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undefined Installment Five
*Here's to our unknown pasts*


Over the next two months Meredith helped me in every way she could and I was so happy that I made it past the fourth month of my pregnancy and nothing bad happened.

Taylor was doing exactly as he said he would. When the chemotherapy wasn’t getting him down all he focused on was Natalie, his children, and his music.

He had written so many songs in the past two months, I thought that if the other two guys didn’t catch up he would have to put an album out of his own.

He pulled me aside one day and told me that there was a whole collection of songs under the couch cushions in the den of his house where he kept his grand piano. He said that they were completed and if him and Isaac and Zac never got around to them to just claim them as mine and sing them. I was more than ecstatic to accept that offer, but once I thought about Taylor never singing his songs it almost made me want to break down. That day Taylor saw that look in my eye and he simply said.

“Dirbee, don’t worry about me not singing my songs. Just know that I won’t any longer be looking for a song to sing and neither will you,” he said making reference to my favorite song that he sang really cheered me up.

I could finally understand why Zac was so upset and him dying. I hadn’t even gotten that upset when my mom died. But, Taylor had become had become the best brother in the world to me.

I finally got to go and have my ultrasound. I was supposed to have it at three months, but the hospital kept rescheduling my appointment. I walked out of the house nervous, but it would be okay because Zac was going to be there holding my hand and Meredith was going to be in the waiting room.

We were going to find out the sex of the baby. We finally arrived at the clinic that specialized in these sort of things. I walked up to the front desk and gave my name. The nurse said it would be about a ten minute wait, but it seemed to last forever.

Finally I was called to go back to the office where the procedure would be performed and Zac walked with me. I was told to lay down on the table and the nurse got ready and finally that person that was trained came in.

“Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Hanson. How’re we feeling today?” Marie Zanil asked cheerfully.

“Good,” Zac and I both said.

“Are you two ready to hear your baby’s heart beat and find out what the sex is?” Ms. Zanil asked.

“Yes,” I said more than excited. She rubbed the cold jelly on my already protruding stomach. Then she put some on the paddle and turned on the machine on.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, to see my baby up on the screen like that. Finally she found the heart beat. All I could do was squeeze Zac’s hand. After a while she said,

”I believe that you have a girl.”

I smiled. “Zac, look it’s Jordi, I told you she’d be a girl.”

”That you did,” Zac said smiling too. She stopped even though I didn’t want her to and she printed out some stills of what we had just seen on the screen.

She explained to us what we were seeing and then we were released to go. I walked out excitedly to Meredith and handed her the picture.

“Meet Jordi,” I simply said. Meredith was excited also, but she still had to ask whether it was a boy or a girl. I didn’t tell her. Zac and I had decided to keep that secret until she was born.

The next morning Zac woke me up early, I was reluctant to open my eyes, but when I felt his soft touch on my shoulder I knew that if I opened my eyes I could see his face.

“Zac – what time is… Ahh!” I screamed. Meredith was standing in the room also, holding Logan.

“I see, you and Meredith are having an affair and you’ve come to say good-bye,” I said chuckling. “That’s a cute baby, Mer, how’d you hide that pregnancy from me?”

“Yeah that’s it Dirb. The chemistry’s died, there’s no more flame, I feel it with your best friend now.”

”Humph! I wish!” Meredith said quietly at the end of our bed. Me and Zac just looked at each other and than we looked at her. “I meant… you wish!” Meredith stuttered.

“Uh-huh. I know I’m sleeping with the sexiest man alive,” I said turning my head and kissing Zac’s hand that was still resting on my shoulder.

“That you are… I mean… shut-up Meredith! Dirb, I need to get a boyfriend,” Meredith said looking down at the baby in her arms.

“That you do,” Zac said making a face at her. She threw one of the small pillows that was on our bed at him and he ducked and so it ended up hitting me instead of its intended target.

“Well, if you didn’t have a baby in your arms and if I wasn’t a lot bigger than normal, I would get up and take you both down in the year’s best seen smack-down,” I said loudly while propping myself up.

“Haha, anyways… I came up here because we’re all going down to the studio and I figured you’d want to see your man play drums. So, everyone’s downstairs in the living room waiting for you and Taylor wants to get started, so don’t take too long, okay?” Zac said kissing me.

“Yeah, alright,” I said as I slowly got out of bed with the help of Zac’s hand, I still wasn’t used to being pregnant.

I took a five minute shower, wrapped my hair with a towel and then threw my robe on without tying it, like I always did.

I walked out of the bathroom and opened Zac’s closet. I had moved to wearing his clothes. I pulled a random t-shirt out, looked at it, and I smiled, because I had bought him that t-shirt a couple months after we had met and he still wore it too.

