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The Joke War
by Michelle Paquette
Part Five
"...so then he burst out laughing! I couldn't believe it. Everyone in the mess hall was staring at us." Neelix was standing at Tom's joke booth, telling him about his practical joke on Tuvok. "Then he stood up and left the room. That's when the joke stopped being fun. I just knew Tuvok had gone to tell the captain."
"What a spoilsport," Tom put in.
"I guess so," Neelix agreed, "but I felt really bad after that. Perhaps I shouldn't have used that laughing gas."
"Come on, Neelix, it must have been hilarious! I wish I would have been there." Tom smiled as he imagined Commander Tuvok convulsed in giggles.
"It was quite funny, but afterwards I felt sorry for Tuvok. He must have been embarrassed."
Tom sighed. "Vulcans don't get embarrassed, remember?"
"Regardless, I brought the rest of my joke items back." Neelix held up the plastic sac in his hand. "Surely you'll have no problem with me returning these."
Tom laughed and shook his head. "On the contrary. Sorry, Neelix, but rules are rules. The sign says no refunds."
"What sign?" Neelix looked confused.
Tom wordlessly pointed to a small cream-colored sign posted on one leg of the table. "NO REFUNDS" it read in large block letters. Then, underneath, "No shirt, no shoes, no service".
Neelix narrowed his yellow eyes. "That's not fair. I didn't even see that sign."
"I'm sorry, Neelix, there's nothing I can do." Tom didn't look one bit sorry.
"Fine," Neelix relented. "Anyway, the second reason I came to see you was to tell you about my next talent show. I thought you'd like to be the first to know, since you're always so eager to participate."
"Wow! Another one so soon! Sure, sign me up for something." Just as Neelix had suspected, Tom was excited.
"Sign you up for what, exactly?" the Talaxian inquired.
"Um, let's see. I have absolutely no musical talent..." Tom pondered, "...no special abilities, I can't act to save my life... I guess it'll have to be something to do with comedy. You guys are always telling me I'm funny."
"True, true," Neelix chuckled. "Okay, comedy it is. Any idea what kind of comedy? Will you be telling jokes, or do you have some special miming talent I don't know about?"
"I'm thinking something along the lines of a stand-up routine," Tom explained. "But I'm not exactly sure yet. I'll need some time to think about it. Just when is this talent show of yours?"
"In three days."
Ensign Paris widened his eyes. "Well, that doesn't give me much time to prepare!"
"That's exactly why I'd better be off now to tell the others. I've replicated some invitations to give out. Here's yours, by the way." Neelix rustled through the sac he was carrying and came out with a small crumpled card with the word Tom scrawled on the outside. He handed it to Paris. "Good luck."
"Thanks," Tom replied. "And I'll see you later."
Neelix was already on his way.
*****
Seven of Nine stood in Cargo Bay Two. She was off duty, and was pondering what to do in the time remaining before her 'date' with The Doctor. To get some work done would be the most efficient use of her time, but for some reason Seven felt compelled to prepare for her evening on the holodeck.
The thought of The Doctor made Seven inhale a deep breath. For reasons she could not explain, a rush came over her every time she thought about him. Gradually, she had come to accept these feelings of hers as an attraction to the hologram. She felt a desire to advance their relationship further romantically, but felt too nervous to tell The Doctor so. He might not feel the same way.
The more Seven thought about their upcoming date, the more distressed she became. At one point in the past, she had gone to Captain Janeway for advice, and it had proved moderately helpful. Janeway had suggested she try to make The Doctor jealous by going on a date with Lieutenant Chapman. The date had been unsuccessful, but afterward she had had a nice time spending the rest of the evening with The Doctor.
Seven realized that nothing would ever happen unless she came clean about her feelings, but she wasn't quite ready to do that just yet. She needed a plan; a way to know for sure whether or not the feelings were mutual. And to do that, she might again need the captain's help.
*****
The Doctor turned away from the doors to Cargo Bay Two and started off down the hallway. Almost immediately he heard a voice calling out to him.
"Hey, Doc! How's it going?" The loud voice belonged to Ensign Paris. He jogged down the corridor toward The Doctor.
As he got closer, Tom lowered his voice. "So, did you tell Seven?" he asked, interested.
The Doctor sighed and continued walking. "No. I was too much of a coward. I had the words on the tip of my tongue, but then I chickened out. We are going singing on the holodeck later, though."
