February 2002

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February 2002 [23] [14] [4]

*****

February 23, 2002 ~ What a weird place I'm in. I feel like I'm still in recovery from events of like a year and a half ago. Things with Kurt, things with Thomas, and the start of college. I guess there were just so many changes so fast. I dunno. So yeah, somehow I'm still in search of something. My identity or place I guess. I don't know. It's some bullshit. Haha. I went through my phase of feeling like maybe image is all fake anyway and maybe I'm just past the point of attaching myself to stuff like that, but that's really not true. I don't feel like I'm growing in the ways I was and the ways I wanna be. I've got great friends. I'm getting better at doing the things I wanna be doing. Things just are congealing and working together yet. Like I feel like things around me aren't helping me in the way I want, I've gotta do it all myself or something, so then I don't. And so I'm never completely satisfied. Or something. I have no idea. Maybe it's just cause I'm still not adjusted to the difference of things here socially. In terms of the structure I guess. I don't know. And I felt like I met some really cool people last semester, thru creative writing and all, and since I'm not taking a class this semester those connections seem to be kind of dead now. I don't know. Blah

So yeah, recently I have the random urge to something stupidly rebellious. Haha. I think I need some excitement or change or something. I've just been wanting to either chop off all my hair, permanently dye it in some way, pierce my eyebrow or start smoking. Haha. Retarded, we shall see.

Onto the next. So, the application for the London program this fall is due in like two weeks. Freaky shit. It looks like it should be really good. The only thing that really freaks me out is the idea of being w/ the same 26 randomly chosen people for 4 months. But it should be awesome. More stuff to get done soon tho. AH!

Oh, and I'm twenty now! So scary! It's so old sounding. I think that's freaking me out a little bit too. So weird so weird. Ah well. My friends threw me a great Hedwig-themed party though, haha. That was highly entertaining. There'll be pictures up soon.

I have lots to talk about so I'm moving on. Haha. I saw Rufus Wainwright here tonight. That was mighty entertaining. His sister's in his band, and his other sister goes to school here, so it was rather laid back and casual, which was cool. He was really funny, twas fun. And he played all the songs I knew, tho there are only 4 of them, so that's not too hard. But it was a highly entertaining show. Good stuff.

And, moving on..... The new page is coming along. Hehe. I think I like it. I really do like this page tho, I think it's pretty, haha. I think the new one's much more professional looking though, and I think the setup will work a lot better. We shall see. I'm very excited by all the new possibilities though. And the opportunity to do all the promoting and stuff I got to do with this one, hehe. That was fun. Get new visitors and such.

Ok, again. Hmm... Damn, what was I gonna say. Oh yeah. But back to the first topic. I think I'm much more myself this year. And I'm slowly coming into my own. I guess I wasn't feeling really good about my place in high school till senior year anyway. I don't know, it's just odd. And I find myself thinking that I'll be done with college relatively soon and looking forward to that, telling myself this is just temporary, but that's a horrible way to be facing the next two and a half years of your life. Especially when you've got such an opportunity to be changing in a really good way. Ugh. Ok, that's enough for now. Goodnight I say! I'm tired.

*****

February 14, 2002 ~ So I'm pretty bored, pretty bitter, and nobody else has updated, so hey, why not. Haha. It's Valentines Day, and that sort of sucks. And I've got somebody wonderful, and I'm very much in love, and I think that just makes it suck all the more ass, because it's just a really annoying reminder that he's not here, and that things aren't like they should be, and any day, designed for lovey crap, that can make somebody who's very lovey crappified feel as crappy as I've felt today must just suck lots and lots of ass. I don't know. It hasn't been too bad, and I suppose it could still be a nice day, a celebration of things and such, but due to many things, mostly laziness and a lack of sympathy with the depressingness of it all, it definitely hasn't been. Blech. I've still gotta do lots of Greek. Aside from that I think my night will consist of a trip to the gym and maybe some bad movie watching with Amy. We'll see. How blechy. And what sucks even more, is aside from today being today, and the added emphasis that gives everything, I'm really fine, and this semester's been going really well so far, and Thomas is coming to see me pretty soon, and that'll be great. So damnit! Stop being annoying today! Oh well. Last year was a pretty sad day too. But this year we've even managed to talk less than usual today. Yay. Oh well, no more Valentinesy stuff. It should be a good day. I'm generally in favor of it. It's just upsetting. Maybe had anything happened today to make it feel like it was today and I was somehow a part of it, but no. Whatever. Maybe in a few days I'll be delayedly in the spirit. Blech.

