The two coffins covered by embroidered saddlecloths were transported on a hearse decorated with carpets and flowers. Four magnificent grey horses, that shook proudly their head decorated by red plumes, drew the hearse. They proceeded fancifully on a side.
A long procession of people preceded the hearse. A boy who carried a big crucifix opened the procession. Immediately behind him came the Bishop Gilbert on a white horse covered by a long to the ground saddlecloth. He was accompanied by a Priest also on horseback, holding an Episcopal pastoral which seemed a lance outstretched aloft. In two lines marched the Priests and the canonicals, not only those of Saint Vincent but even those who arrived from other religious houses.
Followed the convoy, wearing a headgear decorated by a big plume, a dignitary, which the king had entrusted to represent him at the funeral. A large retinue accompanied him. Behind such a retinue there was the family. The men and the young women on a horseback, the older ladies on a carriage, all dressed luxuriously. Behind that sumptuous procession crowded the mass population. And last were plodding along entire crowds of mendicants waiting for a donation that, according to the custom, was happening just after the deposition of the bodies in the sepulchre.
Fernando rode alongside his brothers. He had tried to explain that he wanted to walk together with the canonicals, however the brothers opposed to it.
Close to him on horseback gaited Emily. He had been upset when he saw her the day before. The black flashing suit of jays added charm to the girl. The old feelings, repelled with prayers, the fasts, and the penitence, came to life again. He couldn’t cease to think of her not even for a minute. In vain he was reproaching himself that all his thoughts were hinged on the girl, and not on his mother that lay in the coffin.
Emily now looked more serious than ever. Her old childish flirtation had disappeared. She greeted Fernando with some timidity. But even the cool touch of her hand was sufficient to revive the sparks of fire, which had never died.
"I greet you cousin," she said.
"How sad it is to meet you in such a sad time. You have lost at the same time, father and mother. For me the loss of your mother is a loss not less painful. In the years that I have spent at your house I have learned to know and to love her as if she was my true mother. Of my true mother I do not remember..."
"I thank you, Emily, for these words..." he was able to stutter.
"My mother too, loved you and she was happy that you were with her..."
"You however ran away..."
"I had promised God to serve him..."
"And are you happy?"
"I have found the peace of my soul and the possibility of learn about Jesus."
"However Alonso doesn`t want that you remain in the monastery."
"He can’t impose that!"
"Now he is the head of the family..."
"I will ask help from the Bishop. And you, Emily, what are your projects?"
"My father has returned, so I will return home with him... I will feel the emptiness there..."
"May God protect you and give you happiness."
"I thank you, Fernando. I also wish that your desire to serve God will be welcomed by Him. At times it seems to me that I would also follow your example..."
"Would you want to enter the Monastery?"
"What else is there to do... I feel so sad..."
Riding close to the girl he felt unexpectedly restlessness in his heart. Emotions and affection had submerged once again. Emily’s words were full of pain. Perhaps they would have sounded differently if he had said: "I will leave the Monastery, and will go to your father to ask for your hand." But, could he do it?
He had at times thought about the event of that famous Abelardo, illustrious philosopher from Paris, taken away from science by an unhappy love and that then although he had come back to his studies and he had written great theological works, he ran in the danger of falling into heresy. One cannot follow two lords simultaneously, if God had asked for everything. And he felt that God wanted all of him.
The meeting with the girl upset the peace that he had reached during his sojourn in the Monastery. He had to restart his work again. However, with the girl close to him, would he be able to forget her? From the few words they exchanged he understood that his love for her was not extinguished and neither was he indifferent to the way she felt.
If things had been different, would she have spoken so sadly about her future? Till now, Fernando had looked at his feelings as something which was uniquely his. In that moment there appeared the preoccupation for another person, who because of him was going to suffer… Towards whom he was responsible.
The Monastery cell where he learned to be happy somehow ceased to attract him. The books that he so loved in a moment appeared meaningless and boring. He felt once again tormented by the doubt.
It was a conflict between love and passion. He knew that he had to choose between two loves.
In the Church the litanies for the deaths had started. Then a moment or two of silence preceded the Bishop speech. With a blooming language the Bishop weaved the praise of the knight Buglione. He spoke about his services, the way she shed his blood for a just cause, the price which attended those who fight against the satanic followers of Mohammed.
