diary.of.a.sufferer: what.it.feels.like

Below are diary entries from a good friend of mine. Emily not only suffers from anorexia nervosa and bulimia, but has also has a past history of sexual abuse and alcohol problems. I hope that from reading her entries they show just how destructive eating disorders are, but also give a sense of hope for recovery. I must warn you, though, that some things she says can be triggering. I have blocked out all numbers, but to be on the safe side, use your own judgement before fully reading an entry...

NEWS - I received many emails wondering just what happened to Emily since her entries did not show up past May. Around late August I contacted her mother and found out that she was hospitilized around mid-June and she did not have access to a computer. However, Emily returned to Washington and to her new apartment right before college started once more for her, and I have spoken to her since. She will keep in touch and send something out as soon as she can. =)









5/25/99

Hello again everyone,

I apologize for not writing something in sooner. A few things happened over the past couple months that set me back from being able to get on here.

First off, yes, the ED has been getting worse but that's solely my fault. From finals I slacked off totally on concentrating towards my "goal calories" as Mary (my T) calls them. Half the time I was so buzzed on a disgusting mixture of coffee, licorice with mustard (told you it was nasty), and the outside crusts of pop-tarts that I didn't even notice just how warped my eating had gotten until I fell back into bulimic patterns. When I had to list what I had been eating for the past few weeks at a therapy session during the time that I was bingeing and purging I realized just how weird I had gotten, but that's livin' la vida loca for you. For the month of April and this month, May, I had to cut down the amount of time that I see Mary to only once a month in comparison to once every week. We haven't set up a contract or anything that 'requires' me to see her a certain amount of time or else I'm going to get a spanking, and she thinks I'm doing pretty good, so my idea worked out. To tell you the truth I just had to get out. We started getting into some heavy abuse issues that typically brought up a lot of bad flashbacks and believe me, I did not need that on top of finals and then having to visit my folks soon after. Since the eating has gone to hell, though, I know she'll know exactly what I've been doing when I see her the first week I come back to Washington (I'm visiting family right now), and that surprisingly scares me. Usually I've been able to just roll all the other therapists off my back, but because this woman actually knows what she's doing I'm not afraid of failing her, but at the same time I 'can't' fail the eating disorder. BAH! :P
The second mischievous thing that I got myself into was a broken wrist. >:/ I was in my dorm room actually getting some sleep when someone came down the hall screeching and scared the living bejeezus out of me. I fell out of bed only my arms were sprawled out in front of me and boom, I landed directly on one wrist and broke it. Fortunately it was my left one, but that posed a challenge considering I had 10 f-ing papers to type up for my classes because of finals. *Rrrgghh* The wrist is doing much better, though. The break wasn't that bad, which surprised me considering my last bone density test showed that my bones aren't exactly as strong as stones, but never the less I guess I got lucky.

As of right now I'm sitting here at my parent's house visiting for the weekend, which as you can imagine is going 'wonderfully'. Actually, things weren't as bad as I had expected when I came in on Friday. I got to stick around by myself and work on my own little projects, but today things have gone down hill due to my mother going into another "crazed" mood and snapping at the littlest things. I almost have to gag myself to keep from laughing because when she gets like this because she constantly talks about how moody I am and how weird I get, when she's the one smoking like a chimney and drinking 10 pots of coffee a day going biserk over petty things like her water not being cold enough when she takes it out of the refrigerator (which is always my fault that it's not cold enough, by the way). And they wonder what's wrong with me. I know I cannot be alone with my frustration here...

On a lighter note, I've got my summer affairs planned out pretty well and hopefully I'll have a few nice months ahead of me (as if I deserve them, ha). Before I left I had been looking at apartments so that I could get out of the dorm lifestyle and I've almost made my decision. I can either pick from one style which is kind of attic-like or I can go with option numero deus and stick with the apartment that's a more modern, New Yorkish style type thing. The attic-like one has different angled ceilings and a few winding stairs all in front of a nice park, or I can go towards the NYish one that has a small walk out porch in front of more complexes and streets. Both are equally nice and at a decent price, but I'm trying to filter out which one will be the safest since I'm paranoid about that...

When I think about it now, it's not only the safety aspect that is draggin' me down, but also the fact that I'm trying to be *ahem* normal and being around a lot of people will, I think, help me regain some sort of reality. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself? I don't know, but at least this way I'll have plenty of neighbors of all different ages and ethnicity and not be so isolative since I'm curious about my new found ~freedom~ so-to-speak. Ah well, that does it for now, I guess. I'm sure I'll have my decision made on the apartments done by the I get back to Washington on Monday, so I'll let you guys know which one it is and I'll update you on the things going on between the therapist and me.

Yours in insanity, =)
Emily

3/25/99

Hey everyone...

I guess I should introduce myself to get started. I'm Emily, 19, and go to school in Washington state, but I travel to California for visits with family. Currently I've suffered from anorexia/bulimia since I was about 14 or so. I tend to veer between one ED to the other. Last year I was a hard-core bulimc but I have slipped more into anorexic patterns ever since I went away to college (which I hear is common to have happen). Hmmm... I guess what triggered the ED and everything was a particular family member that sexually abused me when I was 10 until I was 13. The abuse finally stopped when I broke down crying in school one day and what had been going on just tumbled out of me. It took awhile for my mother to accept what was going on, and as she stayed in her own little world, I found my own world - one of eating disorders. Ever since then I've been stuck in these cycles. Typically, I don't know any other way besides puking and starving to deal with pain or flashbacks or any of that. Sure I've gotten counceling, and I admit that it has helped some, but the fact that my family still has doubts over my "story" regarding the abuse doesn't help me with this, and actually, a part of me doesn't even want to let go of all of this misery. So, the ED has made a home in me and isn't moving out anytime soon, thanks to me.

Right now I waitress at a local food restaraunt while studying psych and all of that good stuff. It's not a bad job, but the manager is as usual an asshole and some of my teachers could care less about teaching correctly, which all just makes my life easier. :P Dorm room life is the same - not bad, but still "bad". I can basically give you directions to the rooms of and the stats on every girl here that I "know" has an eating disorder, which I know is pathetic but there is always that need to just keep track of everyone. To know and make sure that you are the lowest, or at least just have something to strive to be (what an accomplishment). Figures I can't stive to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner, but ah well.

Therapist appointments are always on Tuesdays, if I *remember* to go. My counselor, Mary, is a pretty nice woman but I think she tries to hard. Either that or I'm just a real prick to have to deal with. The main problem is I hate having to go over all of these issues that I've already talked about. I mean, how many times do I have to go over the same shitty feelings that go with the abuse, and why is my so called alcohol dependency an issue? I don't drink more than the average college student, and I'm not starving myself 24/7 (which is better than before), so why do I have to write down every single thing that I do? It's all just the same psych-babble that I've heard over and over.

Anyways, just thought I would drop a note about me... Alex has been cool enough to let me use this as my "diary", and I hope in some weird mishapened way that it helps someone out there to let them know they aren't as crazy as they think. ;o) Adios 'till next time..

~Emily