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Monday October 4--Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls,
Today, I have been inspired. I have been inspired by madness and
anger, hatred and rage. All for a door.
How, you may ask, can a door cause so much trouble for my simple mind.
It's simple. The door is evil. Many of you know that I live in the
IRC. Some of you know that I live in what we call the "Man Cave."
The cave, for those still unenlightened, is a small hallway in the
first floor of Munford. A small, male hallway in the otherwise female
Munford. Sounds like a great deal you may say. Indeed, in many ways
it is. Except that the door which separates the cave from the first
floor of Munford is the devil.
It all started recently. This door was not always the devil. Given,
we had our fights, like that time when I came home wasted in the wee
hours of the Monday morning before classes, and I somehow ended up on
the wrong side of said door in nothing but my boxers, and without my
ID card, which bears the magic electronic strip that opens this door.
This in a building otherwise inhabited by girls, many in their first
year, including, I think, the one who finally let me back in to my
cave, after, of course, a good and hearty laugh.
But I digress, for this is not the reason the door is the devil. It
was, at that time, only a minor imp of little importance in the grand
scheme of things. It has since been upgraded and promoted. Yes, this
door now includes a motion sensor to unlock it, making it "handicapped
accessible." Note, that the door at the other end of the cave, which
opens out into the open world is also "handicapped accessible," except
for the step on the other side. So someone in a wheel chair exiting
through this door would be in for quite a surprise, seeing this motion
sensing apparatus that, I should point out, DOES NOT OPEN THE DOOR,
but merely unlocks it. Yes, you must still push this door to the
outside world open, a door which you opened before by pushing the
little brass bar across the middle, now you may push anywhere on the
door. But this is not the devil door.
No, the devil door one must pull open. The motion sensor merely means
that you do not have to turn the handle, you must merely pull on it.
I guess they think that us University students are enormously lazy
fucks. We are, as Bill O'Reilly put it, nothing more than "stoned
slackers." I guess the massive amounts of pot we smoke means that
while we can still pull the door open, we cannot, heaven forbid, turn
the handle.
I would also like to point out that a person in a wheel chair, who we
will call Timmy, given the weight of this door, would have a hell of a
hard time pulling it open without, say, rolling forward. Thus Timmy
would have to go through the following steps to open the door: 1.
Approach door. 2. Lock the wheelchair. 3. Pull door. 4. Unlock
wheelchair. 5. Avoid being hit by the door. 6. Roll through the door.
Note that steps 4 through 6 must be completed in approximately 2
seconds.
I know what you are all thinking, that this was a supreme waste of
University funding, but fails to qualify as evil. Agreed, as of now,
it is not yet the devil. The devil is, as many have said, in the
details. Here come the details.
This mechanism squeaks. It does not squeak like a normal door, or a
loose floorboard squeaks. No, it squeaks so loud, and in such a pitch
that the first time I walked through the door after it's promotion
from minor imp to Emperor of the Underworld, I was almost knocked
flat. Yes, this is so loud, and so irritating, that it almost
disabled my motor control. Fortunately, I am strong, and no mere
noise can knock me flat. It just stunned me long enough for the
closing door, which, by the way, opens and closes with a motor now,
knocked me over when it hit me in the ass.
This squeaking, or, as I like to call it, the devil's cry, occurs not
just once, but twice every time this door is operated. Once on the
opening, and a stronger cry on the closing. The devil calling all of
it's imps to come through before the door closes again.
Finally, this is for all of you first years out there who may still
think that UVa Housing is a good and righteous organization. You are
wrong. Given, the parking Nazis are still the true lords of evil
within the university, and ISIS is a close second, Housing is third.
Especially the maintenance department. I have personally filed 2 work
orders on this. The other 5 fine cavemen have all filed at least one
each, several 2. Jill Napier, the woman who runs the IRC has filed
one. Our head resident has filed one. What have these myriad work
orders resulted in? Has the door been fixed? NO. My second work
order was filed this morning, when I checked the system, and
discovered that they thought they had fixed it. So I filed a second
work order at about 7:15 this morning, when I was only up because the
Devil had been opened. The result was that at 7:30, someone came, and
opened and closed the Devil several times to determine that it was, in
fact, loud as fuck. This person than proceeded to knock on my door,
necessitating that I get my ass back out of bed. Did he apologize for
the noise of the door? No. He bitched at me for filing another work
order on this. Because clearly something came out of the other work
orders. So now, it's my fault that he and his housing maintenance
demons won't fix the fucking door. Yes, it's my fault that the Devil
wakes me up every time someone has to enter the cave. He than told me
that someone was "on his way" to fix the Devil. 14 hours later, the
Devil remains broken.
I want to sleep tonight. Is there anyone out there, preferably close
to the IRC, who can take me in? I can't stand another night of this
fucking thing. I've had a headache for a week now. I surrender. The
Devil has beaten me.
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