The Church was filled with hymns.
In vain Fernando tried to concentrate in prayers for his parents` soul. As soon as he tried to pray he was pervaded by the sensation that for him there was no way out.
After the funeral function Fernando had to return home with his brothers. There was the need to take care of the guests. The Bishop exchanged some kind words with him. He was moving around keeping his eyes down, being aware of the fact that in any moment his looks would cross the look of the girl who as he understood was following him step by step. The dinner continued till late. At a certain point Fernando met Alonso.
"I see that you are entertaining our guests quite well." the older brother praised the younger one.
"You told me what to do, Alonso."
"Of course, you belong to the Buglione’s family and as such you are behaving as a Buglione. I have decided that you won’t go back to the monastery..."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You heard me, Fernando. A Buglione cannot become just a monk. Your brothers and I have decided that you have two choices. You may remain home and get married or you may go to Paris and study. We will not spare money. Youy will obtain quite soon the dignitary that are worthy of your birth. Uncle Inigo wishes you to marry Emily. Even our mother wanted it. Because she is his only daughter, her patrimony enheritance will be bigger of what our father left all of us…"
"But I have decided to become a canonical."
"Garbage! You have no age to decide."
"Our mother has given me the permission."
"But that wasn’t the decision of our father. And now, it is me who decides."
"The Bishop asked me and he said..."
"The Bishop may say what he thinks! Understand? Well that is enough for now. Continue to occupy yourself with the guests. We will speak tomorrow."
He took off and went towards the bottom of the dining room where the knights were gathered and where the wineglasses tinkled. The Bishop had already gone. Even the women had retreated. The austere funeral banquet changed more and more into a noisy party.
The dawn was by now near when Fernando, taking advantage of the fact that the knights, after the abundant libations, had fallen asleep, stealthily went out of the house. He ran to the Monastery, where everyone was going in the first hours of the morning. Panting asked to speak with the Prior.
Father Conway was surprised by the appearance of Fernando.
"What has happened, my son? You had to remain home for a day or two. I have given you the permission."
Fernando threw himself desperate at the feet of the Prior.
"Venerable Father, save me! If I had not run here now, I would not have come back at all. My brothers do not want me to continue my life and studies in this Monastary."
Conway invited the boy to stand up, while he sat on the edge of the stool.
"I know that those where their wishes. Only your venerable mother defended your cause. Come on, perhaps we will be able to persuade them. They are impulsive, however they are pious people, good Christians..."
Fernando shook decidedly his head.
"No. I know them. They are proud, they want the splendour of birth. I can’t go back home. I can't even remain here..."
"You want to leave us?"
"I must... but it not because I want to return to the secular world. There are in it temptations from which I wouldn’t be able to resist. However if I remain here, at Saint Vincent, my brothers will continue to come here, they will insist. They are ready to persuade the reverend Bishop. If I want to go away from here it is only to seek refuge in another Monastery. I beg you, Father, send me to Coimbra ... Write to them and ask them to hide me... From a monastery that is under the protection of the Queen my brothers will not be able to take me away!"
Conway didn’t give an answer to Fernando. He ordered him to go in the Chapel and to wait there until he was called.
He saw that the boy was very excited, he wanted him to calm him down. He needed to think over the matter before he made any decision. With crossed arms behind his back, he walked to and fro in the hall.
The Monasteries of the canonical didn`t have the habit of sending one another their candidates. Conway did not want lo loose Fernando, a pious boy, zealous and particularly gifted in his studies. During the last couple of years he had assimilated an extraordinary quantity of books and overcame all his friends in the knowledge of them. Yes he didn`t show to be vain for his capabilities. Just as he never shown pride for the birth to which he belonged.
"But Fernando was right" thought Conway "his permanence at the Monastery of Saint Vincent would have provoked for sure a certain storm. There would be once again discussions. The Bishop till now had defended the cause of Fernando, but would he continue to defend it now that Alonso had become the head of the family? May be it would have been better to send the boy to Coimbra?"
Fernando in the meantime was praying in the Chapel. An inner struggle enveloped his being. Behind his brothers` claims were hiding his temptation. He knew that he couldn’t have been able to withstand temptation unless he would be in a Monastery’s cell.
