We were very close and sometimes I wasn’t quite sure whether or not we had more than a friendship relationship, if you know what I mean. When we first became friends I loved him like a brother, but then I thought “I have too many brothers as it is,” and somehow my love for him shifted into something greater.

We had tried everything together. When I say everything I mean everything, we did drugs and drank together. We even did some sexual things together, but then all of that was getting too risky so we went back to being normal friends. But, it seemed like we couldn’t just be normal friends. We would get into really irritable arguments and then end them with making out.

Then I drew the line with that and he basically ran away. So, I was left at home while he was getting pushed around at military school. He called every once and a while telling me he missed me and couldn’t wait until he came home.

It was the day after school had let out and I received a phone call from Duncan.

“Zo, it’s for you,” Mack yelled up the stairs right after I had heard the phone ring.

“Thanks I got it,” I said picking up the phone in my room which had once been Zac’s. “Hello?” I inquired wondering who in the world could be calling me.

“Hey Zoë – Miss me much?” Duncan’s voice came through the receiver and into my ear.

“Hey Dun! Of course I missed you. Aren’t you supposed to be on your way home? How are you?” I said trying to get all I could into my turn.

“I missed you too. Yeah, I’m in the airport terminal now waiting for my plane and I am fine. How are you little missy?”

“D, don’t call me that,” I said referring to him calling me little missy. He only called me that when he wanted something other than a hug or a hello. “I’m okay, getting by. I wish you were here,” I basically whispered into the phone.

“I feel the same way. Oh hey, I heard along the grapevine that Zac and Taylor were moving and you were going with Zac for the summer. Is it true?” Duncan asked with a not so hopeful tone in his voice.

“Kinda, the summer trip hasn’t been approved by the p-unit yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m going. Why do you sound so sad about that?” I asked knowing the answer.

“I miss you and want you. If you know what I mean, I’ve been stuck in an academy with 500 other guys for the past 8 months. I just want to spend some time with you. You know?” He said giving me the answer I knew I’d get.

“Yeah, oh hey maybe you could go –“ I stopped because Duncan interrupted me.

“Zoë I’ve got to go they just called my flight. We’ll talk when I get there. I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye D,” and we hung up. As soon as I hung up the phone it rang again and I just automatically picked it up. It was Zac, he wanted to talk to mom, but I had a few questions to ask him.

“Zac, do you think that Duncan could come with us this summer so I have someone to hang out with?” I asked using the voice I had when I was younger that seemed to actually get me somewhere.

“What so you two can have sex on every bed in the house?” I had told Zac about me and Duncan, but he was the only one I had told.

“No, but maybe,” I answered his question.

“Well, in that case, sure why not?” he laughed at me.

“Also, do you think I’m a coward for running away like I’m getting ready to do?” I asked him my tone of voice automatically changing.

“Not at all Zo, plus you’re not running away you’re just getting away. You need some time to yourself and now Duncan. You’re far from a coward if anything; you’re just my beautiful little sister who needs some time. I love you Zoë, don’t ever forget that.” Zac told me again like he always did. I think he was afraid I was going to forget that someone loved me and then do something completely stupid to possibly hurt myself.

“I love you too Zacky. I’ll let you talk to mom now.”

“Bye Zoë.” Zac had a whole different tone in his voice when I called him that nickname. I had called him that for as long as I could remember, but it always seemed to remind him of something.

I took the phone down to my mom and when I entered that kitchen I heard my name, but it was quickly silenced when I graced my father and mother with my presence.

“Zac’s on the phone. Can you give me my phone back when you’re done?” I asked mustering as many kind words as I could.

“Here, just wait and I’ll use the phone down here,” my mom said and walked into my dad’s den. I heard her pick up the phone and greet my older brother enthusiastically.

I headed back up to my bedroom and sat on my bed just staring at the blank wall in front of me. I found myself doing that a lot. I don’t even know what I thought about when I stared at that wall I, for some reason, just liked to stare at it.

I heard a knock at my door and then someone came in.

“Zoë, can I come in?” Jessie asked from my door. I had never been close to my sisters. I had always stuck to my brothers, I think I felt more protected by them, than my sisters, but Taylor, Jessica, and I had an uncanny resemblance to each other and somehow that stuck the three of us together in a really strong relationship.

“Why bother knocking and opening the door and walking in to ask that question?” I retorted back not meaning to at all.

“Zoë, I just wanna talk to you for a second. Can you hold back your anger for a minute? Please,” Jess seemed to be begging me.

“Yeah, shoot.” I said hoping she’d pull out a gun and take my words literally. But to my dismay,

“Zo, what’s up lately? You used to talk to us about stuff, but now you just shut yourself up in this room and hold all your feelings back.”

“How do you know that? You moved out, you have no idea what goes on at home when you’re gone,” I almost yelled, but there I had said it. The one thing that always made me mad was that my brothers and sisters had moved out. I wanted her to see that, I also wanted her to see my other pains, so I wouldn’t have to say, but just as my luck would have it, my sister couldn’t read minds. Only Zac could.

“Is that what you’re always upset about? All of us moving out?” Jessica wanted to pin-point the problem, but she had no idea how deep it went, she could never dig me out of the hole I had put myself in, but she wanted to. She really wanted to, I could tell. I just made her mad though, because I was really stuck, she hated that.

“Zoë, people grow up and move on. Why don’t you know that? You’re sixteen years old and you don’t even understand the basics of life.” It seemed like Jess was yelling at me. When I look back I don’t think she was, but it sure did seem like it there, that day, in my room.

“I do understand the basics of life, but what I don’t understand is why you guys got to grow up together and live together and love each other, but I don’t remember that. It’s not fair. I miss you guys sometimes.” I had begun to cry, I wasn’t allowed to cry the person inside of my head shot me down every time I cried.

“Zo, you have to get over that. It’s happened, done with. Don’t look to the past it doesn’t help your future at all.”

“What future Jess? I can’t do anything important for this family and so where does that leave me. Stuck at home with Mackenzie! That’s where my no talent life leads me. I hate all you guys. Jesus! Just leave me alone Jessica!” I didn’t want her to find my wounded spot because she would poke at it and just make it hurt more. But, then again when you put pressure on a wound it always seems to feel better. I didn’t know why I was pushing her away when she wanted to help so badly, but I did it to everyone. It had become a habit by now.

“Zoë, my God! You have talents. You don’t have to be musically talented to be in this family, I mean, I don't do music, I dance and that gets me by. You’re talents are suffice to keep yourself happy, so they’re sufficient for the rest of us too. Don’t ever let yourself believe you’re anything less than what you are,” Jessie was talking, but I was zoning her out. If I kept listening I’d be forced to go into the bathroom and do something detrimental to myself.

“Thanks Jess, I’ll keep that in mind. Now, if you would kindly step out into the hall and shut the door behind you,” I said with pure repulsiveness in my voice.

“Fine Zo, but you shouldn’t push those away who want to help you. You did it to Taylor and he actually left, that about killed you. Don’t forget that.” Why everyone was telling me not to forget things was beyond me, but I was ready for her to leave and go back to her own home.

“Whatever Jess, I’ll see you later. Buh-bye.” I basically walked her to my door and then breathed a sigh of relief when my bedroom door safely shut me away from her piercing blue eyes.

I was ready to run, even if I got called a coward for it, I was ready.

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