The drive had been too long for Mom and being she was in so much pain her and Dad decided to stop in Radium to overnight.This is where she would make her final choice to go on chemo again or not.
Monday and I received a phone call,"Tracy I have some news to share with you." My reply was,"The cancer is back isn't it Mom"..."Yes" she replied.
There was no silence after that statement only the details followed.The Doctors wanted her to have chemo treatments once a week indefintly.Mom told me about what was happening to Dad's Sister who has lung cancer and is suffering herself with weekly chemo treatments.With this info Mom had made the choice to not undergo chemo anymore.From this time on she would take back her life and instead of going for how long she could live,she would opt for living her life to the fullest no matter how long she has.
Nothing about cancer is easy.Nothing about what it does to a victim of it or a family member is easy.Each step the cancer patient takes the family and close friends walk with them..side by side.Each tear they shed in pain is felt as a whole from all those involved.Prayers are what are required for those suffering..and support of a loving heart and healing word is all thats needed at these times.
Lady Sunshine
April 16/2000
As you can see its been a couple of months since I sat down and wrote an update on my diary page.
Life does tend to get busy and problems do seem to come up when you don't expect them.
Two weeks ago my Mom went in for a bone scan,mostly due to the fact the pain she had before and durring chemo had not gone away.Even though the Doctor's say she is in remission she shouldn't be in this much pain still.
We were hoping for the results of that test last week,but the test results from the first bone scan Mom had while on chemo were some how not forwarded to the Doctor so he could compare results.
Both test results need to be compared to have some idea of whats going on.I was waiting for those results befor updating this page,but today I felt the need to write.
Its funny how life just goes on when you have a loved one your worried about.And with it you need to deal with things that sometimes feel so trival.Mind you my Sister-in-law's(my baby brother's wife)problem with her pregnancy isn't trival its a real concern.
She has been on bedrest for 3 weeks now due to her high blood pressure and the feeling is that the baby may have to be taken 3 weeks early.Which really isn't too bad..but does give us cause for concern.
Life at home has been a real hoot and a half.My oldest son aka oldest Heathen found himself in more trouble over the past few month by throwing snowballs at school.The only saving grace here was that Spring was right around the corner and the snow would melt.But like all things life has away of throwing you a curve ball and descided it wasn't done snowing just yet LOL.
So now we deal with more snow that is melting and making a big mucky mess.
Normally at this time when hubby is on vacation I go to visit my Mom.But this year opted not to.Mom has a bad habit of overdoing when she is expecting company and the last thing I wanted her to do is feel she had to clean and entertain me while I was there.So I figured I would go visit her when its warmer out and we could sit on her patio and talk while I was there,and relax.Plus by that time the new baby will be here and I could see my new nefew.
I've been thinking about things lately due to the fact a friend of my husbands that he went to school with died only a couple of weeks ago from cancer.
I've watched so many people lately with this illness and how they dealt with their pain,and problems with it.I've learned that most if not all come to a choice that its either "life" or "meds" after awhile.When they choose "life" they do it with gusto and live life to the fullest.Its the memories they make durring that time that live the brightest after they leave us.
But what I question is,"Why can that not be everyday?".I think the answer is that we as a whole deal with day to day struggles and feel we will live forever.Only after we have been told we are sick do we put things into perspective.
So if I can learn anything by the suffering of a loved one its that whether your sick or not do your best to treasure every moment...not just the select few that stand out durring a busy week.
When a child hands you a picture he made at school and says its for you with a smile and then adds,"Oh yah you have to pay me for that" smile and hand the money over.
LOL my youngest son is saving for a Nintendo..deal is he has to save for it,so I smiled,laughed and then dug deep in my purse for quarter and handed it over to him.To which he carried it off with pride and dropped it into his jar.
Little things in the end are big memories.
Lady Sunshine
Feb 25/2000
Well its been a long time since I wrote here,most of you probably thought the worst and that Mom had passed away.
Nope she is still here but let me fill you in on what has been happening..it a tad confusing.
Durring the past month we heard the chemo wasn't working,that perhaps Mom would not recover.And with the complications of her actual treatments and the IV problems it was understandable.Her blood counts were low and things seemed to be getting harder for her.
