Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess....no, wait.....wrong story!.....there lived a....a......oh yeah! A piping blonde bastard named Snow Bob. (Why his first name was Snow, nobody knows. Rumor has it his parents were hippies....or were they skunkapes? Oh, it doesn't matter!)
Well, Snow Bob's father was killed for his horns, and Snow Bob's mother was really lonely, so she married what she thought was a lazy Canadian, but was really Fredania the Macedonian! (insert foreboding music here) Well, Fredania was very jealous of Snow Bob's hair, but instead of getting a weave (like any REAL lazy Canadian would!) or going after the Magic Can O' Cool Hair Hair Spray that his best friend and roomie Velvetta had, he abused his pseudo-royal power (being the Macedonian Fish-King and all) and ordered his best friend and roomie Velvetta to take Snow Bob down to the lake and drown him. (Since, as we all know, drowning is the only way to kill a half-Skunkape/half Hippie child with cool hair!)
Well, Fredania's best friend and roomie Velvetta was also a lazy Canadian, so when he took Snow Bob to the lake, he brought his fishing pole, so he wouldn't have to go back for it.
Fredania's best friend and roomie Velvetta was also pretty mellow (it was that bubble bath and Kenny G, ya know....) so when Snow Bob looked up at him, batted his cow-eyes and said, "Are we going fishing Uncle Step-Daddy's-Best-Friend-and-Roomie-Velvetta?" he had to say, "Well, uh, yeah. Just watch out for the gators." And since Fredania's best friend and roomie Velvetta could not lie to an innocent young Snow Bob, he had to take Snow Bob fishing.
The two guys were at the lake, hooks in the water, just "chillin'" when Fredania's best friend and roomie Velvetta felt a tug on his line! He reeled in a strange musical instrument that vaguely resembled a guitar that should should have had six strings but only had four. Snow Bob was a litte sloooooooooooooow, and said, "It's a FISH!" So it was, even though it wasn't. Well, Snow Bob was also feeling musical, so he picked up the FISH and played a song. He called it the Traveling Man Song. All of a sudden, everything went dark, and when Snow Bob awoke, he found himself at the foot of a sign that said, "Harp and Thistle...." no, wait....wrong sign!....It wasn't THE Sign! It said, "Welcome to the Wild Side." Snow Bob was very sad and very scared, so he cried for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only a few seconds. He then felt the urge to sing, "Someday My Hince Will Come" but even his falsetto wasn't high enough, so he instead sang, "I Want My Beeper Back" because he'd dropped it in the lake. Well, when he was through being musically challenged (or, in layman's terms, off-key) he opened his eyes (he couldn't sing with his eyes open, because...well, it's wrong, it's all wrong!) and ohmigod/goddess/deity of your choice! He was surrounded by DORKS! AAAGH!!! They were all sorta swaying back and forth, saying, "Wow.....you sing purty....." and generally being Dorkish. Well, Snow Bob was a sucker for a compliment, so he laid back on the grass, at the foot of the sign (not THE Sign!) and basked in the glow of Dorkish adulation. After a while, he got tired of being drooled over by a bunch of Dorks (it was getting his hair wet, after all) ang got up. He then counted the Dorks (which he towered over) and realized that there were SEVEN Dorks, not fourteen as he'd originally thought! (Perhaps it was that screwdriver he;d had that made him see double....) He asked the Dorks what their names were.
"MOTO," said the one with "MOTO" printed on her shirt. "It stands for Master Of The Obvious."
"Giggles," said the one next to MOTO. She giggled a lot. Too much. Waaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
"Weepy," sobbed the little boy with the tinwhistle.
"Whiner," said his sister.
"HYPER!!!!!!" squealed the person with THE marker.
"Screamer," whispered the girl with the antihistamine cream. (She whispered because she had screamed her voice into oblivion. She often screamed at pseudo-lazy Canadians named Fredania.)
The last Dork just grunted, somewhat frightened. "Nauga," it gurgled. Snow Bob admired its gleaming black hide and thought what a cool pair of pants it would make, then chastised himself for thinking that way about an adoring Dork.
The Seven Dorks could see that Snow Bob obviously needed a place to stay, so they led Snow Bob to their cozy little cottage in the nearby meadow. The Seven Dorks gave Snow Bob some really good food, (since Giggles was also known as "The Prophetic Reincarnation of the Goddess that is Betty Crocker.") a nice warm fluffy bed, and insisted he take a bath. (They WERE adoring Dorks, dontcha know!)
Well, Snow Bob was very happy with the Seven Dorks. They fed him regularly, made sure he was comfortable, and appreciated his music. In short, Snow Bob was bored. So he decided to go for a walk.
Snow Bob was wandering around in the woods (insert walking music here) just admiring the pretty trees and picking weeds. As he was strolling aimlessly, he met up with an old beggar woman. (Little did poor Snow Bob know, the old beggar woman was really Fredania the evil Macedonian Fish-King!) The old beggar woman (read, Evil Fredania) gave Snow Bob a can of SPAM in exchange for some of the weeds he had picked. Now, Snow Bob REALLY liked SPAM, and he really didn't want to share it with the rest of the Dorks, so he decided he'd better eat it there.
Well, as soon as Snow Bob opened the can, a giant flash of light temporarily blinded him! When his sight returned, he saw none other than Super Pistachio Ashton Man!!! In his S.P.A.M. outfit! Snow Bob was so shocked by the sight of S.P.A.M. in a Speedo that he fainted. Only, he didn't wake up. It was POISONED S.P.A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOTO the Dork was the first to find poor Snow Bob. She walked over, nudged him in the ribs with her really nifty boot and said, "He's unconscious." (Obviously!) The other Dorks were very sad, and put Snow Bob in a giant pintglass, where he stayed for seven long years.
Well, one day, while the Seven Dorks were at work (humming like demented bumblebees, dontcha know!) a Prandsome Hince drove up! In a purple Prowler convertible! He was very dashing in his purple-trimmed toga and his topknot, and he went over to the giant pintglass and thought, "Hmmmm....that looks like my bestest buddy Bob.....hmmmmm...." So he sat down on his handy-dandy yoga mat and meditated. After a while, Snow Bob began to float a little, inside the pintglass. Snow Bob was being levitated! WOW!!! The Prandsome Hince (whose name was Melvin Tiddlewinks) levitated Snow Bob out of the pintglass and set him gently on the ground in a sitting position. Well, the Prandsome Hince was faced with a dilemma. How to get his bestest buddy to wake up! The Prandsome Hince thought back to all of their adventures together, and realized that the only thing his bestest buddy ever seemed to want from him was being held! So the Prandsome Hince went over to Snow Bob and gave him a really big hug! Snow Bob's cow eyes fluttered, then opened! IT WORKED!!!!! The Dorks returned from work to see the Prandsome Hince and Snow Bob sitting on the Hince's yoga mat, just "chillin'." They drooled over the Prandsome Hince a bit, then went inside to offer the two dudes some food.
While the Dorks were busy cooking insanely, the Prandsome Hince turned to Snow Bob and said, "Dude. I've got this band, right? Seventh Deli? And like, we need somebody to play guitar and sing. You wanna do it?" Snow Bob was overjoyed! This is what he'd ALWAYS wanted to do! So he said, "SURE!" And they got in the purple Prowler convertible and drove off into the sunset.
What? Scared? Oh, fine then! Go back to the thingie!