I then went to my closet. The majority of my clothes were boy’s clothes too, so it was doing the same thing. I just had to wear Zac’s shirts.

I pulled out a larger pair of Dickies that I had and then a rather big long-sleeve flannel shirt.

I had been having a problem with getting cold. It was only September, but it seemed like the winter chills were already setting in.

I went back to the bathroom with my day’s clothes in hand. I got dress, did my make-up, let me hair out of the towel and shook it out then brushed it, I left it down, and then I walked out of the bathroom. When I did I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Jesus Taylor, you scared the shit out of me,” I said almost angrily to him because he was sitting on me and Zac’s unmade bed, staring at me. I was still uneasy about Micah, so I was easily startled now-a-days.

“Sorry Dirb, I just wanted to talk to you,” Taylor said with a look almost liked a crying storm in his darkened blue eyes.

“Okay… shoot,” I said nonchalantly going to over to the door and picking up my converse high tops and then grabbing some random socks out of a drawer.

I sat down next to him on the bed.

“I know you and Zac got married so soon because of me –“

“Taylor, it wasn’t just that,” I interrupted.

“No, let me finish,” he said and I realized that wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. “I was worried at first that he had just gone for the first available girl that had feelings for him and he took a change. So, I tried to talk him out of it, because he told me that he was going to propose to you. But, he assured me that he did love you and that before he asked you he didn’t even know you had feelings for him. You’re apparently very good at hiding your feelings.

“Then you two got married and I see how perfect you are. You’ve got everything you probably haven’t even had a fight,” Taylor stopped because I interrupted him again.

“Actually, we had one at the hospital, right after the miscarriage, but I don’t know it you can consider that a fight, but go on,” I finished as I kept thinking about the panic attach and how once again Zac had saved me. Taylor began again,

”Well, I was saying that I am so jealous or you and Zac. I thought that I had everything with Natalie, but you two proved me wrong.” Taylor had to stop once again because of me.

“No Tay, you and Nat are perfect you just have a different thing than Zac and I do. I mean you two might not have been ready to get married, but you did and you love each other, which is more than most people can say.” Taylor stopped me.

“Dirbee, shut-up! Let me finish. I’m jealous of you and Zac because when I come home at night I just come home to my wife, my friend, and my love. She’s perfect to me. Yes. But, when Zac comes home at night he comes home to his wife, his best friend, his greatest love, his best time, and his no mistake of a child. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ezra with all of my heart, but he came when I was still a boy. So, basically my infant son kicked me out of childhood into manhood and it left a big bruise because I wasn’t ready to grow up.

“Then I realized that I could still partially be a child with Ezra and I think that’s why we’re so close. Then Logan came into this world when we were ready for her. It was great!

“But, you and Zac are ready to grow up, he wants this baby a lot and I know that you do too. I guess I came up here to say thank you for being like a sister to me and for being Zac’s everything when he felt he had nothing,” Taylor finished and dropped his eyes to the floor.

“Taylor, don’t get like this, making all this closure and stuff, I can’t handle it,” I said as the feeling of tears began to sting my eyes. I reached over and gave him a tight hug which he returned. “Come on, I thought you wanted to get to the studio today,” I said as I stood up.

“Yeah, I wrote a new song that I wanted you to sing with us,” Taylor taking my hand in his and together we walked into the hall and started down the stairs.

“Hey!” Zac greeted us at the bottom. “I was just coming up to see what you two were up to,” he said with a wink.

“Well, since you took my best friend, I decided to take your brother,” I said as I let go of Taylor’s hand and I put my arms around Zac’s neck.

“I see, was he as good as me?” Zac questioned. I turned to look at Taylor who raised his eyebrow at me as if to say, “Well?”

“Well, I can definitely tell Tay taught you some tricks. This might be another case, though, where the apprentice outdoes his mast. We might have to see though, I’m not all together sure,” I finished and took Zac’s hand and began to pull him towards the stairs.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa Miss ‘I sleep with all the brothers and then my husband.’ Little Jordi in there is developing and we don’t want him or her to see too much before him or her is born. We can wait until he or she is born so him or her can experience it on his or her own time,” Zac said emphasizing the fact that he was not going to say that he or she was actually a girl.

“Yeah, yeah; I get it. Sorry,” I said turning to Taylor. “I can’t give you a definite answer today.”

”No, that’s really okay,” Taylor said as he moved himself towards Natalie so he could resolve any conflict that joke had brought up.

Zac and I just looked at each other and burst out laughing. I ran my hand along him arm and gave him a kiss of the cheek then whispered:

”I know you’re better, I can tell just by looking at you two.”

“Oh, I know,” Zac said sarcastically, being conceited.

He kissed my lips softly then he told me that he loved me. I could feel Taylor watching up and I finally understood what had been saying.

