Velvetta had to sit there for quite some time before he felt another tug on his line. He reeled this one in much easy and saw a nice fluffly trout on his hook. Velvetta put the fishy in one of those wire baskets fishermen have that hang over the side of the boat and anyway, that's what he did with it. So, he threw his line back in thinking hey, i might get another one!! Yay!! Fish fry!! Unfortunatly, no such luck for Velvetta this time. Because slithering into the glow of his latern was that dagblasted baby gator again!! And behind it was the biggest, angriest, meanest looking momma gator Velvetta had ever seen!! (And being raised on a Lucrative Gator Farm in the Northwest Territories, he'd seen alot of gators) Velvetta freaked (wouldn't you?) and dropped his pole and backed slowly away....and bumped into the biggest, meanest, angeriest looking daddie gator he'd ever seen!! (and being raised on a Lucrative Gator Farm in...you get the idea.) Velvetta had no where to run!! HE WAS SURROUNDED BY THE BIGGEST, MEANEST, ANGRIEST LOOKING RABID GATORS HE'D EVER SEEN!!!!!!!! Velvetta climbed on top of his steel reinforced syrofoam minnow bucket and whimpered. The gators kept closing in on him!! Velvetta didn't know what to do!! The gators creeped closer in these unnerving, unamed miniscule amounts...And then he saw it!! His life saver!! The Flying Glowing Green Thing from the Outer Banks!! IT WAS HERNANDO!!!!!!! YAY!!!
The 9 1/2 inch tall cactus dropped down in the middle of the approaching gators and kicked some serious tail!! Then Hernando scooped up Velvetta (who was once again A Quavering Mass of Terrified Ooze) and they flew off to Velvetta fishy house. And ever since, good old poor little Velvetta has had an unnatural fear of gators!! (well, wouldn't you?)
In Bob We Trust,
~Lids!~ 6/28/99