Mom and Dad felt it was time to come for a visit to see the grandsons.And with that visit it was a chance for Mom and I to talk once again.She had made the choice that if the next set of blood work came back and it wasn't good she was going to stop chemotherapy.But since she only had two more to go in the end she chose to take them.We..meaning the family..had come to the conclusion that this could be the end of chemo working and we would all have to deal with what was to come next.
I had felt that I should wait before writting anything more here because I wanted to be clear on what Mom's outcome would be..after all this is a site called "Rays of Hope" not "Rays of Doubt".
Today was the last chemo treatment and with it the blood test's were done and it turns out the chemo had worked!!.
MOM IS NOW IN REMISSION!!!
I was telling a friend on ICQ the good news,her reply was,"She's very lucky" she was right to a point.Luck was not involved,power of prayer and God's will not our own has given Mom this extra time.Sure we give meds in hopes that it will cure or help in some way.But in all things God is the one in control not us.We can struggle and fight to survive but in the end we all get tired and have to go toward peace and no pain.
But for now God has given Mom a while longer to be with us.We still have the choice to waste the time or embrace it ...I chose to embrace the time and to hold tight to my Mom for as long as God allows.
Now this will not be the end of this site,cancer has not been cured and until that happens this site will continue.There will be more helpful pages added to the site..but in those pages will always be.."Rays of Hope"...hang on my friends...for if you give up..so do your loved ones that are sick.Heal them with love,kind words threaded with strength of will.And always rely on God..for He is the one who created you and will one day take you home.
Lady Sunshine
Jan 9/2000
Are you ready for a pity party? For some strange reason I am feeling really bummed out today. I guess alot of things have been going through my head lately and I need to write them out.So be prepared.
With the music on this page it gets me thinking..ever had music do that to you? bet you have *S*.When I was married I never had a big fancy white wedding.Jeff and I were married when I was 17 and married by the local JP.I've watched as others in the family have had the big weddings and can't help but think how much I have denied my Mother.I'm the only daughter and it must have hurt her so much for me to just have been married at the courthouse.Don't get me wrong tears were shed for our happiness but I still feel like it would have been a dream come true for Mom to have seen her daughter married in a church in a long white wedding gown..sort of a fairy tale I guess.
I never finished school either.I left school when I was half way through grade 8/9(meaning I had failed half my courses in grade 8 and passed half of them as well). There was alot going on at home that isn't meant for this site right now.And that sort of contributed to my leaving home and school as well.I pay for it every day through crumby spelling but then no one is perfect.
I think when I look back on things the only thing I ever did right was not have my oldest son before my Mom and Dad got to the hospital LOL...like I had control over that LOL. When I knew I was in labor I called my Mom in Calgary and told her.Because she had only 4 hrs of labor with me she thought she wouldn't make it before the baby was born..oooops sorry Mom LOL..we are talking "Tracy's life" here not yours LOL. I started labor at 1 am in the morning and didn't have my son till 5:12pm that day.So when Mom arrived at the hospital the nurse showed them in to the room and I was having contractions!! Yup still hadn't had Jeremiah at that time and poor Mom had to see me in pain.But on the upside she was there to see her first Grandson born.
I think when your parent,child,or spouse has a health problem you look back on your life with them and start picking out things you had or had not done to let them down.Its not something you want to come to your mind,after all you should be focusing on them and not being selfish..regreting things now is sort of too late.But you are after all a human being and have feelings as well.One of which is regret in not doing more than you had.
I am always battling within myself to try and focus on my Mother and my family..their feelings before mine.But no matter how hard I try I still have moments of "why didn't I do that" or "why did I do that". Its funny how when you have the moment in time to make a person happy when your young you choose to be selfish and think of only yourself.But youth is fickle...you feel you will never age and that the world revolves around you...until something drastic happens and wakes you up.
The reason I write my feelings here is because I want others who are going through this to know what you are feeling is normal.Don't try and anylize it..just go with it.Don't deny your feelings,you need to vent,you need to cry,and you need to have moments of reflection.Nothing about what is happening is easy.But to be strong for the ones you love you have got to find some way of dealing with your feelings,this way you can move on,grow and become stronger to support those around you.
I talked to Mom yesterday,and she seems to be doing fine.Its been a week since her last chemo treatment and I tend to not bother her much durring the first week.She is tired and sick and needs to rest,so I wait till she calls and get updates then.