We finally got in our cars and headed towards the old Hanson home in which the basement had been converted in the 3CG recording studios for the time being.

Upstairs in the living room was where Mmmbop had been originated and part of the video had been shot. We stayed away from that part of the house though, because that’s where they kept the fan mail. If only the fans knew that the guys actually handled their letters and by that I mean throwing them and kicking them so they could make a path to the kitchen. But, I had to be grateful, because one day a couple of years ago, Zac picked up a random letter off of the floor and it just happened to be from a girl named Dirbee who liked his music and now… here I was.

But that day we stayed in the basement mostly. The girls sat on the couches that the guys had set up a long time ago, while the guys did their jobs and their favorite thing on the other side of the glass.

I was lucky though, I got to go with the guys since I was on the record label and Taylor wanted me to sing.

Finally, Roman walked in, late as usual. Roman was the back-up keyboard player and he also played the cello, which we needed today.

“Hey Rome, what’s up?” all the guys greeted in unison.

“Ahh, not much; what have we here? A lady in the studio?”

“Yeah, Roman, she’s on the label,” Isaac said coming to my defense.

“Hi, I’m Dirbee,” I said holding out my right hand above the guitar I was holding.

“Hey, I’m Roman… So, who’s that really hot girl out there?” None of us looked because we thought that he was joking. “No, I’m serious. Besides Natalie and Alyssa, she’s got blonde hair and blue eyes and she’s really pretty. Who is it?” Roman asked.

“Sounds like Taylor,” Zac laughed.

“Shut-up asshole!” Taylor said laughing as he threw a drum stick at him. Zac caught it and started doing a roll a snare that was lying on the floor. He ended when I spoke.

“Oh, that’s my best friend Meredith. You think she’s hot huh?” I questioned and looked at Zac. He smiled evilly like a plan was coming to his mind.

“Yeah, I think I’ll talk to her later. Oh hey, guess what! Regan’s coming to live with me. I think that she just needed to have some time away again, like last time and she can’t wait to see you Zac,” Roman stopped and there was a loud crash. We all looked at Zac; he had dropped both of his drum sticks on top of the snare.

“Roman! No Regan in front of her,” Isaac hissed pointing at me.

“Why? What’s wrong with her? She’s even dressed like Regan. I think they’ll get along,” Roman said giving me a funny look.

“Oh no,” Zac moaned. Taylor was sitting next to me and Isaac was sitting next to Zac, simultaneously they both picked up our left hands.

“You two are married?” Roman asked at such a high pitch I thought he was getting ready to break out and sing opera or something close to that.

“Yeah Rome, maybe you should call Reg and tell her, see if she still wants to come,” Zac said taking his head out of his now one hand and looking from me to Roman.

“Yeah, maybe I should that,” Roman said slowly.

“Oh, one more thing,” Taylor said and moved the guitar I had been strumming before he had come in.

“Oh my god! You’re pregnant!” Roman almost shouted.

“Yes, what’s the big deal?” I asked angrily.

“…” all four guys stuttered about non-sense.

“Yeah, but don’t tell Regan. If she still comes I’ll tell her myself,” Zac said cautiously like it still wasn’t completely formed in his mind.

“Okay, I’ll call her now,” Roman said unhooking his cell phone from his belt as he began to walk out of the studio. “Hey you, see you when I get back?” We heard Roman say sweetly to Meredith as he walked past her. She didn’t reply so I’m sure she just smiled.

“Anyone want to fill me in?” I said slowly looking at Zac.

“No,” he simply said.

“Fine, I guess I’ll just meet her,” I said stubbornly.

“She won’t come,” Zac said almost sadly.

“Yes she will,” I said at almost a whisper.

“How do you know that?” Zac said standing up fast.

“I just do!” I retorted.

“I’m beginning to change my mind about what I said earlier,” Taylor whispered to me. “Natalie and I don’t have any secrets.” It was almost like he was gloating, like he wanted this to happen.

“Shut-up Taylor,” I yelled. “Oh god, everything’s falling apart, this is how it used to be.” I said as I began to cry. There were secrets… Zac had a whole past that I didn’t know about. I hadn’t ever really cared until that past come back into reality.

I suddenly felt alone again even though Taylor was sitting right next to me, I began to feel like I couldn’t breathe, like someone was choking me.

I looked over at Taylor, but he had just put on a set of headsets to listen to a song that they had recorded recently. Isaac wasn’t near enough to hear me, so Zac was my last change. Hopefully he’d once again save me.

“Zac,” I said hoarsely. He looked up at me and realized what was happening. He dropped whatever he was holding and quickly came over to me. “The medicine.”

”Dirb, you’re not supposed to have any drugs,” Zac said almost frantically.