So, I'm trying to totally revamp again, though this time even more than the last. Take out some old stuff, totally reorgnize, all that kinda stuff. I've got an idea going.... It's been a bit of a bumpy start, Eileen's been helping me out a lot. It should be good though.... It's hard to get the time to really work on it, but I'm feeling pretty motivated. I'm just not sure how everything's gonna fit yet, cause I haven't had the time to really sit down and plan out how my idea's gonna work with the content I have. It's very exciting though.

So... Onto exciting things. Thomas is coming here for his spring break which is pretty close. Yay! Also.... He, Eileen and Clarke are supposed to be coming up for Drag Ball this year, which is soooooooooooo exciting. That'll kick some ass. So that's all really good. Also, I really wanna go to London next semester, and I just got all the info on that yesterday, so that was also very exciting. So yay excitement! Boo depressing Valentines Days. I'm also just too tired, that doesn't help. Normal conversations are much easier to carry out when you're not depressed and not sleepy. Yuck. Okay, I think I'm out. An update and some venting for you all =) Byebye. And Happy Valentines Day! hehe.

PS ~ Hehe, I haven't done this in awhile. My mom gave me a very nice Valentines call today =) And I know Karen's a very happy girl right now, and that makes me very happy as well. So yay too all that good stuff. And Spongebob Squarepants Valentines Day socks. Indeed.

Ooooh, and my birthday's soon! Less than a week left as a teenager! So scary!!!!! AH!!! oh well. Hehe. I need to email my mom what I want! Hmm... I do not know. Ok, Greek time!

*****

February 4, 2002 ~ It's been awhile, sorry about that. I'm back at school now. Today was our first day of classes, and that was good I suppose. I had three out of my four classes today. Greek is yet again frightening as hell, but my other classics class and my philosophy class both look good and exciting, and not too terribly hard. So that's good. I'm still unsure as to what English class I'll be taking, but hopefully that will be determined tomorrow. Thankfully, they still let me enroll today despite the fact that I haven't declared my major. That's something I need to do soon. So many little things to do that I always forget about. Winter break/winter term was good. I had a really good time, got to see my boy a lot and all. My project was to start a documentary, and though I started getting places at the end, I was really just way too lazy about it. I should be okay, aside from the general loss of experience and result, if I can get myself to do some work on it this week, and that's kind of worriesome, cause I can be quite moronic about that kind of stuff. Tho I don't think I used to be.... Hmm, so back to school. It was a little weird coming back at first, mostly just cause I hadn't been here in like 5 weeks. But now everyone's back, which helped a lot, and classes are going, I'm running into people I met last semester who I'd forgotten about, and that's very nice. And all the potential that comes w/ new classes and new people. Dude! Vince!!! Guy from my elementary school signed my guestbook. That was so damn awesome. I must email him. So I'm taking Greek this semester, which is scary as hell, a class on Helen, which I'm looking forward to, though it turns out it's a classics class and a womens studies class, and ewwwwwww is all I have to say. It'll be good tho, hehe. And then Existentialism, which I'm really excited about, and hopefully won't get me depressed, hehe. Then it's an English of some sort. I got a scanner for Christmas, so hopefully that'll lead to some good fun stuff up here. I'm thinking about changing around my format/setup/organization thing here. Webpage that is. I dunno, we'll see. That's a lot of effort tho, haha. But this page could definitely use a little overhaul. Hmmmm. I don't know... What else is there to say.... I had a good time down at Tech too. We set a kitchen on fire and made jello shots with bits of teflon in them. Hehe. And played some Dance Dance Revolution. Oooh. I didn't get into any creative writing classes this semester, but ah well. I just need to get myself back to writing on my own. Which is what I was feeling at the end of last semester anyway. I really wanna write another play. I really liked writing the one I wrote last semester. So yeah, hopefully somewhere between the work of this semester I'll find time for that. And going to the gym and writing to people. Those are my new goals for the semester. Hehe, like my new years resolutions. Those were funny. I came up with them in the last ten seconds of the new year in a rather panicked moment. Hehe. I'm also trying to keep a private journal going, which is actually going surprisingly well considering my past experiences with that. I'm just letting myself be really relaxed about it. Alright, I think that's it. I finished my Greek homework and I'm waiting around for a call, so I had some time, hehe. Now off to do something else... Hmm... Ok, byebye.