"Maybe you're thinking too much into it," Tom suggested, trying to be helpful. "Have you ever thought of playing hard to get; you know, trying to make Seven jealous?"
The Doctor shook his head. "No. I just assumed that the easiest way would be to tell her my feelings straight out. But as you can see, so far that hasn't worked out exactly as I planned."
"You know, if Seven saw you with another woman, she just might realize she likes you."
The hologram pondered this for a moment. "You really think so?"
"Yeah, I do. And I think your first move should be to ignore your date on the holodeck." The Doctor started to object, but Tom held up his hand. "Just let me finish. I just happen to know someone with a huge crush on you. You could spend some time with her and then see what happens. I'll bet a pip that Seven will be green with envy before too long." Tom grinned.
"You know, you might have something there." The Doctor thought for a moment. "When Seven went on her date with Lieutenant Chapman, I thought I'd die of jealousy. Perhaps if I go out with this 'secret admirer' of mine, Seven might let on how she feels about me."
"Now you're getting it," Tom encouraged.
"Yes, but just who is this woman who has a crush on me? I'm curious to find out." The Doctor looked at Paris, awaiting a response.
"Well..." Tom started, and then paused dramatically. The Doctor's eyes widened in anticipation. "It's Claire Jenkins."
"Jenkins!" For some reason, The Doctor had not expected that name. He thought perhaps it might have been Ensign Laertes, the young woman who often offered to help him out in Sickbay after she finished her duty shifts on the bridge. Often he had gotten the impression that her interest in spending time with him was more than proffessional. But no, Tom had said it was Claire Jenkins.
The Doctor searched his memory for any past interactions with her. Besides their brief conversation in the turbolift the day before, there was nothing he could remember that implied her romantic interest.
"Yup; she likes you all right." Tom's voice broke into his thoughts. "I overheard her telling Vorik."
"Hmm... I'll have to think about it." The Doctor remained partially unconvinced.
"Look, Doc, if you take only one piece of advice from me, let it be this: don't you dare go to the holodeck tonight. You're letting Seven believe she has you wrapped around her little finger. You need to rattle her confidence a bit."
"Well, okay," The Doctor agreed halfheartedly.
"Good. You won't regret it." With this last statement, Tom gave The Doctor a pat on the back and walked away.
*****
Seven of Nine announced her prescence outside Janeway's room by pressing the large glowing button to the side of the door. After a moment, she heard the captain's voice from within, allowing her to enter.
Seven waited as the doors slid open and then stepped into the room. "Seven!" Janeway seemed genuinely pleased to see her.
"Hello, Captain," Seven said warily. "May I ask your advice on something?"
Janeway smiled widely. "Of course! What is it?"
Seven averted her eyes for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and looked the captain straight in the eye. "It's about The Doctor."
Janeway somehow managed to look both surprised and amused. "Having some trouble?" She knew all about Seven's interest in the hologram.
"Not exactly." Seven tried to swallow the lump that had formed in the back of her throat. "We have a da--... a... get-together planned for this evening, but I am feeling unprepared. I'm not sure I can keep my feelings to myself any longer."
"But you've told me you want to be sure he feels the same way about you before you spill the beans."
"I know. But that is not likely to happen, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out."
Captain Janeway looked over at Seven and saw that her eyes were red-rimmed with worry. She seemed very distraught, and Janeway was touched she had come to her for advice, even if it was not always easy being a mentor.
"Seven," the older woman put her arm around the former drone. "Love is not always easy. Sometimes you just have to be honest with the object of your affection, and surprising things can happen."
Seven was unconvinced. "That may be so, but I would still prefer if I knew The Doctor's position on the matter before proceeding."
Janeway removed her arm and stood up. She started pacing, deep in thought. "After your date with Lieutenant Chapman last year, you told me you noticed The Doctor seemed a bit...uncomfortable. Now that sounds to me as if he were jealous. And if that's true, that could mean he likes you. If only we could get him jealous enough to admit it." She paused.
Seven caught on right away. "Are you suggesting I arrange another 'date' in The Doctor's prescence?"
"That's exactly what I'm suggesting. And perhaps this time you'll see some action." The captain smiled victoriously, almost as if she were talking about her own love life, rather than Seven of Nine's.
"I will do as you sugg--" Seven's statement was cut short by a series of beeps from the computer, announcing someone's arrival.
Janeway glanced quickly at Seven and then said aloud, "Come in."