“Zac, I’m all alone and it’s so cold,” I said as I began to shiver.

“You’re not alone, I’m here. I didn’t tell you about her for your own sake. Just wait until she gets here, you’ll figure it out,” Zac said holding me tight and rocking me back and forth. Just then Roman walked back in.

“I have a date, Regan’s still coming, and what the hell happened to her?” he said as he froze in his tracks. Taylor and Isaac looked up from what they were doing and the both stood up.

“She’s having a panic attack. Oh, not good while she’s pregnant,” Taylor said, his voice was barely above a whisper.

“What do we do? You have medicine for yours Tay, and I’m sure she does too, but Zac told me that she couldn’t have any pills or any drugs at that,” Isaac said trying to get control of the situation.

“Zac’s doing all he can do, just making sure she knows that he’s there,” Taylor said. Zac reached into my bag and pulled out a random piece of music that I like to keep with me.

“Here Taylor, play this. Piano always calms her down,” Zac said handing him the piece of music that he had actually written. He began to play. It was beautiful and I loved it.

“Sing it too,” Zac told him as he moved a piece of my hair that had fallen onto my sweaty forehead.

”All these days we seem to wait
For those pearls and gates
But we all know
It takes a lot more
Than we show
To get to that special place,”
Taylor sang.

It pulled me out of my trance and I weakly sat up, but Zac kept his arms locked tightly around me.

“All better?” he asked me.

“I think so,” I coughed.

“I hope so.”

“Thank you for listening to my endless stories,” I said, because I knew that he knew about the piano thing, because once I had told him that piano was about the only thing that could calm me down

“Why wouldn’t I be listening?” Zac said as he moved his face closer to mine.

“Sometimes I ramble on, so I figured you’d drown me out,” I told him as I kissed him playfully on the nose.

“Hey, she is just like R –” Roman started to say before Zac punched him and then turned back to me.

“I’d never drown you out. I’d miss you too much,” Zac said one of those catchy lines that got me every time.

“I love y -” but I stopped and grabbed my stomach.

“What?” Zac said getting nervous.

“I think the baby just kicked,” I said smiling brightly.

“Oh my god, that’s awesome! I wanna feel,” Zac whined, almost sounding like a kid.

“Here,” I said putting Zac’s hand where I had felt it. “Taylor play that part you just played again,” I said getting excited, my baby girl loved Taylor’s piano playing and singing. I knew there was a reason why I liked this song. It worked and Zac was able to feel it.

“Oh Dirbee, that’s so amazing,” Zac said as he kissed me.

I suddenly realized why there were never any women allowed in the studio, it brought too much distraction and drama, so I dropped it and told Taylor that I wanted to get started.

He introduced his new song and everybody loved it and I immediately knew why he wanted me to sing with them. He had written a song about what was feeling with Natalie only it was broken down so that only I understood.

I sang a soprano part in the choruses and then Taylor sang the first verse and I sang the second verse.

We called Mr. Hanson, which I now felt comfortable calling Dad, to come down so we could start mixing.

Everyone pulled out their instruments to start recording the music and I just sat down since I didn’t have anything to play, but Taylor was staring at me like he was trying to learn something about me, without asking… But he did ask.

“You play flute right?”

“Uhh,” I answered.

“Yes she does,” Zac proudly answered for me.

“I’m sure we have one around here and it would be cool on this song. Please!” Taylor almost begged.

“Fine, where is it?” I asked not really wanting to play.

“Over with the trumpets and stuff,” Isaac answered me.

I got out the flute to learn that they had a pretty decent one. I put it together and quickly did a scale.

“Ike, let me see your guitar tuner,” I said. He passed it to me and I tuned the flute with the tuner. Taylor wrote me out a quick part and I could easily play it.

So, I let Taylor record his piano piece than I recorded the flute part. Roman recorded the cell part; Mike recorded the bass part (even though I really wanted to, because I love playing the bass).

Then Ike recorded his acoustic guitar part and then the electric guitar part. Then it came to Zac. He was right, I did want to see him play drums, that had been what made me a fan of Hanson to begin with; the cute kid on the drums.

Finally all the music was recorded and out dad and a few other men started mixing it.

“Hey Dirb,” Taylor called out when he come out of the sound booth that Zac had just been in.

“Yeah?” I replied as I busied myself with learning the tune to the song.

“Do you want to sing tonight? Or wait until tomorrow? Because it’s getting late.”

“I want to do this tonight; I want to be able to tell Jordi that they first time we felt her kick, we basically ignored it because we, miraculously, recorded a song in one day,” I smiled. Taylor kind of chuckled.

“Okay let me go set up the mic’s and headsets. We’re going to run through the whole thing.”