I want to take this chance to again thank all of you who have signed the guestbook here and also who have sent personal email to me.Your support and my home family support is giving me strength to make it day by day.Thank you once again for all your prayers.
Lady Sunshine
Jan 4/2000
Well a new year..HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
I'm a tad slow in these diary updates LOL..Seems to take me more than a day to get myself primed for writting..perhaps I should rename this page to,"Lady Sunshine's whenever she gets around to writting it Diary" LOL.
Let see now after having that problem with Mom's hand she missed two chemotherapy treatments due to infections and low blood counts.As of New Years Eve she started back on them only to have the samething happen to her other hand.So with that said both hands of hers are now sore,the old wound is healing but now she is dealing with a new wound to her other hand.A bright note though,it seems the Doctors feel she may be in remission!!.Mom will go on the 1st of Feb for tests to see if that is so.
Now the family is trying hard not to get too excited just incase there is problems.If she is in remission she will face the next 5 years 3 months at a time for awhile.Tests will be done every 3 months to see if the cancer is still being held at bay.Personally I plan on making sure she lives well during those times.I've been busy making a guestroom in my home so when her and Dad come to visit they can stay with us.I know Mom misses her grandsons very much and I think it would be great when she's feeling up to it to wake up to their smiling faces in the morning.On the other hand it may end up their faces are covered with oatmeal LOL.
On a side note I am so pleased this site has been recieving awards.Its wonderful to know the site is being seen and all the hours of work I have put into it are not in vein.I have never in my life studied as much as I have since my Mom was told she had cancer. I've got notes all over my desk and my Hubby can't even figure out how I deal with it all.I admit its a mess..but an organized one LOL.
I've been asked by a few people that if Mom is in remission will I stop doing this site.The answer is NO!!..This site from what I have heard from others is a valuable site.I guess my "everyday" language on here makes it easy for others to understand.I know when I was told about Mom I looked all over for support in dealing with this.I found only the Cancer Share Care available to me and with them help in answering questions.So I feel more of these sites need to be put up so people like myself can get easy to understand answers,and perhaps a shoulder to cry on.Its not easy but with friends it makes the burden lighter.
Lady Sunshine
Dec 15/99
Well its been awhile since I wrote..mostly I think due to Christmas coming up and things happening at home.Let see if I can put into words about whats been going on with my Mom.
Mom has gotten more and more tired due to the chemotherapy drugs they are using.Because of the combo of the strongest ones they can give her,she is unable to use drugs to help her fatigue.This month has brough High notes and low notes.The high note is that the chemo is working..low note is that due to an IV that was placed wrong..under the skin and not into a vein,Mom's hand now is infected.She has also developed ulcers in her mouth.She is on antibotics and those are working..slowly.She goes for her next chemo treatment on the 17th.
My Brother and his wife Shannon went over to Mom and Dad's on the weekend in hopes of bringing a bit of Christmas spirit to Mom's home.Mom kindly declined.It worries me that Mom hasn't gotten into the Christmas Spirit.But because she is so tired and has trouble even standing right now,I can understand her lack of spirit when it comes to Christmas.
I have to say though that even though the internet is filled with odd people who seem uncaring at times..and are only after their own selfish needs,there are those that shine above the rest.This Christmas my Mother is recieving Christmas cards from friends I have made on the net.And she has heard me talk about those people but never really put them into a "real" life focus.This time though with well wishes..prayers..and hopes for a Happy New Year she is seeing that not just her family cares about her,but countless numbers of people out here on the net are pulling for her as well.
With each card that she recieves and with each word she speaks to me about them it makes me realize that people no matter who they are have the ability to cause a trickle effect of love and hope.
Nothing in this world can prepare you for a child or Parent to be sick.Some how it makes you feel out of control.You have no power to fix anything all you can do is standby and hope and pray things will turn out ok.But it makes it easier to know that people not just around you,but world wide are praying for healing as well...and for a brighter future.
Christmas..I asked the Lord to grant me a wish..my wish was that I would have at least one more Christmas to spend with my Mom..and even though we won't be together this year..she is alive still..and thats all that counts right now.But with that said,I know I am ready to accept God's will no matter what it will be for the year 2000.Its been a hard year all around,so many things took place here in my home.But we have each other and in the end what is this life without someone to care about and to love and know you are loved through sickness and health.
Lady Sunshine
Nov 8/99
A new month and here I am a week and a day into it and just adding something here...boy I really need to get my butt in gear!!
