When meeting a group of new paddling partners, it’s important to convey an impression of competence and experience. Here is some boating advice to help you make the right impression.

Use styrofoam packing peanuts for flotation. They fit any shaped boat! Don’t use the corn starch ones though—they’ll melt if you dump, what a mess!

Wear radio headset with mouthpiece. Scream for instructions from ‘Houston’ while approaching drops.

Leg holes cut in boat will allow you to conveniently portage ‘Flintstones-style.’

Nerf knife is much safer and less expensive than dangerous steel blade.

Wear a grass sprayskirt. Also wear bikini top made of half- coconut shells and string. This is a good look for men or women.

Antenna balls add a sense of whimsical fun. If you don’t have an antenna, you should get one. You don’t want to get stuck listening to crappy AM radio in remote areas, do you?

Save time getting ready to go paddling by just wearing your pajama bottoms. No one can see your legs anyhow.

Taco Bell chihuahua with springy bobbing head will help you know when you are entering rough water. When chihuahua is upside down— uh oh! So are you!

Getting pinned is no big deal anymore. Just push the ‘Onstar’ button. Roadside help will be there in a couple hours.

Clumping, flushable cat litter gets water out of boat. Just sprinkle and scoop!

An anchor can help you catch a surf if you are having trouble getting on a wave. But tie it on real tight—you don’t want to lose that anchor!

Always shout orders to the ‘engine room’ when changing speed or direction.

Remember that pushing the left pedal in a kayak won’t make it stop. The right pedal makes it go, but don’t be fooled—it was already going anyhow!

Don’t just toss your car keys in a change dish mounted on your boat’s deck. It’s convenient, but it looks messy.

A throw rope is a good way to assist a swimmer, but a harpoon saves them the trouble of hanging on to the rope!

well, at least i cracked myself up ... >:) dave p