“I know how you guys work. Come on stop blabbering, you said it yourself, it’s getting late.”

”Okay,” Taylor said and walked into the little room where they had microphones hanging from the ceiling and music stands with music piled on them and headphones hanging off the side.

A familiar place, but a place that I had never sang with Taylor before. He finally called me in and when I stood beside Taylor I put on my headphones and stepped up towards the mic, as did Tay. I was used to this with Zac; it was just really weird with Taylor.

“Dirb? Can you hear?” Taylor’s voice came through my headset.

“Yep, loud and clear, you?” I answered.

“Uh-huh, let’s get this finished. Dad, please,” Taylor said wanting to start.

I heard the newly mixed song cut on in my headphones and then Taylor’s voice cut in:

”This morning we were moon and sun
There was no doubt you were the one
How did it turn around so suddenly
We were happy, we were sad
Did we have less than I thought we had
What happened to make you say you're leaving me.”
The verse ended and Taylor looked at me, I just smiled, I was focused on my part; he was hard to harmonize with. Then we both started singing the chorus.

“One more time, one more place
one more chance for me to look upon your face
one more dream, one last embrace
don’t just leave me without a trace.”
The chorus ended, I had done it right, because Taylor hadn’t stopped me and my first verse was coming up.

“You were the very air I breathe
I'm dying now, I can't believe
I'm never gonna hold you close again
Let me be with you once more
Then I'll let you walk out the door
And accept that this could really be the end.”
My verse finished and Taylor smiled at me as I had done to him, then we sang the chorus again and the short bridge and then we repeated the chorus a couple of times and the song was done.

The music stopped playing in our headphones and Walker’s voice come into the booth.

“Awesome guys. Anything you want to change because I can mix it now if not,” he questioned and we all looked at Taylor. He normally had say in these things, he had the best ear.

“Nope, thanks dad. I think we got it in one shot,” Taylor said smiling at me.

Suddenly he hugged me and it scared me, making my mind flash back to Micah. I started to shake, but Taylor pulled away.

“Thanks so much, you have no idea how much this means to me,” he said softly and he was right. I didn’t have any idea. When he let go of me, I immediately walked over to Zac and clung onto him.

“Dirbee what - ?” he started, but stopped when he felt me shaking

All of our problems from that night were momentarily forgotten as he protected me from that demon that I was silently fighting.

We walked out to where everyone else was sitting in the studio. Isaac and Taylor had rejoined Alyssa and Natalie and Roman and Meredith were sitting beside each other on the small couch, talking.

Zac and I sat down opposite them and I just looked at them while holding Zac’s hand, hard, it seemed as if I knew that if I let him go I just might lose him, and I didn’t want to lose him, especially to an old girlfriend who was in his life.

“So you two have a date huh?” Zac said asking the question that I wanted to ask and then loosening my hand from his, but putting his arm around me.

“Yeah, we’re going to see a movie on Friday and then have dinner,” Roman answered smiling at Meredith, she gladly smiled back.

“I hate movie dates, you want to get to know someone, but you go to the movies and have to sit there and be quiet. That sucks. So, I think that those are for the third or fourth date, but definitely not the first,” I said just stating something I’d always felt.

“Oh wow, that’s exactly what you-know-who says,” Roman said quietly.

“I know,” was all Zac replied. That almost made me angry, but I didn’t let it get to me. So what if I was exactly like this mysterious Regan girl we were all talking about.

About a half an hour later Walker walked out with out fresh, new song in his hand.

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you the newest installment from Hanson. It is called, ‘One More Time,’ featuring Dirbee Hanson,” he announced loudly.

We all clapped and cheered; you could tell that we were a room full of grown up teenagers. Walker put the CD into the stereo and we all waited anxiously.

Finally he hit the play button and the song started with my flute, then a bass run, than all the other instruments kicked in, in a full out instrumental intro, then we heard Taylor’s voice come on.

Taylor’s verse ended and I blushed a deep scarlet when I heard mine and his voice’s harmonizing.

I had to hug Zac tight; because I was picturing myself with Taylor since we were singing the song and that freaked me out. Zac kissed my cheek and I just smiled because I would never run from Zac like the song was saying I had run from Taylor.

Finally I heard the end of the song and when Taylor announced that it was a masterpiece he let us all get in our cars and go home.

Roman offered to drive Meredith home so Zac and I got a few minutes alone. I brought it up, even though I know that I shouldn’t have.

“Why do we have so much tension and edginess right now?” I asked softly.

“Because a sore subject has come up,” Zac replied just as softly.

“What’s so bad about it?” So what, one of your past indulgences is come back in our life, we can handle it.”

“You’re wrong Dirb, one of my past not indulgences is coming back into my life and you can’t handle it.” I don’t quite know how Zac meant his words to come out that night, but I took it like he was angry with me, and I was insulted.