Well Mom had her second chemotherapy treatment and is now feeling some long bone pain as well as the emotional swings of the chemo combined with the problem with her adrienal gland.
She called me yesterday crying from the pain and from the worry about Dad and of course dwelling on her hair loss.
What I have come to realize with supporting someone with cancer is that you can not fall into emotion when dealing with them.You have got to get them to focus on facts.How many more chemo treatments do they have left? 2 down 6 more to go! When your hair grows back you will finally see its natural color! or may be it will be a different color all together!! Virgin hair!! Making them laugh when they are down is the most important thing!! as my wise friend DaintyRed says "Cancer hates a happy host!" and this is something I am trying to get my Mom to realize.
Depression can be the downfall of cancer patients.As a friend or family member you have got to be their cheering section...you have got to do all you can to bring them out of a pitty party they may be having.Granted the pitty party is something they deserve..but to long at that party and you can't get them to stand up and fight!!
What I have done is to talk to my Mother in a matter of fact way when dealing with her chemotherapy...facts in a loving tone. I told her I will not cry about this if I do it means I have given up hope.But I did tell her that if the time comes for her to say enough I will stand by her choice. There may or may not come a time to say enough...but I feel as a child your parents will endure so much pain for you just so you don't suffer.As a child the greatest gift to a parent is to say its ok...I love you...and I don't want you in this pain anymore...I give you permission to say its enough.
Now don't get me wrong here I am not giving up on my Mom..I love her more than anything but she needs to know where I stand. The family seems to think of me as the logical one...fact hun...just the facts.But what they don't know is in my private moments how much I hurt for my Mom and what she is going through.But the hardest thing a child has to face is when their parent is dealing with something and there is nothing they can do but sit and watch and pray. Its up to her in the end...all we can do is cheer her on and hope and pray for the best...but be prepared for the worst so we can stand united in the end and show her how much she means to all of us and will never be forgotten.
Lady Sunshine
Oct 29/99
YIKES not much of a diary if I don't write in it everyday LOL.
On Oct 23rd I went to see my Mom in Calgary. I guess I have been sort of avoiding writting anything here because I needed time to put my thoughts in order.The whole thing wore me out.I had taken the bus at 6:30am in the morning and arrived in Calgary at 12:50pm. I HATE BUS RIDES!! my back always hurts when I get off the bus.When I got off the bus and seen Dad it was like slow motion..I walked to him and just hugged him.I didn't know what to say..it had been a year since I had seen him and Mom.I know they only live 5 hours(by car not the darn bus) but with hubby's work and the kids I just couldn't get away till then.
We chatted a bit in the car and Dad said he was going to go to A&W I told him to pick Mom up some chicken chunks.I had learned so much from those I talk to on the net that have or had cancer.One of the many things they had told me was that Chicken,Turkey and Pork have the most flavor when on chemo.
We got to Mom and Dad's house and the walk to the elevator was really hard..in a few seconds I would see my Mom..I wasn't sure what to expect.I had always come to count on the fact my Mom would meet me at the door...this time was different.
We walked in and I seen my Mom in a high green wing backed chair(the one I had always wanted :)She looked like my Grandmother.She was shaking from the morphine and looked so different.She had always prided herself on looking just so...and the house was to be just so.Mom had her hair in butterfly clips..she wore a pair of read slacks and a white and silver blouse.Her hair had turned grey from not dying it anymore.I fought back the tears and went over and held her..told her I loved her..when I straightend up I could see tears in her eyes as she said,"Oh Tracy I am so glad your here"..I held her face between my hands and leaned over and kissed her cheek..."Its ok Mom I'm here now..relax"
Dad left to go get lunch and we talked(Dad's like that...I get there and he goes out for a bit to give us time to catch up). It was hard to start talking ...so the subject of the kids was brought up.Then Mom said,"Tracy you know I love you don't you? we have been through so much together..and we will get through this too..we are strong women and we can fight this"..I answered her and said,"Mom I know you love me..don't ever doubt that..and remember I love you to with all my heart.I just don't know what I would do with out you in my life.Your my tie to this family..I was here before Dad(this Dad is a step Dad..and a wonderful one..Mom is truely bless by him in her life) and Jason(my 1/2 brother and I are 9 years apart).