Alonso`s words
"She follows you with tears in her eyes, anyone can see that."
That was a confirmation of what he thought he had understood by looking at her even if it was for brief moments. That girl loved him and the acknowledgement of what she felt for him deprived him of the possibility to struggle against his own feelings. Not only against his own feelings. He had such a nature for which if he had been able to be inflexible with himself, he couldn’t be intransigent towards others. His compassion was even stronger than his passion.
One of the novices arrived and led Fernando in the refectory. Someone brought him some food. He was told not to wander around the convent. After having eaten he went to his cell, he threw himself on the pallet and he fell asleep. He was so tired after the sleepless night. When he awoke it must have been already late afternoon. The same novice came once again and told Fernando to go in the Chapel and wait there for the arrival of the Prior.
On the Chapel floor, the coloured reflexes thrown by the glass door of the windows were sending the last shines. It reigned silence. Fernando tried to pray, but a strong flow of thoughts overcame the prayer, like the impetus of the river breaks the bank. Again he had to re-examine himself. In his thoughts he could see Emily’s sorrowful and irresistible eyes. Could he refuse himself to them? Was it allowed to refuse them? Again he questioned himself. Was it right for him to apply himself in his studies? Is that what Jesus wanted from him? Was this the way to serve Christ? His father had given up his life for faith, however he had been a husband and a father before that. He, too, once he became a knight, sooner or later would have gone to fight against the Muslims. First however he would have learned to love, to be happy.
All these thought wandered in his head. He knew that he repelled all of this and thus the struggle became more poignant. He didn`t cease to fight with his inner self.
He threw himself on the floor with arms opened wide. He leaned his forehead on the cold tiles.
"O" he thought, "of how many temptations is full the world!" The only way to find peace and salvation was to keep on running.
The sun was painting of paler spots the walls of the Church when all of a sudden the door opened and on the thresthold appeared the Prior.
"Fernando" he asked. "Are you here?" The young man stood up painfully from the floor.
"I am here, most reverend Father."
"Come, I want to speak to you."
Leaned to the wall there were some narrow chests. Conway sat on one of them. Fernando knelt at his feet."
"I have given a great deal of thought regarding your request" the prior started
"I have prayed and I have asked God to indicate what I do. I understand you. You are experiencing a hard task. Nobody lives without temptations. Tertulliano quotes the words of our Lord Jesus Christ that will not enter the Kingdom of God the one who will not know temptations. The world overflows of evil, of sins and of passions. The most zealous men escape by sheltering themselves in convents and in hermitages. However temptations follow them, just as they followed Anthony in the desert. They reached him when he was alone… Not everyone can become a monk or a hermit. There should be also knights, merchants, courtiers, and fathers of a family. It is not a sin to choose to live in the world. And you can still choose…"
"But I have already chosen, reverend Father."
"If you are certain of your choice, it means that it was Him, who chosen you. We think that it is us who choose. But it is Him who chooses. If he placed his hand over you, it will be placed on you wherever you go."
"My brothers want to force me."
"I know. I am sorry about this. I don`t like to loose you."
"I too would like to stay here. I do not like changes. I do not like to re-start all over again, from the beginning."
"This too, is the will of God. I say to you: If He has chosen you, He will guide you. I have decided to accept your request. Go to Coimbra. One of the monks will accompany you. I will write a letter to the Prior there, and even to the Bishop."
"I thank you, reverend Father."
"However, if you have decided to go, go as soon as possible."
"When?"
"You must leave at dawn."
"Very well."
"You cannot meet anyone from your house."
"Very well."
"You shouldn’t follow the usual way through Leiria. I am afraid that your brothers, once they learn about your absence, would be ready to send someone in your pursuit. You should go through the mountains."
"I understand."
"Now go to your cell. Gather all your strengths, have a rest. Pray also. Vade in pace, filio."
He blessed Fernando with the sign of the cross and gave his hand to be kissed. When Fernando raised up, the Prior looked at him as he was leaving until Fernando disappeared beyond the door. He sighed. He was sincerelly sorry for him. He had learned to love him so… He slowly got up from the chest and moved towards the altar. All of a sudden he stopped. In the place where Fernando was lying to pray it seemed to perceive engraved, on the stone floor of the Church, a cross.