“How dare you? Okay, I’ll give you that, you have a life of your own, a whole life that I obviously don’t know about. But, do not tell me what I can and can not handle. I am stronger than you think Zac!” I was on the verge of yelling, even though I didn’t mean to be.

“Yeah Dirbee, I do have a whole life that you don’t know about, you came in recently. You missed out on seventeen years. Stronger, huh? How come every time something even goes remotely wrong you have to come running to me to save you, one more time? It was different with Regan, I wanted to save her.”

Zac had said it; he had finally said what he had been wanting to say. A tear slid down my cheek and I sniffed.

“Oh Dirb, I’m sorry,” Zac said reaching up to wipe away my tear.

“Don’t touch me you bastard!” I yelled, he had made me angry, I wasn’t crying because I was upset, I was mad.

“Dirbee!” he said astonished, I’d never called him something like that before, at least not playing around.

“Okay, so here’s how it is,” I said breathing deeply. “Lonely Zac gets a fan letter from a girl whose handwriting is exactly like Regan’s, who he misses so much. So, he decides to go and meet this girl and he shows up at her school and he first sees her. She doesn’t look like Regan, but she’s dressed like her and when she speaks she sounds like her and she has a friend with her that looks like Regan, but you don’t go for looks and her first name is Regan’s last name.

“So, you take this girl out and she’s cool. You might actually love her, but you keep that to yourself, you can’t be forced to give up Regan and you have to be available in case she ever comes back, so you just stay good friends with the girl.

“Finally, you decide to move in together, but something awful has happened. Taylor has gotten sick, you have to get Regan back, but you can’t and this other girl is right in your range of grasping. So, you do and she willingly accepts you.

”You begin a wonderful married life and you momentarily forget about Regan until you get this new girl pregnant and she loses the baby. For some reason you think of Regan, maybe she reminds you of Alice, the first girl you got pregnant when you were sixteen.

“Then the girl gets pregnant again and this time she doesn’t lose the baby. Regan slowly drifts from your mind until she’s brought up to you by her brother and the girl who is pregnant with your child learns of Reagan and learns that she’s coming.

“You start to remember your love for Regan and lose it for me and I’m left with your baby all alone while you run off with your first love… Regan,” I said recounting out entire relationship, which took me so long that by then we were sitting in the garage. I had whispered the last few lines like I didn’t even want to hear them myself.

“No Dirb, your story’s wrong,” he said trying to take my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. “The story is: I once loved Regan. It didn’t work out. I now love you, with all of my heart, you’re not a replacement, I’m just excited to see her. I haven’t even talked to her since she left me standing in an airport terminal, crying, almost three years ago.

“But, I could never love anyone like I love you. Come on; let’s go inside, I have something that I should have given you a long time ago.” Zac stepped out of the car and I followed. We walked in the garage door and didn’t even acknowledge that Roman and Meredith were sitting in the library eating popcorn and watching TV. I briefly heard Meredith say:

”Oh man, they’re fighting that’s -,” but then she was out of my hearing range.

Zac led me to our bedroom and to a desk we had in the corner. It was covered in scrap booking stuff, because I was making a “Before You Were Born,” book for Jordi.

Zac got in the bottom drawer and pulled out a shoe box. He walked over to the bed and sat down then he patted to spot next to him so that I would sit down.

When I did sit down, Zac started talking again…

“I might as well tell you the whole story, beginning to end,” he paused and took a deep breath. “When I was sixteen we were doing a tour, still trying to get This Time Around off the ground. Taylor and I had been fighting a lot, he was really irritable because he and Natalie had just gotten married and she couldn’t travel, so he was missing the pregnancy.

“So Roman comes in one day and informs me that his younger sister is going to be coming up us because she’d had a rough school year and I’d been having a rough time with Tay.

“So, Regan shows up and we sort of hit it off immediately, three days later, we were best friends.

“The summer was going by and Regan and I were very close. She’d been through a lot and I was there for her.

“We ended up falling in love, then our roadie, Greg, you won’t remember him, raped her, just like what happened to you. After that she slept in my bed every night, because she was too afraid to feel alone. I don’t know, I guess I’m the guy that all the rape victims trust.

“We made out sometimes and I love her and she loved me, but we would never admit it, she just had too many mixed up emotions and I didn’t want either of us to get hurt.

“So, the summer started coming to an end and one day I told her that I loved her, just not straight forward. It looked like we were going to be together forever. I had just told her about Alice, she was okay with it and I liked that she was willing to move on past that. Just like you did.

“But then we got awful news, her best friend, her rock, her strength, had been in an awful accident and he was killed. She had to go back home to the funeral and I couldn’t go. So, she left me standing in an airport terminal crying.