Through the whole visit I didn't shed a tear.I watched as every 4 hours my Mom took morphine and she sat in that chair with a bag of frozen peas or corn on her back. I watched her has she ran her fingers through her hair checking to see if any was coming out yet..and smiling when she seen nothing.I watched as she walked in pain to make sure she didn't stiffen up by sitting too long...and I watched as she took naps which seemed like every other hour.
Since my Mother's first chemo treatment which had been 9 days prior to when I had arrived there,she had not washed her hair for fear it would fall out.But when she found out I was coming to see her she told me she waited till I got there to finally wash it.She made it through that session of washing her hair..and even though I seen a few hairs come out I said nothing.I just smiled along with her hopping I was wrong in what I was thinking and this time Mom would be one of those that kept their hair.
Which brings us to today.Yesterday my sister-in-law emailed me worried they hadn't been able to contact Mom and Dad..I said I had tried to call earlier..no answer.I told her I think Mom had lost her hair and didn't want to see or talk to anyone.Well both Jason and I were thinking the samething...and it was true.Mom called lastnight and it was true..her hair is coming out.So Dad and her were off to get wigs today.
As for me? well I sit by my computer and phone waiting for the next piece of news.And while I wait I gather more info for you in hopes of clearing somethings up for you when it comes to Chemotherapy and also how to cope when your loved one has cancer...or if you yourself have cancer.My foundest hope is that the cure will be found in time and that no more of my family or yours face this ever again.
Lady Sunshine
Oct 20/99
Well its been a couple of days since I wrote anything on the site.I guess I am coming to terms with whats happening to my Mom and not trying to fight a battle thats not mine.Both Mom and I and for that matter the rest of the family,are learning to fight this in their own way.Its not a matter of fighting the battle of cancer for those family members of the one with cancer.Its learning that there is nothing you can do but pray and have faith things will turn out for the best.
The chemo kicked in on Monday,and with it Mom had a fever and was very sick.Tuesday she went for a bone scan.She's still feeling sick but not throwing up(at least that I know of).I try my best to call her each day or have her call me when she's up to it.The most important thing to me right now is that she knows that I love her.When Granny was sick I never got to tell her enough..I know she knew that I loved her,but I wished I could have told her one more time. Regrets...we never seem to get to a point where there is none.I mean I find myself thinking of all the times when I was younger how I treated my Mom...I was like most teens and didn't care about anyone else's feeling but my own.When you go out on your own and perhaps have children of your own,you learn fast all the things your parents tried hard to tell you and teach you.It becomes valued advice you never thought you would ever use.
I have gotten to a point where I am worn out and because of that alot of my online work is suffering.So I am going to be taking the month of November off.I plan on making sure this site is kept up to date and also the webring gets going full force.I am so suprised at how much email I have been getting and also finding others like myself searching for a place for support.Really this isn't easy dealing with a family member thats sick.You have no one to talk to and those you have called friends either at home or on the net,find it hard to talk to you.Its a given your thoughts are not focused on work or friendship building...its on the one thats sick.You try over and over again to shake the thoughts of death but its hard.
So I have come to a point with my so called withdrawl from things on the net where I am focusing attention on my home and family.Which have suffered due to my downward spiral to try and cope.And because of that I have alot of work to catch up on to make things normal again for my family.
I was reminded again by a friend at home how the internet is not a job..well it is if you make money..which I do..but I have a family that needs me and no matter how much I want to help my Mother I need to make sure my children and Hubby's life is not effected..or at least not to the point of no return.And so I start a time chart...so much on the internet..so much at home..and then if I still have time I will think about how I can help my Mother.But I have children of my own and a Hubby...they come first then the Family I grew up with.
Lady Sunshine
Oct 13/99
I haven't been writting much the last couple of days. I find myself consumed with the thought of not being able to help my Mom.Today though was the first time she went to the cancer clinic to review her options. When she called me after she had returned I could tell she had been crying...she tries so hard to cover it up...but I could tell. So I asked her what had happened...and took notes.
I guess in my own odd way I feel like I should do my best to go through this with her.If she's worring then so am I...if she's hurting so am I...and if she's scared so am I. Everytime I hear a quiver in her voice tears stream down my face ..if there was anyone in this world that could honestly say they loved their Mother heart and soul...I guess that would be me. She's my whole world,she's scarificed so much for me and if I could take this pain from her and bear it myself I would before your next heartbeat.