Chapter 5
After the funeral function Fernando had to return home with his brothers. There was the need to take care of the guests. The Bishop exchanged some kind words with him. He was moving around keeping his eyes down, being aware of the fact that in any moment his looks would cross the look of the girl who as he understood was following him step by step. The dinner continued till late. At a certain point Fernando met Alonso.
The dawn was by now near when Fernando, taking advantage of the fact that the knights, after the abundant libations, had fallen asleep, stealthily went out of the house. He ran to the Monastery, where everyone was going in the first hours of the morning. Panting asked to speak with the Prior.
The two coffins covered by embroidered saddlecloths were transported on a hearse decorated with carpets and flowers. Four magnificent grey horses, that shook proudly their head decorated by red plumes, drew the hearse. They proceeded fancifully on a side.
A long procession of people preceded the hearse. A boy who carried a big crucifix opened the procession. Immediately behind him came the Bishop Gilbert on a white horse covered by a long to the ground saddlecloth. He was accompanied by a Priest also on horseback, holding an Episcopal pastoral which seemed a lance outstretched aloft. In two lines marched the Priests and the canonicals, not only those of Saint Vincent but even those who arrived from other religious houses.
Followed the convoy, wearing a headgear decorated by a big plume, a dignitary, which the king had entrusted to represent him at the funeral. A large retinue accompanied him. Behind such a retinue there was the family. The men and the young women on a horseback, the older ladies on a carriage, all dressed luxuriously. Behind that sumptuous procession crowded the mass population. And last were plodding along entire crowds of mendicants waiting for a donation that, according to the custom, was happening just after the deposition of the bodies in the sepulchre.
Fernando rode alongside his brothers. He had tried to explain that he wanted to walk together with the canonicals, however the brothers opposed to it.
Close to him on horseback gaited Emily. He had been upset when he saw her the day before. The black flashing suit of jays added charm to the girl. The old feelings, repelled with prayers, the fasts, and the penitence, came to life again. He couldn’t cease to think of her not even for a minute. In vain he was reproaching himself that all his thoughts were hinged on the girl, and not on his mother that lay in the coffin.
Emily now looked more serious than ever. Her old childish flirtation had disappeared. She greeted Fernando with some timidity. But even the cool touch of her hand was sufficient to revive the sparks of fire, which had never died.
"I greet you cousin," she said.
"How sad it is to meet you in such a sad time. You have lost at the same time, father and mother. For me the loss of your mother is a loss not less painful. In the years that I have spent at your house I have learned to know and to love her as if she was my true mother. Of my true mother I do not remember..."
"I thank you, Emily, for these words..." he was able to stutter.
"My mother too, loved you and she was happy that you were with her..."
"You however ran away..."
"I had promised God to serve him..."
"And are you happy?"
"I have found the peace of my soul and the possibility of learn about Jesus."
"However Alonso doesn`t want that you remain in the monastery."
"He can’t impose that!"
"Now he is the head of the family..."
"I will ask help from the Bishop. And you, Emily, what are your projects?"
"My father has returned, so I will return home with him... I will feel the emptiness there..."
"May God protect you and give you happiness."
"I thank you, Fernando. I also wish that your desire to serve God will be welcomed by Him. At times it seems to me that I would also follow your example..."
"Would you want to enter the Monastery?"
"What else is there to do... I feel so sad..."
Riding close to the girl he felt unexpectedly restlessness in his heart. Emotions and affection had submerged once again. Emily’s words were full of pain. Perhaps they would have sounded differently if he had said: "I will leave the Monastery, and will go to your father to ask for your hand." But, could he do it?
He had at times thought about the event of that famous Abelardo, illustrious philosopher from Paris, taken away from science by an unhappy love and that then although he had come back to his studies and he had written great theological works, he ran in the danger of falling into heresy. One cannot follow two lords simultaneously, if God had asked for everything. And he felt that God wanted all of him.
The meeting with the girl upset the peace that he had reached during his sojourn in the Monastery. He had to restart his work again. However, with the girl close to him, would he be able to forget her? From the few words they exchanged he understood that his love for her was not extinguished and neither was he indifferent to the way she felt.
If things had been different, would she have spoken so sadly about her future? Till now, Fernando had looked at his feelings as something which was uniquely his. In that moment there appeared the preoccupation for another person, who because of him was going to suffer… Towards whom he was responsible.
