*Enter second voice* "No, no, no. That's all wrong. See the story starts before the boy, if fact it starts before the boys parents. So everyone hop into the way-far-back machine, we're going to 1927..."
(Why 1927 you ask? It just seemed like a good year.)
"The year was 1927. A good year for wine, the stock market, and people called flappers. Illegal things were happening everywhere, bootleggers and the mob. But no one really seemed to mind much, as long as it was kept on the down low. Oh yes, people were living high on the hog in those years. Little did they know..ahem, anyway, for two young people living in Upper Saskatchawan, the year was especially good. Their milk farm was doing a profitable business, and so far there were no surprise visits from Columbian drug lords in the middle of the night. Ah yes, life was goooood.
Then one day, something weird happened."
(But then again, doesn't it always?)
Late one night, there was a knock on the door. A loud, persistant knocking that wouldn't go away. This wasn't one of the neighbors wanting to borrow a cup of cornmeal, oh no. This knocker wanted something, and they wanted it NOW. Alberto, one of the young people living in Upper Saskatchawan, got out of bed with a sigh.
"Who is it?? Hello?" The knocking continued. Once again Alberto tried to discern the identity of the knocker who had so rudely awakened him. "What do you want, please? Our office is closed you know."
There was still no answer. Slowly, Alberto opened the door. He didn't see anyone. The door was opened farther when Norma, the other young person living in Upper Saskatchawan and Alberto's wife, came out of the kitchen and inquired as to the name of the rude person at the door. Alberto said that he didn't know. The door was opened still wider. (In case you haven't figured it out yet, the house in Upper Saskatchawan has big ass doors. Huge. Really.) Finally, Alberto stood there in his night cap and longjohns, looking out onto an empty threshold.
"What the f--?" He was cut off my Norma's squeal of "Omigod, it's got to be cutest cuddlywuddlyest little thing I've ever seen! Yes it is! Yes it is! Who's a cuddlywuddly little thing? Yes you are, yes you are! Oooh, Alberto, look at this cuddlywuddly little thing! Isn't he adorable?"
"Yeah.." said Alberto. "He's downright cuddly. And wuddly too. What are you going to do with that thing? I hope it's housebroken. Oh who gives a rat's a--"
Again he was cut off by Norma. "Alberto! Shh. Not in front of the baby! What'll we call him? Alberto? Alberto! Alberto James Boyd-Rogers! How can you even think about sleeping at a time like this? There's so much to do!"
With a shrug of his shoulders, Alberto continued his slow, sleepy shuffle back to the bedroom, leaving Norma with a very young, but very content baby. (Fear for this child, oh yes..)
Norma took Baby CuddlyWuddly into the kitchen with her. She had more accounting to do before she could go to bed. And she had to think of a name for this cute CuddlyWuddly little thing. Because as much as she loved it, CuddlyWuddly would not make a good name after the boy started school. Norma began to ponder names, good baby names. A name that would serve the child well for the rest of his life.
She called him Torrence Horatio Adding Machine Dilbert Boyd-Rogers.
(I told you to fear for the kid, didn't I?)
Early the next morning....
"What in tarnation is that AWFUL stench?? Norma, did you burn my hash again?"
Norma looked at Alberto like he had lost his mind. Didn't he remember last night, finding Torrence on the stoop? As Alberto continued to bellow about her lack of cooking skills, she realized he must not recall the evening at all. Men.
"Alberto, you found a baby on the stoop..." Norma began to explain. "I brought it in, you went back to bed, and I stayed up most of the night trying to figure out what to call him. Meet the newest member of the family: Torrence Horatio Adding Machine Dilbert Boyd-Rogers." And she held the baby up, as if for inspection. Alberto just nodded, replyed with a grunt, grabbed his milking stool and headed out to the barn. "Oh well," sighed Norma. "Another day another dollar. And at least I have you to keep me company now, don't I you CuddlyWuddly little thing? Yes I do, yes I do..."
Torrence grew up like most boys in Upper Saskatchawan did. He learned how to milk the family cows before he learned how to walk. He learned the proper way to process milk before he could talk. And he could make change from selling milk before he knew what "change" was.
Then something else weird happended.
It was Torrence's eighth birthday. He had the cake and the candles and the presents. (A cow from his parents, a milking stool from his teacher...the list goes on, you get the idea.) Everything went off as an eight year olds party should. Even the clown didn't get laughs. (This is normal.) Later that night was a different matter though. Torrence ran to his mother and complained of a headache. Then before her eyes, he grew.
And we do mean GREW.
He just turned eight, yet somehow he now inhabited the body of a 25 year old man. Norma turned to Daddy Alberto to shed some sort of light on this very strange turn of events. But just like that night eight years before, he turned and with a shrug of his shoulders, went back into the bedroom.
Norma was left to deal with a very confusing situation all by herself. Bottles of milk she could do, but this...this was completly new territory. However, it looked as though she didn't have to worry. Torrence was going along as if everything was fine. But then again, maybe he just hadn't realized yet....
"Torrence...honey...um. Sweetie? What just happened here, because mommy is just a little confused and I'm not really sure what to do because it's all just so strange and and..oh god help us all, I have a giant for a son."
Torrence turned to his mother. "It's okay mom. I know what's happening. It's because of who my real parents are." Norma gasped in shock. They had never told Torrence about that night when they found him. How could he know? "I know you're probably wondering how I know that you aren't my biological parents and I don't have an answer for you. I just...know. I do know what I need to do now though. And my mission will take me to places far away, and probably busy and dangerous. A bustling metropolis perhaps? Wish me luck mother. I'm off to fulfill my destiny. I'm off to become...."
THAT-Man!!!!!!!!!
(Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner..)
So, wish me luck. I'll call you, okay?" And with that, he flew out through the chimney.
Coming soon: THAT-Man Returns, followed shortly by THAT-Man Forever. (And maybe THAT-Man 2000?)