“We haven’t seen each other since and have only called once or twice, but each time we called we would miss each other. I think it’s because we both didn’t want to answer the phone and realize how much we missed each other,” Zac finished and breathed.

“Zac, why were you afraid to tell me that? Just like you said, it’s in the past, the wounds have healed,” I said now taking his hand.

“Dirbee, that’s the thing, when we first met, I was in love with you, but the wounds weren’t healed. Then you healed my wounds by letting me heal yours.

“I never told you, because it never came up. Now it has come up, so I’m telling you,” Zac said grasping my hand.

“I love you Zac. Nothing will change that. Not even your or my past that might choose to sometimes haunt us,” I remarked stating good song lyrics that I made a mental note to write down, which if you could read all of my thoughts you would find me doing a lot.

“I love you too Dirb. I’m happy that you’re willing to accept this. Now you just have to meet her. So, to understand that summer, here’s a box of memories that I’ll always keep.

“The video was shot to make a music video and the music video is at the end. But, the rest was taken for fun,” Zac said handing me the box and standing up and leaving the room.

I was glad that he left me alone. I was probably going to break down upon opening the box. Seeing this Regan girl’s face and their memories.

I breathed deeply and picked up the lid, I immediately felt tears sting my eyes. Pictures, movies stubs, concert tickets, restaurant menus, and shopping receipts were just a few of the things that filled the box.

I picked up the pictures and leafed through them to see Zac’s smiling face and I looked in the eyes of the girl who had become my demon.

She was dressed like me and we even had the same eyes. But, I strayed from judging too quickly.

I went through the whole box looking at Zac’s best summer and finally my fingers closed around the videotape. I pulled it out of the box and held it close to my chest and I just breathed deeply.

I finally got up and walked over to the television in my and Zac’s room. I put the video in and turned it on; before I saw anything I heard Zac’s voice.

“Regan, Regan… wake up!” The picture came clear on the TV and I was suddenly in the tour bus. Zac was behind the camera trying to arouse Regan from her nap. I saw his hand come into the picture and gently shake her.

“Fuck off Zac!” She said and slightly growled as to warn him and her voice did sound like mine

The camera was set on the coffee table and the next thing I knew I saw Zac jump onto Regan to wake her up. They ended up having a full-out wrestling match.

Then the video went to another clip and this time someone else was behind the camera because the screen showed Zac and Regan asleep together peacefully and comfortably.

The whole video was like that, Zac and Regan being in love with this girl who was exactly like me.

Tears were pouring from my eyes, but I didn't turn the video off, I had to know what happened that summer.

The last part right before the music video was the airport terminal that Zac had told me about. Someone had filmed it; most likely it was Mack thinking that he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

It was the saddest thing ever. I basically sobbed for Zac and Regan. Suddenly a box of tissues was held in front of me and it scared me. I looked up into Zac’s face and he eyes were slowly filling with tears. I turned the video off and got up as fast as I could and wrapped my arms around him.

“Zac, I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. If you want to be with Regan, I can handle it. I saw how much love you had for her,” I said lightly kissing him.

“Dirbee, the love I had for her will never compare to the love I have for you. I will never leave you or our baby,” Zac said kissing me back which caused our tears to mingle.

“Thank you, I love you so much,” I told him with as much compassion as I could muster.

“I love you too, let’s go to bed.” He took my hand and led me away from the television, shoe box, and his memories of Regan.

We got into bed and when I fell asleep cuddled close to Zac I felt nothing could tear us apart.

Two weeks later the phone rang while I was downstairs making breakfast. Zac was in the shower and Meredith had gone to get some things that I was craving so, I had to get it. Leaving the frying bacon, I picked up the phone.

“Hello?” I questioned the unknown person on the other end.

“Umm, hi. Can I speak to Zac?” said a very familiar voice.

“Sorry, he’s unavailable. Can I take a message?”

”No, thanks, I’ll catch him later, thanks again,” I freaked out when she said this, I knew who it was. And for some reason, that day I had a stomach full of courage.

“Regan?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, is this his wife? I’m so sorry to bother you guys. I hope I haven’t cause any trouble,” she rambled just like me.

“Hey, no! It’s cool, everything’s fine now, it’s really okay. I’m glad you called and I’ll be sure to tell him. You’re going to be at the studio today, right?”

”Yeah, I’m glad I get to meet you. I’ve been talking to Isaac a lot and he’s been telling me great things about you. So, I’ll see you today.”

”Alright cool, bye.”

”Bye,” Regan said and hung up. At that exact moment Zac walked in, wet hair and all.

“Good morning baby. Who was that?” Zac said as he kissed my cheek and then he drank orange juice from my glass.