The doors slid open to reveal a smiling Neelix. "Captain! Oh, Seven, what a nice surprise!" He trotted briskly into the room and approached the two women. "I'm not interrupting something, am I?"
"No, no," Janeway assured him. Seven merely shook her head.
"Good. I would like to formally invite you - both of you - to the talent show I'm having in a few days. Here are your invitations." He rustled through the small white bag in his hand and produced two slightly rumpled cards. After handing them out, he continued. "Let me know if you have a special talent to share."
"Will do." Janeway smiled and crossed her arms in front of her. "By the way, Neelix, I heard about your little prank earlier in the mess hall."
At once the Talaxian's face fell. "Oh," he said in a small voice.
"Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of!" the captain admonished him. "I think it was delightful. I just wish I could have been there." She had the same wistful look on her face that Paris had had earlier.
Neelix was taken aback by this, but he soon began chuckling good-naturedly. "It was pretty funny..."
"I'll bet," Janeway agreed.
Seven merely looked on with an air of indifference. She was not interested one bit in the practical joke craze that was spreading around Voyager like a bad case of the flu. She wanted to get back to discussing the problem at hand: her relationship with The Doctor. She cleared her throat loudly.
Neelix took this as a signal to leave. He made a quick departure and once again Seven and the captain were left alone.
"I hope my advice has been helpful," Janeway offered.
"It has; thank you." Seven had a lot to think about before her date on the holodeck that night, and she was eager to implement her new plan. "I will begin immediately by choosing a suitable partner for this evening."
"Good luck." Captain Janeway escorted her to the door.
*****
The Doctor sat in his office in Sickbay with nothing to do but think. He thought about his conversation with Seven of Nine earlier in the day, and this caused him to again mentally kick himself for being so cowardly.
Then his thoughts changed to his upcoming date with Seven, and how Tom Paris had encouraged him to ignore it. Would that really help the situation? The more he thought about it, the more he began to realize that Tom had to be wrong. Surely ignoring a date with the woman he loved wouldn't remedy the situation.
"Computer, what time is it?" The Doctor asked aloud.
"It is twenty hundred fifty two hours."
The hologram folded and unfolded his hands, in a futile attempt to keep from thinking about the fact that in eight minutes he would be standing up Seven of Nine.
Finally, The Doctor came to a conclusion; he would NOT follow Tom's advice. There was no law saying he had to, and so far the young man's advice had gotten him nowhere.
Pleased with his decision, The Doctor stood up and slapped the silver mobile emitter onto his upper arm. The procedure had become second nature to him now. Then he left Sickbay.
*****
The Doctor hummed a tune to himself as he neared Holodeck Two. Humming always seemed to keep him sane. He paused outside the doors to compose himself, and then entered the room.
The Doctor caught a glimpse of Seven. "Hello!" he called out cheerfully, and began to approach her. He stopped short, however, when he caught sight of a third person in the room. The Doctor recognized the young man as Ensign Phillips.
Seven noticed the startled expression on the hologram's face. "I hope you don't mind; I invited John to join us."
"John?" The Doctor was perplexed.
Seven turned to Phillips. "That is your name, is it not?"
"Yeah, um, it is," the ensign answered shakily. He was unaccustomed to beautiful Borg women speaking to him on a first-name basis.
The Doctor felt very uncomfortable with this new development. Perhaps he should have taken Tom's advice after all.
"Um, I forgot that I have to... um... replicate some more supplies in Sickbay. I don't think I'll be able to stay." It was a feeble excuse, he knew, but it would be too much for him to see Seven using their time together to sing with a man other than himself.
Seven of Nine gave him a strange look, and then smiled slightly. She took his behavior to mean that perhaps he was, after all, interested in her and was feeling jealous. She glanced over at Ensign Phillips, who was looking uncomfortable, but relieved by The Doctor's announcement. He was shy, and the hologram's departure meant one less person for him to have to interact with.
Seven walked over to Phillips and placed her hand on his shoulder. "That is fine," she said aloud to The Doctor. "I'm sure John and I will have a very... engaging time." She looked meaningfully at the hologram, and noticed that his face was beginning to turn red. She left it at that.
"Well then," The Doctor could not keep the bitterness out of his voice; "I'll speak to you later." He paused for a moment before adding, with a note of despondency, "I'm sure you two will have a lovely time together." Then he turned and walked purposefully out of the holodeck.
Ensign Phillips turned to his companion. "Well, shall we begin?"
END OF PART FIVE