The Doctors are going to give her mega doses of Chemotherapy starting this Friday.Man each time I even write or think those words I cry.They will give her 4 hours of Chemo on Friday and then she has 3 weeks off...then again another 4 hours of Chemo and again three weeks off...so this will go on for a total of 5 treatments.They are not going to operate on the tumor and I guess for now they will leave the herna she has as well.Lord she is in so much pain I just wished they would give her something for the pain!!
She hasn't been sleeping so I guess because of the side effect of Chemo she will at least sleep.But what a trade off.
I told her today how much she means to me as well. She said that if something happens I have my StepDad and my Brother and his Wife. I of course have my Hubby and my kids.But I have only had one Mother and I was with her before my Stepdad and before my brother(we are 9 years apart).My God what a journey we have had together I just pray we'll have alot more adventures once this is all done. My little thread of hope that I hang on to each day is stretched so thin right now...but its holding and for now so am I...in my mind to my Mother for dear life...hers
Lady Sunshine
Oct 10/99
Today was a productive day!! I can't believe all the info I found out about Chemotheropy.I talked to my Doctor and looked at websites...compared sites to other sites for info and even looked in books.I have to admit I am not much of a student but if something is important to me I dig and search till I find out all the facts.I guess I'm hoping that when Mom has a question I will be able to answer her.And also when someone comes to the site they may find an answer to their questions.
Today I had some help setting up what I hope will be a webring to help those with loved ones sick with cancer.I can't thank Babs for helping me with that enough.So many people are emailing me and icqing me asking me to set something up.I am so suprised at some of the rings out there. I searched and found a few but the problem is that the links lead to nothing,they don't work anymore.And I am sure people feel like I do..confused as to how they should be feeling...what they should be doing...and what do they do now?. I'm hoping that once I figure out what to do that perhaps I can really help others with this.No one should have to deal with this alone.Not even the family members of the ones that are sick.
I've actually managed not to cry today...but I've still had my mind on Mom.LOL when I put a ham in the oven I couldn't help but feel like Mom was looking over my shoulder..checking to see what I was doing to it LOL.Funny I often feel like my Granny is with me in the kitchen as well.Sometimes I can even smell her perfume..brings back wonderful memory's of her.I miss her so much..the way she would greet me when I walked into her home,"Come here Chicky and give Granny a kiss"...wish those day where still here..no one cooks like her..or cheats at cards like her!!
(((((((Granny's Memory lives in my heart always)))))
Lady Sunshine
Oct 9/99
Well its offical..I am worn out.I took a nap today...well I didn't intend to it just happened LOL. I went and cuddled with hubby for a bit watching T.V at 1pm and fell asleep.He tried to wake me up but no go...I slept till almost 5:30pm.So much has happen over the last 3 months I guess it caught up to me.
When I got up and looked at my email I had a wonderful suprise.Cari aka Ducki had given this site an award.Her kind words touched me made me cry. I guess I never think anything I do is worthy of an award.I make graphics daily for people...give them away free and clear..no strings attatched.I guess its my way of helping others.I remember when I first started out on the net and had no clue what I was doing.My sister-in-law helped me so much...she asked nothing in return.I also remember Angel helping me learn about graphics and she asked nothing in return as well. So I figured it was the least I can do for others to help them on their way.
The egroup I run "Just Be You" has been so supportive towards me as have the members in Net Sisters and Sisters of the Golden Moon.It really makes you think when times like these happen just who you can count on.I've made a few friends at the IRC cancer chat as well.And of course my friends on the icq Shauna,AngelCat and so many more.
Life is getting back to normal around the house...kids are fighting,meals are back to normal...for now..and I'm not crying as much as I was.
I still find though my thoughts are on my Mom daily...and my family.I truely wish I could hold my Mom as she did with me when I was sick.When I had spinal menigitius(sp?) when I was little,I remember her tears,her concern,her being there as much as she could with me so I wasn't lonely. Truely the hardest two jobs in the world are being a Mother...and a daughter.You always worry...your tears are shed for so many reasons ranging from Happiness for another..to the fears and sadness of others as well.
I'm not sure where I heard it from but its said that God tells the Angels to bottle the tears of women...because each tear is filled with a woman's heart...women wear their hearts on their sleave...gets us in trouble at times...but also shows how deeply a woman can love.