“Regan. She was calling for you, but I said you couldn’t come to the phone so she said she’s see you at the studio today,” I said walking back over to the skillet on the stove.

“Oh, really? That’s very interesting,” Zac simply said and sat down and began to butter a piece of toast.

“Yep,” I replied to him.

We went about what we were doing quietly until we ate and left for the studio after I had left a note for Meredith telling her to come on whenever she wanted.

We pulled up to the old house and roman’s car was there, so that meant Regan was there.

Zac didn’t wait for me or anything; he just jumped out of the car and basically ran into the house, anxious to see Regan. When I walked in, all alone, Roman met me at the door.

“Hey Rome,” I said smiling at him.

“Hey Dirbee, you okay?” he said smiling back at me while he put his arm around my shoulder and led down the hall.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Ready to meet Regan, my famous sister?”

“I feel like I already know her.”

“Those old videos don’t do her justice,” he said squeezing my shoulder lightly.

“No, I’m not talking about the videos. I mean, she’s exactly like me.”

“Well, I’m glad that you’ve owned up to that fact,” Roman said chuckling at me.

“Thanks Rome, I think,” I said to him while he brought his arms away from my shoulder. We walked into the studio to see everyone standing around, but Zac and a girl, who I’m assuming was Regan, were sitting by themselves in a corner, deep in conversation.

As soon as I walked in the people in the room silenced at once except for Zac and Regan’s conversation. Zac looked up and looked me straight in the eyes. Then the woman he was talking to turned her head slowly.

When her dark eyes locked on mine they only lingered for a second before they dropped down to my stomach. When she saw my large stomach her mouth dropped open.

“She’s pregnant! You never said she was pregnant!” Regan said looking back to Zac.

“You never asked,” Zac said smiling at her.

“You could’ve at least mentioned it, but I guess I should’ve known, you are a baby making machine just like the rest of your family,” Regan said as she playfully hit him on the arm. They were flirting, flirting with my pregnancy and the Hanson family’s ability to reproduce.

I clenched my fist by my side, hoping, two seconds after I had realized what I was doing, that no one had seen, but someone did. Roman came up behind me and put his hands on my waist I guess to pull me into a hug, but my mind automatically flashed back to that night and I started hearing voices.

“…You must have some special qualities… I’m gonna see if it’s the sex,” Micah’s voice echoed in my head.

“No, get off of me,” I said almost loudly in the silent room. “Please, please, don’t touch me like that.”

”Dirbee, I’m sorry,” Roman said hurriedly removing his hands from me. I looked around and everyone was staring at me and I was alone. I wanted to call out to Zac, but my own words reverberated in my head, “I’m stronger than you think!”

I fought off the oncoming panic attack while I looked for someone to go to, but instead someone came to me. The next thing I knew, I was being steered out of the room by hands that I didn’t fear. When we were out in the hall I turned to face Regan.

“Thanks for that,” I said lightly playing with my hair, a nervous habit I had.

“No problem, it’s happened to my many times,” Regan said as she slip down to the floor.

“What? I’m not the only one who still freaks?” I asked amazed.

“You’ve been raped?” Regan asked opening her mouth in astonishment.

“Yeah, in the first month of this pregnancy,” I said realizing that I could really open up to Regan since we had so much in common.

“You can’t be serious. Wait a minute. You were pregnant before this?” Regan asked me, I was about to get frustrated because she was asking so many questions, but then I remembered that I had learned about her and she had known nothing about me.

“Yeah, technically this isn’t Zac and I’s first child. But, I had a miscarriage it was pretty rough, but we made it through.”

”That’s horrible about the baby and all. I’m so sorry. But I’m so happy for you and Zac. From what Roman has been telling me about you, you seem to be a great person and perfect for Zac,” Regan said smiling at me.

“Thanks, I’ve seen the pictures and video and all the stuff you and Zac did that summer. You two would’ve been perfect for each other too if Billy hadn’t…” I stopped because Regan had closed her eyes and bowed her head. “I’m sorry,” I told her sympathetically.

“No, it’s okay. He’s gone and I have to accept that,” Regan said sadly.

“I have to accept that and let her go,” I added on, quoting words that I had said many times before.

“You lost someone?” she asked me amazed that I understood.

“Yeah, my mom,” I told this perfect stranger.

“Oh wow, must’ve been awful,” she said now sympathizing with me.

“Yeah, it was. It screwed me up, I think it was so bad because we didn’t get along and then she got taken away,” I told Regan sounding like a child.

“Yeah, me and my mom don’t get along either, I guess it’d be bad…” she wondered off in thought.

We talked in the hall for the next half an hour at least and I was pretty sure that Zac had told her to talk to me. We became friends and oddly enough… We became good friends.

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