The Monastery cell where he learned to be happy somehow ceased to attract him. The books that he so loved in a moment appeared meaningless and boring. He felt once again tormented by the doubt.
It was a conflict between love and passion. He knew that he had to choose between two loves.
In the Church the litanies for the deaths had started. Then a moment or two of silence preceded the Bishop speech. With a blooming language the Bishop weaved the praise of the knight Buglione. He spoke about his services, the way she shed his blood for a just cause, the price which attended those who fight against the satanic followers of Mohammed.
The Church was filled with hymns.
In vain Fernando tried to concentrate in prayers for his parents` soul. As soon as he tried to pray he was pervaded by the sensation that for him there was no way out.
"I see that you are entertaining our guests quite well." the older brother praised the younger one.
"You told me what to do, Alonso."
"Of course, you belong to the Buglione’s family and as such you are behaving as a Buglione. I have decided that you won’t go back to the monastery..."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You heard me, Fernando. A Buglione cannot become just a monk. Your brothers and I have decided that you have two choices. You may remain home and get married or you may go to Paris and study. We will not spare money. Youy will obtain quite soon the dignitary that are worthy of your birth. Uncle Inigo wishes you to marry Emily. Even our mother wanted it. Because she is his only daughter, her patrimony enheritance will be bigger of what our father left all of us…"
"But I have decided to become a canonical."
"Garbage! You have no age to decide."
"Our mother has given me the permission."
"But that wasn’t the decision of our father. And now, it is me who decides."
"The Bishop asked me and he said..."
"The Bishop may say what he thinks! Understand? Well that is enough for now. Continue to occupy yourself with the guests. We will speak tomorrow."
He took off and went towards the bottom of the dining room where the knights were gathered and where the wineglasses tinkled. The Bishop had already gone. Even the women had retreated. The austere funeral banquet changed more and more into a noisy party.
Father Conway was surprised by the appearance of Fernando.
"What has happened, my son? You had to remain home for a day or two. I have given you the permission."
Fernando threw himself desperate at the feet of the Prior.
"Venerable Father, save me! If I had not run here now, I would not have come back at all. My brothers do not want me to continue my life and studies in this Monastary."
Conway invited the boy to stand up, while he sat on the edge of the stool.
"I know that those where their wishes. Only your venerable mother defended your cause. Come on, perhaps we will be able to persuade them. They are impulsive, however they are pious people, good Christians..."
Fernando shook decidedly his head.
"No. I know them. They are proud, they want the splendour of birth. I can’t go back home. I can't even remain here..."
"You want to leave us?"
"I must... but it not because I want to return to the secular world. There are in it temptations from which I wouldn’t be able to resist. However if I remain here, at Saint Vincent, my brothers will continue to come here, they will insist. They are ready to persuade the reverend Bishop. If I want to go away from here it is only to seek refuge in another Monastery. I beg you, Father, send me to Coimbra ... Write to them and ask them to hide me... From a monastery that is under the protection of the Queen my brothers will not be able to take me away!"
Conway didn’t give an answer to Fernando. He ordered him to go in the Chapel and to wait there until he was called.
He saw that the boy was very excited, he wanted him to calm him down. He needed to think over the matter before he made any decision. With crossed arms behind his back, he walked to and fro in the hall.
The Monasteries of the canonical didn`t have the habit of sending one another their candidates. Conway did not want lo loose Fernando, a pious boy, zealous and particularly gifted in his studies. During the last couple of years he had assimilated an extraordinary quantity of books and overcame all his friends in the knowledge of them. Yes he didn`t show to be vain for his capabilities. Just as he never shown pride for the birth to which he belonged.
"But Fernando was right" thought Conway "his permanence at the Monastery of Saint Vincent would have provoked for sure a certain storm. There would be once again discussions. The Bishop till now had defended the cause of Fernando, but would he continue to defend it now that Alonso had become the head of the family? May be it would have been better to send the boy to Coimbra?"
Fernando in the meantime was praying in the Chapel. An inner struggle enveloped his being. Behind his brothers` claims were hiding his temptation. He knew that he couldn’t have been able to withstand temptation unless he would be in a Monastery’s cell.