Lady Sunshine
Oct 8/99
Had a rough night last night..I guess I am starting to loose my coping skills. I can't rationlize anything anymore...how I feel...what I should feel....if I should feel anything. I went to the IRC Cancer room to chat with the people there..one Lady took me aside and helped me to understand that I needed to just cry...that I had a right to be upset...even mad..even though I don't feel mad...just scared.
I guess I'm lucky...I have alot of people on my icq watching over me..checking in on me and so on.Some have even been kind enough to send me email cards and letters.There are a couple of people that want to send things to my Mom as well.
I went to a site lastnight that makes ribbons for you. I made one in honor of my Mom and her fight that she has ahead of her.I'm hoping others will place it on their pages..even if they don't know my Mom...at least to in a selfish way show support for me if they know me.This is going to be so hard to deal with but if they take the ribbon at least I know they came to the site.
I've spent the last week on the net searching for links...searching for info...and searching for webrings and groups to join for support through this.I have to admit there really isn't much in the way of support for people who are family members of the one with cancer.The ones that I have found are really good ...I hope to find more. I think if I can add webrings to my site it may help someone in the future who is going through this.
Mom called lastnight as well.She talked to Jeremiah but he couldn't stand still so I know that its whats happening to his Granny thats bothering him.What I am concerned about is once the chemo happens and Mom looks different how are the kids going to react to her? I've tried hard to explain things to them but really they are little and seeing is what will cut deep into their minds.
I'm finding that I am forgetting alot of daily things I need to do. I even forgot my phone number when I left a msg for Mom lastnight. I have no clue why I am forgetting things..I'm pretty good at remembering all the details of my day. But for some reason I just can't get back into the swing of things like I used to.I suppose its because I have my mind on whats going on with Mom that I can't seem to focus on my daily activities. I worry about her all the time now and that clouds all the other things I need to think about.
This weekend is Thanksgiving...I have baking to do and other things as well.But I know my thoughts will be with Mom. I love my Mom so much and seeing her and everyone else in the family go through this is really hard. But I'm going to take it ...day by day.
Lady Sunshine
Oct 7/99
Well I need a summery of all thats happening so I can focus on the facts.Mom has cancer in her liver,lung,kidney,adrenal gland and also a large tumor the size of two fists together on her ovary.Ok so just how am I supposed to deal with this? I get the news Mom has cancer and now what?Jason has shaved his head for cancer and I made this website.All I can seem to think about is that Mom seems more impressed by what Jason has done than I have.God I am selfish! I mean why should I care what she thinks of what I do to show support as long as I am doing something to show I care.Granted Mom has no clue about the internet so why would she take a second thought to what I am doing.Jason's head shaving is visual and..well Hubby has a point its something she can see and relate to.
Mom wanted info on Shark cartilage yesterday so I found that info out on the net and through a few friends. What I found was that its a farce! now I have to tell my Mom.I am constently trying to figure out how I should feel and deal with all of this.I live 5 hours from her and even though I could drive to see her I can't due to hubby's work and the kids being in school.I feel guilty and confused..I haven't done much in the house the last few days and it shows.I also have to talk with Jeremiah's teacher to help him get over his fears about Granny and other things.Some people on the net think Lady Sunshine should be chipper at all times and this is just another hurdle to jump over and prove how strong she is.Well I have to tell yah no one said I would have to jump this hurdle and it looks a tad high to me..I may need a boost!!.
I've gotten some help from people off the net in regards to how to deal with all this news.But really like my Mom I have to find some kind of balance to deal with this on my own.I mean no one likes to think of loosing their Mother and I am only 33.I have been trying so hard to think and remember all the things she has taught me..if I need help I guess now would be a good time to ask before they start treatments on her.I can't help but worry about Dad and how this must be affecting him as well.He lost his brother last year to cancer and to see his own wife now have it must be a hard thing to deal with as well.Then there is my new sister-in-law.I worry about her as well.She is trying so hard to be the rock in all of this and yet she needs us as well.Being pregnant the first time is scary and it must be hard to not have everyone's happieness for you focused on you when you deserve it.This family has gone through so much the last 3 months...a cousin passes away...another cousin burned in an accident and also Mom's health issues.I just hope we all get through this and Mom comes out healthy.
Lady Sunshine