Alonso`s words
"She follows you with tears in her eyes, anyone can see that."
That was a confirmation of what he thought he had understood by looking at her even if it was for brief moments. That girl loved him and the acknowledgement of what she felt for him deprived him of the possibility to struggle against his own feelings. Not only against his own feelings. He had such a nature for which if he had been able to be inflexible with himself, he couldn’t be intransigent towards others. His compassion was even stronger than his passion.
One of the novices arrived and led Fernando in the refectory. Someone brought him some food. He was told not to wander around the convent. After having eaten he went to his cell, he threw himself on the pallet and he fell asleep. He was so tired after the sleepless night. When he awoke it must have been already late afternoon. The same novice came once again and told Fernando to go in the Chapel and wait there for the arrival of the Prior.
On the Chapel floor, the coloured reflexes thrown by the glass door of the windows were sending the last shines. It reigned silence. Fernando tried to pray, but a strong flow of thoughts overcame the prayer, like the impetus of the river breaks the bank. Again he had to re-examine himself. In his thoughts he could see Emily’s sorrowful and irresistible eyes. Could he refuse himself to them? Was it allowed to refuse them? Again he questioned himself. Was it right for him to apply himself in his studies? Is that what Jesus wanted from him? Was this the way to serve Christ? His father had given up his life for faith, however he had been a husband and a father before that. He, too, once he became a knight, sooner or later would have gone to fight against the Muslims. First however he would have learned to love, to be happy.
All these thought wandered in his head. He knew that he repelled all of this and thus the struggle became more poignant. He didn`t cease to fight with his inner self.
He threw himself on the floor with arms opened wide. He leaned his forehead on the cold tiles.
"O" he thought, "of how many temptations is full the world!" The only way to find peace and salvation was to keep on running.
The sun was painting of paler spots the walls of the Church when all of a sudden the door opened and on the thresthold appeared the Prior.
"Fernando" he asked. "Are you here?" The young man stood up painfully from the floor.
"I am here, most reverend Father."
"Come, I want to speak to you."
Leaned to the wall there were some narrow chests. Conway sat on one of them. Fernando knelt at his feet."
"I have given a great deal of thought regarding your request" the prior started
"I have prayed and I have asked God to indicate what I do. I understand you. You are experiencing a hard task. Nobody lives without temptations. Tertulliano quotes the words of our Lord Jesus Christ that will not enter the Kingdom of God the one who will not know temptations. The world overflows of evil, of sins and of passions. The most zealous men escape by sheltering themselves in convents and in hermitages. However temptations follow them, just as they followed Anthony in the desert. They reached him when he was alone… Not everyone can become a monk or a hermit. There should be also knights, merchants, courtiers, and fathers of a family. It is not a sin to choose to live in the world. And you can still choose…"
"But I have already chosen, reverend Father."
"If you are certain of your choice, it means that it was Him, who chosen you. We think that it is us who choose. But it is Him who chooses. If he placed his hand over you, it will be placed on you wherever you go."
"My brothers want to force me."
"I know. I am sorry about this. I don`t like to loose you."
"I too would like to stay here. I do not like changes. I do not like to re-start all over again, from the beginning."
"This too, is the will of God. I say to you: If He has chosen you, He will guide you. I have decided to accept your request. Go to Coimbra. One of the monks will accompany you. I will write a letter to the Prior there, and even to the Bishop."
"I thank you, reverend Father."
"However, if you have decided to go, go as soon as possible."
"When?"
"You must leave at dawn."
"Very well."
"You cannot meet anyone from your house."
"Very well."
"You shouldn’t follow the usual way through Leiria. I am afraid that your brothers, once they learn about your absence, would be ready to send someone in your pursuit. You should go through the mountains."
"I understand."
"Now go to your cell. Gather all your strengths, have a rest. Pray also. Vade in pace, filio."
He blessed Fernando with the sign of the cross and gave his hand to be kissed. When Fernando raised up, the Prior looked at him as he was leaving until Fernando disappeared beyond the door. He sighed. He was sincerelly sorry for him. He had learned to love him so… He slowly got up from the chest and moved towards the altar. All of a sudden he stopped. In the place where Fernando was lying to pray it seemed to perceive engraved, on the stone floor of the Church, a cross.
